Stew’s Buffy The Vampire Slayer Retrospective: Season 4, Episodes 7 – 8

Ask Your Doctor If Viagra Is Right For You: A BTVS Retrospective, S4 E7-8

FOR PREVIOUS BUFFY REVIEWS, CLICK HERE!

Episode 7

Image Credit: 20th Century Fox TV

We kick off episode seven in the UC Sunnydale cafeteria with Riley and his friends, one of whom looks slightly like–and sounds EXACTLY like–Shelton Benjamin. So that’s his name from me. They have a vanilla white guy friend, too. They spy Buffy from afar having comic misadventures trying to get frozen yogurt and a drink. Shelton thinks she is hot–a real Gold Standard, if you will–but Riley thinks she is too flighty. He calls her “peculiar” for the first time this episode. It becomes a thing.

We move on to Spike waking up on a floor, and as we pan up, we see he is locked in a glass Magneto cage. He touches the door, and it electrocutes him. He is in a long hallway full of other caged monsters.

Aw, Seth Green is no longer on the credits, having now been replaced by James Marsters. That’s a lateral move AT BEST.

Xander and [what I’m going to start calling] Drunk Season Four Giles are sketching Buffy’s description of Army Guy. Drunk Season Four Giles just passes the buck and basically says “Well, it’s humans. Nothing to research here”. Buffy shows up, brushes them off, and says she is skipping patrol to take Willow to a party.

BACK to Spike already. The ceiling of his room drops in a blood bag, but before he can drink it, his neighbor–the guy from episode one!–warns him that it is drugged.

Buffy is in her heretofore-unseen Medieval Literature class… no, I’m clearly lying. She is in Psychology, of course. Willow tries to get Professor Walsh to believe Oz will come back to class after she did not call his name on role call–

Wait.

A college class with a role call?

I can’t… I can not describe the face I am making at this.

Anyway, Professor Walsh tells Willow to piss off, so Buffy gives her lip! For teaching a class on human behavior, she sure could learn some, Buffy says!

Burn.

Riley calls her peculiar again.

Xander and Drunk Season Four Giles are preparing to go on patrol since Buffy is bailing. Xander has a bunch of army stuff he “requisitioned” based on his Halloween Night as a military man.

I don’t know what requisitioned means. But is it something Xander can do in his civilian life in his parents’ basement?

Drunk Season Four Giles asks Xander’s parents for raspberry fruit juice. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM?!

Riley and one half of the World’s Greatest Tag Team ask Parker about Buffy. He goes into length at how insatiable she is in bed, which… is this relevant to the show, Joss? He then calls her clingy, so Riley fucking DECKS him. The lightbulbs clicks and he realizes he has a crush on Buffy. Shelton and the guy I guess I’ll call Haas tease him; they already knew.

Back in Magneto Jail, Spike is playing possum so the docs will open his door. He, of course, attacks them and escapes.

FORESHADOWING: Willow is sitting alone in her dorm room and the door knocks, so she calls out “COME IN”.

You know better, girl. Come on.

Anyway, it’s just Riley, fishing for info on how to get with Buffy. He says, “I’ve never courted anyone like Buffy before”. You know, like how college kids in 2000 talked. Good to know this is written by the same person as the one who had Buffy be a Buster Keaton fan and had Owen give her his pocket watch. I can’t wait for their next episode where Buffy will ride on one of those bicycles with the gigantic front wheel.

Willow tells him that Buffy likes cheese, which is shit advice because what kind of monster doesn’t? She tells him they will be at the party later. Wait, that hasn’t happened yet? This is a long day full of nothing happening.

Spike shows up at Harmony’s lair, and she slaps him, but he jumps her and we fade to sex. I MEAN BLACK! Black is what we fade to.

At the party, Riley tries to talk to Buffy, but he stumbles. He starts boringly talking about Psych homework, then offers her cheese. It’s not going well!

Xander comes across Harmony burning all of Spike’s belongings. So I guess the sex was bad? They square up, with Xander saying he has been learning to fight and Harmony bringing up her vampire powers. And then… they have a slow-motion slap fight.

Sigh. This show.

They eventually truce while pulling each other’s hair. She lets him know Spike is out there and obsessed with Buffy.

We go back to the party, and I MARK OUT because they are playing “Never Say Never” by the band That Dog. I loved that song when this episode came out. Then they change it to something else because this show despises my happiness.

Xander interrupts Buffy and Riley to get her to come hunt Spike. Riley and Hass & Benjamin go to a secret panel door and take the elevator down to an underground base. They are the Army Guy[s]! And Professor Walsh is there… general or something? I don’t know how secret armies work.

Xander gives Buffy a flare gun from his supplies, and this is a brand new wrinkle. He might as well say, “Here, the script says you will need this later”.

