411’s WWE Raw Report 04.17.06

Cue Raw intro…..cue pyrotechnics…..cue thousands of screaming fans..all this can only mean one thing – MONDAY NIGHT RAW live from St. Louis!

**No chance that’s what you’ve got…**

The Chairman Vince McMahon makes his way to the ring.

Vince on the mic: The question is will Mr. McMahon go to hell…..let me repeat that question. Will Mr. McMahon go to hell? (YES) That was exactly the same question Shane asked me last week after we left church for the very first time. I may have offended my own son. If I offended Shane in some small way then I probably offended all of you in a larger way. If that’s the case then I’m here tonight to set the record straight. Will Mr. McMahon go to hell? The answer is…..no. Mr. McMahon will not go to hell because quite frankly I was there earlier this morning. I was picked up in a limo earlier this morning – unfortunately, my driver got lost and we ended up in East St. Louis. Folks, that’s hell. Let me tell you another reason why I’m not going to hell. Don’t confuse my lack of knowledge as far as customs of knowledge as organized religion as blasphemy. I believe in all religions. I’m here to announce a new religion. My own personal religion. I’ve been practicing this religion for some 40 years. The name of it is McMahonism.

Now the concept of McMahonism is very simple. It means I am the Lord, Master, and God of all sports entertainment. In all that participate in any manner whether or not it’s in the ring or you buy a ticket – you will worship me! I know that’s pretty harsh for the God of McMahonism but quite frankly it’s a new religion. What would have happened had McMahonism been around for a long, long time not just 40 years? What would have happened had it been around when Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. Compared to Adam, Mr. McMahon is well endowed. What if McMahonism had been around say the time of Moses? I often wondered if Moses was his first name or his last name. What if Mr. McMahon and Moses walked down Mount Cyanide together. (picture of McMahon with Moses’ Ten Commandments) This is what I really believe in – do not covet thy neighbor’s wife….unless she’s really hot. If she’s hot – come on – two consenting adults, you do what you want. What if McMahonism had been practiced at the most famous supper of them all. (picture of Vince at the Last Supper) I would have loosened everybody up – I would have been the life of that party. What if McMahonism spread all over the world. I mean maybe even to Asia. Whether you believe it or not, Asia is extremely important. What if McMahonism had stood there in Shea Stadium, side by side with Pope John Paul (picture with Vince and the Pope). (BOOOORING chants) Let’s face it – McMahonism is the theology of the future. The theology of the masses.

And I’ll tell you why – boo me all you want. But there’s a point to all of this. The point to all of this is that each and everyone of you tonight are here in America – as I am as well – we’re in America where we can practice our freedoms. Freedom of speech, freedom to worship any religion you wanna worship – it doesn’t matter. That’s America. That’s why tonight – just as I took my company public – I’m offering to all of you as I open the doors of my church and publicly invite you all to join me in McMahonism. I’m inviting you to convert. I’m inviting you all to be disciples of McMahonism. Yet I know there is one person who in this arena who will not convert. There’s one person who is a doubter and will attempt to remain so – and his name is Shawn Michaels. But at Backlash – I can assure you when my son Shane and I get finished with Shawn Michaels he will fall on his knees and worship at my feet. And if I’m telling a lie then strike me down. Come on strike me down – if I’m telling a lie – take me right now in this ring if I’m telling a lie. Show me a sign, show me a sign! Shawn Michaels – God – wont’ show me a sign I assure you this. The God of McMahonism will show you a sign tonight . The God of McMahonism will guarantee victory at Backlash. Praise be the Glory of Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Praise be the glory and power of Vincent Kennedy McMahon…..

Shawn Michaels comes out of nowhere and lands the Sweet Chin Music right on the chin of McMahon. God this angle cannot get any worse. McMahon starts to get up so Shawn rungs back to the ring and gives him the DX chop!

