411’s WWE Raw Report 05.29.06

Tonight’s Raw is dedicated to the men and women of the Armed Forces in honor of Memorial Day! I’m always in favor of things like this.

**No chance – that’s what you’ve got…**

Vince McMahon makes his way down the ramp and to the ring to announce our new Raw General Manager. Tonight – Triple H takes on Kenny and Mick Foley goes face to face with Paul Heyman.

Vince on the mic: Oh, I’m happy. I am happy to be here tonight! But that wasn’t the case several weeks ago when I wasn’t happy at all. Quite frankly – nothing as many of you know can be worse than a family witnessing one of their own actually suffer. Which is what happened to my son Shane – need I remind you.

They show when Triple H nailed Shane.

Vince: Triple H was simply there…look – Triple H was there to do a job on Shawn Michaels. That’s not what happened. Then Triple H emphatically stated to me that was an accident. Not withstanding the accident – there was no doubt it was an act of negligence. I would like to state that even though my son Shane has had a succession of migraine headaches – he’s doing much better. Love you Shano. However, the reason for my jubilance tonight is that Shawn Michaels is no more! Shawn Michaels was taken out last week by something known as the Spirit Squad. If you didn’t see it – take another look….

They show last week.

Vince: Oh baby – right across the knee! Like a pack of wolves the Spirit Squad doing exactly what I asked them to do. Shawn Michaels will never be the same. Well….and if you don’t mind – this is probably rude I’d like to have a word with Shawn Michaels. Shawn….I know you’re upset – I know you’re gonna have to (ASSHOLE chants) – I know you’re hurt, you’re upset. I know you have to go under the knife. I wanted to let you know there’s a place for you in the WWE, and you can – (HBK chants) – see they still remember you Shawn. You can set the ring up, be a timekeeper, maybe be the ring announcer. Get well Shawn. As good as I felt about all of that there was a bit of an emptiness in my heart. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I reviewed the tape.

They show last week when Triple H failed to do his job.

Vince: Now, what the hell is that? And what the hell is this? What the hell is going on in my ring? Who the hell does Triple H think he is? Well….that’s an interesting question. Who does Triple H think he is? There’s been an accident with my son – there’s that mishap last week. Triple H will show his true colors tonight when he goes one-on-one with the phenomenal Kenny of the Spirit Squad. Wait – oh that’s right. I’m supposed to announce a new GM here tonight. I’ve looked at a number of candidates, but none of them really lived up to my qualifications. I was hopeful of announcing a new GM, but I can’t so I’ll tell you what I can do. But I have hired a new executive assistant, and would you please welcome my new executive assistant – Jonathan Coachman!

Coach appears from the back in a suit and with a microphone in hand.

Coach: Mr. McMahon – thank you very much. Per the order of my direct boss, Mr. McMahon, the following matches will be commencing live tonight here on Raw. The WWE Champion, John Cena, will be in action here tonight. Now, John Cena will be facing a man that he has never faced before. I’ll leave that up to you all to speculate on who that might be. We do realize that John Cena is scheduled to defend the WWE Championship against RVD at One Night Stand. But the fact remains that in 4 weeks time, Raw has a PPV event of its own – Vengeance. Which is why we’ve decided tonight there will be a #1 contender’s match between two former WWE Champions. On one side it will be the Rated R Superstar, Edge, taking on the 7-foot, 500 pound, Big Show. Now, the winner of that match will face the WWE Champion at Vengeance whoever he may be. And tonight there will be a championship defended here on Raw – Shelton Benjamin will put the IC Title on the line against Kane. One more thing on a personal note – Mr. McMahon I would sincerely like to thank you for this incredible opportunity.

Vince: Coach, Coachman, Jonathan – I’d like to see Triple H in my office right away. Now Coach made reference to it – let’s get Raw started with a big bang now.

**BOOOOM**

Kane makes his way to the ring.

**Ain’t no stopping me noooooooow**

And making his way to the ring from Augsburg, South Carolina – the Intercontinental Champion, Shelton Benjamin.

Match 1: Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin

Shelton attacks, but Kane lands a big right. Kane looking for a vertical suplex, but Shelton slides off the back and lands an ineffective right. Kane lands a right of his own that sends Shelton to the mat. Big boot to the head of Shelton and he is knocked to the outside.

