411’s WWE Raw Report 05.16.05

BACKGROUND MATERIAL

Miss Hard Justice? Csonka has the results, including a battle royal in which the last guy to enter won. When was the last time that happened?

Randle has all of your Monday news and an intriguing offer.

Sarnecky has an ode to ECW.

Cook had the Sunday news and notes from Thursday’s live ROH show.

Csonka knows who he want to see move from SD to Raw in the draft.

Kent overcomes the dreaded sleaze moratorium.

Byers has cheap cowboys.

Csonka also pumps out his second pinch-hit XP report.

P got the Masterlock challenge. Lucky bastard. I swear, if it’s on Heat again this week…

Fried on Velocity: Must-miss show this week.

Thomlison has the always-excellent, always-epic Byte This report.

And be sure to voice your opinions in the live Raw thread in the forum.

We’ve got Christian/Ric Flair and a main event with, uh, explosive potential. This might be one of the most eventful Raws of the year, so let’s get to it…

411’s WWE RAW REPORT – 05.16.05

The Raw intro video has some notable additions, including Shelton Benjamin’s ladder climb and Flying Nothing into Sweet Chin Music. That, and Lita whacking someone with a crutch, if you’re into omens like that. PYRO! We are LIVE from Omaha, Nebraska, and JR & King are our hosts.

Promised for Tonight:
– Christian vs Ric Flair
– Christy Hemme vs Candice Michelle in a “Lingerie Pillow Fight”
– Kane vs Edge in the Gold Rush #1 Contendership Tournament Final

But we start with some tag-team action!

Match #1: Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari vs Chris Jericho & Shelton Benjamin

Benjamin and Jericho get quality pops. They decide to rush the ring before the bell, and they each get a heel in a corner. Benjamin whips Hassan into Daivari in the corner, and then Shelton hits both of them with the Stinger splash. The faces clothesline the heels out, and “Vigilant” Mike Chioda tries to restore order. But Shelton and Jericho each hit planchas to the heels. Jericho puts Daivari back in, and I guess those two are legal. Jericho chops Daivari down, and JR gives Daivari back his first name. Back suplex by Jericho and he tags in Shelton. Shelton gets some shots to the back. He gets a wristlock and hits a sort of armwringer slam. Shelton goes to a hammerlock, reversed to a jawbreaker by Daivari, and Hassan tags in. Hassan tries to lock up, but Shelton unloads the rights. Hassan reverses a whip into the corner, but Shelton drills him with a clothesline. Shelton stupidly attacks Daivari, and Hassan avalanches him in the corner and hits a back suplex into a backbreaker. Hassan gets an elbowdrop to the back, a stomp to the head, and a tag to Daivari. [“Let’s go Shelton!”] Daivari heads to the surfboard. Shelton heads up to his feet and powers out, sending Daivari into the ropes and trying a tilt-a-whirl slam, but Daivari sneaks out the back door. Shelton clotheslines him anyway. Hassan tags in and quickly clotheslines Jericho to prevent the hot tag. While Chioda is vigilantly keeping Jericho away on the apron, Hassan and Daivari hit a double-team suplex on Shelton for two. Hassan applies a surfboard of his own. Shelton gets out, shortarms a whip, and turns it into a Samoan drop! Nice spot. He tries to reach Jericho, but Hassan grabs a foot, Shelton kicks him off, and it’s hot tag Jericho! Hassan reverses a whip, but Jericho clotheslines him, runs on his back, and clotheslines him again. Daivari misses a charge and falls out of the ring. Jericho gets the Y2J Stinger, but Hassan dodges the running choke on the second rope. Jericho lands on the apron and heads up with a flying cross body for two, broken up by Daivari. Benjamin takes Daivari out. Benjamin charges Daivari, who pulls the top rope down, and they both fall outside. This lets Jericho gets Hassan in the Walls. Daivari gets on the apron, so Jericho breaks the hold and hits him with his springboard dropkick, but Hassan sneaks up with the Flatliner and gets the pin!

