wrestling / Columns

The Wrestling 5 & 1 05.29.10: The Weekend Spectacular!

May 29, 2010 | Posted by Ryan Merholz

BEFORE WE BEGIN…
Hello everyone and welcome to the Wrestling 5 & 1!!!

I am your host, Ryan Merholz and I am back and fully sobered from a week in FABULOUS LAS VEGAS!

I basically spent all of Friday catching up on wrestling from the past week, that includes watching nearly 10 hours of content including Over the Limit, RAW, NXT, Impact, and Smackdown! Phew…long day.

The things I do for you people and STILL YOU DESPISE ME! Ok, not all of you. Just the vocal ones.

Anyways, this is a very special edition of the Wrestling 5 & 1 as today marks the OFFICIAL TIMESLOT CHANGE of the column to Saturdays! That’s right fans, you now have to wait one day less for your weekly does of the 5 & 1, well, at least this first time. Starting next week you’ll obviously be waiting 7 days each week again. Anyhoo…

I just wanted to take a quick moment to thank everybody for making the comment a success so far, I wouldn’t be getting the prime real-estate if it weren’t for all of you out there posting your comments and reading the column. So thanks!

If you think I’m as swell as I do, you should follow me on Twitter!

www.twitter.com/411RyanMerholz

Learn cool things about me maybe, and at the very least, stock up on real life wrestlers to follow yourself!

Probably follow the rest of the fine 411 Twitter feeds as well…

http://www.twitter.com/411mania
http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma

Alright, let’s get this show on the road!

WHO SAID WHAT?

Earlier this week Ric Flair was asked during an interview for this thoughts on that whole retirement thing he committed to a couple years back. Flair had the following to say:

“I don’t know what I thought at the time. Remember that it was WWE that decided to retire Ric Flair. Obviously it was very emotional for myself, Shawn, and my fans. It is not easy to do this for as long as I have and then all of a sudden quit because the company you work for tells you to. I’m not bashing WWE as I have great respect for the group. I believe that the whole set up was beautiful and they did a great job with the hall of fame ceremony and the goodbye on Raw afterward. But I am not ready to sit at home and build a garden. I feel great, I work hard, and I am ready to keep going.”

Hey that’s great Ric, maybe you could have, yknow, just said that to the WWE brass? It’s not like you don’t have any sort of clout and could be like “Hey guys I’m not really ready to retire.” That’s cool though, you didn’t fuck it up for anybody in the future or anything.

He then went on to say later this week that TNA will one day be as huge as WWE.

**WARNING – INCOMING OBLIGATORY TNA HATE DESIGNED TO GENERATE HITS WHETHER IT IS ACTUALLY IN LINE WITH THE WRITERS’ OPINION OR NOT**

It’s really not going to happen. Really, it isn’t. WCW already tried booking like WCW and look how it worked out for WCW. Get rid of the WCW similarities and then we’ll talk. I want to like TNA, really I do. They have a lot of outstanding talent but its being terrible mismanaged.

VS.

Last week’s contest was So Cal Val vs Christy Hemme. This was another nail biter, but in the end So Cal Val defeated Christy Hemme by a final count of 19 – 16!

Thanks to everybody who voted!

This week, because this is the special BLOCKBUSTER edition of the 5 & 1, our VS. battle features some all-time wrestling favorites:

Trish Stratus VS. Stacy Keibler

VOTE IN YOUR COMMENT!

5 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT…MR. ANDERSON

Say sayonara to Caribbean Cool, he was released Friday…here’s a few things you can take with you for your scrapbook!

1. Ken served as the announcer for his high school’s basketball games in Two Rivers, Wisconsin.

2. Before entering professional wrestling, Ken worked as a security guard at a nuclear power plant.

3. Ken had a clown tattooed on his bicep after being voted “Class Clown” in high school.

4. Anderson was the final opponent of both Eddie “Umaga” Fatu and Eddie Guerrero.

5. He single-handedly proved that lying about steroid use to national media will not get you fired, but the same cannot be said for dropping Randy Orton on his shoulder.

Wah wahhhhhhhhhhh….

READER COMMENT A-GO-GO

I decided to make this a feature this week as there really wasn’t anything that amusing on Twitter to pull. Granted I tried to go through a weeks worth of wrestler tweets in a day, so please forgive me if I missed something.

