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Ouija Shark Review
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Steph Goodwin– Jill
Robin Hodge– Kim
Amy Osborne– Tiffany
Christina Roman– Donna
Zoe Towne– Jen
John Migliore– Jill’s Dad
Chad Walls– Officer Jeb
Kyle Martellacci– Teen Boy
Taryn Waldorf– Teen Girl
Peter Whitaker– Officer
Kylie Gough– Medium
Fiona Nelson– Concerned Mom
Directed by Brett Kelly as Scott Patrick
Screenplay by David A. Lloyd
Distributed by Wild Eye Releasing
Not Rated
Runtime– 70 minutes
Buy it here
Ouija Shark, directed by Scott Patrick (better known as the Brett Kelly), is a new, seriously bizarre mega low budget horror flick about a killer ghost shark that’s somehow summoned into the world by young people fucking around with a Ouija board. Clocking in at around 70 minutes or so, Ouija Shark probably shouldn’t work or be as entertaining as it is. I mean, the whole thing is so goddamn ridiculous. And yet, if you’re a fan of mega low budget horror movies, Ouija Shark is something you will definitely dig.
Ouija Shark stars Steph Goodwin as Jill, a hip and edgy badass young woman who, while taking a swim at a lake or pond or something (she goes to a beach in the middle of the woods), finds an Ouija board. Instead of just leaving the goddamn thing right where it was, Jill takes it from the beach and meets up with her best friend Kim (Robin Hodge), who is having some sort of house party/girls weekend at a house in the suburbs (I think it’s meant to be Kim’s father’s house or something like that). Kim has also invited three other young women to stay over, including Jen (Zoe Towne), Donna (Christina Roman), and Tiffany (Amy Osborne). The other girls are a little leery of Jill because they don’t know her, but they all eventually get along because they just want to have fun this weekend (Tiffany decides to hang out with the next door neighbor, a guy that’s washing his car in the driveway. So Tiffany disappears for a period of time but no one seems all that concerned about it).
So Jill, Kim, Jen, and Donna go swimming in the pool, sunbathe, take naps, do some grilling, and drink alcohol. You know, fun shit. During a slow moment in the weekend, Jill decides to bring out the Ouija board and gets the other three girls to use it. They ask the board a bunch of questions, there’s a small argument about whether or not Ouija boards are bullshit or real (as we all know, Ouija boards are bullshit in real life and real in the movies), and they eventually get bored with it (ha). So they all get up and leave the Ouija board in the yard and go off to do other stuff. That night, Jill calls her father (John Migliore) to talk about a dream she had after fucking around with the board. She tells her father about the shark image she saw in the dream. What the hell was that about?
The next day, two young people on a date (Kyle Martellacci and Taryn Waldorf) are attacked by the shark that we all saw in Jill’s weird dream. The creature, a ghost shark, then shows up at the house, where Donna is hanging out at the pool and smoking a joint. Donna assumes that she’s hallucinating something as, apparently, the marijuana she’s smoking is good. The ghost shark then eats her. Jill, Jen, and Kim wake up, wonder where Donna is, assume she’s jogging or some shit, and they start to go about their morning. Tiffany leaves the neighbor’s house. Where the hell is the ghost shark? Where did it go?
And so the rest of the movie is the ghost shark appearing seemingly out of nowhere, people wondering what the hell is going on, and then people getting eaten by the ghost shark because, as ridiculous as it may seem, the ghost shark is real and it’s fucking eating people. Some cops get involved (Chad Walls plays a guy named Officer Jeb, and Peter Whitaker plays another police officer), the mother of one of the missing and eaten teens wants answers (Fiona Nelson), and Jill’s father does some research on spirit animals and talks with a medium (Kylie Gough). And so more people get chased around, more people get eaten, what’s happening is sort of explained, there’s a battle in the spirit world that’s both insane and kind of cool, and then the movie goes off the rails with an ending that’s just… you’ll just have to accept it and move on. I mean, if you’re willing to accept a ghost shark summoned by a mysterious Ouija board, you’ll also have to accept the ending. It doesn’t matter if none of it makes any sense.
One thing you will notice after about twenty minutes or so is you have no idea where any of this is happening. You know there’s a forest, there’s a sort of beach connected to that forest, and there’s a suburban area where Kim’s house is. But how are all of these places connected to one another? We never find out. People just seem to wander in and out of them. You also never know where, exactly, the shark is. That reality actually works in the movie’s favor because the monster can pop out at any time. I usually can’t stand it when we, the audience, don’t know the rules. What can the shark do? What can people do to fight off the shark? The lack of rules somehow ups the ante and makes the ghost shark attacks that much scarier. The only thing anyone can do is run and try to hide once the ghost shark appears. If it finds you the ghost shark will eat you.
Now how, exactly, can a ghost shark eat a person? It’s a fucking ghost! It shouldn’t be able to. And yet there it is, on screen, eating people. It just doesn’t matter whether or not you think it makes sense/if it’s possible. It’s fucking happening, so what are you going to do about it? The ghost shark effect looks ludicrous but, heck, if you saw it in your own life you’d probably freak out, too. It doesn’t seem to belong, and yet there it is right in front of you.
