411’s NWA TNA Report 11.12.03

NWA TNA Wrestling — 11/12/03

— TNA Recappers Jack Daniels here. I tried to pass myself off as Milton Obote last week, but the _one_ 411 reader with knowledge of Ugandan internal politics writes me and calls me on it. So, enough of the charade. My name, obviously, is Peter Abelard.

— We’re picking up the opening package in progress this week as I had to discipline an employee tonight. Aside to Eric S.: Catching people doing something they shouldn’t is the biggest thrill of being in a management position, especially if you catch them downloading she-male porn.

— Before we get into the report, I would like to quote from Joshua Grutman’s last (?) Junk News, Huzzah! Wrestling Edition…

[i]Speaking of assholes, resident funny man Jack Daniels’ TNA report is up. His fantasy baseball team is doing well for those who were concerned about that over the weekend. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE, JACK! I BUILT UP AN AUDIENCE! You’ve done nothing for anyone and you think people are going to tolerate reading about your petty bullshit? Screw you![/i]
— Not only does Grut think I’m 411’s resident funny man, but he obviously READS THE TNA REPORT on a regular basis, and so should you!

— Speaking of other writers, check out Flea’s last two columns. I think EVERY major wrestling boom has been tied to an overall American economic boom, although I haven’t had the time to fully research and flesh out that idea. What does that mean? You could have 12 blind monkeys booking every show from here to eternity, and you’ll still get roughly the same economic results.

— By the way, blowout win over the Colorado Craddlerobbers brings the Samurai Cadaver Dogs to 2-0 going into this week’s game against 6-9 with the Afro. With injuries forcing me to start Vladimir Radmanovic (whose first name is rapidly becoming “Fuckin'” around these parts), I’m not all that confident.

— What the hell, we’ll throw in a brief angle synopsis. 5 team gauntlet match for the Number 1 contender spot for the NWA Tag Team titles. You’ve got the second round of the X-Division Triple Chance Invitational, with former tag team partners Christopher Daniels and Low Ki facing off, as well as Chad Collyer and Chris Sabin. Abyss, who is now under the control of Don Callis, is taking on Don Harris. Raven has a tag team match against Redshirt Security, but he has yet to pick a partner. Shane Douglas introduced, or maybe re-introduced us, to Tracy Brooks, the first member of his new “Franchise.”

— And we’re ON A 7-SECOND TAPE DELAY from the TNA Asylum in Nashville, TN. Fully live from my apartment in Buffalo, NY, though.

— We pick up on Jarrett announcing he would be bringing in Lex Luger to face Sting and AJ Styles.

— Cut to the back with Scott Hudson and Jimmy Hart. Jimmy says he’s one step ahead of the game, and AJ Styles is now officially aligned with Jimmy Hart, apparently. Sting says, “It’s Showtime!”

— Sign in the crowd saying the card is dedicated to Michael Lockwood. I thought I saw a drugged up Jake Roberts in the crowd, too.