Now that the audience knows their secret identities, Riley & Co. are stalking about without their masks. It’s so nice that these characters are behaving in such a way as to be maximum convenient for people watching them on a show! They, too, are on the hunt for Spike, and they see Buffy sitting on a bench all alone.

Riley takes off his gear and walks up to her. They both want the other to leave so they can stay and catch Spike, but of course, neither of them says that. It’s whacky hijinx! Ultimately, they hear a woman scream and each run off separately.

Who screamed? Why? WE NEVER FIND OUT.

But we do cut to Willow in her dorm. Knock knock. “COME IN”. But this time it’s Spike, IDIOT. She honestly deserves to die now. Spike turns up her emo music and strikes!

After the commercial, we get arguably the stupidest and most ludicrous scene in the history of the entire series to this point, and THAT is saying something! Spike is sitting dejectedly at the end of Willow’s bed, and we quickly discern he was somehow incapable of feeding on her. What follows is a SEVERAL MINUTE LONG SCENE of the two treating his inability to kill her as a failed erection. Willow even blames herself, and Spike has to reassure her he finds her quite bite-able.

In a better, more fair world, someone would have come along and punched me in the carotid artery instead of making me watch this scene. And the worst part is, I can just imagine the writer who came up with this being SO PROUD of themselves. Like they just discovered double entendre dick jokes. The fucking Christopher Columbus of flaccid penis humor, right there.

Willow does eventually get to the door, but Team Angle (Team Riley?) is there. They just about shoot HER, until she pushes them out of the way, and hold on…

We have proof from THIS VERY EPISODE that Riley knows this is Willow and Buffy’s room.

Why would they aim their guns at Willow?

The episode then turns into the very best kind of chaos as we get a multi-layered fight scene that makes for some weird bedfellows. And just think, we could have had more of this if we hadn’t wasted so much time on Spike Can’t Get It Up.

Spike tries to fight through Team Riley! Willow just wants to get to safety! Riley’s boys are trying to capture them both! Buffy shows up to help Willow, allowing Spike to run off! The lights go out, a fire extinguisher explodes; Team Riley can’t see it is Buffy they are fighting! Buffy uses her flare gun and chases the [presumably] highly trained military team away!

More of this, please!

The defeated Team Riley reports their failure to catch Spike to Walsh. They think the person who came in at the end is an accomplice to Spike. They report the implant in Spike is successful, as he can’t hurt people anymore, though.

Buffy and Riley talk the next day, and she calls him peculiar. Nice touch, I guess.

Episode 8

Image Credit: 20th Century Fox TV

Now that we know everyone is peculiar, we move onto episode eight, where Buffy starts off by killing a vampire… while Angel skulks around in the background. Well THAT didn’t take long.

Everyone is gathered for a groundbreaking ceremony for a new Anthropology department or something? The kind of thing that, like five people would attend in real life, but for this show, it’s a packed event! Anya is super hot for Xander in his 1-out-of-50 Construction Worker variant outfit. Buffy is wearing a cowboy hat and no one mentions it and I hate that! We find out it is almost Thanksgiving, and Willow is a Thanksgiving Truther about how we massacred the natives and made up stories about peace and happiness to sell a holiday.

During the dig, Xander falls into a hole, accidentally uncovering an ancient lost mission.

Buffy and Willow are discussing Thanksgiving. Buffy really wants to celebrate and have a big dinner; Willow does not want to be a part of thinking of the holiday as a good thing. Buffy whines hardest and wins.

We see a homeless and dejected Spike moving throughout the city and trying to find sanctuary. Meanwhile, Team Riley is on his tail.

Anya arrives at Xander’s to make him go to work so she can get hot and bothered watching him dig holes, but Xander has fallen ill! She vows to stay and take care of him, and he absent-mindedly calls her his girlfriend. This is going to end super poorly for him at some point, right? He’s a soulless, self-important asshole, and she–who hates all men but him and has spent centuries torturing them–is pinning all of her hope and love to his finding a heart.

At Ye Olde Lost Mission, some green smoke escapes up out of the hole Xander left. It follows the Anthropology professor, then turns into a Native American, takes a knife she has, and kills her.

OH GOOD. An Indiginous American murder ghost at Thanksgiving! I’m sure this will be handled with the utmost of sensitivity!

At DS4 Giles’ home, Buffy and the former librarian are working on Thanksgiving dinner, which is just fucking BEWILDERING him, like he’s never meal prepped before. They have heard about the murder and realize the tribe in their region was known as the Chumash. Buffy just… leaves after looking like she smelled a fart. Angel pops out and talks to DS4 Giles; the former is here because a prophecy says Buffy is in danger.