Winners: Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari via pinfall (6:03)

Jericho is distraught and heads up the ramp. Shelton looks on, confused and disappointed.

We get a promo for ECW One Night Stand.

Ad Break.

Backstage, Chris Benoit talks to Tajiri, telling him that Paul Heyman invited him to ECW’s One Night Stand. Tajiri is excited. Benoit tells Tajiri he’d love to do an ECW Rules match tonight. William Regal walks in and asks what on earth Benoit’s putting in the lad’s head. Regal says there’s nothing fun about hitting each other on the head with tables. Regal wishes Tajiri the best of luck, though, and walks off. Everyone is all smiles.

King has his own T-shirt at the announce position.

And let us take you back to last week, when HHH decided to quit Raw after he couldn’t get a title shot out of Batista.

Coach walks in on Eric Bischoff and frantically tries to explain what Tajiri and Benoit want to do. Bischoff says he’ll get to that later. Ric Flair, already in the room, tries to coerce Bischoff into giving HHH a title shot, and says that HHH’s huge ego comes with the territory. Bischoff makes it abundantly clear that he’s not going to call HHH; if HHH wants to return, he can call him. Bischoff says he can handle HHH. Flair is disgusted and walks out. (Pencil in about 5 Raw reports for a Poochie reference right about here.)

As he heads down a hallway, he sees Batista.

“Dave Batista? I need to talk to you.” Flair says everything ttat’s wrong in his life is because of Batista. Everything that’s wrong in sports entertainment is because of him. Last week, HHH quit Raw because of Batista. He’s the guy who brought Batista to Raw, trained him, and taught him how to dress and wrestle. It hurts the product!

Batista, as he sips his coffee, says it’s nobody’s fault but HHH’s that he’s not here. He says he doesn’t owe anyone anything, except maybe Flair. Batista says he has nothing but respect for Flair, but he’s wrong.

Batista throws out a weak “Woo” as a tribute to Flair. General laughter, then Flair shows him how it’s done. Batista shakes his head as Flair walks off.

Ad Break.

Match #2: Ric Flair vs Christian (w/ Tyson Tomko)

Christian’s attire is even more ridiculous this week, with a vest featuring a big hole in the middle and a “C” around it. JR announces that Referee Chad Patton is refereeing this match, and he also called Chioda doing the last one. A spotlight to the refs? Cool. Christian runs the ropes and shoulderblocks Flair, then mocks the strut. Flair slaps him. Christian pops Flair with a right. Christian gets a whip and a backdrop. Flair backs into the corner and trips Christian on his way in, then gets a cover with the ropes for two. They slug it out in the corner, and Flair wins with a chop. Flair decides to head up top, and you know that ends. Christian follows the press slam with chops in the opposite corner. Christian gets a blatant wto-handed choke. Christian gets a whip into the corner, and Flair gets hung up doing the Flair flip, so Christian clotheslines him again to send him out. Tomko gets some offense in as Patton admonishes Christian. Flair gets on the apron, allowing Christian to suplex him back in for two. JR calls him Captain Charisma! Flair gets two chops when they both get up, but Christian whips him into a corner. Flair dodges an avalanche, though, and Flair gets corner chops. Christian stumbles out into the middle of the ring… and does a picture-perfect FLAIR FLOP! WOO! Flair comes from behind with a running kneedrop to the head, but as he tries the figure-four, Tomko pops him with a right from the outside. Christian gets a waistlock and turns it into a reverse rollup with the top rope for two as Referee Chad Patton stops the count when he sees the evil chicanery. Flair reverses to a cover of his own, with the top rope and the tights, and Patton sees nothing, allowing Flair to get the win!