— Gauntlet Match for #1 contender for the NWA Tag Belts: BG James vs. Chris Harris. I’m going to take a second to order a sub. West explains the rules… new entrant in the ring every 60 seconds. Can only be eliminated over the top, until the last two guys, then it’s pinfall or submission. Kooky. Harris with a crossbodyblock from the top, then he ducks a dancing punch and spears him. Fighting near the ropes. Sonny Siaki in next, and he’s quickly tossed by Harris and James. Trinity and Siaki argue their way up the ramp as Harris beats on James. Gilberti (who is entered in the gauntlet with David Young) out next, and he refuses to enter the ring until the faces chase him in, and Harris spears him. James decides to beat on Gilberti for a while rather than eliminate him. David Young in next, and (cue NBA Jam audio) HE’S ON FIRE! Clotheslines and spinebusters all around as the heels take control. Powerslam by Young on James. CM Punk in next and hits a quick springboard hurricanrana. Gilberti pearl harbors him and hits a quick clothesline, but Punk counters an irish wihip with a corkscrew bodyblock. James down with a leg lariat, then Harris takes down Punk. James Storm in next, and he knocks everyone down with a right hand. Hart Attack by AMW on David Young. AMW catches Gilberti in the middle of a double hiptoss and toss him. Ekmo in next, wearing an “In Memory of Michael Lockwood” shirt. Double clothesline on AMW by Ekmo. Big belly to belly on CM Punk, then a running butt splash on James. Punk tossed over the top, Young almost goes out, but he lands on the apron, but Ekmo rams him into the turnbuckle and drops him. Julio Dinero in next as BG James and Chris Harris eliminate each other. Big clothesline by Ekmo on Julio, then Storm tries a sleeperhold and gets tossed. Dinero hits a superkick on Ekmo. Ron Killings is in last, and Dinero gets tossed by Fatu. We’re down to Storm, Ekmo Fatu, and the Truth. Ekmo with and avalanche on the Truth. Ekmo with a double sitdown splash on both faces. He goes for another one, then gets tossed. We’re down to Truth and Storm. Truth with a powerslam for two, then he does some nice dancing dodges before eating a superkick for 2. Truth reverses an Irish whip but eats a boot on an idiot charge. Truth backdrops Storm out of the swinging noose, then hits his SWEET twisting Ax kick for 2. Truth falls down trying to hit a back elbow, then both men try a crossbodyblock, and we have our double-knockout spot. Storm hits a swinging crusher, but David Young distracts the ref, and Gilberti sneaks in and hits a chairshot on Storm. The Truth with a front suplex, and 3 Live Kru gets the title shot! WINNERS: 3 Live Kru.

— Hudson in the back with Don Callis. Callis says Jarrett and Luger will take Styles and Sting to school, and Raven will need several partners to help with the Redshirts. Callis is doing his best to control Abyss, basically by promising him everyone who’s harmed him will pay starting with Don Harris.

— And we get our obligatory Tenay/Jarrett interview. 45 seconds is the over/under on Tenay eating a Stroke. And Jarrett grabs the mic immediately, and tosses Tenay. Apparently, Tenay isn’t moving fast enough for JJ. Jarrett calls West into the ring to hold the mic, begging him to do something useful for once. West dressed in all black, for those keeping score. Jarrett says he has two questions. “Where in the hell is Hulk Hogan, and why isn’t he in TNA?” West calls him on promising to “bring TNA to Hogan,” and Jarrett squashes that line of questioning real quick. Says Hogan’s calling him out on radio, but the only guy he sees running around is that “sawed-off runt” Jimmy Hart. Jarrett says he will not be ignored, then moves on to tonight’s match with AJ Styles and Sting against Jarrett and Lex Luger. Decent boos for Luger. Jarrett says Luger will prove that AJ Styles will never be able to compete on their level, and Jarrett teases a surprise for Hart… and out comes Raven. Raven with Crash on his stomach, and Victoria on his wrist tape. Raven says “What about ME? What about THE RAVEN?” Well, not really, but you get the drift. Raven says he’s here to fulfill his destiny, and the only thing on his agenda is becoming NWA Heavyweight Champion. Jarrett says Raven can’t compete on his level, and Raven should worry more about his match with the Redshirts. Raven tries to rush the ring, and the Redshirts jump him, and they roll him into the ring. Somehow, Raven got opened up with a mic shot, then Jarrett Strokes Raven onto the chair.

— Video recap of the X-Division triple chance invitational. By the way, thanks to the 37,000 readers who pointed out Carl Ouelette was X. X eliminating everyone, Daniels and Low Ki going after each other, X destroying Chris Sabin with a package piledriver. Apparently, that piledriver injured Sabin, so he’s out of the tournament.