Instead, I wanted to highlight another comment which was posted last week in response to my callout of a reader largely ignoring my statements:

“Haven’t you read the ‘Dummy’s Guide to Ensuring Hits’? Fundamentalist Muslims show less strict adherence to the Quran than this guy does to that book.

Enough pictures of hot chicks to kill a broadband connection? Check. Inane lists? Check. Embedded videos? Check. Very little in the way of actual written personally-authored content? Check. More pictures of hot chicks? Check. Mention of the contentious Mickie James? Check. Obligatory TNA hate? Check!

Add in a little competitive element to yet more pictures of hot chicks, therefore ensuring replies (making our hetrosexual preferences public makes us feel less faggy) and you’ve got yourself ratings, baby!

This guy is the Michael Bay of this website, for Christ sake.

Dude, if you get a little tickle down in your panties when you see triple digits bracketed below your column, that’s cool. But in the real world (Google it) it’s not much to boast about. You cater to the lowest common denominator – sure, some people derive satisfaction from that. But they’re why the word ‘douche’ was created.

Yeah, yeah, I know – ‘thanks anyway for reading my column’/’I’m glad something I wrote got you so passionate’/’thanks for the hits’… whichever generic wrestling-writer deflection you wish to adopt helps you quickly return to feeling on top of the world as the one-man ratings booster, so be it. But remember, your audience consists primarily of pubescent kids so intellectually inept they find solace in your easily-digestible column that requires only the bare minimum of cognitive exertion.

‘Durrrr, perty lady 1 or perty lady 2?…’

The pertinent aspect of JudeLuke’s post was his initial point. Why waste your time? I mean, I find your column sophomoric and formulaic, so I will shit on it now and then get on with my life (…or go make gay jokes on other articles). JudeLuke may have continued on somewhat of a tangent, but his initial comment was worthy of more than the pitiful shying away you rewarded him with:

“So if you “shit” on TNA why are you wasting my time?”

I – we – know the answer. I’ve just spent a bunch of paragraphs illustrating it. But as I said, those prized hits are the hits of pubescent morons society is destined to roundly reject – surely the one-man ratings booster is better than that?

Posted By: Chungles (Guest) on May 24, 2010 at 05:25 PM

I’m sure Chungles thinks I’m going to give him a ton of shit but tut tut! I actually wanted to post this one so I could applaud this guy for staying on-point despite the fact that he doesn’t much care for my report.

If you find the column to be formulaic, that’s kinda the point. Do you read other parts of the 411 site? The 5 & 1 is a formatted news column that readers on other parts of the site enjoy, based on their feedback. 411mania is a business just like any other, the site aims to post comment readers enjoy and respond to. If that means you personally don’t like the format, more power to you. I can appreciate why some die-hard fans maybe don’t enjoy a report that’s heavy on pictures/videos/etc, but that doesn’t mean nobody does.

There’s content out there for you on this site as well, but this is the format assigned to me and I do my best to make it enjoyable. Do you read Worth Your Wealth? That’s original content and I heard no mention of it.

I don’t want to turn this into a “but wait, let m defend myself” rant, because that’s really not my aim. I’m glad to have a spot on the website, especially considering the circumstances which caused me to take my leave back when I first started here. Larry and the front office were extremely empathetic of my situation and I am grateful to them for bringing me back – in turn I’ll use their requested format and squeeze in my own creative elements where I feel I can. Apparently Chungles isn’t familiar with the concept of starting at the bottom of the ladder and earning your place at the top. Guys who walk in the front door start out by doing what is asked of them. That’s the way it works in most cases. I’m happy with my current position, I’m happy with the column I put out, and I’m happy there are people out there that read and enjoy it weekly.

If you don’t like the column, I won’t hold it against you for moving on – and there are plenty of others that seem to enjoy it. That said, I do hope you stick around because I honestly do appreciate your feedback and, more importantly, your ability to post a logical string of thoughts without simply calling me a hack or saying I suck. I may not like your viewpoint, but I respect it.

Also thanks anyway for reading my column, I’m glad something I wrote got you so passionate, and thanks for the hits!

