411’s WWE Heat Report 01.14.07

Hey guys and gals, I’m Scott, and this is 411’s WWE Heat Report.

Anyway, I think we have some wrestling to discuss. You’re probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. The video-on-demand nature of Heat allows me to screen each episode for you while still allowing you to watch all or part of the show after reading my report. I want this column to be a resource to help you decide which segments are worth watching and which segments are worth skipping. However, I also want to cover each segment in detail for those of you who do not have the time, the desire, or the ability to watch Heat yourself. I’m going to try and meet both of these goals by separating this column into a preview and a review. The preview will include the title of each segment, the tag line for each segment, the running time for each segment, and the non-spoiler bottom line on whether or not the segment is worth watching. The review will include a detailed description of all of the action in each segment. Okay kids, enough with the boring stuff. Let’s get to the wrestling.

The Preview

Segment 1: Love Machine in Action
Tag Line: The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera, kicks off this week’s Heat against Ty Dalton.
Running Time: 5:31
Bottom Line: Just so that nobody is accused of false advertising, I should start off by saying that Art Barr does not appear in this segment. That’s too bad. Art Barr ruled all. Anyway, the term “squash match” takes on a special meaning when Viscera is involved. Seriously, there’s always a good chance that the jobber in question is going to walk away from the match skinnier than Nicole Richie. Anyway, this is most certainly a squash match, and watching it is most certainly a waste of your time. Skip it.

Segment 2: Haas of Loco
Tag Line: Super Crazy squares off against one half of the World’s Greatest Tag Team, Charlie Haas.
Running Time: 10:54
Bottom Line: Super Crazy? Good. Charlie Haas? Good. Super Crazy vs. Charlie Haas? Very good. Seriously, this is about all you can ask of a Heat match. These guys were given a decent amount of time, especially by Heat standards, and they both seemed determined to show why they each deserve a more prominent role on Raw. Heat would be a fantastic show if every match was this good, so go ahead and watch it.

Segment 3: Haggis vs. Beef Stew?
Tag Line: Scotsmen Rory & Robbie McAllister heat things up as the Highlanders take on Daniel Cross & Dinty Moore.
Running Time: 5:41
Bottom Line: So I think I’ve mentioned that there’s a certain perverse joy to be had in watching Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch destroy a pair of jobbers, but the same can’t really be said of the Highlanders. The basic problem is that squash matches work best when you’ve got a heel star killing a face jobber. It makes sense when a heel star absolutely humiliates some poor journeyman, but it’s just sort of creepy to watch a face do the same thing. That’s why most of the true squash matches you’ll see here on Heat involve heels (Viscera, Snitsky, Cade & Murdoch, etc.) while the “squash matches” involving faces (Val Venis, Super Crazy, etc.) are usually much more back-and-forth. Anyway, the bottom line here is that nobody really want to see the Highlanders mop the floor with a couple of jobbers, but that’s exactly what happens in this match. Skip it.

Segment 4: The Main Event
Tag Line: In the main event, Hacksaw Jim Duggan takes on the other half of the World’s Greatest Tag Team, Shelton Benjamin.
Running Time: 6:17
Bottom Line: Okay, let me make this as simple as possible: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan is a detriment to Heat and no longer deserves to be featured on the show. Shelton Benjamin is one hell of a talented guy, but not even he can carry Duggan to a decent match at this point. Earlier in the evening, Benjamin’s tag team partner put on a great match with Super Crazy, and Benjamin easily could have done the same with somebody like Val Venis or our dearly departed Rob Conway. However, instead we have to watch Benjamin waste four minutes trying to keep Duggan from completely sucking the life out of the crowd. Skip it.

The Review

Segment 1: Love Machine in Action
(Viscera vs. Ty Dalton)

We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. Todd Grisham, alongside Jonathan Coachman, welcomes us to Heat. “The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera!” Viscera’s music hits, and the man who claims to be bigger than Art Barr makes his way down the ramp. Ladies and gentlemen, Viscera may be alot of things, but he’s no Art Barr. Not by a long shot. Anyway, Viscera climbs up onto the ring apron, shakes it for the crowd, and then climbs over the top rope and into the ring where Ty Dalton is already waiting for him. Viscera removes his robe and once again reveals the WORLD’S WHITEST PAJAMA’S! Damn are those things terrifying. I know I said it last week, but the dude really does look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in those pajamas. There’s got to be some sort of branding opportunity here. Oh holy shit, wait a minute. Now that Kenny’s gone all Kenny Dykstra and seems to think that he’s got a singles career, we’ve got four gimmickless male cheerleaders just waiting in the wings, now don’t we? I smell Ghostbusters 2007! Yeah, I’d mark hard for that. Anyway, both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Viscera and Dalton lock each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Viscera immediately shoves Dalton down to the mat. Dalton springs back to his feet, charges at Viscera, and gives him two clubbing forearm shots to the chest, but Viscera barely budges. Viscera again shoves Dalton down to the mat, waits for him to get back to his feet, traps him in the corner, and gives him two monstrous chops to the chest. Viscera hip tosses Dalton back to the middle of the ring, waits for him to get back to his feet, and clotheslines him right back down to the mat. Dalton rids himself of any semblance of good sense, again gets back to his feet, and walks right into a scoop slam from Viscera. This kid is going to die. Mark my words. Viscera hits the ropes and drops an elbow right down onto Dalton’s chest. Anybody order pancakes? Dalton begins to roll towards the safety of the ring apron, but Viscera grabs the top rope and STANDS ON DALTON’S BACK! Dude, that’s just not right. Not right at all.