Winner: Ric Flair via pinfall (3:24)

Post-match, Tomko pleads with Patton, who will have none of this. So he and Christian assault Flair, and they double-team him against the ropes for about a minute… but Batista is here! Tomko slugs it out with him, and Batista just powers him back into the corner. Christian comes from behind and gets some shots in, but he runs the ropes directly into the murderous clothesline. Batista spinebusters Tomko, and Christian is easy prey for the DAVEBOMB. Tomko gets DAVEBOMBed as well. Play Batista’s music! Batista gets a big pop as he walks up the ramp. He turns around to look at Flair halfway up. Flair is bewildered. Batista keeps walking up as our hosts put him over as a man of his word.

Backstage, Lita talks to Christy Hemme, and they wish each other well in their respective matches tonight. Edge interrupts the conversation and gets Christy to buzz off. He wants Lita to tell Kane that what he did to Shawn Michaels last week is nothing – nothing! – compared to what he’ll do to Kane tonight. Edge says he’s going to win and face Batista next week for the belt. He stares her down and they sort of half-smile. Then he gets intense again: “Bank on it.” We close-up on Lita’s face as he storms off.

Ad Break.

Backstage, Christian asks Tyson Tomko what the hell just happened with Batista. Maria walks up and asks whether they’re hurt. Christian gives the obvious answer and tells her to go away. He swears this isn’t over.

But wait! Chris Masters is here, and you know what that means.

MASTERLOCK CHALLENGE VI

[Sign: “Chris can Masterlock me anytime”] Masters has better lighting for his entrance this week, or maybe I just didn’t notice it last time. Masters’ apparent personal Referee Jack Doan is in the ring. “After a one-week absence here on Raw, the Masterlock Challenge is back tonight.” And if someone manages to win it, he’ll give them $6,000, as well as a one-way plane ticket to anywhere in the United States – because let’s face it, anywhere is better than Omaha.

Masters searches the crowd. “Come on! This is your second chance in life! This is your chance to get out of this god-awful city.” He finds someone in a Batista shirt. The bell rings, and Doan calls for the bell within six seconds.

Chris Masters wins Masterlock Challenge VI

Stevie Richards is here! He attacks from behind and gets some frantic brawling offense on him. He gets Masters back in the ring, but Masters elbows him. Masters gets a double-leg takedown anyway. He ducks the Polish hammer, but Masters nails him in the back. Stevie gets the chair and seems to be lining up a shot, though, prompting Masters to bail as Doan restrains Richards.

Backstage, Edge is being choked out… by Kane. Kane: “Whatever happens in the ring is one thing, but if you ever talk to my wife again, I will end you. Now, you can bank on that.” Off goes Kane, and Edge sells the neck injury.

Ad Break.

Match #3: Chris Benoit vs Tajiri
ECW Rules Match

King says that ECW always has, and always will, stand for Extremely Crappy Wrestling. JR disagrees. We have a table, and some plunder, outside the ring. Benoit gets some kicks and chops, sending Tajiri into the corner, and he gets a cross-corner whip but charges into the Tarantula already. Referee Jack Doan forces Tajiri to break promptly. Tajiri tries to lock up, but Benoit keeps the chops coming. Benoit ducks a spinning kick and chops Tajiri down. Benoit gets a whip, but Tajiri tries the handspring elbow. It misses, but he lands on his feet. Benoit tries a full-nelson suplex after blocking it, and gets it, but Tajiri lands on his feet! Tajiri gets a kick and tries a baseball slide kick to the outside, but Benoit blocks it and gets a waistlock takedown onto the steel ring steps! Benoit goes underneath the ring and finds a ladder. He puts it into the ring. King keeps railing on ECW, saying that someone’s going to get hurt. Benoit carries Tajiri over to the table in a front chancery, then puts him on it and sets up the ladder in the ring. He climbs it as Tajiri is spread-eagled on the table. Benoit straddles the ladder and unloads the snot rocket, but Jonathan Coachman is here. “General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what’s going on here, so the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.”

Eric Bischoff is here and apologizes for not listening to Coach earlier. Bischoff says that he is officially ending the match right now.