VIDEO A-GO-GO

The first video this week is a highlight package of the best match from Over the Limit by far – Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk. This highlight reel features so many sick spots it makes me, well, sick. Feel free to mute the sound if you don’t care for Saliva:

Also this week I want to again highlight Bryan Danielson and Michael Cole on NXT. Not only has this whole angle made Danielson infinitely more interesting than when he was actually IN the competition, but it’s allowed us to see a side of Michael Cole that I don’t hate with every fiber of my being. If Cole would show the kind of personality on RAW that he has increasingly shown on NXT, maybe people wouldn’t shit on him so badly.

And how can you not be itching to see Danielson/Miz on a show sometime soon?
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WWE Over the Limit is officially in the books and my cash is safely in Vince McMahons pocket. Time now to find out whether or not the show was worth it…

Presents

In Review

First, as always, we start off with our super-scientific formula for calculating the projected worth of each part of the show. Keep in mind I round things to the nearest nickel, so as not to piss myself off. Oh, and for the purposes of this column, I don’t have HD and neither do you.
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P = 2(A)x + 1.5(B)x + 1(C)x + 0.1(P)

Ten-percent of the PPV price accounts for non-wrestling related activities, such as in-ring promos, backstage segments, video packages, etc. Aside from that, A B and C represent the different classes of matches on the card:

Class C: Filler matches with little to no solid build behind them.
Class B: Secondary, but still significant matches that were well-promoted prior to the show.
Class A: The main event, as well as other high-profile, heavily promoted matches on the card, usually involving the major titles.
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The Breakdown (as I see it):

Class C: R-Truth vs. Ted DiBiase, Eve vs. Maryse

Class B: The Hart Dynasty vs. Chris Jericho and The Miz, Drew McIntyre vs. Kofi Kingston, Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

Class A: John Cena vs. Batista, Jack Swagger vs. The Big Show, Edge vs. Randy Orton

The Calculation (as the universe sees it):

45 = 2(3)x + 1.5(3)x + 1(2)x + 0.1(45)
45 = 6x + 4.5x + 2x + 4.5
40.5 = 12.5x
x = 3.25 (rounded to the nearest nickel)

The Result (as you will see it):

Class A: $6.50
Class B: $4.90
Class C: $3.25
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And now, THE GOODNESS!

Bonus Materials – Price Tag: $4.50

We saw the typical WWE video packages this month, highlighted by the package for Punk/Mysterio which was masterfully put together. Overall each pre-match package did an excellent job of setting up the matches, so no complaints in this department.

Additionally, we got more ranting and raving from Drew McIntyre, who teased destroying a photo of MLK in Teddy Long’s office. Surprisingly he didn’t go for the cheap hit and instead left the picture intact, saying the he was a lot more like Dr. King than the spineless Theodore R. Long. This actually ended up being a decent segment to follow-up Drew’s terrible night in the ring.

Next we saw the SES in the back playing magic mirror, complete with Serena and Gallows lovingly embracing their savior to close the segment. This was just about as awesome as everything else Punk has been doing, and was a creative way to set up their match later in the night.

We also saw a confrontation between Big Show and JeriMiz, which basically served to put over Show as being a super-confident giant. This was good, it didn’t drag on too long, and accomplished what they set out to do in pumping up Show for his match with Swagger.

Finally, we had a split-second Batista promo in which he said Cena quit on RAW and he’d do the same tonight. Meh. Given that they had to cut the Orton/Edge match short they almost certainly could have given Dave some actual time to say something. This was actually worse than your standard PPV fare featuring Cena going from zero to insane in 15 seconds.

Overall, everything worked for me tonight with the exception of the weak and basically pointless Batista segment, and the video packages + SES promo, for me, brought this back up to full value.

Overall Value: $4.50

Intercontinental Championship: Kofi Kingston def. Drew McIntyre via Pinfall (S.O.S.) – Price Tag: $4.90

This was a great choice for the opener, given that Kofi get’s the crowd going like nobody’s business. Though I also stand by my statement that the most interesting thing about Drew is his entrance.

I said in the preview that Drew is going to need to get over on his own merits at some point to actually prove to the fans that he deserves to be Vince’s chosen one, so while I was pleased with the result of this match on a personal level I have to wonder why Drew didn’t pick up the win.

