411’s WWE Confidential Report 12.21.02

BUT FIRST…
Hey there Velocity fans, this is your friendly neighborhood Velocity reporter, Patrick Brower. No this is not Velocity; this is Confidential. And it’s the start of a bold new era of Confidential Reporting. Allow me to introduce to you your NEW Confidential Reporter, W. DAL BUSH. Dal has filled in for me several times over on Velocity and I can think of no one better to write the words you are about to read. Prepare to be entertained. I will be. Take it away Mr. B!

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, GENE OKERLUND IS A LITTLE CREEPY
Thanks, Mr. B. In a show of respect for my roots, I will rip off Patrick’s Velocity formatting until I get a better idea. As you can see, by “respect” I mean either “laziness” or “plagiarism”. Take your pick!

Vince McMahon VS The Cant-Miss Wrestling Angle
Hurricane, Lance Storm, Eric Bischoff, Booker T, Scott Steiner, Billy Kidman and Ric Flair try to pretend that them nearly losing their jobs when Vince bought WCW was a GOOD thing in this recap of the WWF/WCW Monday Night Simulcast from the last Nitro. We are treated to first hand accounts by the aforementioned AOL/Time-Warner employees, as well as never before seen (by me, anyway) footage of the backstage area on WCW’s last telecast. The best line is when Bischoff says with a straight face “I was almost happy, in a way. In a weird way.” When I lose out of a major business deal to a man I’ve sworn to drive out of business, I’m also happy.

RAW RETRO:
-Could those kind words towards Vince & Co. have anything to do with Eric Bischoff being named the Raw General Manager? I wouldn’t have thought so either, but this segment from the 15July02 Raw has me confused. Help, Uncle Vince!
COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-TNN’s Slammin’ Saturday Night featuring Santa Foley, bringing flaming 2×4’s covered in barbwire to all the children of the world. Except necrophiliacs.
-SOCOM for PS2. “Ooh, Navy SEALs!”
-Gang Bangs of New York, starring Houston.
-Rygar hates Greek architecture. And milk.
-Local: Armanetti’s Fine Wines and Spirits.
-Local: Florida Travel. Add those together and we see that Chicago natives like to drink and go to Florida. Merry Christmas, Mom!
WWE REWIND:
-Crown Victoria beats Dodge Stratus to become Women’s Automotive Champion at Survivor Series ‘02

Victoria VS Lesbian Russian Schoolgirls
For the record, why has the WWE not introduced a lesbian Russian schoolgirl tag team on TV? Think of the publicity! In my pants! Moving on, Victoria talks about her new theme music by European music sensation T.A.T.U. (Russian term, loosely translated “this girl loves that girl”. Seriously.). One of the singers of T.A.T.U. flexes her limited English by meeting Victoria at The World and giving her impressions of wrestling, which she had never heard of until just then. Why is she on this show? Well, they posed and hugged to show their newfound (platonic?) friendship. If only Bush and Putin could do the same.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-WWE Anthology would make a great holiday gift for anyone but Perry Saturn or The Godfather.
-Asia Argento is XXX on DVD. I wish.
-NBA 2K3 is a basketball game, in case you couldn’t tell.
-Usher enjoys Twix candy bars, cars, the moon and dancing. Turn offs include… how the hell should I know?
-Dragonball Z: Live At Budokan
-Midway Sports titles usually end with a “z”. Or a “fest”.
-Steve Zahn uses up whatever goodwill he had left after Saving Silverman by starring in National Security with Martin Lawrence.
-Mario Party 4 at Target, the Official Sponsor of Plumbers, Dinosaurs and Princesses. Take that, Wal-Mart!
-Raw brand “excitement” is coming your way thanks to WWE Live.

The Rock VS “That movie with the wrestler in it.”
My Olympic Hero Dwayne Johnson shows us around the set of his upcoming movie “Helldorado”. Apparently the movie features bulls predominantly , because there’s a ton on set. And they shit A LOT. Rocky reveals that stardom hasn’t changed him by telling us the names of the bulls used in the making of the film, all of them more talented than Jalen Rose. After the bull meet-and-greet, we take a step down the showbiz ladder to see Rock’s stunt-double, Rock’s makeup artist, Rock’s stand-in, Pussycat Rosario Dawson while she knits, and one of possibly 600 producers. Then it’s off to a big empty room that we’re promised will be a cool looking bar. Uh, okay. Finally, the Rock winds down in the same trailer he used on the set of Scorpion King, but now it’s got a fully stocked fridge and a signed Willie Nelson guitar. I wonder what Rock had to do to get that autograph? I’m not implying anything, it’s just who can say no to the red headed stranger?

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Metroid Prime commands ALL the Autobots!
-XXX is on DDDVVVDDD
-Bod Man fragrances. You want to know what happened, watch ‘em yourself, Rawhide.
-Better Off Dead To Rights
-SOCOM is online. So are terrorists. That can’t be good.
-Hitman 2: Silent But Deadly Assassin
-Rygar hates Roman architecture. And milk.
-XXX on DVD, AOK.
-Jerry Lawler’s autobiography, “I Swear She Looked Eighteen, Officer”, is on sale now.