Ad Break

Vince walks in the back with some people helping him walk. Triple H appears and tells him maybe he should back up off this God stuff. Vince says God will show a sign tonight. Vince gets pissed about Triple H calling him an old man last week. Vince says that tonight there will be another handicap match tonight – Edge and John Cena versus Triple H.

Rob Conway is in the ring.

Conway on the mic: I have had enough! I am Rob Conway damn it! And the next person that dares disrespect me will be dealt with!

**BOOOOOM**

Kane interrupts Conway and makes his way to the ring for his match.

Match 1: Rob Conway vs. Kane

Kane attacks Conway before the bell. Irish whip by Kane, ducks his head, and gets a boot from Conway. Conway off the ropes and Kane clotheslines the hell out of him. Kane whips Conway into the corner and follows with another lethal clothesline. Bit boot to the chin by Kane. Goozle – chokeslam. Goodnight.

WINNER: Kane (:59)

Kane goes out of the ring and heads over to Lilian Garcia. He asks Lilian why she told everyone about May 19th. Goozle by Kane! Takes her up…….

**WEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL…..well it’s the Big Show***

Big Show makes his way down the aisle. Kane drops Lilian and slides into the ring to confront the Show. Show asks Kane what the big deal is about May 19th. Goozle by Kane again! Show down to one knee, GOOZLE by Show! Chokeslam by Show! Show’s music plays and he heads to the back. Of course, Kane sits up and smiles…..

Ad Break

We’re back live as Chavo Guerrero gets mic’ed up in the back. They show two weeks ago when Chavo went for the IC title, dedicated the match to Eddie, lost, and then quit.

JR: Chavo – thank you very much for being here. Two weeks ago on Raw you went head to head with Shelton Benjamin for the IC Title. After the match you abrubtly quit the WWE. I’m hoping you have had a chance to reconsider.

Chavo: Yes, I have had a chance to reconsider. I feel my decision was made rather hastily. My fans feel that maybe I made the wrong decision. But the more I think about it JR. I made a promise to the fans, I made a promise to my family, and I made a promise to Eddie and I let him down. I lost to Shelton Benjamin, and I felt it in my heart that I was going to win the IC Championship. I was going to bring that home to Eddie and his family. I just feel that my loss sums everything up. I feel I made the right decision.

JR: I will not be argumentative, but this is a very drastic decision. You’re quitting your life’s work. You think Eddie would approve of you quitting the wrestling business?

Chavo: Every decision we made – whether it be in wrestling or whether it be in life. I think Eddie would stand behind me in this. I think he would have been disgusted with my loss. It just made me reconsider my life. I’ve been wrestling since I was a kid. This is all I’ve ever wanted to do. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a wrestler. Just because I want to it doesn’t mean that’s what I’m supposed to do. I just feel there are other things on the horizon. Maybe I could be a real estate broker. It’s not as glamorous as a wrestler, but at least I could feel good.

JR: Chavo – it was one loss. I didn’t know Eddie as well as you did, but I knew him very well. I just don’t believe he would approve of you quitting the family business.

Chavo: Thank you for your support, JR. I may just be one loss to you, but I feel it was a monumental turn in my life. I feel I made the right decision. I just feel that – as much as it kills me to say this – I just feel that my wrestling career has come to an end. Thank you.

Chavo and JR shake hands as Chavo cries a bit and we head to an….

Ad Break

We’re back live. King says that Lilian was traumatized by Kane so Coach is going to ring announce the rest of the night. Coach says that if Shelton is victorious tonight he will face RVD at Backlash for the Money in the Bank, and if he is not victorious RVD will face Shelton for the IC Title. Also, RVD got to pick the opponent – both men apparently agreed to this.

**Ain’t no stopping me noooooooooooooow….**

Coach: And his opponent chosen by Rob Van Dam….

**Some music plays…..**

It’s….CHARLIE HAAS! Sweet Jesus….Shelton can’t believe it!

