TNA Sudden Impact 06.11.04

TNA: Impact! Episode 2

This week’s review is brought to you by:

Rikki Tikki Tavi – the best childhood cartoon I thought everyone had seen that apparently no one has seen.

We’re live from Orlando and our hosts are Mike Tenay and my enemy Don West.

We start with a quiet salute to Ronald Reagan…. what? He’s a lifelong Sabu fan, recognize. Personally I would have preferred the ol’ 10-bell salute so I could have hummed The Wicked Witch is Dead. Oh that’s right, the kids hate Eric S. and I always including politics into wrestling. We’re trying to teach you, shut up and accept it.

A clip package of AJ Styles.

Match One: Kid Kash (w/Dallas) vs The Amazing Red

Am I the only one that thinks these two look like kids hanging out at the mall? We start with a lockup, which I’ll call a tie, but Kash attacks and gets an armdrag from Red and a spinkick for good measure to the outside. Beautiful flipdive plancha from Red but you’d think he’d want to stay away from Dallas. Dallas beats him down like a ragdoll and tosses him over the top rope back inside Diesel style. Kash takes advantage with a modified shoulderbreaker and hits two quick lionsaults. Then thinks about a pin but now goes for a third one and gets a knee. Red hits an enziguri and spins him out for the 718 for a 1-2, no. Blatant ripoffs make the baby Jesus cry. Superplex attempted by Red but Kash is able to block it and decides to try the super powerbomb. Red reverses it and hurricanranas in mid air (nice). Red goes up again but misses the big elbow and Kash catches him in the Moneymaker for a 1-2-3 a little after 4 minutes in. Winner: Kid Kash. 6.0/10.0. I wasn’t bored but it was short and had some horrible transitions.

COMMERCIALS. TNA PPV on Wednesday and go SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY to see some monster trucks. God I live in hickland.

We’re back with the star of the show “The Franchise” Shane Douglas. He’s with Dusty Rhodes who will be the guest judge of the Styles/Kazarian match tonight…. but they’re quickly interupted by Vince Russo who has a big problem and wants Dusty’s help with it. On a side note, when looking for the names of diarrhea medicines to make a bad joke during a wrestling show, don’t type “diarrhea” into Google. You only need to learn this lesson ONCE.

Match Two: X-Division Title – AJ Styles (c) vs Frankie Kazarian

If I like Frankie Kazarian’s hair does that make me gay? No, but styling it would. Armdrag by Kazarian and he does a little premature celebration. Styles comes back by showing why he’s the best in the business with the dropkick and lands one on Frankie’s face. Nice backbody drop by Styles leaves Kazarian flying to the outside but Kaz ropes him before he can do anything with it and hits a big DDT. Bodyslam by Kazarian who hits a slingshot legdrop and goes for a bridge, 1-2-, no. Punches, punches, punches and we’re at:

COMMERCIAL 3:08 in. In Orlando, fat old ladies with ginormous breasts love Captain America, TNAwrestling.com is a website, a new TNA DVD, Beyond the Glory on Mike Tyson says viewer descretion is STRONGLY ADVISED, and I still hate Max Kellerman who apparently sold his soul to the devil to be “famous”.

We’re back 6:00 in and we get a clip of a sweet Pele kick by Styles during the break. Styles continues to use Kazarian’s head like a soccer ball and hits an inverted DDT for 2. Front Russian legsweep by Frankie gets another 2. Styles comes back with a reverse and an out of nowhere Styles Clash for the pin at 7:26. Winner and still champ: AJ Styles. Kid Kash and Dallas come out to setup the Styles/Dallas PPV match on Wednesday as they pummel AJ. Sloppy start but a great last 1:30 as I didn’t see anything during the commercials. 6.5/10.0.

In the back David Young pumps himself up hoping to break his 54 match losing streak.

COMMERCIALS. TNA PPV this Wednesday and I have to pee, parental discretion is STRONGLY ADVISED. Ahh, much better. Randy Johnson is hurting people with big green dodgeballs and then the Missouri lottery? Ooookay.

We get a clip of Wednesday’s show with Jarrett and Russo and then a video package of Jarrett hitting people over the head with various inanimate objects.

Match Three: David Young and the Naturals vs 3LK

Okay, survey, who’s dancing is better….Victoria or Killings? Konnan starts the match with Andy Douglas and wipes the floor with him leading to a rolling thunder and monster closeline. 3LK triple teams Douglas in the corner as Troof does alot of flips and James slams him down. 1-2, Chase Stevens breaks it up. Stevens and Douglas try a double team on BG James but James reverses and nails both of them. Tag out to K-Kwik… if only he could wrestle as well as he dances….oh wait he can! (LOLIMSOFUNNY) K-Kwik hits the Axe Kick on Young for a 1-2-3 at 2:45. Konnan scares me and is the reason I hope to avoid prison. Winners: 3 Live Krew. 3.0/10.0, filler and boring.