Ad Break (:38)

Ad Break Ends (3:38)

We’re back live with Shelton in control with a reverse chinlock locked in. He got the advantage by reversing a shoulder breaker on the outside by slamming Kane’s face into the ringpost during the break. Finally, Kane counters the hold and sends Shelton asses up. Kane up to his feet, but Shelton quickly sends him back down with a big superkick. Kane sits up out of nowhere. Clothesline by Kane. Big uppercut from Kane. Kane sends Shelton into the turnbuckle and follows up quickly with a clothesline. He sends Shelton into the other, Shelton comes off, and Kane lands a sideslam. Kane heading to the top rope…..comes off and lands the big clothesline. Kane calling for the chokeslam! GOOZLE! Shelton reverses it into a rollup, feet on the ropes, and gets a two. Kane misses a clothesline. Catches Shelton in a spinning heel kick and lifts him up on his shoulders. Shelton with another resourceful counter into a DDT. Didn’t look good. Shelton goes buckle to buckle with a Stinger splash! He goes for another, but Kane catches him in a goozle and slams him to the mat! Of course, the voices are back with the mask on the screen. Some Kane-like music is played, and a Kane look-alike appears from the back with the long hair and mask. He makes his way to the ring, steps over the top rope, and comes face to face with the real Kane. Kane is sad. Goozle by the fake Kane! Big chokeslam! And he lights the ringposts on fire and heads to the back. Give me a break.

No Contest (7:40)

Ad Break

We are back and JR is still shocked about what just transpired.

Carlito talks with Coach in the back who was looking for Triple H. He runs into Armando Alejandro Estrada. He tells him that if Mr. McMahon ever needs anything he is the man to ask. Coach says he needs to find Triple H. Viscera grabs Estrada and slams him up against the wall. Viscera is pissed that Umaga got into his business last week. Big Vis says tonight he will seek revenge.

Vince welcomes Triple H into his office. Triple H asks if there is a problem because Vince made the #1 contender’s match without him in it. Triple H said he was doing what Vince wanted last week until Kenny got involved. Vince says Triple H will be taking on Kenny with all four other members in every other corner. Vince calls it a Spirit Jack match. Triple H says that’s fabulous – but just so “we’re clear – I’m going to destroy Kenny tonight. And if the rest of the Spirit Jack-offs decide they want to get involved then maybe I’ll bring a friend with me.” Of course…that friend is the great equalizer – sledgy!

Ad Break

We’re back. King tells us about the Heyman-Foley face-off scheduled for tonight. Also, in the main event Edge will defeat Big Show in a #1 contender’s match.

**The world’s largest love machine…Viscera**

Viscera makes his way to the ring. Lilian has a twinkle in her eye.

Umaga attacks from behind. Side-step face planter by Umaga on the steel ramp way!

Match 2: Umaga vs. Viscera

Umaga slides Viscera into the ring and the ref calls for the bell. Umaga to the top rope! And he comes off with a big splash! They keep panning to Lilian who looks concerned. AAE calls for the thumb of destruction and there it is! That’s all she wrote.

WINNER: Umaga (:30)

So much for the revenge, Viscera. Do NOT mess with AAE.

Another “special” look at See No Evil.

Torrie Wilson and Beth Phoenix talk in the back with Trish Stratus. They walk.

Ad Break

**Torrie’s music hits…**

Beth Phoenix, Torrie Wilson, and Trish Stratus make their way to the ring.

**I ain’t the lady to mess with….**

And making their way to the ring – the team of Victoria and Candice Michelle. Mickie James is escorting them.

Match 3: Torrie Wilson and Beth Phoenix vs. Victoria and Candice Michelle

Lockup – Victoria lands a big right. Beth lands one in exchange. Victoria lands another, but Beth lands a flurry of rights. Victoria off the ropes and Beth lands a sidewalk slam. Tag to Torrie. There’s some nice double team work by the two with some arm wringers and a big chest slam. Torrie throws Victoria into the buckle and lands a clothesline. Torrie pulls up her tights into her ass crack and lands a stink face to Victoria. Victoria is pissed and pounds the shit out of her. Standing scoop slam and a tag to Candice. Candice lands some stomps. Go Daddy dance and a big elbow drpo. Cover gets two. Candice with a snapmare and a tag to Victoria who misses a springboard from the outside to the inside. Torrie gets the hot tag to Beth and also a tag to Candice. Beth taking care of both women now. Boot to Candice and she lands a gutwrench. Victoria kicked out of the ring. Sit-down slam by Beth and she gets the cover for the win. Very impressed by Beth Phoenix.