Match 2: Shelton Benjamin vs. Charlie Haas

German by Haas. Clothesline by Haas. Haas throws Shelton into the turnbuckle. Two armdrags from Haas. Belly to back attempt, but Shelton lands on his feet – dropkick b y Haas. Haas clotheslines Shelton to the outside. Charlie on the outside chops away at Shelton. Charlie keeps yelling “DID YOU FORGET ABOUT ME SHELTON.” Charlie goes for a sunset flip into the ring, but Shelton drops his knee into the lower back of Haas. Whip by Shelton, Haas off the ropes, big clothesline landed by Shelton. Shelton drapes Haas’ neck over the middle rope and Shelton knees Charlie in the lower back three times. Shelton chokes out Haas on the middle rope until the referee’s count breaks it up. Shelton pulls Charlie to the outside and slams him into the steel steps. Shelton rolls in and out of the ring. Charlie fighting back now with some rights. Shelton picks up Haas and slams him on the floor. Shelton back in the ring now to break up the ten count. Shelton arm drags Charlie back into the ring. Now he locks on a back headlock. Elbows by Haas to get out of the headlock, but Shelton lands a poke to the eyes. Spinning heel kick whiffs by Shelton. Haas lands a clothesline and both men are down now. Shelton backs Haas into the corner – both men exchanging rights now. Charlie takes control – irish whip by Haas into a back bodydrop. Two quick clotheslines from Haas. Knees to the face by Charlie. Irish whip by Haas, Shelton holds on, and Charlie misses a dropkick. Belly to back by Shelton. Shelton plays to the crowd by mocking RVD – ROLLING THUNDER! Shelton backs Haas into the corner again and slaps the spit out of him. Stinger Splash attempt upcoming – GOT IT! Big sidekick by Shelton sends Charlie to the mat. Shelton hesitating again and plays to the crowd. Shelton to the top rope! Shelton mocks the hell out of RVD and goes for a senton, but Charlie moves out of the way. Rollup by Haas…..three count!

WINNER: Charlie Haas (6:54)

The main event tonight is Cena and Edge vs. Triple H so stay tuned for that.

Ad Break

Maria ran the Kiss Cam during the break on WWE.com Unlimited. She is SO FUCKING FINE!!!! God daaaaamn….

Vince is in the back in his office when someone knocks on the door.

Estrada: Senor Vince McMahon…

Vince: Who the hell are you?

Estrada: Allow me to introduce myself amigo. My name is Alejandro Armando Estrada. I have a confession to make. I too have recently converted to come se dice – McMahonism. And in the honor of McMahonism I would like to make a donation. A donation of the services of my man, Umaga. All I ask is that you make a match tonight. Shawn Michaels versus Umaga.

Vince: Shawn Michaels vs. Umaga? Why should I do this?

Estrada: Because Umaga is a killer. Senor McMahon – Umaga will put Shawn Michaels back on the Highway to Hell.

Vince: You’ve got it! And your match is next. What is your name again?

Estrada: My name is Alejandro Armando Estrada.

Shelton Benjamin comes into the office.

Shelton: Mr. McMahon I really need your help. It was a curveball – I can’t defend this at Backlash. I need you to help me out. (Shelton gets down on his knees)

Vince: What do you expect me to do?

Shelton: You know when that happened out there. I saw light. The light led me straight to this office. Straight to you! Right then I knew that McMahonism is the light. Only Vince McMahon can help me with this. Only Mr. McMahon can help one of his disciples.

Vince: Maybe I can do something for you. After all – I do kind of like people on their knees before me.

**Umaga’s music hits**

Alejandro Armando Estrada leads Umaga to the ring. This Estrada guy is great by the way.

Ad Break

We’re back as Joey Styles and King talk about McMahonism. They show the Sweet Chin Music to the chin of McMahon from earlier tonight again.