No Contest (3:47)

This gets big boos and an “Asshole” chant. He never sanctioned any ECW chant, and he never would, because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, Bischoff is banning ECW from Raw. It will not be chanted in the building [“ECW!”], it will not be discussed in the locker room, and dammit, if he sees one ECW sign in my building, he will have it confiscated. “And to make my point, I’m going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating in ECW’s One Night Stand.” Yow! “And I am going to ban the letters ECW from Raw. And let me be perfectly clear: the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW’s One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteer group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.”

Backstage, Candice prepares for the pillow fight.

Ad Break.

Match #4: Christy Hemme vs Candice Michelle
“Lingerie Pillow Fight”

The ring contains a setup with a pink bed, several pillows, and Referee Chad Patton. Both combatants strip down to their ring gear and head for the pillows. The feathers fly, and the crowd lights go pink. Christy gets a rollup for the win.

Winner: Christy Hemme via pinfall (1:24)

Post-match, they hug and face the stage to see Viscera walking out in a suit.

“You know, this, uh, sexy lingerie pillow fight is really turning ol’ Big Vis on. And everybody knows wha happens when Big Vis gets turned on.” The participants do know, and they bail and run away.

Viscera: “Well, there’s one thing in particular that really, really has me turned on tonight. And that’s you, Lilian Garcia.” General laughter. “Lilian, I see three things right now. I see me, I see you, and I see a nice plush bed. But there’s only one thing, and one thing only, that’s missing.”

Vis heads outside the ring and walks over. “Like I said, there’s only one thing missing.” He walks over to a fan. “And that’s some food.” He walks over to a woman and gets some cotton handy and a kiss from her. He helps Lilian into the ring, telling her to walk very slowly.

“Now if you don’t mind, Lilian, I’m gonna make myself a little bit more comfortable. Is that all right with you?” He lies down on the bed. “Why don’t you, uh, come over here and join me, please?” Lilian decides to sit down on the opposite corner. He offers her some cotton candy. “I know you want some candy, baby.” He licks some and hands it to her. “Just like that cotton candy, baby, I’ll melt in that sexy little mouth of yours. But you know what, baby? I got another surprise for you. Lights, please.”

The lights go purple. He asks whether that gets her in the mood. She’s almost crying. Vis calls for some music, and he sings Barry White-style! Nice.

He insists that she liked that. But that’s not all — he’s got another surprise: a room key to the local Hilton. “Why don’t you come see me tonight, room 469.” This prompts her to do a double-take and fall off the bed. “I’ll be waiting, Lilian. I’ll be waiting.” Play the music again. Vis collapses on the bed as Lilian walks back outside.

Backstage, Kane talks with Lita, who is freaked out. She doesn’t want to be ringside for the match, but Kane insists on her seeing him dsetroy Edge firsthand. Lita: “Good, because that’s right where I want to be.” They make out. Kiss of death?

Ad Break.

Our hosts introduce a recap video of the Gold Rush tournament, and build up Kane vs Edge.

Backstage, Shelton Benjamin asks Chris Jericho whether he’s OK. He says that obviously it was a fluke that they lost. Jericho says that losing a match isn’t a big deal when you’ve been around as long as Jericho has. Jericho puts over the work he does with VH1 and Fozzy (sold out the London Astoria!) and gives him a copy of his latest Fozzy CD, which got an award from Billboard magazine. He also invites him to their concert in St Louis a few weeks from now. Jericho says that, to him, losing a wrestling match doesn’t mean much. He walks off. Shelton is perplexed and seems to be questioning Jericho’s priorities.

Ad Break.

