411’s WWE Raw Report 05.05.03

Opens with still photo of Ms. Elizabeth, 1960 – 2003.

WWE Intro, Photos of Bischoff and a funny one of Austin.

We start with a recap of last week’s happenings between Eric Bischoff, Linda McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Union Underground starts up with the RAW opening graphics, and Austin is coming out right away!

Austin says it’s good to be hear tonight, and warns us of a tirade to come. He thanks Linda McMahon, and the crowd is already doing the “what” bit. Crowd is chanting “Austin” very loudly. Austin says he’s going to throw the biggest beer bash in the history of Raw in the middle of the ring. Austin says a lot of things that were done is his absence he did not approve of, namely getting rid of the Intercontinental Title, which Austin says is one of the most important he has ever won. Austin says that at Judgment Day there will be a battle royal to determine a new IC champion. Crowd is chanting “Austin” again. Austin says that former IC champions can enter. Bischoff’s music hits, and Bischoff and Chief Morley are on their way out. Crowd chants “asshole.” Bischoff wants it to be clear that he and Austin are CO-general managers, and that decisions must be mutually agreed upon. Bischoff reminds everyone that he abolished the IC title. Bischoff agrees to bring back the IC title. Bischoff announces that at Judgment Day Triple H will defend the World Title against Kevin Nash. Yippee. Austin likes it, says that things are working out. Austin has one more thing he wants to do tonight. Austin hired somebody, Bischoff is very upset. It is of course, good ole JR. Bischoff is pissed, says that JR is fired, Austin says hired. They go back and forth for a bit. Austin says he is “trying extremely hard not to lose my temper.” Funny stuff. Austin says it can be settled with a match. Stone Cold vs. Bischoff, if Austin wins JR stays, if Bischoff wins, JR goes. Bischoff loves the idea, but says Linda would not like it, because she said they could not lay a hand on each other. They go back and forth between Austin calling Bischoff scared, and Bischoff refuting that. Chief Morley interjects himself and says he will wrestle in Bischoff’s place, but against JR instead. Bischoff likes that idea, Austin says it’s stupid. King volunteers himself for the match, and everyone agrees to that match. Austin says let’s do it right now, and King’s music plays as he heads to the ring, and we go to commercial break.

MATCH #1: Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. Chief Morley

Morley takes an early advantage, stomping on King in the corner. King fires up with a few clotheslines and a back body drop. King with another knock down. King hammers away and goes for a cover and gets two. Morley reclaims the advantage and hits a back body drop of his own. Morley looks cut. King hits the piledriver, but Morley kicks out. King heads up to the second rope and misses the elbow drop. Morley hits a suplex, and hangs on for a second and a third. Morley goes to the second rope and hits the elbow and gets a 2-count. Morley with punches to the head, and tries to ram King into the turnbuckle, but King reverses and hits some right hands. Crowd chants “Jerry.” Bischoff grabs King’s leg, and Austin is after Bischoff. Morley hits a DDT and heads to the top rope, but JR pushes him off. King hits a fistdrop off the second rope and gets the 3-count. JR gets his job back!
WINNER – Jerry Lawler

Bischoff and Morley argue as JR, King and Austin celebrate. Bischoff says Morley let him down ands slaps him in the face. Morley is pissed. Austin calls Coach to the ring. Austin says Coach has been doing a hell of a job, and wants Coach to congratulate JR. Austin says it’s a great announce team, but says having 3 of them is a problem. He then shakes all of their hands, and says welcome aboard to Coach. But then he says they only need 2, and gives Coach a stunner. Now that was just uncalled for. Commercial break.

Bischoff and Morley argue as JR, King and Austin celebrate. Bischoff says Morley let him down ands slaps him in the face. Morley is pissed. Austin calls Coach to the ring. Austin says Coach has been doing a hell of a job, and wants Coach to congratulate JR. Austin says it’s a great announce team, but says having 3 of them is a problem. He then shakes all of their hands, and says welcome aboard to Coach. But then he says they only need 2, and gives Coach a stunner. Now that was just uncalled for. Commercial break.

We come back with an ad for Smackdown! Live events.

Bischoff and Morley are arguing, and Bischoff fires him, calling him worthless. Austin walks by, and questions Morley, and tells him to come with him. Austin questions Bischoff, says he can’t fire anyone without talking to him. Morley gets smug, but then Austin fires him anyway.

JR and King have a touching moment where JR thanks King.

They recap last week’s events regarding Goldberg, Booker T, 3-Minute Warning, Rico, and Christian. They announce Goldberg vs. Christian for later tonight.

Scott Steiner is working out, and Test walks in and takes his mirror space. Stacy tries to make peace, and apparently Steiner and Test have a Tag Title shot tonight.

Kane & RVD are on their way out.

