411’s Total Divas Report 1.11.15

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

The preview for this week’s episode threatens that we’ll bee seeing Eva Marie in her first substantial role for the season. I’m on pins and needles waiting for that one.

In the cold open, Paige meets up with Big E Langston. They compare notes on the size of their breasts, and then Paige repeatedly slaps his nips. That is the entire segment. This actually becomes Paige’s gimmick as, throughout the rest of the episode, she is shown walking around backstage and playing with random crap like carts and palettes. She comes off as somebody who does not take her job seriously at all.

After the opening, Eva Marie and Ariane are driving in Southern California, and Eva reminds us that she had health problems last season that left her ability to have children in question. Eva and Ari (not Berenstein) visit the same fertility doctor who helped Nikki Bella freeze her eggs last season (at least they say it is – I’m not going to look this up), and the doctor decides to run some tests. As part of the testing process, we get to see live footage of the interior of Eva Marie’s fallopian tubes, which is honestly a sentence that I never thought that I would be able to type about a professional wrestler.

Backstage at a WWE television shoot, the Bella Twins are meeting with some marketing folks to go over merchandise concepts. Last week I made a joke about merch director John Hickey getting a chyron as though he was actually going to become a character on the show, but here he is again and he even gets a couple of lines this week, so I guess that I’ve got a little bit of egg on my face. Anyway, the meeting takes an odd turn, as Nikki asks Hickey whether he would ever go behind his sibling’s back to talk to her boyfriend about her relationship. He refuses to answer and wants to stay focused on the Bellas’ new logo, but the damage has been done as Nikki walks off. Then, Jesse Jackson shows up. No, seriously, Jesse Jackson shows up. The Bellas drop their feud just long enough to exchange niceties with the civil rights leader but start grousing at each other again once they get to the next room. And the Slammy for most out of left field celebrity cameo goes to . . .

Elsewhere backstage, we get introduced to Alicia Fox, who is now a full-time cast member for the series. She mentions that she’s been with the company for NINE YEARS, which blows my mind. She also says she was the first black Divas Champion, which I guess is accurate if you want to make the hyper-technical distinction between the Divas Title and the old Women’s Title. She unfortunately does not mention her pre-WWE career as a wedding planner, which is what broke her in to this wacky world of professional wrestling in the first place.

Rosa Mendes and Nattie Neidhart have a tag team match against the duo of Layla El and Summer Rae (or, as I liked to call them, Summer Lay), and there’s a spot during which (allegedly) a large portion of Rosa’s ass is exposed. Paige and Alicia are watching backstage and freak out big time, like they’re both ten years old and have never seen another person’s naked butt before. When the match is over, Paige, Alicia, Rosa, and Layla all freak out over the “wardrobe malfunction,” with Paige in particular going to a ridiculous extreme by saying that Mendes could be fired over this incident because WWE programming is rated PG. Why would that get her canned? It’s not like she choked a co-worker with a neck tie or anything of that nature.

Back in Los Angeles, Ariane and Eva are out at a bar, where Eva drops the bomb (dot com) that she might not even want children despite the fact that husband Jonathan wants to have “a football team” worth of the little buggers. In a confessional, she explains her super-mature reasoning for not wanting a family, namely that it would cause her to put on weight. No, seriously, that’s the reason. Also, if you don’t want these kids, why are you wasting the time and money to visit wit a fertility doctor? I somehow doubt that Jonathan is the one who got you the referral. Ariane, rightfully, is critical of Eva for marrying her husband despite never being honest with him about their differences on the issue of kids. When Ariane is critical of you for your honesty and how you manage your interpersonal relationships, it’s time to just give up and become a hermit.

After a commercial break, Rosa and Alicia meet up at the gym and talk about their weaves. Rosa’s apparently fell out recently. The next topic of conversation is Rosa’s social media accounts blowing up with an insane number of new followers because of the exposure of her backside. Less than twenty-four hours ago, they were afraid that something like this was going to get her fired, but now they’re manufacturing a second “accident” in the ring to try to get Rosa even more attention. I just figured out why Mendes’ weave fell out . . . it’s because of the whiplash affect of her changing positions so quickly.

At the next WWE show, Trinity pops up to tell Fox a story about how Vince McMahon caught her wearing her “onesie” at a hotel recently. I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that I’ve watched enough of this show that I know exactly the outfit that Trinity is talking about. Camo-pattern footie pajamas with pink trim. Anyway, this scene is just a setup for the Bella Twins meeting up in the hallway with Nikki attempting to give Brie the silent treatment but breaking down and calling her sister a “bitch” when Brie tries to engage her in conversation.