WINNERS: Torrie Wilson and Beth Phoenix (3:00)

Mickie and company are pissed off on the outside s the three faces celebrate in the ring. Triple H will wrestle Kenny tonight in a Spirit-Jack match. And who could forget – John Cena is in action against a mystery opponent.

Ad Break

King is on the mic degrading ECW.

King: Have you people seen Tazz lately? He’s a joke-cracking, King Lawler wannabe. I don’t crawl around on my hands and knees with an orange towel on my hand. ECW is a bunch of wannabes. Who needs ECW?

**RVD’s music hits**

Rob….Van….Dam appears from the back. RVD stares down King and takes a seat at the booth. RVD tells King that at least Tazz knows when to hang up the boots. King tells him he is in the big-time now. RVD says that these people are going to see the real him and they’re gonna like it.

**MNM’s music hits**

It’s Johnny Nitro and Melina!!! YEEEEEEEESS!! Melina on Monday Nights baby!! Sorry Smackdown boys. The best entrance in wrestling…..Oh…My….God.

**Cena’s music hits**

And making his way to the ring from Westerbury, Massachusetts – the WWE Champion, John Ceeeena.

Match 4: Johnny Nitro vs. John Cena

Nitro takes a snapshot of Cena. Cena lands a big right and throws Nitro into the turnbuckle. And now he sends him back. Nitro moves out of the way and lands a springboard leg drop. Another innovative legdrop. Big rights and stomps. Nitro stomps on Cena in the corner. Nitro sends Cena into the other buckle and follows up with a big knee to the midsection. Cena chants. Forearms to the back by Nitro. Cena off the ropes and he lands a right. Nitro fights back with one of his own. Cena gains contorl with lefts and rights. Cena off the ropes and lands a flying shoulder block. Two clotheslines from Cena. Sit-down powerbomb to Nitro. Cena calls for it – You can’t see me…..Five Knuckle Shuffle! F U upcoming……and he got it. STFU locked in….and Nitro taps.

WINNER: John Cena (3:04)

I sure hope this isn’t their plans for Nitro and Melina on Raw. Embarrassing. Cena celebrates with the title and stares down RVD. RVD stands up and makes his way towards the ring. He’s up on the apron now. Nitro tries to attack from behind, but Cena sidesteps and sends Nitro into RVD.

Ad Break

The WWE Rewind is the Foley/Edge and Dreamer/Funk showdown from last week.

Mick Foley and Paul Heyman are in the ring each behind a stand.

Mick: Thank you – it sure was great to see Melina right here in Tacoma, Washington. That’s not why we’re here is it Paul. Last week you called me a prostitute. Charges to which I plead guilty. I mean kind of – let’s face it, Paul, everybody in the WWE does things they don’t want to do to get to the top. If you tuned into men of principle taking stands then you’re in the wrong damn place. You see Paul the only difference between the ECW Mick Foley and the current WWE Mick Foley is that I traded in a low-life pimp like you for a billion dollar pimp like Vince McMahon. Where I begin to become a little bit vexed is where I hear that this little ONS pay-per-view is being assembled where Edge and I are going to take on the legendary Terry Funk and the innovator of violence, Tommy Dreamer. And I don’t see where you begin to get off claiming they are what hardcore is all about. Not after Edge and I stole the show, set new standards about what Hardcore is all about. I wish you luck, Paul, with your pot-smoking, porn-addicted, Mick Foley rip-offs.

Paul: Wow, wow – I really miss that locker room that you described, Mick. And your comments would be a lot more inviting to me if they just didn’t come from a guy who spent his entire career as a Terry Funk ripoff.

Mick: Alright – I’ll admit right here in front of the world that Terry Funk was the greatest wrestler I ever saw. I’ll admit Tommy Dreamer was as tough as anyone I ever entered the ring with. But they didn’t have the guts to…

Paul: Pull a sock out of their pants and make Vince McMahon laugh when he was in the hospital. Tell me Mick – how many shots did you get at the title before you pulled the sock from your pants?

