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The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week: R. Kelly

July 17, 2019 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
R. Kelly

The 411mania Dumpster Fire of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.


So how many people do you think are going to try to “storm Area 51,” despite the story being an obvious joke? Will several hundred thousand actually show up to do it, or will it be one of those “goofy media stories” that end with, maybe, one hundred people showing up, mostly to see if anyone else would actually show up for the “event?”

I seriously doubt anything will actually happen. Again, the whole thing is a joke on the internets. But then there are people on the internets who do take shit like this “storm Area 51” thing seriously and will actually try to gather up people to infiltrate the secret military base in Nevada to “see them aliens.” And since flash mobs happen all of the time and political protestors and whatnot can get motivated people to show up for marches and protests fairly quickly, why couldn’t it happen?

I think it could happen. I think there are just enough people in this world who could, if motivated enough, organize something. Will it take place on September 20th, or, perhaps, some other date? Maybe. Again, all it will take is motivation and a real need among a large group of people to do something incredibly dumb to then actually do something incredibly dumb.

And, yes, “Storming area 51” would be dumb as fuck. There are no aliens there. Experimental aircraft? Probably. But aliens? Only in the movies.

So, who wants to do this, even if it’s a joke? Anyone?

And now onto this week’s Dumpster Fire of the Week.



This week, the 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week goes to singer and now thoroughly disgraced celebrity R Kelly, for his recent arrest on federal charges regarding kidnapping young girls, forced labor, and sexual assault/rape. Kelly, who is also facing state charges in Illinois for basically the same horrible crimes, apparently recruited young girls at concerts “and other venues” with the help of various assistants so he could then rape them, control them, and force them to call him “Daddy.” Kelly also, according to the federal indictment, failed to disclose to his victims that he had a sexually transmitted disease, and produced child pornography by having his victims send him nude photos. Kelly, through his lawyers, has denied all of the charges and wants everyone to believe that it’s all a big scam against him. Kelly will, in the end, be totally and completely vindicated.

Does anyone really believe that anymore? Anyone?

Well, yeah, probably. There are likely still people out there who support Kelly, who think that he’s being framed or it’s all just a big misunderstanding and that, in the end, Kelly will somehow triumph. Hell, he’s managed to maintain some semblance of positive celebrity for years now despite similar allegations, so why not think he’ll get through this? Just think positively, and it will all work out. It will all blow over.

I think those people, and Kelly himself, are fucking delusional. I don’t think any of this is going away. I don’t think any of this is a mistake, a frame job, a nefarious conspiracy to take down a celebrity. As this article shows, the alleged evidence against Kelly is now overwhelming, and the federal government wouldn’t get involved unless it thought “it has the goods” on the singer. What are the odds, at this point in time, that this is all a mistake?

It isn’t a mistake. Kelly is fucked, and it’s his own fault. He, along with his enablers (and conspirators because, again, Kelly apparently had a team of people helping him obtain his victims) are all going down. Now, it’s only a matter of time before Kelly’s destruction falls into place. Either he will take a plea of some sort and go directly to prison for God knows how long, or he will go through a lengthy trial, be found guilty as hell, and go to prison for even longer. Either way, yeah, R Kelly is super fucked, and he deserves whatever nasty shit that happens to him.

And think about this. If Kelly didn’t do anything wrong, why the hell did he, along with an associate named Derrel McDavid, pay off one of Kelly’s victims to “return several explicit videos?” Why would Kelly need to pay off anyone if he did nothing wrong?

R Kelly is finished. Done. And, again, he deserves it. All of it.


And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

Alex Acosta, the now former Secretary of Labor, for that horrendous press conference where he attempted to explain the whole “Jeffrey Epstein case” thing. Jesus Christ, what the hell was that? Did Acosta’s aides, or anyone in the Trump administration, actually go over what Acosta was going to say? How did any of that get pre-approval? Who the fuck thought any of that was a good idea?

-Democratic Congresspeople Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, for whatever the fuck it is they’re doing right now, attacking one another and whatnot. Yes, it’s always important to hash out whatever differences there may be among people inside of a political party, but this is just ridiculous. And why is it ridiculous? Because they’re Democrats, and this isn’t going to end with them uniting in the end to face off against a common enemy. Instead, this divide will remain, and the Democrats will lose whatever ground they may have gained because they simply can’t get along. And it’s only going to get worse from here on out. Fucking morons.

Sebastian Gorka, for claiming that the U.S. Women’s soccer team wants to end America and “Judeo-Christian civilization. What? Since when? I’m pretty sure that if anyone on the team said anything remotely close to that it would be front page news everywhere, even in the “liberal” media. None of that happened, though, did it? Of course not. A player did swear a bunch of times on Instagram and said some ridiculous, boastful nonsense, but does any of that make someone an advocate for the end of America and Western Civilization?

The world has lost its fucking mind, hasn’t it?

Twitter, for banning the Soska Sisters for promoting their new movie Rabid. Apparently the image that the sisters posted was too violent or gross or whatever the fuck and “violated Twitter’s rules,” which is just so much nonsense. Hopefully, this is just a “mistake” and the sisters will be back soon enough on Twitter. At the same time, this incident is good advertising for their remake of David Cronenberg’s Rabid., so I guess that’s a positive way to look at this. Still, violating Twitter’s rules? Bullshit.

-Guitar God, hard rock legend, and Dumpster Fire Hall of Famer Ted Nugent, for for his recent claim that “some states don’t even qualify as America anymore.” Yes, while appearing on Laura Ingraham’s podcast, Uncle Ted claimed that California, Oregon, Washington, Michigan, Illinois, New Jersey, Maryland, Massachusetts, “politically,” are no longer America (they’re, I guess, now all a “suburb of San Francisco,” like Michigan). What the hell happened to “I’m not going to engage in hateful rhetoric anymore”?

And why the fuck didn’t Ingraham tell Nugent to “shut up and sing?” He was right there on her show!


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