Trinity wrestles Nikki Bella. This was taped at some point in October, which I can only tell you because the breast cancer ropes are up in the ring. Speaking of breasts, Nikki wins with the Rack Attack. None of this has any bearing on the rest of the episode, aside from reminding us that these women are in fact professional wrestlers . . . well, all of them except for Eva. I don’t think that we’ve seen her at work once so far this season.

After the bout, Brie heads to John Cena, who bears no apparent ill will against her for the situation with Nikki. She’s going to ask him to talk some sense into her sister, but, before she can, he cuts her off and asks her to imagine what her reaction would be if the roles were reversed. Brie speculates that, if she were in Nikki’s shoes, she would be pissed off but would turn things around once her sister apologized to her. That is total bullshit, which fortunately John Cena calls her on. John goes on to say that Nikki’s wounds will not heal quickly and that what Brie should do is give her some space and time to get over it. Without missing a beat, there’s a cut to a confessional in which Brie says that she has no idea what she can do to mend her relationship with Nikki. JOHN CENA JUST TOLD YOU PRECISELY WHAT YOU CAN DO. LEAVE HER ALONE FOR A WHILE. Take the advice of the man who, at least in theory, should know her better than any other human being on the face of the earth. I have never seen a television show that succeeds so well in making its protagonists seem so dense . . . and keep in mind that I watch Monday Night Raw every week.

In Wichita, Kansas, Rosa and Alicia are hanging out in a hotel room and attempting to choreograph a nip slip for their next match. They have difficulty finding a way to make it look natural, though Rosa’s top certainly gets pulled down a lot. They ultimately decide not to go through with their hair-brained scheme, but they decide that they have a beautiful friendship and Alicia gives Rosa sage advice about how she shouldn’t care what the other members of the women’s roster think of her.

Shooting over to Los Angeles, Jonathan and Eva Marie are talking about her pending fertility tests. John says that, if she can’t biologically have children, he would be more than happy to adopt, and then he pulls her into a prayer. He asks his non-denominational god for the ability to have happy, healthy kids. I love the fact that Jonathan is essentially booked to be a tatted up, bald version of Ned Flanders.

Brie Bella meets up with her mother and brother to discuss the distance between the three of them and Nikki. There’s an odd bit in which Brie accidentally uses the word “splooge” when she meant to say “splurge,” and the kids have to explain to mom precisely what that word means. That’s not even the dumbest thing in the scene, because Brie’s stated plan for getting back into her sister’s good graces is to get Nikki as drunk as possible. Mom calls Nikki on her cell phone and tries to smooth things over between her daughters, but it doesn’t work. Also, she lies to Nikki when directly questioned and says that she’s alone with her on the phone. Step 1 for not getting caught in a lie: Don’t tell the lie when you’re three feet away from a camera crew shooting a national television show. That is also advice that Eva Marie could stand to heed in this episode. Anyway, the Cathy/Nikki conversation produces no real results and we hit another ad break.

Back at the fertility clinic, Eva hopes that she’s healthy yet infertile, because she thinks that will allow her to avoid breaking Jonathan’s heart. The doctor tells her that her only problem is a relatively simple surgical fix, which disappoints Eva, because it means that she’s going to have to come clean. Maybe I’m not remembering things correct, but wasn’t she up in arms during her original “health issues” episode because it meant that she couldn’t have children? If you’re going to tell a good story with this television program, shouldn’t something have happened to her at some point to actually cause this about face?

We’re in Minneapolis for Monday Night Raw, where Creepy Talent Relations Mark convenes a meeting with Rosa Mendes and calls her out for her plan to stage a wardrobe malfunction. He says that they’re going to have a major problem and that, she “won’t be part of the divas anymore,” which is the least threatening threat in the history of threats. Rosa briefly tries to deny what she did but Mark immediately shuts her down and says he already knows what she’s done. He mentions her past substance problems, tells her that she’s already saved her career once, and warns that she shouldn’t get dragged down again. He then abruptly ends the conversation with nothing really being resolved and, oh yeah, he also makes it very clear that he cannot tell Mendes who it was that betrayed her confidence.

Mendes is now royally pissed and hunts down Alicia Fox. Alicia says that she did mention the story to “the other girls” without giving any names but denies going to talent relations with it. For some reason, Rosa immediately believes the story about “the other girls” being at fault without asking for any specifics or names. If I had any faith in the ability of the writers of this show to put together a decent storyline that is reminiscent of a professional wrestling angle, I would speculate that this is the setup in which Alicia turns heel on Rosa down the road, revealing that she was the one who ratted Mendes out after all.

John Cena and Nikki Bella are at home discussing a Bella family function later in the evening which Nikki is thinking of skipping due to the tension between herself and Brie. The word “poop” is used in this scene too much for my taste.

