411’s TNA Impact Report 09.03.09

Hey yo. You know who I am. You know what this is. So let’s cut to the chase and get to the action. HAJIME!

They break down the matches set for tonight, which are all aiming at the PPV. Dammit I missed the wacky title.

Qualifier for the Main Event at No Surrender: Sting vs. Rhino

So does Jesse Neal cost Rhino the match, or win it for him? Apparently Rhino threatened legal action to get in this match despite being signed to fight Lashley at the PPV.

They’re tentative. Rhino with the cheap kick to the gut but his whip is reversed. Stinger Splash! A second! Leg kick takes Rhino down, and the Scorpion! Centre of the ring! Rhino is going for the ropes and JUST makes it. Sting tries a whip but it’s reversed and Rhino gets a charging shoulder in the corner. Way to sell those legs Rhino. Shots to the gut now, followed by a forearm shiver to the back. More gutshots in the corner. Snap mare by Rhino and he clamps on a body scissors. With those legs this is great psychology. Sting breaks the hold and reverses a whip but a Stinger Splash catches turnbuckle! Belly to belly with the arm trapped by Rhino! He sets for the Gore…Sting moves! Deathdrop! 3!

Winner: Sting via pinfall (Scorpion Deathdrop)

Post-match, gore, Gore, GORE~! He lays in a series of gutshots and the crowd is taunting him. Rhino makes as if to leave, turns and gore, Gore, GORE~!

Rating: **½ Aside from Rhino’s lack of selling, I thought this worked very well. They had some good psychology with Rhino’s offense and the aftermath played well with the one-night tournament format. Good start.

We get shots of Sting getting his ribs taped after the break. Tenay says the trainer thinks some may be cracked.

Booker is with Kurt Angle and Lauren. Booker is pissed about Matt Morgan, then yells at Kip who is installing phone lines. Kip makes as if to fly all up in his grill yo, but Steiner shows up and brings the “comedy”. Angle leaves. Good plan Kurt.

Qualifier for the Main Event at No Surrender: AJ Styles vs. Chris Sabin

Especially when this match is the alternative. Shelley is going to join the commentary for this match.

They exchange armlocks to start. Sabin gets a boot to the gut and a Japanese armdrag, Styles gets one of his own, they work some counters and Styles gets a headlock takedown. Headscissors by Sabin, more counters, some rope running and a HUGE dropkick by Styles. Sabin bails to the floor, Styles chases but Sabin comes back in then hits a headscissors on the floor. STUN GUN on the railing by Sabin. Shelley is being Shelley on the mic, which is a good thing. Back inside now, a whip and a knee to the gut by Sabin followed by a chinlock variant. Sabin tries a spin kick to the gut but AJ catches it and drives Sabin to the mat face first. A series of hard clotheslines by AJ followed by the springboard forearm for 2. Styles Clash…countered to a sunset flip! 1…2…no! Cradle Shock countered, Sabin ducks the clothesline and comes off the ropes for a tornado DD…no, Northern Lights by AJ to counter! 1…2…no! AJ charges with a forearm in the corner but misses, Sabin charges into a back elbow and AJ tries the moonsault reverse DDT but Sabin blocks (plus it was short on the landing) hits a snap mare than a HUGE Kawada kick! Sabin rolls through and tries a springboard forearm of his own…AJ ducks, Sabin rolls through and PELE~! Styles Clash! 1…2…3!

Winner: AJ Styles via pinfall (Styles Clash)
Rating: ***¼ High-paced, full of counters and great fun, but a couple of missed spots and missing about 5 minutes. These two know each other so the counters were the story, and also happen to be a great way to make me happy.

Lauren is with Hernandez to ask about fighting Homicide. He thinks it’s some sort of conspiracy. He says Homicide is his brother but business is business. Eric Young is here to say it’s no coincidence. He figures they are cut from the same cloth. EY’s hopes and dreams were all crushed, and people like them are not playing on a level field. He figures American dreams are for Americans only (great line) and
tonight he’s going to show Hernandez that they are familia.

Here comes Daniels for some mic time. Hey I own that shirt. He’s going to win the title on September 20, but first he wants to get something off his chest so he calls out Joe. Joe is not slow in answering. Daniels says TNA used to revolve around the X-Division, and three men: Joe, Daniels and AJ. But what made it special was that the three of them came up together and traveled together, becoming like family. He brings up Unbreakable 2005 and talks about how that was the only time the X-Division title was defended in the main event of a PPV. Wasn’t the Joe-Angle “all the gold” match a PPV main? Joe says he’s given Daniels ample time to make a point that he cared about, but he has places to go and shit to do. Daniels stops him and says the MEM is scared of him. He saus Joe took the money and threw away his friendships and integrity. Nobody knows or recognises him any more. Including his wife and son. SHIT GOT REAL. Daniels turns to ask Taz something, which is probably not HALF NELSON DEATHPLEX OF HEAD-DROPPING DOOM! Oh Daniels…

Lauren is with Matt Morgan, and she wants to know if Morgan is ready for Angle’s headgames. Morgan says he isn’t playing any games. He’s chalking the stuff up to rookie mistakes. Nothing can get between him and Kurt Angle.