Match #5: The Hurricane & Rosey (w/ Stacy Keibler) (c) vs Maven & Simon Dean
World Tag Team Titles

Stacy dresses up as a superhero in a show of unity; Maven has purple tights to match Simon. Unity is the order of the day as Rosey gets an elbow and a bodyslam on Maven. Hurricane tags in, and Rosey press-slams him onto Maven for two. Simon breaks up the count. Maven reverses a whip in the ring. Hurricane stops his momentum to kick Simon (who was trying to trip him), but Maven gets a dropkick for two. Simon gets a neckbreaker for two. Simon tags in Maven. They get a double-team suplex. Maven poses and gets a chinlock as Referee Jack Doan, pulling triple duty tonight, admonishes him for using a choke. Simon tags in and gets a snapmare, then uses a unique hold, getting a chinlock while sort of keylocking one arm with his leg. Hurricane gets to his feet and scores with a clothesline. Hurricane tags in Rosey and Maven gets tagged in also, and Rosey gets a series of rights, a whip and a big backdrop. Simon heads up with the Flying Nothing and gets clotheslined. Maven gets hit with a bodyslam by Rosey. Rosey goes for a double noggin knocker, but the heels oth kick him and whip him. But Rosey rolls under a double clothesline, and they are distracted by Stacy dancing. Simon runs into a kick, and Maven gets hit with the Super Eye of the Hurricane for the clean pin.

Winners and still champions: The Hurricane & Rosey via pinfall (3:26)

Smackdown Rebound: Eddie Guerrero answers the question why, and advises Rey not to return at Judgment Day.

Ad Break.

We get another plug for the 2005 diva search, including more pictures.

Randy Orton is HERE! He’s back from major shoulder surgery, and he gets a nice return pop from the crowd.

“It’s bad enough – it’s bad enough being out of action because of the injured shoulder, but what’s even worse, people, is that I have to hear it everywehre I go, the same question.” Stay on Raw? Go to Smackdown? When’s the draft? When’s the draft? He’s sick of the question. [“Randy!”] “Shut your mouth. I got something to say! The answer to that question is simple. I cannot be drafted. I’m on the injured list. I am not eligible to be drafted. Because of two men – Batista, and the Undertaker.” He’s sure Undertaker will stay on Smackdown to avoid the Legend Killer, the smart thing to do. But he wants Batista to protect his world title so that when Orton is cleared to return to action, he can come his way and fulfil his destiny. “I’ll write my own ticket to the hall of fame, and I’m going to do it right here on Raw.” He starts to walk out…

But “No Chance in Hell” stops him! Vincent Kennedy McMahon struts down the ramp, stomping to show that his knees are just fine, and gets a stick.

“I’ll be damned. It’s Randy Orton! What the hell has happened to you?” His clothes are falling off him, he’s got a neck like a sack of dimes, and looks anorexic. Orton pleads shoulder surgery. If he can’t move his arm, how’s he supposed to train?

“With all due respect, talk is cheap, but not quite as cheap as that haircut. What the hell have you done to yourself with that thing?”

Vince says nobody is exempt from this draft lottery. If you’re under contract, you can end up anywhere, regardless of titles or injuries or whatever, so Randy Orton could be drafted.

Orton in his best deep authoritative voice: “With all due respect, I suggest that you realize who you’re talking to. I’m the man that’s gonna carry this company for the next 15 years. I’m the man that came this close, Vince, this close to ending the Deadman’s win streak at Wrestlemania. I’m the man that’s gonna make more money for you than Batista and John Cena combined…” so Vince better be more polite talking to him.

Orton wants answers, like when the draft is. It begins three weeks from tonight, in Orton’s hometown of St Louis. But it won’t end that night; it’ll be an entire month of draft choices: Smackdown superstars jumping to Raw, and vice versa for an entire month. “It’s gonna be the most sensational thing that’s ever been done in the history of this business. And speaking of history, you could very well be making history here tonight by standing in the Raw ring for the very last time.” He suggests that Randy start training and let his hair grow out. “Good luck to you, kid.” He whacks Orton in the shoulder and walks off.

Ad Break.