MATCH #2: Kane & Rob Van Dam vs. Test & Scott Steiner, for the World Tag Team Championships

Steiner gets in the face of a fan, showing what a great babyface he is. Stacy looks hot as usual. And the WWE has yet to update the tag team title graphic. Crowd digs RVD. Steiner and RVD lock up and Steiner hammers away. Powerslam into the turnbuckles by Steiner, who reverses the next move and gets a spinkick followed by a split-legged moonsault for two. RVD misses a kick but Steiner sells it anyway to the outside of the ring. RVD with a dive and they get back in the ring. RVD jumps into Steiner who catches him, and nearly drops him on his head. Irish whip by Steiner followed by a clothesline and the flexy elbow drop, and then he does pushups instead of going for the cover. Belly-to-belly by Steiner for two, then he tags Test. Test hammers away on RVD as the crowd chants Stacy. Clothesline by Test for 2-count. Rear chinlock by TestTest goes for a powerbomb, but RVD goes over to a sunset flip, and Kane is tagged in. Man, Test has tiny legs, he looks funny. Kane with a sidewalk slam on Steiner, and he is working over both Test and Steiner. Kane goes up top and nails Test with a clothesline. Steiner comes in with a suplex, and RVD hits Steiner with a kick from the top rope, and Test throws RVD into the steel post and hits a pumphandle slam on Kane. Test loudly calls for the boot, and Kane ducks and sets up for the chokeslam, but Steiner interrupts, and Test hits the Uncle Slam. Test hits an elbow from top rope, but RVD breaks up the cover at 2. Test going for the pumphandle on RVD, and miscommunication sees Test drill Steiner with the boot. Then Test takes a chokeslam and a 5-star frog splash, and that’s all she wrote.
WINNERS, and STILL CHAMPIONS – Rob Van Dam & Kane

Trish Stratus will take on Jazz for the Women’s Championship later tonight!

Austin is hanging up his picture on the wall next to Bischoff’s. Austin’s beer is coming in for the beer bash for later on. Austin abd Bischoff argue over whether there is room for a desk, so Austin moves Bischoff’s couch to make room. Austin tells Bischoff he is not invited to the beer bash.

KEVIN NASH IS WALKING!!!

Goldberg vs. Christian later tonight.

Jericho’s music hits and it is time for the Highlight Reel. Jericho faces Hurricane this Sunday on Heat, and appears on Jimmy Kimmel Thursday night. Jericho is mega-over as a babyface, and Jericho refutes Piper’s comments from Smackdown. Jericho talks about the IC title coming back at Judgment Day, and enters himself as an ex-4 time IC champion (5, by my count), and the crowd LOVES Jericho. Jericho shows footage of the end of the six-man tag from Backlash. Jericho rips on America and gets more face heat. Jericho tells the “monkeys in the truck” to show the footage from last week with Nash slowly chasing Hunter. Nash is on his way out as Jericho’s guest for the week. JR says you can’t screw with Nash’s livelihood. Only Nash can do that by getting injured every time he wrestles. Nash tells Jericho to shut up, and the crowd BOOS LOUDLY. Nash says HHH tried to end his career, but thankfully he is still standing. Nash calls HHH a dead man. Jericho brings out his other guest for the week, Triple H, who also comes out to a face pop. Nash punks out Jericho, and the crowd is PISSED. Nash destroys the set, and the crowd just hates him. HHH starts to enter the ring, and Jericho hits a low blow, and HHH goes to work on Nash. Hunter nails Nash in the spine with a chair. Nash reverses a pedigree to a loud chorus of boos. Nash hits a big boot, and the two men SLOWLY slug it out. The crowd is not amused or interested. They continue to brawl, and the crowd is totally booing everything. HHH gets knocked out of the ring and the crowd goes apathetic. Nash takes HHH’s shirt off, and King and JR make references to the Kliq that about 100 people will get. Crowd chants “Diesel sucks” rather loudly. The brawl continues. Nash is severely winded. Nash picks up the steel steps and nails Hunter in the face. Hunter is bleeding profusely, as the crowd continues to boo. Nash weakly hits Hunter in the face with the belt, and Nash starts beating up referees, and kicks Terry Taylor’s ass. Nash wisely leaves Fit Finlay alone. Hunter fights back, and this segment is STILL GOING ON. They go backstage, and they are STILL going at it. This better be going somewhere. The crowd could not care less. They go outside to the street, and the crod picks up a little bit. HHH tosses the driver of a car out into the street and drives away. Nash punches out a security guard. That was VERY LONG.

We come back with a recap of the brawl that just happened.

The security guard and driver are being attended to as Jericho looks on smiling. Austin is standing behind him, and asks Jericho if he’s proud of what he’s orchestrated. Austin says Jericho is a main eventer, and Jericho congratulates him on being named Co-GM. Austin makes next week’s Raw main event Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Nash. Jericho is upset. King and JR reflect on the happenings of the night. We see yet another recap, of King winning the first match of the night. King and JR verbally fellate each other for a bit, and they continue to recap, talking about the IC title coming back. Have we really only had 2 matches over an hour into the show? Do they really need this much filler?

CAN YOU DIG IT SUCKA? And Booker T is on his way to the ring.