Qualifier for the Main Event at No Surrender: Doug Williams vs. Suicide

Doug Williams gets the jobber-in-the-ring entrance. This doesn’t bode well for my FREAKING Chaos Theory.

They exchange armwringers and counters. It is good. Back elbows by Williams to break, they run the ropes and Suicide drops for a monkey flip so Williams holds on to the ropes. Suicide charges into a boot but gets a Finlay Roll for 2. Williams tries a German but Suicide blocks so Williams pushes him off and hits the back suplex. RUNNING KNEE in the corner by Williams. He butterflies the arms of Suicide and twists the head at an obscene angle. Knee drop to the head gets 2. He tries another back suplex, Suicide goes out the back and hits a couple of chops, they run the ropes butn Williams hits a flying European for 2. Snap suplex and floatover gets 2. European uppercut, a whip and a charging high knee by Williams, he climbs the ropes but Suicide hits a flying enziguiri! Both men are down, Suicide is up first and gets some right hands, a series of them now followed by a springboard dropkick. A clothesline is followed by a running Russian legsweep. Scoop slam and Suicide climbs…here comes the Pope! SUICIDE FLIES to the floor onto the Pope! Suicide back inside, Pope distracts him CHAOS MUTHALOVING FUCKING SUPER ORGASM UBER SWEET THEORY!!!!!!!! Count to 80 baby this bitch is over!

Winner: Doug Williams via pinfall (Chaos FUCKING Theory)
Rating: Eleventy billion stars. Well, ** anyway Not what it could have been, but it seemed obvious that Dinero would interfere here. I’m just stoked I got to see Chaos Theory. Even if it was a subpar one.

Sting is with JB, and he’s emotional. Sting says he knows he’s not in his prime but he won’t have many more chances to do this.

Lauren is with The Beautiful People who are competing in the tournament next week. Velvet threatens Lauren with cheese grater violence before saying that they don’t care who Madison Rayne’s partner is. Angelina says practically the same thing.

Knockouts Tag Tournament: Tara and Christy Hemme vs. Hamada and Sojo Bolt

Boo, Hamada has no robe this week, but gets a decent pop. Hemme looks like she belongs on a beach.

Tara and Hamada to start. This could be good. They work some waistlock reversals, Tara gets a rollthrough and bridge for 2. They both pick the ankle and work some nice mat counters for quick counts, and both are up. Tara bows but gets kicked in the head instead. Tara reverses a whip but Hamada goes straight into a quebrada press for 2! Tag to Sojo now who gets tripped, scoop slam by Tara and she tags Christy. Splits legdrop by Chirsty gets 2. Whip by Hemme, she misses a charge and Sojo tags Hamada who comes in with an axehandle and a big kick to the face. Taz reckons Christy has great groin flexibility. Does that mean it stretches a lot? Commercial!

We’re back and Bolt is in control of Hemme, but Hemme crawls between her legs and gets the tag! Tara with a series of rights and a stiff clothesline, followed by a thrust kick for 2. Hamada makes the save but Hemme hits the reverse DDT! WIDOW”S MUTHALOVING PEAK TO SOJO! Two markouts in one night! Oh yeah, that does it.

Winners: Tara and Christy Hemme via pinfall (Tara on Sojo,Widow’s Peak)
Rating: *¼ Meh. It was OK.

Post-match, Hamada nails Sojo with the Hamada Driver.

JB is with Angle to warn him that Morgan may be working him. Angle says nobody works him. Morgan needs Angle apparently. They run into Morgan backstage and Kurt wants a favour. Morgan agrees that they should team without being asked and Kurt asks if Morgan is screwing with him. “Screw with you? That’s career suicide Kurt!” Well, the last two people who screwed Kurt are no longer on TV for TNA that’s for sure. Kurt is totally taken in by Morgan’s schtick.

We get a video montage of Homicide and Hernandez.

Qualifier for the Main Event at No Surrender: Hernandez vs. Homicide

Hernandez overpowers Homicide early. Homicide tries a different approach with a headlock, escapes out the back of a back suplex and kicks Hernandez in the gut, then tries a sunnset flip. Hernandez hauls him up by the throat, Homicide kicks him to break it and tries an Ace Crusher but Hernandez nails the Cracker Jack instead. He goes for the Border Toss but Homicide slides out and kicks out the leg, then gets a bulldog for 2. Homicide starts going to work on the leg with kicks to the knee. Shoulders in the corner by Homicide, then back to the knee. Homicide tries a tornado DDT but Hernandez holds on and hits a belly to belly, but Homicide avoids the charge. Homicide runs off the ropes and tries…something that doesn’t work. DOMINATOR by Hernandez! 1…2…3!