Match #6: Kane (w/ Lita) vs Edge
Gold Rush Tournament Final: #1 Contendership Match

Kane lights the corners on fire before the match. Edge has his briefcase. [“You screwed Matt!”] Edge tries to use his speed advantage to run away from Kane, but he runs directly into a boot, and Kane unloads the rights in the corner. JR suggests that we not make any sandwiches right now, becuase this match might not last long. Kane gets a vertical suplex for two as Batista looks on backstage. This match does have about 14 more minutes to go… Kane gets a running shoulder thrust in the corner, then gets a right and a chinlock around the top rope. Lita looks on. Kane gets a whip into the corner, but Edge hits him with a drop toe hold that misses the turnbuckle. Edge fires the rights to Kane in the corner. Edge tries a cross-corner whip, but Kane hangs onto the top rope and won’t budge. He dumps Edge and heads outside to follow him. Kane drops Edge throat-first on the security wall. JR puts over Edge’s big mouth. King says Lita can’t wait to tell the world that she’s married to the champ. JR says Edge is really stupid to verbally assault the wife of Kane on the night of his biggest match since 1998. Kane gets a whip and lowers his head for a backdrop. Edge kicks him, but Kane gets a clothesline anyway, and Edge bails to the apron and gets a stungun. Smart. Edge uses clubbing blows to the back, and I gotta question that strategy. Kane chokes him out in the corner. “Vigilant” Mike Chioda tries to break it up, and Kane inadvertently elbows him, knocking him down for a second and giving Edge time to low blow Kane. Edge baseball slides Kane to the outside. Edge sells the throat injuries as Kane recovers on the outside and we head to an Ad Break. (4:09)

Ad Break ends (7:10).

During the break, Kane hit a two-handed choke powerbomb out of the corner, but Edge hit a dropkick to the knee, and when we return, he’s wrenching the knee. Edge uses a chop block. Edge sends Kane outside and uses a series of elbowdrops to the knee out there. He heads back in as Kane struggles back into the ring. Edge heads to the second turnbuckle and hits a flying stomp to the bad knee. Edge poses and smiles, allowing Kane to kick him a few times while overcoming the knee injury, but Edge puts Kane’s left foot on the bottom rope and elbowdrops the knee. Nice. Edge goes back to the standard elbowdrop in the ring. Edge goes to a leglock, but Kane uses the good leg to legdrop Edge repeatedly in the head! Edge has no choice but to break, and Kane gets up with a series of rights that back Edge in the corner. Kane is feeling it. He gets a clothesline into the corner. But he walks into an elbow… but Edge’s Flying Nothing is met with a clothesline for two. Kane, whose knee seems to have recovered just fine, hits Snake Eyes and a clothesline for two. But Edge ducks a boot and hits the Edge-O-Matic for two. Edge lines up the spear! But he walks directly into the goozle. Edge grabs “Vigilant” Mike Chioda’s collar, pokes Kane in the eye, and hits the Edgecution… for two! Edge lines up the spear again. Kane dodges, but Edge elbows him. But Edge runs directly into a sidewalk slam. Kane smiles. Kane thinks Tombstone, but Edge sneaks out the backdoor, shoves Kane into Chioda, and hits the spear! But Chioda’s down, and Edge has no idea what to do… and KANE SITS UP. Edge grabs his briefcase, and lines up a running briefcase shot… which is met with a boot. Lita gets the briefcase for safekeeping. Kane starts to head outside to head up, and Lita slips Edge the briefcase! Oh… no. Kane tries the flying clothesline, but Edge drills him with the briefcase, and Lita revives Chioda! Chioda slowly crawls over and counts the three.

Winner: Edge via pinfall (14:24)

And the world’s worst-kept secret is now out! Post-match, Edge and Lita celebrate, looking over Kane. They head up the ramp, and Edge is still smiling. Kane sits up in the ring. Edge starts to head back, but Lita grabs him by the arm and now they tongue-wrestle at the top of the stage. Kane gathers himself and figures out what’s going on. And now he’s just a bit angry as we show the credits.

JR sneaks in one last line as we fade out: “What are you thinking? You damn harlot!”

I guess we’ll find out next week. And that’s all for tonight.