WWE Superstars VS The Birth of the Son of God
It’s a quick run through the buried childhood neuroses of the WWE midcard as your favorite non-Jewish sports entertainers are asked the following questions:
“What’s the best Christmas gift you ever got?” // Al Snow: A little head. // Christopher Nowinski: Basketball hoop. // Crash Holly: Socks and underwear. // Bill DeMott: His stocking. // Lita: Acoustic guitar (“…I’m gonna make you a star/Get your picture all over the world/Be a good guitar/And you could go far/Just bring me back my girl”)
“What’s the best Christmas gift you never got?” // Sgt. Slaughter: A match with The Rock (Pat Patterson’s pick, also). // Jamie Noble: Motorcycle. // Booker T: A car. // Chris Nowinski: A dog.
“Do you like to give or receive?” // Al Snow: Receive. // D-Lo: Give. // John Cena: Give.
“What’s your favorite part of the holidays?” // D-Lo: Snow. // Billy Kidman: Decorations. // Ivory: Oatmeal Raisin Walnut cookies. // John Cena: Being with family. // Bill DeMott: Cleaning up boxes (sarcasm?). // Spike Dudley: Being nice.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-WWE Anthology, featuring Rock’s theme music “I’m Never Coming Back, No Matter What The Ross Report Says”.
-Bod Man fragrances want your bod, and are not afraid to ask.
-Mech Assault from XBox, Mecca Salt from the MiddleEastBox.
-Honda ATV’s are the only vehicles WWE fans are allowed to purchase, evidently.
-Dragonball Z: Budokaientai
-Martin Lawrence’s National Security. First Trent Lott, now this guy.
-Chicago housewives who watch Confidential are encouraged by Oprah to watch “Oprah After The Show” on Oxygen. What the hell kind of crossover audience is that?
SPONSORS:
-Sega Sports, Bod Man and Metroid Prime are proud to sponsor whatever show their ad divisions tell them to.

Kurt Angle VS The King of England
The same guy who directs all the WWE PPV commercials and co-producer Kevin Sullivan join Kurt Angle in a behind the scenes tour of the commercial for Stay Away From Wife, Benoit. I mean the Royal Rumble. Early in this segment, a member of the cast informs us of the need for all the various actors portraying Revolutionary War soldiers to be as accurate as possible. Then we find out that, allegedly for laughs, one of the British soldiers is from Thailand. And all you Internet conspiracy theorists should take note of this tid-bit: Kurt Angle originally only had one line in the commercial but he complained and got an additional line! Glass ceiling! Cancer! Pariah!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-ShopZone.Com has everything a shut-in needs to still give Christmas presents.
-TNN Slammin’ Saturday Night contains WWE programming. Does Foley know that?
-Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell preys on our worst, most paranoid fears about terrorism. And it’s the best-selling video game of the past week, according to EB Games. What a mixed message.
-1-800-CALL-ATT-AND-TELL-THEM-TO-FIRE-CARROT-TOP
-NBA 2K3 has mad skills. Word. Do people still use that? “Word”?
-Bod Man fragrances sponsor strange feelings. In others! In others!
-Xbox is super cheap and includes Sega GT & Jet Set Radio Future. That’s actually a really good deal.
-Brak and Carl from Adult Swim want you to watch the Adult Swim New Year’s Special on Cartoon Network, and once again so do I.
-Midway Sports even produces a hockey game. Well, I’ll be.
-Playstation 2 presents Royal Rumble, even though a game by the same name once released on the Sega Dreamcast. Victory!

Test and Stacy VS Geddy Lee and Mike Myers’ favorite sport
Test and Stacy brave the frozen northeast and an even more frozen hockey rink to make an appearance at a Richmond Renegades hockey game. Test, despite the obvious advantage of being Canadian, fails to score a goal for publicity. Twice. AGAINST THE MASCOT. WHILE STACY DISTRACTED! I’d say it’s good that he’s got a wrestling career to fall back on, but it is Test…

IT’S A GOOD LIFE, IF YOU DON’T WEAKEN
-Fox cancels Firefly, but Fastlane remains. Does that seem right to you?
-Two Towers stormed it’s way into theaters Wednesday, much like an army of computer-generated orcs storming into a computer-generated castle to kill computer-generated New Zealanders. I’d like to give a clearheaded review, but it’s a little distracting watching a 3-hour movie at midnight in a crowded theater while you wonder if your car will start when you leave. All that aside, the movie was fun, there were trailers for X-2 (wheee!) and T-3 (aieee!), and my car started. For a time.

EXPECT ME LIKE ONE WAITS FOR MAIL
-Bill Laird writes: “Hey, man, read your Velocity report. Just wanted to let you know that Red Dwarf IS coming out on DVD, I think in February or March, and is slated for a US release. Check that out, along with info about the movie at www.reddwarf.co.uk.
PS. I also enjoyed you calling that Madrox guy ‘The Multiple Man’”
-Dal responds: There you have it. Due to my intense lobbying, the United States will have Red Dwarf on DVD. My only assistant on this was Marvel superhero Jamie Madrox, The Multiple Man. Thankfully, Jamie’s years of teamwork with the Fallen Angels, X-Factor and the new X-Corp allowed the several of us to make an inroad to the difficult to crack DVD industry. You’re welcome, world.

INCIDENTAL MUSIC
While at one job this week, I listened to these CDs:
-Kristen Hersh, Strange Angels
-Old 97’s, Too Far To Care
-The Weakerthans, Fallow
While in three cars this week, I listened to these CDs:
-Rainer Maria, Ears Ring
-The New Amsterdams, Never You Mind
-Bright Eyes, Fevers and Mirrors

WHEN IT GETS TOO BLUE, BLACK OUT
That’s it for my first Confidential recap. Drop me a line if you have any comments. Before I go, I’d like to direct everyone to read Jimmy Hayes’ recap of this week’s Velocity, if they haven’t already. And a belated Happy Birthday to Jimmy’s long-suffering wife Shawn. Thanks for reading, and Happy Holidays!