If they’re going to force the guy down our throats, then he can’t be over SOLEY because Vince does favors for him.

But I digress…

The match itself was enjoyable, and both competitors made each other look good here. Drew did a great job of selling his frustration early in the match when he seemingly couldn’t get one up on Kofi, and he and Kingston had some great back and forth segments. Kofi did botch a springboard spot on the turnbuckle somewhat, but they recovered nicely and it didn’t really hurt the flow of the match.

The finish was a thing of beauty, as Kofi reversed the Future Shock into the best S.O.S. I’ve seen thus far. This really put the move over as a credible finisher.

Afterwards Drew flipped his shit and then ate a (much less polished-looking) Twist of Fate from Matt Hardy to wrap up the match. Overall I enjoyed the outing, but there wasn’t really anything spectacular outside of the finish. Also, I’m calling Kofi vs. Drew vs. Hardy vs. Christian at Fatal 4 Way.

Overall Value: $4.90

R-Truth def. Ted DiBiase (w/ Virgil) via Pinfall (Lie Detector) – Price Tag: $3.25

I get why Truth won this match after he was besmirched by Ted a few weeks back, but this also did not do Ted any favors if we are, in fact, gearing up for a push. The match was fine, nothing spectacular, and they largely seemed to be dragging along and really not on the same page.

I’m a firm believer that Cody Rhodes should have gotten the bigger push than Ted DiBiase and this really didn’t do anything to convince me of otherwise. And now we can thank Sforcina for pointing out how stupid his signature clothesline is, I couldn’t help but notice it here.

Virgil was a non-factor, which was also disappointing. I’m just not sure what the point of this was.

Overall Value: $1.75

SES Pledge vs. Hair: Rey Mysterio def. CM Punk via Pinfall (Roll-up) – Price Tag: $4.90

Now THIS was the match I have been waiting 3 months to see. Through the painfully short Wrestlemania match and their solid but disappointing outing at Extreme Rules, I’d been hoping these guys were saving something for the blow-off and they definitely delivered here.

Despite the stopping of the match to glue Punks head shut, they managed to put together a continually exciting match-up that honestly had me guessing until the very end. A quick side note about the new rules regarding blood – I’m not a fan and I think for the most part in the past it has hurt matches flow for the sake of keeping it off PPV. Here though, I didn’t mind it as they worked it into a good spot where Mysterio could take time to recover and then Punk just went ballistic on him when he was finally back in the ring. Very nicely done.

At any rate, I loved pretty much everything about this match, especially the endless replays of Rey’s head bouncing off the barber chair. While I DO take issue with the result, as I feel shaving Punk really kills a lot of his current gimmick, I can’t really say anything bad about the match itself. Definitely the match of the night, for my money.

Overall Value: $8.00

Unified Tag Team Championship: The Hart Dynasty def. Chris Jericho and The Miz via Pinfall (Hart Attack) – Price Tag: $4.90

This match lasted 11+ minutes but was only interesting for 3-4 towards the end. Why that is, I’m not sure. It just seemed extremely slow to start, extremely by-the-book, and I just couldn’t get into it.

The string of near falls towards the end were exciting, and I always enjoy a jumping Codebreaker from Jericho, but the Hart Attack finished seemed drawn out and didn’t really satisfy me in its execution.

Again, this was another “fine” match, but nothing I could say was worth 11 minutes on PPV.

Overall Value: $3.00

Grudge Match: Randy Orton and Edge went to No Contest (Double Count-Out) – Price Tag: $6.50

Clearly I pissed somebody off by making this a Class A match, but this was really a shame.

Even before the abrupt finish, I was having trouble getting into the match initially as it wasn’t really seeming to click between Edge and Orton. I’ve heard some reports that Orton was actually already hurt prior to the match, so maybe that was part of the problem, I’m not sure.

At any rate, things picked up a bit but then Randy’s arm shit the bed while he was setting up the RKO, leading to some stalling from Edge followed by double-count-out spot on the outside.

I was really looking forward to this match and this was extremely disappointing. I can’t really blame them because who knows what was actually in store for the match, but the injury to Orton really hurt this and I can’t really give it much of anything. Sure we got about 12 minutes prior to the injury, but even then something felt off.

