Movies & TV / Columns
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Snake Eater III… His Law
Image Credit: Paramount Home Entertainment
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #612: Snake Eater III… His Law
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never met anyone named “Goose,” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number six hundred and twelve, I look at the third Snake Eater movie, Snake Eater III… His Law, which was apparently released in Canada in August, 1992, and then in early October, 1992 in the United States.
Snake Eater III… His Law
Snake Eater III… His Law, also known as Snake Eater III: His Law and Snake Eater 3: His Law and directed by George Erschbamer, once again stars Lorenzo Lamas as former Marine Special Forces badass turned badass scumbum cop who always seems to be on suspension, Jack “Soldier” Kelly. In the midst of serving his latest suspension for using excessive deadly force in a diner robbery he foiled at the beginning of the movie, Kelly takes a job as a private investigator of sorts, hired by a distraught mother and father (Marge and George Molison, as played by Una Kay and Gordon Atkinson) who want Kelly to track down and destroy the motorcycle gang the Hell’s Furies. The Hell’s Furies apparently kidnapped and sexually assaulted their daughter Vivian (Tracy Hway), traumatizing her beyond belief (Vivian constantly tries to offer herself sexually to any man that she meets as a result of what she went through with the Furies). Vivian had been a graduate student doing some sort of big anthropological study that involved motorcycle gangs and had been studying the Hell’s Furies before the gang kidnapped her. At first, Kelly isn’t interested in taking the job as he isn’t a paid assassin, but he eventually decides to look into what happened to Vivian after meeting Vivian and then seeing how upset Vivian’s parents were. Kelly will need to get a private investigator’s license first.
So Kelly goes to a local bar to meet up with a private investigator friend known as Cowboy (Minor Mustain) to get a license (or to use his license, I’m not entirely sure how all of that is meant to work out), gets into a big brawl with some belligerent hicks (there’s a whole part in this fight that involves stretching a condom over a guy’s head), and then goes to see his wealthy girlfriend Hildy (Tracy Cook) and then tries to get some information from a cop buddy about Vivian’s case. While in the station Kelly gets a call that Vivian is missing. Where the hell did Vivian go? So Kelly goes looking for Vivian and finds her in the back of a moving truck having sex with an old trucker guy. Kelly beats up the old guy, takes Vivian back to her parents, and decides to take the “destroying the Hell’s Furies” job. Before he really gets into it, though, Kelly goes to see Hildy again and they have sex.
The next day, Kelly begins his investigation into the Furies by going to a biker bar called the Dew Drop In so he can talk to a stripper named Fran (Holly Chester), which then leads to Kelly talking to Hell’s Furies biker Goose (pro wrestling legend Scott “Bam Bam” Bigelow). All Kelly wants to know is what, precisely, the Furies did to Vivian and why they did it. Fran didn’t really know, and Goose, being an asshole biker, refuses to divulge anything, at least at first. Kelly breaks out a sawed off shotgun, shoots Goose in the foot, and manages to get Goose to spill his guts. Basically, the Furies kidnapped Vivian and raped her repeatedly simply because they could.
So then some stuff happens, Kelly decides that he has to protect Fran because she led him to Goose and the Furies are probably going to want to hurt or kill her. Kelly takes Fran back to his apartment and introduces her to Hildy. Hildy becomes upset that Kelly has essentially brought his work home with him and involved her in a potentially dangerous situation. How is Hildy supposed to help keep Fran safe? So then some more stuff happens, Kelly goes back to Hildy’s apartment to make up and have off screen sex, and Goose manages to track down where Kelly lives and kills Fran with a double barrel shotgun.
After an argument with his cop boss Lt. Durkee (Walker Boone), Kelly enlists the help of Cowboy to go after Goose and then the rest of the Hell’s Furies biker gang. Kelly takes care of Goose (electrocutes the brute in his bathroom after Cowboy befriends him and shares a cooler full of beers), then gets into a street shootout with members of the Hell’s Furies (the Furies have had Kelly under surveillance for days). It’s at this point that Kelly gets a call and finds out that Vivian is once again missing, and Kelly suspects that she’s been kidnapped by the Furies. Kelly and Cowboy then hit the road, heading to a small town that’s near the Furies biker compound.
The rest of the Snake Eater III… His Law is a series of shootouts and action scenes, some taking place at a hotel motel Kelly and Cowboy stay at while checking out the small town, and then more taking place at the actual Furies compound, which is essentially a big building in the middle of a sandpit. Vivian is in the compound, under the spell of Hell Furies leader Turk (Chip Chuika). Righteous carnage ensues.
