The SmarK RAW Rant – April 28 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – April 28 2003

– Well, hockey once again wiped out RAW’s normal starting time on TSN, and since I didn’t feel like staying up until 1am to watch the show, I taped it and decided to do it this afternoon instead. And thus here we are. I briefly considered leaving it until the replay later tonight on TSN, but that would conflict with both 24 and game 3 of the Wild-Canucks series, so this is the lesser of two evils. I have been avoiding spoilers all morning, however, if it makes you feel better.

– Live from Boston, MA.

– Your hosts are King & Coach.

– Opening interview: Chris Jericho is here to save us from Piper’s Pit by debuting his own segment – the Highlight Reel. His first guest is Goldberg, who now has his OLD music back again. Or at least a close enough facsimile to it. They talk a bit about their past “history” (wink-wink) and Jericho denies being a wrestler – he’s an interviewer, so no physical stuff. Apparently Goldberg is going around like a bigshot and spearing people for no reason, and Jericho wants to know WHY. Before he can answer, Christian interrupts (in Rock’s stead, since he’s Rock’s favorite wrestler and all) and points out that half the arena was booing him last night. Goldberg is just fine with booing, because the people paid to see him and they can do whatever they want. Wow, he’s not gonna last long with that kind of positive attitude towards the fanbase. The threats start flying, but Jericho plays the voice of reason, pointing out that the scuttlebutt is that none of the boys want Goldberg in the WWE anyway. So Christian brings out the jobber brigade of 3MW, Victoria and Stevie as proof of this scuttlebuttery. So Goldberg is all “bring it, punks” and they do so. Of course, they all abandon Stevie, who gets killed. This was a weird spin-control / internet suck-up segment that’s still ducking the central reason Goldberg got over in the first place: Being fed jobber after jobber and destroying them in 20 seconds with the only moves he knows. Goldberg talking isn’t gonna get him over.

– The Hurricane v. Chief Morley. Morley overpowers him to start and they exchange superhero poses. Hurricane responds by doing the Val Venis swivel, and he gets an inverted atomic drop and a rollup for two. He works a headlock for two, which Morley reverses into a facelock. Hurricane runs into a knee and a DEVASTATING bodyslam. Kind of oversold that particular move, but better to oversell than undersell. Butterfly suplex gets two. Morley goes to a surfboard, and someone uses my “Queef Morley” in their sign! I want royalties, although I guess I did give up that running joke a few weeks ago when it became apparent that much of my readership was too young to get the joke. Hurricane makes the comeback but gets pounded down again, and Morley uses Eddie’s rolling suplexes, which Hurricane reverses to the Eye of the Hurricane. Hurricane comes back with a pair of clotheslines and the midcard neckbreaker, which gets two. Shining Wizard misses and Morley counters with the Blue Thunder bomb, which gets two. Morley goes up and misses the Money Shot, and Hurricane hits the Overcast for the clean pin at 5:40. That’s the kind of wins he needs, not fluke rollups of main eventers. *

– Meanwhile, Flair kisses HHH’s ass, and HHH returns the favor. Feel the love. Tonight, they challenge for the tag titles.

– Teddy Long brings out Jazz for a celebration with Rodney Mack, who is already in the ring. This was apparently tacked onto the end of another segment which we didn’t see up here.

– Meanwhile, Trish asks Bischoff for a rematch. All she has to do is beat Uncle Eric. Seems easy enough. But if she loses…well, you can use your imagination.

– Meanwhile, Test talks out of his ass trying to convince Stacy of his innocence. But Stacy already booked Test & Steiner in a tag match tonight.

– Random pop culture update: We finally got Best Buy up here in Edmonton last week, and I’ve gotta say I’m not that impressed. Prices are about the same as Future Shop and it’s not like there’s any brands or titles that we don’t see anywhere else. From the way it was being hyped I thought it’d be dirt cheap DVD deals and miles of electronics. Perhaps the translation from US to Canada hurt it a lot, I dunno.

– RAW Tag titles: Kane & RVD v. HHH & Ric Flair. I can’t believe they still haven’t updated the tag title graphic. I mean, it’s been months now. Flair and HHH are stylin’ with the matching black tights and boots tonight. How can they lose now? Flair struts around Kane to avoid him, and starts chopping. Kane returns fire in the corner and presses Flair, and then prevents him from tagging out. HHH comes in, but Rob spinkicks him out of the ring and follows with a pescado. He gives Flair an extra shot off the apron, but gets clobbered by HHH coming in. We head to a break as Shawn chats with someone on the phone. We return with the champs double-teaming HHH and Rob legdropping him for two. Hey, remember when both Kane & RVD were contenders to HHH’s title? Neither do I. Rob flips and flops and dropkicks him in the corner. Another legdrop variation gets two. A cheapshot turns the tide, as Flair nails Rob from behind and HHH follows with the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. Flair starts chopping and pounds on RVD in the corner. Over to the other corner, more stomping. HHH and RVD slug it out and HHH USES THE KNEE for two. Flair also uses the knee, albeit in a different fashion, for two. Rob makes the comeback but stands too close to HHH’s corner and gets stuck there again. Flair goes for Rob’s leg, and HHH stays on it with elbows. Flair grabs a leglock and HHH once again tries to get the Indian Deathlock over as a viable finisher. Finally RVD fights off Flair and makes the hot tag to Kane, who cleans house with his usual assortment of clotheslines and sideslams and clotheslines. Flying clothesline gets two. HHH pops out of nowhere and tries the Pedigree, but Kane escapes. Flair goes low on him, as does HHH, and Flair gets the figure-four. Rob breaks that up with Rolling Thunder, but HHH gets rid of him and Pedigrees Kane. Of course, it’d be over if not for Kevin Nash saving the champions by chasing HHH away with a sledgehammer. God bless Kevin Nash. We cut away from the match now and follow Nash’s chase of HHH to the back, and then return to Flair alone against the champions. They quickly finish him with the usual at 14:18, which shows you where the power REALLY lies on that heel team. See, because HHH was about to single-handedly win the titles, but once his useless partner was left alone it became hopeless. That was also the most BORING tag team match in the history of boring tag matches, or maybe I’m just tired this afternoon or something. *