Isn’t she in danger most episodes? Was BUFFY in danger, or was Sweeps Month in danger?

Angel tells DS4 Giles that it sucks being on the outside, looking in at what you can’t have…

…and we cut to Spike watching some other vamps through a window as they feed on someone.

Buffy and Willow are out, still debating the true meaning of Thanksgiving, when they encounter Riley. Willow sneaks off to give them space. Angel grabs her and lets her know he is around to keep Buffy safe from a vision. He gets distracted by Riley, though, and asks who he is. Over there, Buff and Rile are sharing Thanksgiving plans. It turns out Riley is from Iowa!

False.

No one is actually from Iowa. Iowa is just what you drive through to get to other places where people are.

Buffy goes to a church to find a Father Gabriel for more info on Ye Olde Lost Mission, but the Chumash guy is there killing Gabriel already! They start to fight, and he tells Buffy he is a vengeance spirit seeking revenge for the slaughter of his people, and this gives Buffy pause, allowing him to EXPLODE INTO LIKE 50 CROWS AND FLY AWAY.

Ahh, there’s that sensitivity I was expecting.

Back at DS4 Giles’, he notes that it common for “Indians” to turn into animals! And not, like, “Indian” spirits. Just… “Indians”. Does he think all Native Americans were friggin’ Animorphs? That’s racist.

Anyway, Buffy corrects him on his use of the word “Indians”.

Willow shows up with a ton of books on the Chumash, and she notes they were a peaceful people until the Europeans came along. Willow and DS4 Giles have an impassioned disagreement over whether this spirit is a “good guy” or a “bad guy”. Anya brings Xander over, and he is getting more and more sick. Buffy keeps interrupting everyone to talk about food prep because I think this episode assumes that is hilarious… or that it will deflate the real world tension of the arguments the characters are having.

Willow figures out the spirit cursed Xander with the diseases the white man spread to the Chumash: malaria, smallpox, and syphilis. Xander is most concerned about the syphilis, though Anya reassures him that isn’t the one that will kill him. Xander, alway so ready to immediately tip into full selfish mode, refers to the spirit as a Vengeance Demon and says those are evil, upsetting Anya. Willow and DS4 Giles continue to fight. Buffy again breaks it up to demand they focus on the cooking.

This scene STILL DOESN’T END as next, Spike shows up, begging for help. Willow vouches that he can’t hurt people anymore, but… she has no proof that is a permanent condition, right? The team is still skeptical, so he offers to trade info on the Army Guys.

Elsewhere, Chumash Spirit Guy summons a bunch of friends!

Willow, Xander, and Anya run off to warn the school’s dean because they figure he will be the next victim of the Chumash, and while they are out, they bump into Angel. Buffy, DS4 Giles, and a tied-up Spike continue working on Thanksgiving dinner. The Chumash strike! They see BUFFY as their next target, not the dean!

There is a full-on siege on DS4 Giles’ home, and I guess he doesn’t have neighbors or anything? Or maybe everyone on his street just saw a bunch of stereotypical Native Americans around his house and were like, “Man, that British guy is surprisingly into Thanksgiving re-enactments this year”.

While everyone else ducks and covers, the bound Spike gets littered with arrows (but none through the heart!). The others return, and as Willow and Anya smash one spirit repeatedly with shovels, Willow cries “Why won’t you die?!”. WHERE ARE YOUR LIBERAL TEARS NOW THAT YOU ARE IN THE FACE OF DANGER, WILLOW?

The head Chumash guy turns into a bear, giving us some TRULY woeful editing and effects here, but just briefly before Buffy stabs him with the knife he stole from the Anthropology department. That’s what it takes to kill him. From outside, Angel sees Buffy is all right and heads back to L.A.

The Scoobies finally have dinner, with Willow lamenting her easy turn to violence when being progressive was no longer convenient for her sheltered and privileged life. Nice of Tomi Lahren to do some script punch-ups on this one. Xander accidentally lets slip that Angel was there, and we cut to credits.

******************

Ah, there it is.

After the first six episodes, I was wondering why everyone seems to hate this season so much, but now I see. These episodes were AWFUL. The Thanksgiving one in particular is legitimately in the running for Worst Of The Series so far. It had:

-Ham-fisted social commentary without the subtlety of a massive heart attack.

-Buffy’s weird food obsession.

-Angel being around for NO reason whatsoever because Buffy is in peril EVERY episode.

-Cultural insensitivity while TRYING to be progressive.

It was just a god damn mess.

And then the Team Riley episode had that moronic and way-too-long impotency joke scene which at no point whatsoever felt like things the two people in that instance would ever actually say. It was a screenwriter trying to be cute, and it felt like it.

Rough, rough going here. Are we on the slope to hell from here out?