MATCH #3: Booker T vs. Lance Storm

Storm is getting good babyface heat too. This should be a good match. Lock up and Booker comes off with a shoulder block and Strom goes to the eyes. Booker chops away in the corner, and Storm goes for the sharpshooter and the crowd goes bananas. Booker reaches the ropes and Storm stomps away. Leg lariat by Storm gets 2. Spinebuster by Booker gets 2. Storm ducks a clothesline but gets a forearm in the face. Booker with a knee to the midsection, but misses the scissors kick but does hit the axe kick. Booker does the Spin-A-Roony, but Storm hits a superkick for a long 2 count. Flapjack by Booker and the scissors kick connects for 3. Too short, but still good.
WINNER – Booker T

Close up of Stacy Keibler’s ass leads to La Resistance cutting a promo on Steiner and Test, and offer Stacy to join them. They have a match tonight, they say something in French, and Stacy does not look happy.

“The Matrix Reloaded” presents the WWE Rewind, which is La Resistance punking out Scott Steiner. La Resistance makes their way to the ring.

MATCH #4: Spike Dudley & Tommy Dreamer vs. La Resistance

Dreamer and one of Resistance start off, and Spike quickly tags in and gets bodyslammed. Tag to the other French guy and Spike with an armdrag. Spike slides out of the ring, then gets back in, but is tossed out and assaulted outside the ring. Spike continues to be abused by Greiner in the ring. Double hiptoss on Spike, but Dreamer breaks up the cover. Spike with the headbutt to the midsection and Dreamer comes in and hits a spinebuster. Cool neckbreaker/DDT combo to both men by Dreamer. Double stomp off the top by Spike. Double spinebuster on Spike gets the 3.
WINNERS – La Resistance

Dreamer is getting worn out with his own Singapore cane, until Steiner comes in and cleans house. Test comes out to make the save and the two of them clean house.

We come back with the ad for upcoming Raw brand shows.

Bischoff is on the phone complaining about Stone Cold. He’s talking to Linda, who seems un-sympathetic. Bischoff makes creepy comments about digging mature women. That’s a visual I just don’t need.

Christian is warming up, and cuts off Terri trying to ask him some question. Christian says he is the new people’s champion, as anointed by The Rock. Terri sucks up to Goldberg, and they show the cover of the newest WWE Magazine. Christian is way over as a face here too. Crowd is chanting Christian’s name. Christian says Goldberg is going to start a losing streak.

Trish and her breasts are getting ready for the Women’s Title rematch.

The Stacker 2 Burn of the Night is a recap of the Bischoff/Trish match from last week.

MATCH #5: Trish Stratus vs. Jazz for the Women’s Title

Jazz is accompanied by Teddy Long and Rodney Mack. Lock up and Jazz overpowers Trish and takes her down. Armdrag by Trish and another one. Victory roll by Trish gets two. Jazz with a kick to the head. Body slam by Jazz followed by a leg drop for a 2-count. Thesz press by Trish. Trish with a few chops, and whips Jazz to the corner, but Jazz hits a back elbow. Jazz goes to the top, and blocks the Trishcanranna. Long up on the apron but trips, not sure if that was intentional or not. Jazz powerbombs Trish for 2. Trish hits the bulldog, but Victoria distracts the ref. Jazz hits Trish with the belt and gets 3. Crowd does not like that.
WINNER, and STILL CHAMPION: Jazz

Goldberg vs. Christian is NEXT

Crowd is chanting Goldberg, but Christian comes out first.

MATCH #6: Christian vs. Goldberg

Goldberg has new, weird looking tights for his first Raw match. Christian gets good face heat, but so does Goldberg. Rico and 3-Minute Warning are out, and Rico has a mic. Rico says Jamal is going to beat up Goldberg, then he is going to come down and choke him out, and then Rosey is going to come out and splash Goldberg. Goldberg says bring it. Goldberg takes down Jamal and slams Rico and suplexes Rosey. Samoan drop by Jamal, and the beatdown ensues. Goldberg comes back and takes down both Rosey and Jamal. Rico is left all alone and is set up for the Jackhammer, and referee Nick Patrick counts 3. So was that a match. Christian hits Goldberg with a chair, and then runs out through the crowd. Goldberg has a mic, calls out Christian, but Austin’s music hits. Austin says he’s here to drink beer, and Goldberg looks confused. Austin asks Goldberg if he has a problem with that. Goldberg says “hell yeah I got a problem with that.” Austin says his real problem is that he wants to beat up Christian. Austin offers next week to make Goldberg vs. Christian, which Goldberg says isn’t good enough. Austin offers to make the match a no-holds-barred and steel cage match. Austin drinks more beer. Goldberg still looks pissed, Austin offers him a beer, and the two each double fist beers. This is kind of surreal. The beer girls come out, and a bunch of people who aren’t wrestlers come to the ring. Okay, this is weird.

Show over.

Well, it was better than the last few months anyway. I want to wish PK a Happy Birthday!