Jeff Jarrett’s music hits and he does not look happy. Before he can get into anything he’s interupted by Dusty Rhodes who tells us he and Russo’s problem was with Jeff Jarrett and Dusty has solved it. At the 2nd anniversary show (6/23) Jarrett will be defending against Troof and Dusty is pretty sure Killings will win…. well I hope he’s not the judge because then this would be no better than boxing.

Truth is like a bastard child of RVD and Booker T who was given Victoria’s dancing skills and Erik Watts’ mic style. Always staring at his hand and flipping around and missing spinkicks. This would be a good time to say I really like the two rampways design so multiple people can always steal the spotlight from the guy in the ring. I hate Killings, this show needs all Shane Douglas, Jeff Jarrett, and AJ Styles… just them. They could do it, just watch.

Monty Brown is NEXT!

COMMERCIALS. A PPV Preview? No. Frankenstein wants some nookie in Orlando, GSN makes cell phones somehow look even more obnoxious, and OMG D’Lo Brown is coming soon!

Match Four: Monty Brown vs Sonny Siaki

It’s slim Mark Henry vs slim Rock. We start outside with Brown dropping Siaki’s throat on the rail and then rolling him in for a quick 2. A couple tests of strength as Don West keeps screaming about linebackers. Monty Brown wins the test of strength and powerslams Siaki hard. Siaki gets back up and starts punching Brown. He tries multiple closelines but can’t take Brown off his feet until a third one does the job. Siaki goes up but gets caught in the air and they cut to a couple quick reverses leading to Monty hitting The Pounce for a 3 count. America’s Most Wanted comes out to stare at Monty to setup the PPV tag match (AMW vs Brown/Abyss) on Wednesday. Winner: Monty Brown at about 2:06. 5.0/10.0. Only a couple of minutes but I was into it.

COMMERCIALS! The Grand Ol Opry is back on GAC and apparently these assholes in the deodorant commercial are unaware that the rules of dodgeball allow them to throw the balls back at Randy Johnson. It is like 20 on 1 fellas… plus he’s old.

We return to the TNA Flashback with Brian Urlacher and Johnny Fairplay from Survivor when Urlacher tossed Fairplay out onto the ramp. Next week “TNA Suprises!”. Jimmy Hart and Jim Duggan make me smile.

God I hate Don West. I lived in Nashville for 6 months where he has an ESPN radio show and he’s even worse than he is on TV (yeah its possible). Everytime he opens his mouth all I can think of is that channel where they sell sports cards at 3am. “THIS IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE DEAL WE’VE EVER HAD! I ORDERED 200 SETS MYSELF! WHO AUTHORIZED THIS? ARE WE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS? BUT I JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE! WHY ARE WE DOING THIS… ARE WE CRAZY!?!?” He talks about Raven and Sabu and then shows a video montage of Ravne.

COMMERCIALS. TNA is now on PPV and I just decided MLS soccer is another reason “why they hate us”. No one even likes soccer but fuck em we’ll steal alot of your foreign players to get 0.8 ratings on Fox Sports World and ESPN17.

Match Five: Team Canada vs Team Mexico

It’s time for the NAFTA Cup! We brawl to start as there is 8 minutes left in the show. Mr. Aguila planchas while Heavy Metal and Negro stand alone after cleaning house. Petey Williams is back in for Team Canada and rollsup Negro for 2. Abismo comes back with a powerslam to Petey and tags in Aguila. We almost have one on one action but everyone wants to get involved again and we get a double team on Aguila as Bobby Rude stomps him in the corner (OMG they mention Essa Rios, ITS A SHOOT BRUTHA!) and continues to pound before hitting a gutwrench for 2. Eric Young is in and hits a nice sideslam and follows it up with some big punches. Aguila comes back out of a double team to take out Young and Petey as Abismo Negro kicks down Rude and all 6 men are in again. Outside flights by Aguila and Negro land on Team Canada as Heavy Metal is powerslammed by Bobby Rude on the inside. Metal kicks Rude hard for a 2 count and hits a bodyslam. Scott D’More trips up Metal as he goes up top and Bobby Rude grabs him for a hard hitting DVD for the pin at 5:35. 6.5/10.0. Fast paced and interesting as Canada triple teams Mexico after the bout. Winners: Team Canada (Petey Williams, Eric Young, and Bobby Rude). Hector Garza runs out to make a save but D’More grabs him for a 4 on 1. Canadians are such fuckin bullies. I love D’More, he’s like Joel Gertner on crack. Jerry Lynn, Chris Sabin, and Elix Skipper come out as Team NWA sets up their match on Wednesday with Team Canada.

Bad choice for a main event, why not Styles/Kazarian? How about 3 10-minute matches instead of 5 6-minute matches? I know it’s a show to setup the PPV revenue and all but you’re trying to draw in a new audience to watch your company and headlining Petey Williams and Abismo Negro isn’t the way to go.

Decent show, not as good as the first but not bad either. You’ll be happy to know I’m out of town Friday-Monday next week so you get nothing. Don’t worry though, you’ll still get all the goodness of my black column which is front page Today on 411 approved.