**Ohhhh…ooooh…Shawn….**

And making his way to the ring – from San Antonio, Texas…he is the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels!

Match 3: Umaga vs. Shawn Michaels

Michaels ducks under some clotheslines and lands chop after chop. Lefts and rights from Shawn. Shawn off the ropes and gets decapitated by an Umaga clothesline. Standing press slam by Umaga. Huge front kick by Umaga sends Shawn up and over the top rope. And here comes Vinnie Mac down to the ring. Big chop by Umaga sends Shawn to the top of the broadcast table. Vince grabs a chair and a microphone. Shawn finally gets to his feet and Umaga goes outside the ring again and slams his head into the broadcast. Umaga pulls Shawn one handed into the ring by the hair. Big headbutt by Umaga. Umaga comes off the ropes and lands a big knee drop to the forehead of HBK. Shawn fighting back with some rights now. Umaga is staggering, but out of nowhere he lands a big right of his own. Off the ropes comes Umaga and drops the headbutt to HBK. Big chop by Umaga. Umaga whips HBK into the corner, head of steam, and he gets a size 12 from Michaels for his troubles. Big chop by Shawn. And again. Shawn tries whipping Umaga, but Umaga reverses it and slams Shawn into the turnbuckle. Umaga going for the butt splash now, but Shawn moved at the last instant. Off the ropes comes Shawn – flying burrito, but Umaga didn’t go down! Kip up…..another FLYING BURRITO! KI P UP AGAIN! Shawn heads to the top rope! Elbow drop! Tune up the band! Vince is on the attack which distracts the referee. Estrada grabs Shawn’s leg, splash attempt by Umaga but Shawn moved. Umaga throws Shawn into the turnbuckle and Shawn goes ass up. Shawn is caught in turnbuckle. Big headbutt by Umaga. And again! And again! The referee tries to untie him, but Umaga throws the referee off him. There’s the bell.

WINNER: Shawn Michaels (6:08)

After the match Umaga continues to beat down HBK. The thumb of destruction from Umaga! Vince tells Umaga and Estrada to get the hell out of his ring, and he is going to finish him off himself. Vince ties Shawn in the top rope and heads to the outside for a chair. Suddenly there is a big ass lightning bolt that knocks McMahon down. Vince tries to go up the stairs again and there is another explosion. Vince is scared shitless and heads to the back. Vince tries heading back to the ring again, but the entrance starts on fire and he is gone now. This is too funny.

Ad Break

During the break, Vince McMahon high-tailed it out of the arena. This week in wrestling shows Stone Cold and Rock doing crazy things to each other.

Matt Striker stands in the ring.

Striker: What you just saw – Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock – absolutely epitomizes what is wrong with this nation. That’s not hyperbole – that’s a fact. Stone Cold and the Rock? Come on people – they’re absolutely awful. Ask me how I know this. Because I am Matt Striker and I used to work as a professional teacher. When I was in the classroom, I was absolutely appalled that my students could tell me verbatim what happened on Raw, but they couldn’t tell me the Bill of Rights. I can only imagine what goes on where the drop out rate is through the roof. A place like St. Louis. Come on – the gateway to the west is more like the epicenter for ignorance. Why is this? Anyone? Anyone? Bueler? I’ll tell you why – because you’re more concerned with being cool than you are with being smart. You are more absorbed with being like Nelly or whoever they are than knowing about Nixon. Well your teacher has a rule – school is cool! And if you disagree with me – if you can’t digest that then I am forced to give each and everyone of you an F. Take out a pencil….I want you to write this down….

**I spit in the face of people that don’t want to be cool…**

Carlito makes his way to the ring. Carlito chant.

Striker: May I help you young man.

Carlito: Carlito was backstage looking all over for his apple only to see you stole it for your little classroom thing.

Striker: I’m a teacher – teachers have apples.