Dalton crawls to the corner and uses the ropes to climb to his feet, but Viscera traps him in the corner and gives him another chop to the chest. Viscera goes for yet another chop, but Dalton just manages to slide out of the way. Viscera’s hand slams into the top turnbuckle, and Dalton slides behind Viscera and clips his knee. Viscera turns around and is met with a standing drop kick from Dalton but somehow manages to stay on his feet. Dalton hits the ropes and charges towards Viscera, but Viscera catches him with a spinning heel kick. How the hell does he do that? I swear that there are certain laws of physics that break down when you get that much mass spinning that quickly. Anyway, Dalton again crawls to the corner and climbs to his feet, but Viscera charges towards him and catches him with a huge splash in the corner. Dalton immediately slumps down to the mat, so Viscera heads back to the middle of the ring and shakes what his momma gave him while Dalton slowly regains his vertical base. Viscera waits for Dalton to stumble back to the middle of the ring and then hits the Sex Drive (two-handed sit-out spine buster). Viscera covers Dalton and gets the three count. Viscera’s music hits as Viscera celebrates his victory.

We then move on to a promo for Super Crazy vs. Charlie Haas later in the show.

We finish up with a commercial for the Royal Rumble, live on Sunday, January 28th at 8e/5p, only on pay-per-view.

Match Result: Viscera defeats Ty Dalton with the Sex Drive.
Match Length: 2:35
Best Spot: Viscera’s Sex Drive.

Segment 2: Haas of Loco
(Super Crazy vs. Charlie Haas)

Okay kids, here’s the story. I keep hearing that some sort of ice storm of doom is about to hit Central Illinois, and I sure as hell don’t want to be on the road when it does. I’m going to call this thing a wrap and head home for the night, but I’ll finish up the Review for this segment and the fourth segment at some point during the day tomorrow.

Match Result: Super Crazy defeats Charlie Haas with a standing moonsault.
Match Length: 8:39
Best Spot: Super Crazy’s second rope springboard moonsault.

Segment 3: Haggis vs. Beef Stew?
(The Highlanders vs. Daniel Cross & Dinty Moore)

We’re back on Heat, the bagpipes hit, and the Highlanders make their way down the ramp. Rory and Robbie climb into the ring where Daniel Cross and Dinty Moore are already waiting for them and then hit the corner to pose for the crowd. Wait, wait, hold on a second. Dinty Moore? Are you fucking me? This moron calls himself Dinty Moore? For all of our international readers who may not know, Dinty Moore is a brand of nasty, disgusting beef stew produced by Hormel Foods, the same company that makes Spam. And so this jobber thought he would name himself after beef stew? WHAT THE FUCK? WHO THINKS THAT’S A GOOD IDEA? I want to see this guy get his ass handed to him. Unfortunately, as is often the case here on Heat, we have no idea which jobber is Daniel Cross and which jobber is, you know, DINTY FUCKING MOORE. Oh well, I guess I’ll just go with the old stand-by and call them Jobber #1 and Jobber #2. If you happen to know which jobber is which, feel free to send me an email and let me know. Anyway, all four men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Robbie and Jobber #2 head for their respective corners and climb out onto the ring apron, so it looks like it’s going to be Rory and Jobber #1 to start things off. Rory and Jobber #1 circle each other to start and then lock each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Rory quickly transitions to a standing side head lock on Jobber #1, but Jobber #1 breaks the hold with two forearm shots to Rory’s ribs. Jobber #1 whips Rory to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and goes for a clothesline, but Rory ducks underneath the Jobber’s arm. Rory hits the opposite ropes while Jobber #1 spins around to face him. Rory comes off the ropes and charges towards Jobber #1 while Jobber #1 ducks his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Rory puts on the brakes, channels Vito, and puts his kilt over the Jobber’s head. Well that’s not a pretty sight. Jobber #1 reels backwards in terror, but Rory drops him with a double ax-handle to the chest. Jobber #1 gets back to his feet, but Rory grabs him by the head, guides him over to the corner, and slams his head into the top turnbuckle. Rory tags in Robbie, and Rory and Robbie nail Jobber #1 with a double head butt.

