411Mania’s Squared Circle News Report 03.14.09

Welcome back into the Squared Circle, as always I’m your host Dustin James and I have had a very interesting week. I finally managed to get an iPhone so I’m still trying to figure out how this damn thing works. The fact that I can’t figure out how to download a ringtone is aggravating. I’m sure it’s easy to figure out, but I’m stupid when it comes to cell phones so back off guy! In other news I finally got a chance to play Smackdown vs. RAW 2009. It’s really not a bad game at all. I was even enjoying the “Road to Wrestlemania” mode as The Undertaker until I turned Santino Marella into a FREAKING ZOMBIE! If I’m lying I’m dying. The storylines on this game are better than anything we have seen on WWE television in years. I mean, c’mon….Santino Marella as a zombie and The Boogeyman as “The Man” out to ruin The Undertaker. I LOVE IT~!

Either way, I would like to apologize in advance for the short article this week. It just so happens that I have to write this thing on the same day that Resident Evil 5 comes out so I better hurry with this sucker so I can go kill some damn zombies! FTW!

LET’S GET IT ON………

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Biggest News Of The Week:

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JBL To Retire….AGAIN?

Is JBL calling it quits again?

The Wrestling Observer is reporting that John “Bradshaw” Layfield is once again contemplating retirement due to ongoing back problems, the same back problems that forced him to retire back in 2006. JBL’s retirement could come as early as Wrestlemania. JBL has been claiming that he plans on doing something historical that would shock the world at Wrestlemania and that could mean an angle where he retires as a champion, something that has only been done once in WWE history (Trish Stratus back in 2006). Right now the WWE has a match scheduled between JBL/Vladimir Kozlov vs. Undertaker/Shawn Michaels for the RAW show on March 16 and this could lead to an angle where Kozlov and JBL get into a dispute that leads to a JBL face turn as well as a Wrestlemania match with Kozlov. Because let’s face it, what’s a better place besides New York for JBL to retire? That’s right…..Texas!

If JBL does decide to retire and leave the WWE, he has a lot of options. He could take a job with his wife’s financial firm or spend time working with his own company, Layfield Energy (which is now the official sponsor of Ohio Valley Wrestling). If he decides to stick with wrestling, I’m sure none of us would complain if he was to jump behind the announcer’s table because let’s face it, it’s not like the WWE has a ridiculous amount of good announcers and JBL was great at it. Either way, if he does decide to call it a career he can go out knowing that he had a great run in the WWE. Hell, at one time the man was known as “Blackjack Bradshaw” and he eventually wound up as the WWE Champion. Dreams can come true….unless your name is Barry Windham.

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Koko B. Ware To Be Inducted Into WWE Hall of Fame

The Hall of Fame just got a little more glamorous….

Yes, the rumors are indeed true. The WWE has decided to induct former WWE Intercon..errr….former WWE tag team cham……errrr…..the dude who came down to the ring with the parrot! Yes, the WWE has finally decided to induct Koko B. Ware into the Hall of Fame ending the YEARS of constant begging from wrestling fans all over. I for one don’t understand what all the hatred is about. People seem to insist that with the induction of Koko the WWE’s hall of fame becomes “less significant”. Really??? I mean, c’mon. Pete Rose is in the freakin hall for crying out loud. You want to know why the WWE’s hall of fame isn’t significant? Because a guy like Randy Savage is sitting at home without a hall of fame induction while William “Refrigerator” Perry probably already ate his award. By the way, I’m not one to start rumors….but next year’s Wrestlemania is in Phoenix and everyone knows who lives in Phoenix:

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Hulk Hogan Officially NOT Wrestling at Wrestlemania

If you see this man, hand him a $5….you will feel better

According to The Wrestling Observer, Hulk Hogan is asking for $300,000 from the Bollea family frozen assets due to the fact that he will be unable to work for an extended period of time due to recent back surgery. This means the chances of Hogan wrestling at Wrestlemania have decreased significantly. Not only that, but it looks like Hogan has lost his gig on “American Gladiators” due to the fact that the show has yet to be renewed by NBC. The show still has hope on cable if NBC finally decides to axe it, but let’s be honest….the show is nowhere near as good as it once was outside of “Crush” (Gina Carano). It sure has been one hell of a ride for Hogan over these last few months. I’m still kind of hoping we get a Hogan appearance at Wrestlemania 25 because it’s WRESTLEMANIA 25! We need us some Hogan!

In related news, the court documents filed by Hogan showed that he had $410,985.84 in his bank account at the time the documents were filed. Why do you need to know this? Because you know you like knowing how much money everyone else has. It’s the American way!

UPDATE! Right before I sent this report in I found out that Hogan has reportedly been given the OK to withdraw $225,000 from the couple’s frozen assets.