— Triple Chance Invitational semifinals: Christopher Daniels vs. Low Ki: And just what happened to his “brothers,” anyway? Low Ki starts quickly with a thigh kick. Daniels wearing his XXX uni as former tag team partners collide! Low Ki with a top wristlock, Daniels turns it to a test of strength and hits a few knee strikes, then counters into a wristlock of his own. Low Ki gets out with a kick to his throat. Snapmare and powerdrive elbow by Low Ki gets 2, then a big kick to the back. Daniels slips out of the way of the Tidal Crush and hits a springboard dropkick that sends Low Ki to the floor. Daniels with a split legged moonsault to the floor! WOW! Low Ki selling the shoulder and midsection. Daniels rams him into the corner with his shoulder, then a vertical suplex into a gutbuster for two. Fireman’s carry into a modified bow and arrow submission. Daniels with an elbow to the midsection. Now, Tracy Brooks apparently scouting the match for Shane Douglas. Daniels got a two count with something, but the camera was on Tracy’s tits. Daniels tries a gutwrench suplex, but Low Ki somersaults out and hits a springboard kick. Low Ki with chops, then a running elbow. STIFF kicks to the face and midsection. Daniels tries to beg off, but Low Ki kicks his hands down and kicks him in the face for 2. Daniels gets up and runs Low Ki into the corner again, then hits a stiff palm thrust, but Low Ki counters another with an armbar. Low Ki tries to fly off the top, but Daniels hits an STO for 2. Low Ki counters a moonsault with a kick, then locks in a surprise crossarmbreaker, but Daniels makes the ropes. Low Ki tries a Dragon Clutch, but he gets caught on the ropes and Daniels hits the Fall from Grace, then the Angel’s Wings gets…. TWO??? Daniels goes for Last Rites, but Low Ki grabs the ropes. Chop by Daniels, but Low Ki hits and enzuigiri and nails the Tidal Crush. Low Ki goes for the Ki Krusher, Daniels tries to counter, Low Ki gets a Dragon Clutch, but Daniels tries to reverse to Last Rites, Low Ki kicks his way out! Low Ki goes for the Ki Krusher, but Daniels rolls him up for the pin! WINNER: Christopher Daniels. Daniels will face X and the winner of the Sonjay Dutt/Chad Collyer match (Sonjay Dutt subbing for an injured Chris Sabin) in the Triple Chance tournament finals. Handshake between Daniels and Low Ki. X makes a post match run-in, and hits a package piledriver (called the Execution by Tenay) as Low Ki just stands there like an idiot.

— Cut to a video of Tracy Brooks in lingerie. Always a good thing.

— Cut to the back with a bleeding Raven. CM wants to be Raven’s tag team partner. Duh.

— Triple Chance Invitational semifinals: Sonjay Dutt vs. Chad Collyer: Is there only one dancer tonight? And I’m never going to be able to eat this sub, am I? Exchanged arm twists, then Collyer with an elbow, Dutt counters with two arm drags and an arm bar. Collyer with an elbow, but Dutt hits a dropkick and a springboard plancha. Slingshot legdrop gets 2 for Dutt as the video goes pixellated, and yes, that _is_ an HDTV thing. Tracy Brooks still scouting this match. Collyer working the legs, but Dutt gets to the ropes. Collyer with a suplex for 2. Then another cover for 2. Elbow to the back of the head by Dutt. Knee smash to Dutt and a backdrop by Collyer for 2 as Dutt and Tenay start bickering. Double underhook suplex by Collyer gets two as he goes for a Texas Cloverleaf, but Dutt stops it with a kick. European uppercut and chops by Collyer, than an Irish whip and a clothesline for 2. Video going all stop and go and pixellated. Stump puller by Collyer as he takes us back to the WWF, circa 1993. Dutt tries to come back, but misses a dropkick and Collyer gets a Texas Cloverleaf and Dutt gets the ropes. Collyer goes for it again, but Dutt kicks him off and hits the Calcutt-cut combo. Collyer reverse an irish whip, and Dutt counters a powerslam attempt with a DDT for 2. Collyer gets the knees up on an Asai Moonsault, and a bridging German suplex only gets 2. Texas cloverleaf attempt again, but Dutt rolls him up in a small package for 3! WINNER: Sonjay Dutt. Dutt vs. Daniels and X in the Triple chance invitational finals. X with a pearl harbor job on Dutt post match.