Over at Casa de Eva, she reveals her test results to Jonathan and follows up right away with the statement that she doesn’t want to have children. Jon thinks that she means she doesn’t want a kid right now, which he agrees with. She clarifies that she means no kids ever, and we’ve got ourselves some tension headed into a commercial. When return, Jonathan is curious about his wife’s apparent change of heart and he questions her about it but for the most part is surprisingly calm. He mentions he is disappointed and points out how lousy it is that Eva lied to him about something that major. She fires back that their relationship moved so quickly that she didn’t feel she had an opportunity to fully consider it, which, per her warped logic, means that she didn’t actually lie. Jonathan starts to lose it just a bit over the “I didn’t actually lie” comment, and he explains that he’s going to go work out before he goes off the deep end. I don’t know why, but, aside from John Cena, Jonathan is the only person on this show who gets booked like he’s a real, grown adult.

As you would expect, Nikki and Cena do in fact show up at the Bella family get together. Daniel Bryan is there too, and it appears that he stole Bray Wyatt’s hat. When Nikki and Brie see one another, Nikki completely blows her sister off, and Brie gets all snippy about it. Again, LISTEN TO JOHN CENA. Give her some space and she’ll come back to you when she’s good and ready to do so. You can’t force this sort of thing, nor should you try. Rather than doing that, Brie walks up to Nikki and interrupts the conversation that she is having with some of their cousins. Brie continues to try to force her apology on her sister, and Nikki has no choice but to listen when the cousins walk off, leaving the twins alone. Brie “swears” that she’s never going to do anything like this again, and Nikki says that she understands but will still need time to get over things. Soooo . . . is this storyline blown off or is it not? They didn’t make it clear one way or the other, and it wasn’t presented as though it was meant to be a cliffhanger. We were just left in this odd middle ground with no indication of the direction that we’re headed in for the next episode.

Eva Marie walks up to Jonathan at the gym and pulls him into their car for a conversation. She apologizes for lying to him and Jonathan admits that, even if he knew she didn’t want to have children, he probably would’ve still married her. THEN WHAT’S THE ISSUE?! Seriously, if you want kids but were going to marry her regardless of whether she did, then why does what she’s saying now matter? Granted, spouses shouldn’t lie to one another, so that’s still a bit problematic, but if the lie doesn’t result in any real change in circumstances, is it truly something to get that worked up about? Anyway, Jonathan says that he’s sure Eva will eventually come around and want to have children, at which point she’ll be the best mother in the world, just like she’s the best wife in the world. Okay, now Jonathan is the liar. In a confessional, Eva says that she’s got the world’s greatest husband, which actually might be a true statement, because that man should be nominated for sainthood as a result of his agreement to put up with such a shitty human being for the rest of his natural life. Rather than ending on a dramatic note as it usually does, this week we end on the “Awwww” moment of Eva coming to realize just how much she loves Jonathan.

Next week, everybody is shocked to learn that there is silicone in Eva Marie’s blood. I could’ve told you that one.

Overall: Much like I did last week, I have to give the show some credit, because it feels like the program is edited together much better than it has been in any other season. This week we were back up to three different storylines (as opposed to two last week), but the editors were still able to buck the historic trend of the series in which it feels like two hours worth of storylines and cuts are crammed into forty-five minutes. That is a major improvement and it’s one that keeps my head from pounding even if the content of the show is moronic . . . which it is.

Last week, one of the readers in our comment section asked me why Nattie Neidhart would try to avoid a drug test when she’s on camera the whole time and the footage will ultimately be revealed to her employer. This is, after all, a reality TV show, so at least in theory the characters should be cognizant of the fact that they’re being taped and should act accordingly. This week, that problem was even bigger, because literally all three of the storylines had to rely at least in part on the characters either conveniently forgetting or outright ignoring the fact that their lives are being documented for television. Cathy Bella lied to Nikki about whether Brie was present for their telephone conversation, even though footage of the talk would be available to Nikki at a later date. Rosa and Alicia conspired “behind WWE’s back” for a second wardrobe malfunction, even though they were accompanied by a WWE camera crew taping a WWE television program all the while. Eva Marie lied to her husband multiple times in a circumstance in which he would be able to learn the truth a few months later just by turning on the E! Network. I readily admit that I don’t watch a lot of so-called reality television, but are they all this bad with maintain a consistent internal logic? If not, how has this genre of television managed to survive for so long?

One other note regarding this episode: The Bella vs. Bella storyline is b-o-r-i-n-g, boring. My typical criticism of this show is that there’s too much going on, but this is the exact opposite. Unless you’re going for sitcom-style humor, a storyline in which one character is giving the other character the silent treatment just doesn’t work, because plots on these shows are conventionally moved along primarily through dialogue, and shackling the characters’ interaction shackles your storyline development. It’s like booking a wrestling match in which the wrestlers aren’t allowed to touch one another.

With all of that said, it’s late and I’m going to bed. Goodnight, world.

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.