Carlito: Well not Carlito’s. You know – Carlito was one of those kids who always thought it was more important to be cool. I tried to explain it to the teachers, but they were like you – stupid. They used to lecture Carlito and send him to detention. I’ll tell you a funny story. One day Carlito got so fed up he took his teacher’s apple and spat it right in his face. And the principal came up to Carlito and said good job. Just kidding – I got expelled. But after that Carlito became the coolest guy in the island. And I’ve had an apple ever since. And you – you kinda look like him. I think I want to relive that day one more time.

Striker: I’m warning you! Put down that piece of produce! I don’t know what kind of grades you got on your ACT or if you even took them at all (Carlito shakes his head no), but I have an analogy!

Carlito: Anal what?

Striker: I have an analogy for you. Carlito is to spitting an apple as Matt Striker is to giving you the absolute worst beating of your entire life!

Carlito: You got a point there.

Carlito bites the apple and spits it in Striker’s face. Carlito and Striker exchange rights. Carlito takes control and pounds away on Striker. Chris Masters is here and he locks on the Master Lock! Masters throws him around like a rag doll and finally lets him go. Wow, this Masters/Carlito stuff is actually getting me excited for this match. Probably because Carlito is freaking gold on the mic.

Ad Break

**RVD’s music hits**

The following contest is a handicap match scheduled for one fall – making his way to the ring he is Mr. Money in the Bank, Rob…Van….Dam!

Styles informs us that thanks to Shelton’s conversion to McMahonism if RVD wins the IC Title will still be on the line at Backlash, but if RVD loses both will be on the line. Winner take all.

**Spirit Squad’s music hits**

The Spirit Squad makes their way to the ring.

Match 4: RVD vs. Spirit Squad

Apparently this will be a 5 on 1 handicap match. RVD is taking care of business. Finally all five are in the ring and pounding away on RVD. Five man parachute! Four of the members hold RVD up in the air as Kenny comes off with another of his sweet ass Alabama Jams! That’s all.

WINNERS: Spirit Squad (1:17)

I’m starting to warm to the Spirit Squad. They’re pretty humorous.

Maria is in the back with Trish Stratus dressed as Mickie James.

Maria: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here with Mickie James or Trish Stratus…I’m confused.

Trish Stratus: If you could give Mickie James a message. I would like for you to just tell her that she has a surprise waiting for her in the ring. And that’s next – and it will be awesome!

Ad Break

**Mickie James’ music hits**

Trish Stratus comes to the ring as a giant box sits in the ring – apparently Mickie’s presents.

Trish: Hey you guys – do you guys remember when Mickie James gave me a really awesome present right before Wrestlemania. Remember when she was the challenger and I was the champion. Well, come Backlash I will be the challenger and she will be the champion. Soooo…I got her a little surprise! Mickie – you HAVE to come down to see it.

**Trish/Mickie’s music hits**

Mickie James slowly walks to the ring.

Mickie: What are you doing? I don’t think I want your present seriously.

Trish: Mickie don’t be so ungrateful. I went through a lot of expense to get this here. Don’t you want just a little peak. Just a little smidgen of a peak. I thought so! Raise the box please!

Trish’s ex boyfriend Jack is tied up.

Trish: Look – it’s Trish Stratus’ ex-boyfriend, Jack. I guess you could say I got you a Jack in the Box! What do you have to say Jack?

Jack: I think both of you bitches are crazy.

Trish: That’s enough. Thank you very much. I’m sorry sweety – my hands are tied on this one and so are yours. Listen Mickie – if you’re really Trish Stratus then you must be pretty concerned about what will happen with good ol Jack here huh? But if you’re not Trish – you’re Mickie James who thinks she’s Trish Stratus you realize you have absolutely nothing to do with this guy here. Then you’ll realize that you’re not Trish. You can stop dressing like Trish, you can stop acting like Trish, and you can stop being Trish. You dig?

Mickie: Yeah….yeah I understand. Get your filthy hands off my boyfriend!