— Interview with Erik Watts and Goldlocks. Word association. Watts puts down Luger, Goldlocks puts down Hudson. Video totally out of sync with sound right now. I’m taking the rest of this segment off.

— Cut to the back with Hudson trying to get an interview with Luger. Jarrett stays he can’t talk to Luger.. and Hudson asks the same question I’m thinking. Bait and switch, anyone?

Singles match: Abyss w/Don Callis vs. Don Harris w/Chris Vaughn: Brawling to start, Harris clotheslines Abyss out and rams him into a railing, then a chair. Throat thrusts by Don Harris, but Abyss reverses a whip into the guardrail and hits a big boot. Abyss throws Harris into the ring. Abyss with a choke in the corner, then an irish whip and an avalanche. Another avalanche and more choking, then a stiff open hand chop. Harris ducks a clothesline and gets a few open hand chops and an irish whip, but Abyss charges out of the corner with a clothesline, then chokes Harris on the mat. Right hands and boots by Abyss, then he chokes Harris in the ropes. Harris goes low with a few boots, but Abyss no sells that and starts clubbing Harris, then choking him with the boot. Heavy D fights back briefly, but Abyss hits a knee then a sidewalk slam for 2. Abyss tries for a middle rope leg drop, but Harris moves. Toe to toe slugfest in the middle of the ring. Don Harris goes for the chokeslam, but Abyss elbows out, then Abyss goes for one, and Harris goes low and hits the big boot. Then he stomps on Callis’ foot and gets a chokeslam on Abyss for 2. Harris goes after Callis, allowing Abyss to recover and hit a Black Hole Slam for the win. WINNER: Abyss. Chris Vaughn checks on Harris, and Abyss hits his Torture Rack sitdown on him… and AJ Styles confronts Abyss in the middle of the ring. He tried for a bulldog but Abyss thew him over the top. Styles lands on his feet, jumps up on the apron and hits a springboard hurricanrana and then he clotheslines Abyss out!

— Hudson and 3 Live Kru backstage. Konnan on the mic, then BG James. 3 Live Kru says they’ve beaten every tag team in TNA, but AMW barges in and says if 3LK wins, AMW is taking the first title shot.

— Tag Team match: Redshirt Security vs. Raven and ???: Raven bringing a garbage can with him. Says he picked the only person to beat him half to death and live to tell about it… SANDMAN! Sandman and Raven with a tete a tete outside, then they go to town on the Redshirts. Trashcan shot on Kevin Northcutt, and Raven tosses him. Raven shotguns a beer along with Sandman, who, again, blades off the can. And now we get a straight tag match? What the hell? Sandman goes low on Northcutt, then hits a few lefts. Northcutt with an Irish whip, then he eats a boot and a bulldog on an idiot charge. Sandman with a slingshot legdrop, then draps Northcutt across the top and hits a top rope legdrop and tags in Raven. Mudhole stomping and a bulldog gets two. Wilson pulls down the top rope and Raven goes out over it. Northcutt with an Irish whip into the corner and a series of clotheslines, then a running knee gets 2. Wilson tagged in, and he rams his shoulder into Raven then hits a back elbow. Then an irish whip into the corner and a clothesline. Northcutt tagged back in, and Raven’s tapped a gusher. Raven tries to hit a clothesline, but Northcutt ducks and hits a superkick (!!!) for 2. Wilson back in now, and he chokes Raven with his boot, then hits a big boot for 2. Northcutt tagged back in, as Raven is playing a very ugly Ricky Morton. Powerslam for 2, then a crucifix submission by Northcutt. Raven struggles to his feet, then goes low with a back kick. Northcutt misses a spear and eats ringpost. Sandman (holding the cane, by the way), calling for the tag, and Raven uses the ring ropes to crawl over to the Sandman, and Sandman uses the Kendo stick repeatedly on both men, then a white Russian leg sweep gets 2. Super hurricanrana by Sandman, but the ref is distracted, Legend comes in and nails Sandman with a pair of handcuffs, and that gives the win to the Redshirts. WINNERS: Redshirt Security. Postmatch beatdown by the heels, but the Gathering makes the save. Gathering turns their back on the heels, asking Raven, “Why didn’t you pick me?” allowing the heels to gain control again. Erik Watts tries to make the save, Legend meets him, then Watts hits a double clothesline on Legend and Northcutt, grabs a chair, and cleans house. Watts on the stick, says Callis can’t get rid of him. Watts makes Raven/Sandman/Watts vs. Redshirts/Legend in a clockwork orange house of fun match.