The performances are generally good. Steph Goodwin, in her big screen debut as Jill, does a nice job as the lead. She has an air of mystery about her that makes her interesting before you know anything about her, and when you do know more about her the whole “yeah, I’ll take a Ouija board I find at the beach and carry it around and do shit with it because why not” attitude she has makes sense. She also has a weird chemistry with the other girls. She’s the outsider of the group but she makes herself fit in. Her final scenes are insane.
The other girls, played by Robin Hodge (Kim), Christina Roman (Donna), Zoe Towne (Jen), and Amy Osborne (Tiffany) also do a fine job, getting together and along and whatnot. Their dialogue is a bit stiff but, at the same time, it seems natural because the whole weekend doesn’t seem planned anyway. What are they going to do next? They have no idea and, as a result, we have no idea what they plan to do next. I am curious, though, about what Tiffany did all night at the neighbor’s house. I mean, I’m just going to assume I know what she did, but at the same time what if I’m wrong? What if Tiffany is really a serial killer and she murdered that guy and chopped up his body? The movie could have gone in that direction if it wanted to for Tiffany.
John Migliore is hilarious as Jill’s Dad. Migliore has to do some of the most ridiculous stuff in the movie and he sells all of it. He makes you believe in the nonsense that he puts out. I would like to know why he didn’t get a name, though. I know, he’s “Jill’s Dad,” and that’s what’s important, but what the hell could his name be? Ted? Frank? Xavier? Perhaps that’s something a Ouija Shark 2 could explore.
Ouija Shark isn’t going to be for everyone. If you’re not a fan of mega low budget horror flicks you’re going to hate it. If you are a fan of mega low budget horror movies and are willing to just go with it, give Ouija Shark a shot. I think you will be rewarded for your interest. Again, though, if you hate mega low budget horror flicks, avoid Ouija Shark and move on to something else. You will not be rewarded at all.
See Ouija Shark if you’re a fan of mega low budget horror flicks. See it, see it, see it. If you’re not, stay away. Stay far, far away.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: 8
Explosions: Not really.
Nudity?: None. There are some nice bikinis, though.
Doobage: A nice opening theme, a woman walking in the woods, a woman fucking around on her phone, towel hooey, swimming, a Ouija board, a house in the suburbs somewhere, girl talk, a cannonball, a nap, a weird dream, off screen food eating, multiple young women fucking around with a Ouija board, inadvertent boob touching, an explanation on how Ouija boards are supposed to work, a big fucking shark image, a young couple walking in the woods, cracker eating, momentary happiness in the middle of unrelenting terror, attempted use of a stick to fight off a ghost shark, a bloody hand, joint smoking, talk about breakfast, potential off screen sex, cops, a drunk cop, a female bartender with big boobs that knows the guys are looking down her shirt, a floating bloody hand, a paper bag filled with groceries, a badass leather coat, a sawed of shotgun, a guy in a druid outfit, medium hooey, shooting a gun at a ghost shark, cabin hooey, a spiritual battle, orange orbs, exploding Ouija board, a funny sushi joke, and an ending that is so goddamn bizarre.
Kim Richards?: It depends on how you want to take the young couple that gets eaten.
Gratuitous: Old World depictions of sea monsters and whatnot, a GOAT shirt, a Ouija board, a man washing his car with a hose, friends fucking around in the pool montage while rocking music plays on the soundtrack, Marco Polo, grilling food, a car washing montage with fucking around, an inability to pronounce “Ouija,” a young couple on a date, people talking about the whole “you have to wait an hour to go swimming after eating” thing, a guy not knowing what “debunked” means, a ghost shark, internet research about a shark being a spirit animal, Tarot cards, a cop pissing on the stairs, a guy in a druid outfit, a “mystic shield,” a “Make America Great Again” hat, a rotary phone, and a Ouija Shark song.
Best lines: “Screw it. Time waits for no man,” “Guys, is that you?,” “Those were the worst directions ever! Oh, whatever,” “She said she wants to get wet as soon as possible,” “Wine coolers?,” “Guys! Burgers are ready!,” “I don’t think it wants to answer your stupid question,” “It looks like this board has a one track mind,” “Dreams can be a doorway to the unconscious mind. I’ve told you that before,” “In my dream there was… a shark,” “You wanted to ask me what the hell is that? What the hell is that?,” “Oh my God is that a shark? Or a ghost?,” “Oh, thank God, it’s going after him first!,” “That’s something you don’t see every day,” “Here sharky sharky sharky! This is some good shit,” “So no breaky?,” “Why would anyone want to summon a shark?,” “God dangit!,” “What the hell is that no good hillbilly brother-in-law of mine up to now?,” “What the hell is going on around here?,” “Ghost sharks? Who ever thought that was a thing?,” “Just get up and run! Get up and run!,” “I can’t believe this is happening,” “You can save the dramatics for the rubes. I just need to know if there’s a way to help my daughter,” “Momma told me there would be days like this,” “You got a permit for that gun?,” “Oh no! I’m dead!,” “I’ve got to use my occult training!,” “Fuck you, fish face!,” and “This is for my Dad you aquatic douchebag!”