Mickie hits the ring, misses a clothesline and gets some forearms from Trish. Trish lands a huge spinebuster and we may or may not have had a nip slip. Someone let me know.

Mickie: Oh my God – Jack are you ok? I’m so sorry. Are you all right. I’m so sorry baby. You cheated on me you bastard!

MICK KICK!! Jack is out cold.

Mickie: NOBODY CHEATS ON ME!

This is pure gold….pure FUCKING gold.

Lita and Edge are in the back.

Edge: Look who is gracing us with his presence. It’s the King of Kings himself. Remember when I tapped to John Cena last week? At least mine was a handicap match. And as the way things have been going it looks like I’m going to pin you tonight.

Triple H: That could happen, but I doubt Cena will let that happen. He stabbed me in the back last week. What makes you think he won’t stab you in the back? Look – I hate Cena way more than I hate you. And you have a bigger reason to hate Cena. You can blame Foley all you want, but it was Cena who kicked your ass and took your title. And you haven’t done a damn thing about it – think about it.

Ad Break

They show the See No Evil trailer again.

The director and others on the movie staff talk about Kane’s role in the movie.

They run down the Backlash card. It is as follows….

Big Show vs. Kane
Shawn Michaels and God vs. Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon
Carlito vs. Chris Masters
Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam – Money in the Bank vs. IC Title
Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus – WWE Women’s Championship Match
John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Edge – WWE Championship Match

**You think you know me….**

Edge and Lita make their way to the ring.

Ad Break

**It’s time to play the gaaaame…..**

Making his way to the ring – he hails from Grenich, Connecticut and weighs in at 265 pounds…he is the King of Kings, he is the Game – Triple H!

**Cena’s music hits**

The Champ is here – John Cena!

Match 5: Triple H vs. John Cena and Edge

Triple H attacks Cena before the bell. Triple H pounds away on Cena. Cena reverses a whip into the turnbuckle. Triple H comes off and gets another whip into the buckle. Triple H walks out again – cradle suplex. Cover gets 2. Headlock takeover by Cena. Cena off the ropes – shoulder block by Cena. Cena back off the ropes and Triple H lands a big back elbow. The crowd seems to be on Triple H’s side again. Triple H pounds away on Cena. Vertical suplex by Triple H. DX chop – and Triple H follows that with a drop of the knee. Cena off the ropes with a flying shoulder block. Clothesline – and again! Sit down powerbomb. Cena looks around as I hear more boos than cheers. You Can’t See Me……..Cena off the ropes and Triple H catches him in a spinebuster. Crowd goes crazy! Edge tags himself into the match and then sends Cena to the outside. Edge and Triple H face off. Rights by Triple H. Edge off the ropes, Triple H drops his head and gets a boot. Edge back off the ropes – spinebuster by Triple H. Clothesline by Trips. Swinging neckbreaker by H’s. Cover gets 2. Irish whip by Triple H reversed by Edge, drops the head, and Triple H lands a facecrusher. Triple H off the ropes – spinning heel kick! Cena in the ring. Cltohesline on Edge. Belly to belly by Cena. Pedigree upcoming? No – countered by Cena into an F U – no countered by Triple H. Triple H throws Cena into the ref and Edge. Cena, Edge, and the ref are all down. Triple H heads to the outside and pulls out the great equalizer as the crowd goes crazy again. Triple H brings the sledgehammer into the ring. He’s trying to figure out who to hit. He drills Cena! Spear by Edge! And that’s all.

WINNERS: Edge and John Cena (4:52)

Styles: Did Edge just outsmart the cerebral assassin?

Hell yes baby. Edge and Lita celebrate and head to the back. It’s great to hear Edge’s music to end Raw for once. Edge has MADE this main event scene. They show a replay and show that Edge was playing opossum. That’s why they call him the man. Very good show. They are really building to Backlash very, very well. See ya’ll next week!