— West and Tenay hype next week’s card. Update on Hogan’s condition. West shilling some more merchandise. X-Division Triple Chance Invitational finals. 3 Live Kru vs. Simon and Swinger for the Tag Team Titles.

— Video package hyping Styles/Sting vs. Jarrett/Luger.

— Tag Team grudge match: Sting and AJ Styles w/Jimmy Hart vs. Jeff Jarrett w/Don Callis and Lex Luger: Luger’s theme music is almost as shitty as Jarrett’s. Luger actually does show, and he doesn’t look that bad physically. Maybe a little bit more fat, but not Hacksaw Duggan fat. Callis gets on the mic and runs down AJ Styles. Just let these guys fucking wrestle, for crying out loud. Then Luger does the thing. I’m going back and proofreading a little bit and adding some stuff. We’ll pick it up when the action starts. Okay, here we go, Jarrett and Sting to start. Lockup, Sting with a quick shoulderblock. Headlock by Sting, Jarrett shoots him off, leapfrog, but Sting catches him with an inverted atomic drop, Sting misses a Stinger Splash, then hits three clotheslines and tags AJ Styles, AJ and Jarrett run the ropes, then AJ with a big dropkick, and a bodyslam and a kneedrop for 2. Springboard legdrop, Luger tries to interfere but Sting stops it, and they both try to go for Scorpion Deathlocks, but the heels bail. “AJ” chant. Jarrett tags in Luger. Luger with the most muscular pose to try to intimidate Styles, and he kicks at Luger’s legs, but Luger shrugs off a shoulderblock. Luger with a Gorilla Press drop. Luger’s smug look is priceless. Hip toss by Luger, then another, throwing Styles almost across the ring, and Luger looks almost bored. AJ ducks a clothesline, and tries for a springboard bodyblock, but Luger catches him in a bearhug, then just drops him and tags in Jarrett. Jarrett putting the boots to Styles. Jarrett with a spinebuster for 2. Jarrett cuts off a tag with a kick to the ribs, then tags in Luger. Kick to the ribs, then a boot to the head. The pace of this match is letting me finish my sub. Clothesline by Luger. Then another tag to Jarrett. Jarrett trying to bait Sting. Styles ducks a clothesline, Jarrett blocks a hurricanrana, and AJ manages to fight over and make a tag, but Luger interferes and the ref doesn’t see it, allowing the heels to double team AJ. Luger with a back elbow, then another tag to Jarrett. Flapjack into a gutbuster by Jarrett, and he calls for the figure four, but Styles kicks him in the leg, fights to his feet, then hits a backwards enzuigiri and makes the tag, but the ref didn’t see it again! Luger tosses Styles, and Sting can’t take it anymore and it’s Stinger Splashes all around, and a Scorpion Death Drop on Jarrett gets 2. Luger goes low on Sting, then calls for the Torture Rack, but Sting gets out and clotheslines Jarrett out, and Styles sneaks in and hits a flying bodyblock for 1, then Luger gets him in the Torture Rack, but Sting has the baseball bat, and hits Luger in the gut, allowing AJ to roll up Luger for the win. Way to make your top face contender look strong, guys. WINNERS: AJ Styles and Sting. Styles trying to get Jarrett in the Styles Clash, but Abyss interferes and plants him with another Black Hole Slam.

— Jarrett tries to get on the stick and taunt Hogan, but Raven runs in, and that takes us out.

— There were a few points during the show where I was tempted to fire up my copy of “Here Comes the Pain,” but for the most part it was entertaining. 10 bucks entertaining? I dunno about that.