On the bright side, it looks like Orton isn’t all that terribly injured, as he’s been placed in the Fatal 4 Way match for Cena’s title, so at least we won’t lose him when his face push is just getting rolling.

Overall Value: $2.50

World Heavyweight Championship: The Big Show def JackSwagger (c) via DQ (Swagger Retains) – Price Tag: $6.50

And here we came to the other epic fail of the show as this match pretty much seemed wrong on every level. I think we all knew Swagger wasn’t going to be able to pull any of his standard moveset against Show, but the ending and post-match was just awful in terms of Swaggers push.

Swagger got himself DQ’d, fine. The story of the match was that he really didn’t have any other choice, but in light of the finish of the Edge/Orton match they really needed to pull something else here. Swagger needed a win, even if it was tainted – have him nail Show with the belt without the ref seeing or something. The DQ right after a double-count-out really pissed me off.

But what was worse was what happened next – Swagger threw everything he could at Show between the belt and a chair and still ended up getting bitched out and left laying. The guy gets bitched out entirely too much whenever the title isn’t at stake as it is, and this really did him no favors. Did we really need to bury Swagger just so we could put over Show’s punch yet again?

Overall Value: $3.50

Diva’s Championship: Eve Torres def Maryse via Pinfall (Eve ‘n’ Flow © Lansdell) – Price Tag: $3.25

Did I hit my head or was this a Diva’s match that included an attempt to smash somebody’s head against the ring post?

This actually wasn’t bad, though I can’t say it was better than Phoenix/McCool last month. Maryse really made this match with antics and screaming at the ref “DO YOU FRICKING JOB!” Eve is continually improving and pulled out some new stuff which is nice to see.

Eve retained with some kind of new finisher that’s obviously easier to pull off than her top-rope armbar thing, and this was fine.

Overall Value: $2.00

“I Quit” Match for the WWE Championship: John Cena def. Batista via Pussing Out – Price Tag: $6.50

And so we came to the rubber match with Batista already 0-2.

I’ll say this – taking into account the shitty finish last month, overall this was the most enjoyable of their three matches. There were a number of sick spots (though I hate the car shit because you KNOW the car is never gonna hit the guy) and, best of all, it honestly did seem like Cena thought about quitting a few times.

Think back to the Orton/Cena match last year when Cena was basically tied down and beaten for 20 minutes, through all that you never actually thought he was gonna give up. But here he really sold that he was thinking about it.

The match had really nice back and forth, put both guys over as badasses, and thankfully did end with the proper result. Batista has given his notice and seems to be gone, so I can’t really bitch about Cena picking up a third straight win. If there were any chance Batista were staying, I would have said this was a huge mistake, but as it stands this was a satisfying conclusion to their feud.

The random attack by Sheamus following the finish felt somewhat unnecessary, especially since the announcers were already off the feed, but hey the guy obviously needs a new opponent, why not make it the previous one?

Overall Value: $7.50

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The Final Tally:

Overall Price Tag: $45.00

Match of the Night: Last Man Standing: Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk – 163% Value ($8.00 worth, $4.90 price tag)

Trash of the Night: Randy Orton vs. Edge – 38% Value ($2.50 worth, $6.50 price tag)

Overall Value: $37.65

Resulting PPV Rating: B (83% Worth)

Closing Comments:

A solid show dragged down, primarily, but disappointing main-event matches. The only undercard bout I thought was really miserable was Ted/Truth, but the other matches more-or-less delivered.

CM Punk and Rey Mysterio stole the show tonight, putting on the best match by far, and Cena and Batista blew off their feud in spectacular fashion. It’s a shame Orton got hurt and Swagger was saddled with Big Show or this show might have been closer to worth it.

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That’s it for Worth Your Wealth this week. See you again in a few weeks when we preview WWE Fatal 4 Way!

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Alright kids, tuck in with a snack because it’s time now for the legit Wrestling 5 & 1, that’s 5 tasty tidbits of news from this week, & 1 smokin’ hottie to send you all home happy!

Injury Pandemic Strikes WWE

WWE might want to rethink these new PPV names, as Over the Limit seems to have seen injuries in half the matches on the card. Let’s see what we have!

