The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (4.5.1986)

-Originally aired April 5, 1986.

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino.

WRESTLEMANIA 2 UPDATE
-Lord Alfred runs down the big card for Wrestlemania 2, coming up this Monday night for no reason other than that we did this last year. We get words from Tommy Lasorda’s cue card, encouraging us to be there on  Monday night.

UNCLE ELMER & HILLBILLY JIM vs. CHUCK SIMPSON & AL NAVARRO
–Jim shoves Simpson around while Vince and Bruno hype the battle royale in Chicago. Honest question: is “reinforcing the ring” actually a thing?

-Cab Calloway cuts a super-laid back promo while Elmer super-lays down on top of Navarro with a leg drop to get the three-count.

-Gene Okerlund gets comments from Refrigerator Perry, who says that Andre is on his mind. Andre’s the biggest, but he might NOT be the best. Perry promises to find out.

MAGNIFICENT MURACO (with Mr. Fuji) vs. IVAN MCDONALD
-Forearms by Muraco. He tosses McDonald to the floor. Back in, he drives the Asiatic spike into the throat while we get comments from Harvey Martin, who, based on promo quality, should change his first name to Ahmed.

-Vince mentions how excited he is to call commentary with Susan St. James, but he’s curious to hear how Jesse Ventura handles Elvira. And of course, nobody can believe that Herb will be there to be guest ring announcer. Hey, you know who else is going to be there? HULK HOGAN. Your champion. He has a match, I hear. God, again, Wrestlemania 2 had to be the one time in his entire WWF run when Hulk had the WEAKEST build going into a supercard.

-Muraco finishes with the piledriver, and then kisses Rita Marie on the hand to thank her for counting three. Smooth.

-Gene Okerlund talks to the Funks, who says baseball and tiddley winks aren’t the national pastime, wrestling is. Terry promises that he and Hoss are ready for the Junkyard Jackass. Randy Savage throws confetti at Gene Okerlund and says he won’t finish until he’s taught George Steele how to talk and he’s said “Macho Man, you’re the best.”

CORPORAL KIRCHNER & “Golden Boy” DANNY SPIVEY vs. STEVE LOMBARDI & A.J. PETRUZZI
-Vince & Bruno run down the complete roster for the battle royale while Spivey armdrags Lombardi around. Petruzzi tags in and gets his fair share. Kirchner monkeyflips Petruzzi while we get words from Cathy Lee Crosby, saying she can’t wait to see Big John Studd get thrown out of the ring.

-Neckbreaker by Kirchner while Vince reminds us that Wrestlemania 2 will not air on any free television outlets. Well, not until November 2014, anyway.

-Double suplex by Spivey and Kirchner, and Kirchner finishes with the fireman’s carry slam. Vince says he can’t help imagining Herb from Burger King ringing the bell when he watches a wrestling match like this. Vince can’t help imagining that because he’s on mushrooms.

-Gene Okerlund talks to Paul Orndorff, who says he’s worked too hard to get where he is in the WWF for Don Muraco to edge him out. He warns Muraco’s manager, “Too Hung Low,” not to interfere. Valentine and Beefcake are ready for the Bulldogs.

ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS (with Jimmy Hart) vs. NELSON VEILLEUX
-Adonis flies all over the ring to take bumps from Veilleux, and then takes a time out to get his hair combed by Jimmy. Elvira jumps in and hypes Wrestlemania 2, while Adonis calls it a night quickly with Irene. “You’re So Vain” plays as Adonis celebrates his win.

PIPER’S PIT
-Piper wanders around Joe Frazier’s Gym and barks until Frazier finally emerges and promises that he’s going to be in Mr. T’s corner. Frazier shows Piper that he decorated all of the punching bags in the gym with kilts, and Mr. T has been training extra hard. Frazier questions his ab strength and Piper tells him to throw a medicine ball at him. Piper no-sells-but-does-sell-it, and hastily leaves, talking shit about T while keeping his arms wrapped around his stomach.

WRESTLEMANIA 2 REPORT
-Gene hypes the upcoming battle royal and we get comments from most of the participants. That’s it. Gene literally did not mention any other matches on the card.

-Vince ducks in with a legendary commercial where he runs down the entire card and absolutely every celebrity guest in under a minute, seemingly without taking a breath.

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF & IRON SHEIK (with Classy Freddy Blassie) vs. LEAPING LANNY POFFO & DON DRIGGERS
-Poffo’s poem is the first mention we’ve had this entire hour of Hulk’s match at Wrestlemania 2, which Poffo hypes by telling us that King Kong Bundy has “the world’s most incredible butt.”

-Sheik lays a beating on Poffo to punish him for making him picture that. He does the Bossman legdrop on Poffo before tagging in Nikolai. Poffo actually mounts a comeback, but tags out immediately, and Driggers walks right into a wedgie backbreaker. Camel clutch gets the submission.

-Gene Okerlund runs down the card one more time before talking about Hulk Hogan, who, according to some recent inside gossip at the time, was actually scheduled to have a match at Wrestlemania 2. Hulk’s personal physician says that he is risking permanent injury by getting into the ring and he has warned the Hulkster of the danger, but Hulk is insisting on wrestling anyway. Hulk says he’s going to prove that he’s the only champion in the world. He says the cage match won’t be a pretty sight, and he says he’s going to have to live with the scars from the steel cage match for the rest of his life, just like Vietnam veterans. He really said that.

-Wackiness at the end of the show: Vince and Bruno hype Wrestlemania 2 one final time, with Valentine & Beefcake and the Killer Bees clearly visible in the background, getting ready to start a dark match.

5.2

The final score: review Not So Good

The 411

What I take away from the past month of shows is that the reason Wrestlemania III was so good the following year was because Vince McMahon slumped down in his chair after Wrestlemania 2 and said "I'm not doing THIS again" and actually meant it. The glut of celebrity guests and trying to give equal weight to three main events just gave the past month a wildly unfocused, harried feel.