– Meanwhile, HHH runs to his limo, but Nash attacks it with the sledgehammer. It takes about 8 whacks to break the window. Wow, that new car wax IS a miracle! Then, he tries squirting lighter fluid on the finish and setting it on fire, and it buffs right off! Okay, I admit, I changed the channel to an infomercial after the window broke. Maybe next time Nash should call Goldberg for tips on breaking limo windows.

– Chris Nowinski & Rico v. Test & Scott Steiner. Steiner pounds on Nowinski to start and gets the belly-to-belly for one, as Nowinski takes a powder. Rico tries and gets demolished as well, but some teamwork allows Rico to kick Steiner to the floor and Nowinski to post him. Back in, Rico grabs a sleeper, but Steiner suplexes out of it while Test argues with Stacy over nothing. The heels double-suplex Steiner and drop elbows, giving Rico two. Nowinski mocks Steiner again and gets suplexed for his troubles, allowing Steiner to make the hot tag to Test. I use the term in the theoretical sense, since no one cares about anyone in this match. Test gets the full nelson slam on Nowinski for two. Rico kicks him down from behind and works him in the corner with the kick series, but Test fights him off. Steiner tags back in and finishes Nowinski with the inverted DDT at 3:51. Sloppy, bad match. Ѕ* But at least it was quick. Test and Stacy continue their fussin’ and feudin’ after the match. And speaking of which, La Resistance interrupts Steiner’s post-match promo and viciously speaks French at the audience. BASTARDS. Next they’ll start maliciously making poutine and critiquing fashion. Rene Dupree notes that since they’re French, they’re lovers. I love shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments. Steiner beats on them for their Frenchness, and proceed to beating him down. I’m almost feeling sorry for Steiner these days.

– Meanwhile, Booker T & Goldberg meets and greets with Goldberg. What happened to him being all for himself and beating on anyone who gets in his face? His character in WCW worked because he was the psychotic loner who didn’t do cutesy-poo segments with other babyfaces.

– Booker T v. Christian. Booker works a headlock to start and overpowers Christian, and a clothesline sets up the backkick. Backdrop out of the corner gets two. Christian necksnaps him and they brawl out, where Booker meets the stairs. Back in, Christian chokes away in the corner, but Booker slugs back. Christian gets a dropkick for two and hits the chinlock. Booker fights out and gets a backdrop as the crowd seems distracted, and he makes the comeback with a clothesline and sideslam that gets two. Axe kick misses, but Booker gets the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. Christian can’t get the Unprettier, but Booker axe kicks him and Spinaroonies. 3 Minute Warning runs in for the no-contest at 5:31. Match wasn’t going anywhere in particular anyway. * They destroy Booker (which is about the most humiliating thing that can happen to you on RAW), but Goldberg saves and jackhammers Jamal. Christian dumps him, but Goldberg spears Rosie through the barricade. Neat spot, although they’ve gotta get Goldberg out of the midcard really fast and should probably blow off this mini-feud next week and get rid of it.

– Trish Stratus v. Eric Bischoff. Eric mocks her, so Trish kicks him in the head. Victoria runs in, but it’s no-DQ, so the match continues. Trish fights her off, but now Jazz attacks and tosses her for some beatings. Back in, Eric calls her off because he wants her to stay conscious. He makes more lewd remarks and gets the pin at 3:17. I’ve never seen a bad pickup line used as a finisher before, but there’s a first time for everything. DUD

– However, a limo pulls up, and Linda McMahon is here to liven up the show. You know they’re desperate whenever they pull her out of mothballs. She starts talking about the board of governors and upper management and I doze off again. Eric tries sucking up, but Linda doesn’t think he’s fit to be GM. The mysterious “board” has decided to appoint a co-GM for RAW, in the form of Austin. KICK WHAM STUNNER, good night. Yes, it’s yet another figurehead added to the already crowded executive family tree that is the WWE. I’m sure you can all count off the recycled angles yourself, but off the top of my head there’s Commissioner Foley, CEO Austin in 1999, Flair & Vince as co-owners in 2001…am I forgetting anything? If this is all they’ve got for Austin, they might as well just write him into an off-screen role and get the fans used to being without him.

The Bottom Line:

Another bad show, with no real standout matches and a bunch of angles I have no interest in seeing. HHH’s snorefest in the middle didn’t help matters much, either. Another GM is not the solution, even if it’s Austin.

Until next week, GO CANUCKS GO!