Rory climbs out of the ring and onto the ring apron while Robbie drags Jobber #1 back to his feet. Robbie whips Jobber #1 to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and catches him with a beautiful standing drop kick. Robbie again drags Jobber #1 back to his feet, gives him a European style uppercut, guides him over to the corner, and tags in Rory. Rory and Robbie whip Jobber #1 to the ropes, wait for him to rebound, and send him down to the mat with a double hip toss. Rory and Robbie slap each other silly and then give Jobber #1 a double head butt drop on the mat. Robbie climbs out of the ring and onto the ring apron while Jobber #1 begins to crawl towards his own corner. Rory tries to prevent Jobber #1 from tagging in Jobber #2, but Jobber #1 catches Rory with a back elbow shot to the face. Jobber #1 tags in Jobber #2, and Jobber #2 climbs into the ring while Jobber #1 climbs out of the ring and onto the ring apron.

Jobber #2 charges towards Rory, but Rory catches him with a clothesline. Rory drags Jobber #2 back to his feet, gives him a head butt, traps him in the corner, and tags in Robbie. Robbie climbs into the ring while Rory climbs out of the ring and onto the ring apron. Robbie traps Jobber #2 in the corner and gives him two forearm shots to the chest. Robbie guides Jobber #2 to one of the neutral corners and slams his head into the top turnbuckle two times. Robbie whips Jobber #2 to the opposite corner and charges after him, but Jobber #2 just manages to slide out of the way. Robbie had lowered his shoulder with the intention of driving it into the Jobber’s gut, but instead he slams chest-first into the middle turnbuckle. Jobber #2 quickly catches Robbie with an arm wringer and then transitions to a standing arm bar. Jobber #2 guides Robbie over to the corner, tags in Jobber #1, and then drives an elbow onto Robbie’s arm. Jobber #2 maintains his hold on Robbie as Jobber #1 climbs into the ring, jumps up to the second rope, and comes off with a flying fist drop to Robbie’s shoulder. Jobber #2 wrenches on Robbie’s arm two times and then leverages him down to the mat with an arm wringer while Jobber #1 climbs out of the ring and onto the ring apron. Robbie begins to crawl towards Rory, but Jobber #1 raises him up to his knees and applies a standing overhead key lock. Robbie fights up to his feet and muscles Jobber #2 backwards towards the corner in order to slam his back into the top turnbuckle, but the Jobber refuses to relinquish his hold on Robbie’s arm. Robbie again slams the Jobber back-first into the top turnbuckle, and this time he is successful in breaking the hold. Robbie gives Jobber #2 two back elbow shots to the face followed by a snap mare takedown. Jobber #2 seems momentarily stunned, so Robbie heads over to his own corner and tags in Robbie. Rory climbs into the ring while Robbie climbs out of the ring and onto the ring apron.

Jobber #1 gets back to his feet and charges towards Rory, but Rory sends him right back down to the mat with a double ax-handle to the chest. Jobber #2 climbs into the ring and charges toward Rory, but Rory gives him double ax-handle to the chest as well. Jobber #1 gets back to his feet and walks right into a second double ax-handle to the chest, and then Jobber #2 gets back to his feet and is greeted with a second double ax-handle shot of his own. Jobber #1 gets back to his feet, but Rory sends him rights back down to the mat with a scoop slam. Jobber #2 gets back to his feet, but Rory has a scoop slam for him as well. Jobber #1 gets back to his feet and takes a swing at Rory, but Rory ducks underneath the Jobber’s arm and catches him with a side slam backbreaker (basically a Rock Bottom onto Rory’s knee). Rory covers Jobber #1 and Jobber #2 tries to drop an elbow down onto Rory’s back to break up the pin, but Rory rolls out of the way and Jobber #2 instead drops an elbow right onto his partner’s chest. Robbie climbs into the ring, drags Jobber #2 back to his feet, guides him to the corner, and slams his head into the top turnbuckle as Rory drags Jobber #1 back to his feet and guides him to the opposite corner. Rory applies a standing side had lock to Jobber #1 as Robbie does the same to Jobber #2. Rory and Robbie charge towards each other and orchestrate a meeting of the minds between their opponents. Jobber #2 stumbles backwards, falls between the ropes, and tumbles down to the arena floor while Rory and Robbie catch Jobber #1 with their Double Inverted Slingshot Suplex. Rory covers Jobber #1 and gets the three count. The bagpipes hit as the referee raises the Highlanders’ hands in victory.

We finish up with a commercial for the new “Rowdy” Roddy Piper: Born to Controversy DVD set.

Match Result: Rory McAllister defeats Jobber #1 with the Scot Drop.
Match Length: 3:40
Best Spot: The Highlanders’ Scot Drop

Segment 4: The Main Event
(“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Shelton Benjamin)

Like I said earlier, I need to head home before this ice storm hits. I’ll finish up the Review for this segment tomorrow.

Match Result: Shelton Benjamin defeats “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan with a kick to the back of the head.
Match Length: 3:55
Best Spot: Benjamin’s Shelton Splash

Okay kids, that’s it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I’ll see you back here next weekend.