CM Punk was busted open, reportedly by Rey Mysterio’s knee brace, resulting in him needing a total of 14 stitches following his match. That musta been a real bitch getting your head recklessly shaved while having a giant cash on your forehand.

Randy Orton separated his shoulder, seemingly pounding on the mat like a madman while setting up the RKO. Later reports suggest that he may have injured the shoulder earlier in the week and/or match, but further aggravated the injury with all that crazy frothing rage. Ken Anderson was so overjoyed that he posted a passive aggressive tweet after the show. I could make a joke about Ken injuring himself while tweeting but I think it’s basically jumping the shark at this point.

Ted DiBiase suffered a concussion when R-Truth slapped him too hard in their match. This explains why he saw no serious action on RAW the following evening.

Batista injured his back and/or tailbone in the final minutes of the I Quit match, either bumping on the hood of the car or through the stage floor.

John Cena lost a few teeth and tweeted that he spent a few hours at the dentist to repair the damage.

Drew McIntyre had a visible scrape on his elbow following his match, but Vince McMahon reported that he was a very brave boy.

All this without any chair shots to the head. Maybe instead they should ban hands and knee braces.

GoMommy, Go Go Mommy

Former WWE Diva Candice Michelle gave birth to a baby girl on Monday, naming her AkiAnne Rose.

Now if you’re anything like me, your first thought is “that’s a pretty zany name!” And you’d be right.

Until you realize Candice’s husband is named KenGee.

Now I’m going to readily admit that this might be total ignorance on my part, but are these legit names in some culture that I’m just not aware of? Or are these names legitimately bonkers? Please educate me if you know.

Still, congratulations to Candice and her family as this is the first Candice-related news on 411 in the last 5 years that doesn’t relate to her injuring herself.

WWE Finds New Samoans

From pwinsider:

“The tag team that attacked the Hart Dynasty on Raw are FCW Tag Team Champions Jimmy and Jules Uso. They are the sons of former WWE star Rikishi. The young lady that debuted with the Uso’s is Sarona Snuka (Tamina in FCW), the daughter of Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka. The group was brought up to fill the heel tag team void that was left when Carlito was released. The Colons were reunited to be the next challengers for the tag team titles.”

Is it offensive if I say I honestly thought they were African American?

Anyway, I’m more enthusiastic for the debut of Sarona Snuka than the other dudes, as maybe this means we’ll get to see Nattie finally step in the ring again. The most in-ring action I’ve seen out of Natalya since she came up to WWE was when she played the part of pyshco Mickie James in the storyline mode of Smackdown vs. RAW 2010. If you haven’t played the game, Mickie was unable to fill the slot because she was playing the role of Trish Stratus.

It’s nice to see another new team come up through the ranks, as I wouldn’t really have had any faith in the Colon’s to actually contend again. It’s too bad that Primo is basically screwed now, but such is life.

And the Dudebusters suck.

DaVinci Code Bullshit with Easy E

One half of the TNA messiah, Eric Bischoff, posted the following cryptic comment on his Facebook page earlier this week:

“Sometimes you gotta know “when to say when”. Getting close.”

Many of us in the IWC have taken this as an indication that Bisch might be contemplating a cut-and-run from TNA.

Most likely he’s just working the smarks and it really relates to something stupid, but if this WERE legit than hooray! Half the poison would be gone! The real question is whether he is the half responsible for Orlando Jordan’s push, because if he were I would probably get down on my knees and pray he’s seriously considering leaving.

JR Needs a Hobby

Jim Ross really needs to get back to some kind of work, because he blogged like 80 times this week. Granted he’s had a rough start to 2010, between his latest Bells Palsy attack and the closing of his BBQ joint, but it’s pretty clear JR needs to get back to work.

On the bright side, one of his 80 blog posts indicated that he might be back on the job pretty soon, as he stated that he should be announcing his next professional intentions in the coming days. Here’s hoping he comes back as Bryan Danielson’s manager against the evil Cole regime!

JR also pointed out that he’s pulling for Wade Barrett to win NXT, and he’s got my vote as well. Nice to see good ol’ JR doesn’t buy into the David “I can talk but that’s about it” Otunga hype.

Dying to see you back JR, I really hope they don’t limit you to a desk job 🙁