The one thing you’ll notice about Snake Eater III… His Law is that it’s more of an out and out action movie than the first two. There are more gun battles, hand-to-hand brawls, and explosions, and Lamas actually gets to engage in some martial arts action. In the previous two Snake Eater flicks Lamas would maybe do a chop or a kick at random times, but in Snake Eater III… His Law he’s a full on martial arts badass. If you look at Lamas’ career on his IMDB page you can see that at around the time Snake Eater III… His Law came out Lamas had appeared in four new action flicks (Night of the Warrior, Killing Streets, Final Impact, and The Swordsman) and had just started doing his syndicated TV show Renegade, so Lamas had finally started leaning into his burgeoning action star persona. And that’s a good thing. You can also tell that director Erschbamer is more comfortable and sure of himself doing the necessary action scenes. Snake Eater III… His Law was Erschbamer’s third movie as a director and, if you watch the three Snake Eater movies one after the other you can see his evolution as an action director. That’s a cool thing to see.
You’ll also notice that the humor in Snake Eater III… His Law is less weird. There are still several “what the hell is going on here?” moments, but they feel more natural than the weird moments in the previous two movies. The opening diner robbery scene is weird as hell, especially with the way it ends (I defy anyone not to laugh out loud when Kelly shoots the robber in the head. And after you laugh out loud, ask yourself if you should be laughing at a scene where a guy gets shot in the head). Kelly’s first encounter with Vivian, where she drops her underwear at the sight of him, will likely make you take a step back for a second. The bar fight and the condom scene isn’t as weird as it could have been. The Goose character is perpetually weird because you’re not sure if you should be scared of him or laugh at him (and that happens even after he shoots poor Fran in the chest through the door). And then there’s the entire “hotel motel fire sequence” where Cowboy engages in a shootout with the Hell’s Furies while dressed only in a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and his underwear.
Snake Eater III… His Law also moves at brisker pace than the previous two movies. Kelly has a job to do and he wants to get it done. The movie’s evil biker gang villains are also a better threat than the drug dealers in Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster. I’m not entirely sure why Goose isn’t the main villain of the gang. It would have been so goddamn sweet to see Bam Bam Bigelow deliver some hard hitting pro wrestling moves up against the martial arts stylings of Lorenzo Lamas. Goose should have head butted someone! Maybe the producers could only afford Bigelow for a few days? The actual gang leader, Turk, played by Chip Chuipka, does an okay job but he isn’t much of a presence compared to the “Beast from the East” Bam Bam Bigelow. It’s one of the movie’s few shortcomings.
Now, I would love to know if the city Kelly is working in is meant to be the same city he worked in in Snake Eater and Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster. It doesn’t look or feel like the same city, but then the city we saw Kelly working in in The Drug Buster didn’t feel like the same city he worked in in the first Snake Eater. So what the heck is the continuity here? Is there supposed to be any continuity at all beyond having Lorenzo Lamas star in the movie as a guy named Jack “Soldier” Kelly? I think the world needs the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome or one of those other boutique home video labels to do a Snake Eater trilogy boxed set with a documentary and commentaries to give us the right information on this. Because, again, just what the heck is going on here? Is Kelly working in the same city in all three movies, or is he moving from city to city, working for a new police department with each move because of his multiple excessive force complaints and suspensions?
As I said before, Lamas really leans into his action star persona here as Jack “Soldier” Kelly and he’s great at it. You totally believe him as a total badass martial artist and it’s fun to see him engage in multiple action moments. If the previous two Snake Eater movies had the same level of action as Snake Eater III… His Law I’d suspect that the Snake Eater movies would be a bigger deal pop culture wise right now. It’s also kind of amazing to think that Lamas churned out more low budget action flicks in the next several years while also doing Renegade. If only we had action stars like that working today.
Minor Mustain does a nice job as Cowboy, the badass private investigator that Kelly teams up with to take on the Hell’s Furies. Is the Cowboy character a bit ridiculous? A tad, yes. His only name is Cowboy. Not The Cowboy. He’s just Cowboy. But Mustain can hold his own in the action department next to Lamas and he feels like a partner as opposed to a sidekick. That’s always cool to see.