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Remember This Guy???

In this feature I will profile a WWE or WCW gimmick of the 1980’s and 1990’s that didn’t last very long.

Isaac Yankem DDS

I have been a WWE fan for over 20 years and I have seen some horrible gimmicks come and go but I’m pretty sure Isaac Yankem could count as the WORST possible gimmick idea ever. Tell me why and how an evil dentist would equal to television ratings and PPV buyrates? Do people hate dentists so much that they are willing to pay money to see Bret Hart wrestle one at Summerslam? Maybe it’s just me, but the guy who helps provide me with good hygiene and great teeth is someone I should appreciate and not hate. Talk about your ultimate backfires. Yankem lasted a few months in the WWE before he took off and we never saw him again……poor fella. Let’s hope the guy who portrayed Yankem is doing good right now. It could be worse. He could be a big red retarded burnt victim who killed his girlfriend in a traffic accident and was fathered by this man:

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Random News Bits:

– Lita has reportedly told everyone via her Myspace that she will NOT be at Wrestlemania 25 this year. Bummer deal for fans of Lita….which isn’t me!

– Speaking of former WWE diva’s, Victoria recently had a little message for JR who recently mentioned that she may be a little too old to start a new career in MMA:

“In all seriousness, JR is good people. He is who you see on TV. He says what he means and he means what he says. There should be more people like him in the industry. And yes, I am getting a late start on this. Had I started this ten years ago, I could be a dominant force in women’s MMA. But I am comfortable in the choices I have made so far, and I may have missed some opportunities, but I wouldn’t give up my time with WWE for that. And finally, getting a late start doesn’t mean that I have missed the boat altogether. I am in the best shape of y life, and I make progress every day.”

– Marty Wright has been trying to get indie bookings as “The Boogey Man”. The WWE does own trademarks for the character so look for Vince McMahon to slap Boogey with a lawsuit soon. If they don’t, color me with a surprise crayon.

– The woman who played Randy Orton’s wife on RAW this past Monday was actually not Orton’s real wife. Her name is Laura Croft and she is actually a former Playboy model who lives in the Jacksonville area (where the segment was actually taped) and explores tombs in her spare time.

– WWE released Kizarny, Ryan Braddock, and Kaleb O’Neal this week. Jimmy Wang Yang reportedly breathed a huge sigh of relief upon hearing this news.

– Danny Bonaduce is set to make his TNA debut at TNA Lockdown on April 19. Expect him to be TNA champion by May.

– Paperwork issues are currently holding up the TNA debut of Sarah “Dark Angel” Stock. The company is hoping they can get their issues resolved quickly as the company currently doesn’t have a top woman babyface.

– Here’s a quick update on the possible “legend” competitors in the 25 woman battle royal at Wrestlemania:

Sunny: Confirmed

Wendi Richter: Highly possible

Jackie Gayda: The company has asked her but she reportedly wasn’t too thrilled and wants to fly in and out the same day.

Mae Young: Hasn’t been asked yet but I for one hope she’s not in the match.

Debra: Not attending

Trish Stratus: Highly possible

– “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase has confirmed that he would be interested in wrestling one last match as long as he gets to team with his son. Consider me INTERESTED!

– Speaking of WWE legends, Jake “The Snake” Roberts recently posted the following on his MySpace (lol @ Jake having a MySpace page):

“I think Jericho has been given the largest push by the WWE (just short of Hogan), and he has yet to get over.”

It’s not known what kind of drugs Roberts was on at the time of this posting…..

– As of today, the leading candidate to land Wrestlemania 27 is Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis. Guess where I won’t be in March/April of 2011! If you said “Indiana” give yourself a pat on the back.

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Saturday Morning Story-Time:

In this section I will be taking a TRUE story that is wrestling related as well as related to myself and sharing it with you. These will be short stories, so have no fear!

Saturday Morning Story-Time is on hiatus this week as I prepare a huge Wrestlemania-related story for you. Make sure you tune into my future columns as I can GUARANTEE that my epic trip to Seattle for Wrestlemania 19 is one you will love. It’s filled with lots of drinking, lots of shouting, Brock Lesnar falling on his head, and a little bit of HHH “licking” Booker T’s ass. Yes…you read that last part right. Make sure you check out the column next week as I’m sure it’s one story you are going to love!

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Wrestlemania Top 10 Lists:

With Wrestlemania right around the corner, every Saturday I will present you with a special Wrestlemania-themed top 10 list. Trust me, it will be good times!

Top 10 Worst Celebrities That Have Attended Wrestlemania

(Wrestlemania is known for it’s celebrity involvement every year, but who are the WORST celebrities that have ever attended a Wrestlemania? I’m not talking about the actual performance the celebrity put on, but the actual celebrity involved. What was going on in the WWE’s head when they booked these losers?)