Winner: Hernandez via pinfall (Dominator)
Rating: *3/4 I just wasn’t feeling this. The leg work was uninspired and seemed to have no effect, the match seemed to drag and the winner was never in doubt. OK, but not up to par with the other matches tonight.

Lauren is with Doug Williams. He is about to step in the ring with one of the best wrestlers in the world. He rates AJ very highly, but he rates himself even higher. He’s going to have this match one-on-one, leaving the Invasion backstage.

JB is with AJ, OK? WTFLOLOMGBBQ. Standard “I’m gonna beat Doug Williams tonight” stuff.

Kurt Angle is here in a suit. He’s going to do some commentary.

Doug Williams vs AJ Styles – Tournament Final

AJ with a leg takedown, Williams rolls out and gets a headlock takedown, into a headscissors by Styles, Williams escapes and AJ gets a cradle for 2. Williams picks the ankle and tries a bow and arrow, AJ counters for a quick one count. Europeans exchanged, Williams runs the ropes but avoids the dropkick by grabbing a headlock. AJ floats out of a body slam and gets one of his own before a low dropkick for 2. AJ ties up the legs…Indian deathlock applied. AJ releases the hold and tries a whip, the charge is missed but he springboards right into the DVD position for Williams…oh wow. Go 2 Sleep vairant, with a European uppercut instead of a knee lift. Awesome. That gets 2. Headscissors by Williams, he rolls over and rams AJ’s head into the mat a few times while maintaining the hold, then gets a cover for 2. Chops by AJ, a whip and Aj tries a leaping forearm as Williams stops the momentum, causing them to collide. They are both up and exchanging shots, DROPKICK by AJ. Williams goes to the floor, SOMERSAULT SENTON TO THE OUTSIDE! AJ rolls Williams inside and gets a 2 count. AJ takes Williams up in a torture rack…could it be a Burning Hammer? It would be the best Impact ever. He spins Williams into a powerbomb! Nice. 2 count only. AJ perches Williams on the top rope but he gets pushed off…top rope European by Williams! 1…2…no! More Europeans by Williams, a whip and a charge and AJ decapitates him with a clothesline! Styles Clash….no, Williams reverses, AJ gets a waistlock, Williams pulls the switch, CHAOS THE—no! AJ holds on! Moonsault reverse DDT! 1…2…3!

Winner: AJ Styles via pinfall (moonsault reverse DDT)
Rating: ***½ That was better than Sabin-Styles. More story, more realistic, less spotty and no botches. Really really good.

Lauren is with Team 3D and Jesse Neal. Ray says that Jesse is a true American hero and tells us Jesse’s story again. WE GET IT. Jesse is now under Team 3D’s protection and they will make him a war machine. Devon then starts on the British Invasion, saying they’re coming for their titles.

Hernandez vs Sting – Tournament Final

Hernandez goes straight for the ribs, but backs off as Sting looks hurt. Hebner checks him but Sting is OK enough to get a headlock and a series of shots followed by a dropkick. Which of course causes him to land on his ribs. DOH! Hernandez goes back to the shoulders in the corner, whips Sting and gets a big tackle. Sting is rolling around in agony. Wait…HOMICIDE??? He starts beating on Sting with a retractable baton! Hebner sees it and calls for the bell. Wait….did Homicide fall into a pool of Clorox? THAT’S ERIC YOUNG! Fucking awesome.

Winner: Sting via disqualification (Eric Young blindside)
Rating: *½ This isn’t losing points for this finish. Had it really been Homicide, I would have been pissed, but as it is the ending was awesome. Plus it’s a good plan to keep Hernandez away from Morgan for now. The thing is, the match just wasn’t good. At all.

Back from break and Hernandez is pissed. He calls out Eric Young but he comes with the whole World Elite, who all fall before the wrath of Hernandez until Big Rob catches him from behind. GANG BANG! AJ is out but the numbers catch up to him, and now two of them are being stomped. So where are Team 3D? Well, there’s BEER! MONEY! That clears the ring of heels, and NOW 3D are coming out to trap them on the ramp. Ummm, there are 7 of you, go through the 2 guys. Duh. It’s a Pier 6 brawl again And I smell a 12-man tag next week. The faces are all in complete control here. Orlando wants tables. Bashir is being OWNED in the ring, it’s time for the WAZZUUUUUUUP!

DEVON! Viscera was Mabel! Tenay utters the worst line in history – “Devon slides the wood into Brother Ray” just before Steiner and Booker hit the ring and attack Team 3D. The heels are on top now as the British Invasion hit the springboard European/spinebuster combo. Steiner and Booker put Storm through the table and the Mafia and World Elite pose to close us out.