Tracy Cook does a good job as Hildy, Kelly’s girlfriend. She doesn’t have much to do action wise, but Hildy does help ground Kelly and gives him someone else to interact with beyond Cowboy. Cook also has good chemistry with Lamas, which makes their sex scene watchable (if they’re just “going through the motions” it doesn’t come off like that). Tracy Hway manages to make the disturbed and traumatized Vivian seem like a real person as opposed to just a plot point. And Holly Chester does a great job as Fran, the dancer that ends up turning on her sort of boyfriend Goose and helps Kelly, only to be gunned down by Goose. The movie could have used more of Fran in it.
And Scott “Bam Bam” Bigelow is a riot as Goose the biker. Bigelow fills up the screen and is perpetually interesting, which, again, makes it a shame that his Goose character wasn’t the leader of the Hell’s Furies. It’s also a shame that this movie didn’t lead to steadier movie work for the pro wrestling legend. Bigelow did appear in the occasional movie after Snake Eater III… His Law (the Damon Wayans comedy Major Payne is probably Bigelow’s next most prominent movie role. That and maybe Ready to Rumble?) but he didn’t appear often enough for me.
Snake Eater III… His Law is easily the best of the three Snake Eater movies, and it’s something that you should absolutely seek out if you’re a fan of low budget action flicks from the early 1990’s or a Lorenzo Lamas completist. I loved Snake Eater III… His Law. It’s what all of the Snake Eater movies should have been.
See Snake Eater III… His Law. See it, see it, see it.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: At least 16
Explosions: Several, including one gigantic one.
Nudity?: Yes. Quite a bit, actually.
Doobage: A pretty cool motorcycle motif over the opening credits, a generic looking city somewhere, attempted diner robbery, key throwing, screaming, face slapping, an attempted robbery ruse, a big revolver, attempted coin flipping, bullet to the head, a lack of proper police procedure, TV news hooey, a potential job meeting, attempted underwear removal, a bar brawl, beer bottle to the head, a woman is thrown through a window, yuppie bullshit, attempted kick to the balls, multiple body slams, double knife to the feet, investigating, gross sex in the back of a moving van, a brief but brutal fight, a better sex scene, a strip club, naked dancing, biker bullshit, a brief fight, attempted vehicular assault, shotgun blast to the foot, wounded foot torture, constant biker surveillance, exploding door, a massive chest wound, mild homophobia, booby trap making, a toilet electrocution, public urination, a street brawl, ear shooting, a nasty stomach wound, a hotel motel, machine gun attack, Molotov cocktail attack, a gun battle, knife throwing, serious barfing, a compound assault, neck snap, booby trapping motorcycles with grenades, dead body carrying, multiple exploding motorcycles with man-on-fire flying through the air, snow plow hooey, Uzi attack, snow plow used as a battering ram, an empty revolver, bullet to the leg, gut stabbing, a brief hand-to-hand brawl, a hanging motorcycle, knife through the back of the neck, exploding building.
Kim Richards?: None.
Gratuitous: A guy claiming that he’s owed change, Lorenzo Lamas once again playing a guy named Jack “Soldier” Kelly, Interstate Patrol Police (whatever the hell that is), a guy on TV complaining about almost choking on a hamburger, a motorcycle gang known as the Hell’s Furies, “raging case of gonorrhea and herpes,” a guy named Cowboy, yuppies in a hick bar, a yuppie named Barrett, ketchup and beer, guy getting a condom stretched over his head, a guy named Boog, Lorenzo Lamas talking about sexy underwear, Lorenzo Lamas driving a Jeep, a bag of ribs, zippers, a strip club called the Dew Drop In, Scott “Bam Bam” Bigelow playing a badass biker named Goose, Bam Bam Bigelow pissing outdoors, Lorenzo Lamas using a sawed off shotgun, a portable biker phone, mid-morning off screen sex, Lorenzo Lamas booby trapping a toilet, Bam Bam Bigelow cussing up a storm, Bam Bam Bigelow holding a crushed beer can in between his toes, Pizza Hut pizza, serious off screen beer drinking, a biker named Frog, grown men hanging out together in a hotel room in their underwear, a loud TV in the next room, getting dressed in the middle of a gun attack, Lorenzo Lamas using grenades, Lorenzo Lamas accepting a bag of tomatoes as payment.