10) Sy Sperling

The President of the Hair Club for Men attended Wrestlemania 10 because his company had provided a hair piece for Howard Finkel. I swear….I’m not lying.

9) Tanya Ballinger & Kitana Baker

Remember the Miller Lite Catfight chicks who wrestled at Wrestlemania 19? Unfortunately, I do as well……

8) Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers is annoying and the fact that it seems like she doesn’t age scares me.

7) Kim Kardashian

I really have no clue as to how Kardashian got famous….but one thing is for sure, she doesn’t belong anywhere near a wrestling event.

6) Gennifer Flowers

She got famous because she screwed Bill Clinton, so why not have her attend Wrestlemania? She did get a chance to interview The Rock and I believe it’s the first time he used “If you smell what The Rock is cooking” as a catchphrase. Other than that….WHO CARES ABOUT HER???

5) Steve Allen

Sure the guy’s a legend, but towards the end of his life he was an outspoken member of the PTC and bashed the WWE all the time. Kind of hypocritical seeing as he was at Wrestlemania 4……

4) Rona Barrett

WHO? Apparently she was a businesswoman who did some interviewing at Wrestlemania 4………..

3) “Herb” from Burger King

You are much better off the less you know about this Burger King character who attended Wrestlemania 2.

2) Tara Conner

I’m not going to lie….when I first saw this name I thought it said “Sara” instead of “Tara” and I got a little excited. For a second there I thought perhaps John Conner’s mom made an appearance at Wrestlemania 23.

1) Chet Coppock

WHO?????? Exactly!

Let’s hope the WWE can book some mainstream celebrities to attend Wrestlemania this year and help make the WWE look hip again. Let’s face it, you know you all loved it when Jonathan Taylor Thomas was apart of Wrestlemania…..

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YouTube! Find Of The Week!

Holy crap, it’s Friar Ferguson!!!……..

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Your Turn:

Here’s a fun little idea. I have been accused of “ignoring” the comments left by the lovely readers here at 411, so I have decided to give you guys your turn…..

“Is it too much to ask to get an appearance from Doink The Clown”

Considering that anybody can throw on the costume for a night, probably not.

Posted By: Dr Insanity (Guest) on March 07, 2009 at 05:41 PM

Yes, anyone can throw on the Doink The Clown costume….but nobody can portray a bad ass evil clown as good as Matt F’N Borne.

“Chris Jericho’s band “Fozzy” will release their fourth album this summer. It will be called “Chasing the Grail”. Consider me not excited~!”

I consider you a twat, Fozzy are an extention of Stuck Mojo and Mojo fucking rock! which makes Fozzy kinda awesome.

Posted By: bbm (Guest) on March 07, 2009 at 11:53 AM

And I consider your taste in music to be horrendous. Hey, look at that…..a difference of opinion!

Your Oregon Wrestling Stories are really bad, unfunny and nothing seems to actually happen in them. Stop telling them.

Posted By: ButchReedMark (Guest) on March 07, 2009 at 07:14 AM

Sorry dad. You liked them when I told them at the dinner table…consider my heart broken!

“You need to be able to evolve in this business”

“This business” sounds like you are trying to say you’re part of the wrestling business? You’re not. You’re a slightly below average writer (lol I bet you call yourself a journalist) and have no conenction to the wrestling business other than being the type of fan who enjoys ruining the product for other people.

Posted By: Sigh (Guest) on March 08, 2009 at 07:51 AM

I have been in this position before. Something you read makes you mad so you feel you need to belittle the author. It happens. I have never called myself a wrestling journalist because I’M NOT one! I just happen to be a lonely 45 year old virgin with a passion for animal porn. Oh wait, maybe I’M a wrestling journalist…hmmmmmm!

1st time checking out your column and I gotta say I enjoy it more than your MMA one. I met Scott Norton last year at that failed Wrestling/MMA meet & greet in SF last year. I’m a short guy, but he made me look like an infant. If we were compare hands, mine looked like a tennis ball, his was a 15 pound bowling ball! Every time I see the pic I have to laugh (sob) to myself.

Posted By: Bruno (Guest) on March 08, 2009 at 01:16 AM

And now you know why I feared for my brother’s life when he came running down the entrance way like a damn freight train. Scary stuff!

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And that’s it for this week. I highly recommend coming over to my house at some point today so you can watch me dominate Resident Evil 5. It’s going to be a hell of a game! See you next Saturday back in the Squared Circle! Until then, you can find me on MySpace or Facebook! (PS: Please don’t come over to my house. That was only a joke!)