Best lines: “Nobody move! Or I blow her brains away!” “What is this, Sesame Street for Christ’s sake?” “I’ve got a newsflash for you, soldier boy, this woman is serious about destroying you!” “We’re looking for assistance from someone with your qualifications. The good ones or the bad ones? In this case I think we would want both.” “I’m not sure what’s going on here. Am I supposed to ignore that or are you going to tell me about it?” “From your past exploits it doesn’t seem to concern you whether you bring them in dead or alive. Personally, I prefer dead. It’s up to them if they want to die.” “You pig! Ooh, was that an insult?” “Glen, you got a rubber?” “You wouldn’t hit a girl, would ya?” Petey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re such a dumb piece of shit!” “Ah, give me a break, who wears body armor to a bar?” “Hey, what do you say I cook dinner tonight? At my place?” “Would you mind putting your underwear on first? You’re not exactly my type.” “Don’t you want to fuck me?” “I could have taken a shit in the time it took you to get here.” “Hey, you got something cold in a bottle?” “Five bucks for a beer? Entertainment charge. How ignorant of me.” “Hey! Goose! Did you get that name by sticking your thumb up your ass or someone else’s?” “The only thing you’re gonna do is fuck off and die!” “Hey, Kelly, you got some kind of death wish?” “Goose, I don’t think I can stand here and watch you take a piss.” “That’s Mr. Cocksucker to you!” “My bike! What are you, fucking crazy? You’re dead meat!” “So what really happened to Goose? I ran over his motorcycle. And I shot him in the foot.” “Cock sucker!” “Kelly, you are so naughty.” “On second thought, baby, I don’t feel like talking anymore.” “Sorry, Fran you never had a chance.” “Hey, Soldier, don’t let me catch you and Roy Rogers playing Sherlock Holmes on this case!” “Durkee, do you have a problem with Roy Rogers?” “More than one way to cook a goose.” “You mean to tell me you found two bikers dead on my sidewalk? The sidewalk in front of my building?” “Hey, don’t fuck with me, man, I’m in no mood.” “It makes me proud to be a cop.” “Try to relax, Cowboy. You know, think of something that will calm you. Like, uh, kicking the shit out of Hulk Hogan. Who the hell is Hulk Hogan?” “Must be a couple of crispy motherfuckers right now!” “That place looks harder to crack than the Alamo.” “I got me an idea. What are you going to do, use a rocket launcher?” “Bad day to go hunting.” “We got problems. Dynamite. It’s gonna blow.” “Mr. Kelly, I’m… I’m sorry that you hurt your arm. You should have seen the other guy.”
Rating: 9.0/10.0
**
Snake Eater Franchise Ranking
Snake Eater III… His Law
Snake Eater
Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster
I am not including the fourth movie in the franchise, Hawk’s Vengeance, as I haven’t seen it and it’s considered more of a spin-off than an actual sequel. If and when I ever do see Hawk’s Vengeance I will redo this ranking.
The great Gary Daniels stars in Hawk’s Vengeance. It looks pretty cool. Anyone out there see this?
**
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column The Facebook Page!
Please check out and “like” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which is here.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!
**
And don’t forget to check out From the B-Movie Vault!
Issue #1: Phantasm and Phantasm II
Issue #2: Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead and Phantasm IV: Oblivion
Issue #3: Phantasm: Ravager and John Dies at the End
Issue #5: Scanners II: The New Order and Scanners III: The Takeover
Issue #6: Scanner Cop and Scanner Cop II
Issue #7: John Wick and John Wick: Chapter 2
Issue #8: Silent Night, Deadly Night and Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2
Next Issue: Johnny Z
**
Check out my Widow’s Point set visit!
**
**
Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.
B-movies rule. Always remember that.
Snake Eater III… His Law
Lorenzo Lamas– Jack “Soldier” Kelly
Minor Mustain– Cowboy
Tracy Cook– Hildy Gardener
Scott “Bam Bam” Bigelow– Goose
Holly Chester– Fran
Tracy Hway– Vivian Molison
Una Kay– Marge Molison
Gordon Atkinson– George Molison
Walker Boone– Lt. Durkee
Chip Chuipka– Turk
(check out the rest of the cast here)
Directed by George Erschbamer
Screenplay by John Dunning, based on the novel Rafferty’s Rules by W. Glenn Duncan
Distributed by Cinepix/Famous Players Distribution, Moviestore Entertainment, Paramount Home Video, and Lions Gate Films Home Entertainment
Rated R for strong violence, language, and nudity/sexuality
Runtime– 91 minutes
Buy it here