Mick: Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer’s problem was that they had bingo hall balls. They didn’t have the guts to do what I did. The gutsiest move I ever made was wandering out of my comfort zone to the great wide unknown and becoming one of the greatest stars this company has ever seen. You don’t have me because I sold out. You hate me because I had the audacity to realize on my own what everybody did sooner or later. The future for ECW went four ways – a drunk, a drug addict, a convict, or a corpse! (OUCH)

Paul: No, no – you still don’t get it. I don’t resent yo uat all. My problem is not what you accomplished it’s what you’ve become. It’s that you took your legacy and threw it away to become a cheap shot taking, Lita hand smooching, Edge ass kissing whore. Listen it goes like this – at ECW ONS you and Edge are going to experience first hand that Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk are more than capable of living up to the standards that you set at ECW and that you and Edge set at WM. That’s what’s going to happen. While you are there I want you and Edge to pay attention to the new vision for ECW because ECW won’t just be about barbed-wire and tables and steel chairs – we’ll still have some of that. It’ll be a whole lot more. ECW is coming back full-time – it’s open season. Anybody from Raw and Smackdown is more than welcome to jump to ECW. And in addition to that – Vince has given me two draft picks.

Mick: And let me guess your draft pick – Rob Van Dam. It’s a great pick Paul. He loved the old ECW and I’m sure he’ll like the new one. The only reason he liked the ECW so much was because he truly was a high….flyer (meaning a pot smoker).

Paul: When RVD beats John Cena for the WWE Title and christens it the ECW World Title – you see RVD will be witnessed by the ECW audience and everybody who watches Raw and Smackdown and my Smackdown draft pick who happens to be….

Mick: Let me guess – he’s a scarred up, used up, Mick Foley reject….who is he Paul we’re dying to know.

Paul: He’s somebody who embodies the new vision for ECW. My pick from Smackdown embodies exactly what the new vision for ECW will be. I’d like to introduce you to him Mick. Because he’s here tonight…..

**Kurt Angle’s music hits**

Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring. Holy SHIT! Angle hits the ring and pounds on Foley with rights and headbutts. Straps are off!! ANGLE SLAM!

Ad Break

This Week in Wrestling was when Andre the Giant debuted on June 1, 1971. I really wish I had that WWE 24/7 channel.

**WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL…well it’s the Big Show…**

Big Show makes his way to the ring for this #1 Contender’s Match.

**You think you know me…..**

And making his way to the ring from Toronto, Canada – Edge! And leading him to the ring, of course, is the lovely Lita.

Match 5: Big Show vs. Edge

Show tries to attack, but Edge ducks under and lands some rights. Show quickly reverses that and throws Edge back. Big headbutt by Show sends Edge sprawling to the mat. Shhhhhh…….big chest slap! Shhhhhh again……and another big slap. Show steps on the back of Edge. Edge off the ropes and Show lands a big boot. Show off the ropes, but Lita grabs his leg and Show pulls her into th ering. Edge pounding away on Show now with some rights. Headbutt from Show sends Edge back. Irish whip by Show, misses a clothesline, but catches Edge in a flying body press and drops him on top of the turnbuckle. Edge rolls to the outside, but Show goes out to get him. Edge counters and drops Show across the top rope. Edge to the top rope, but Show catches him and slams him to the mat. Edge resting in the corner…..head of steam by Show, but Edge drop toe holds Show’s face across the top buckle. Edge on the second rope grabs Show and lands an impaler DDT! Edge looking for the spear! Show catches him in a GOOZLE! Edge grabs hold of the referee and whips him across the ring. Edge gets out of the goozle and goes to grab a chair. Edge goes for the big chair shot, but Show punches it out of hte way. Show with a goozle and there is Lita with the nut shot! The referee is helping Lita out of the ring and Edge uses the chair and nails Show in the face! SPEAR! There’s the count and the win! #1 Contender is EDGE!

WINNER: Edge (3:53)

We take yet another look at See No Evil. Good Lord.

Ad Break

Smackdown Rebound is JBL’s worst night ever.

Triple H walks in the back and runs into Vince. Vince wants to clear the air and wishes Triple H the best of luck. Vince wants to try sledgy on for size. Vince remembers how Triple H accidentally hit Shane with it two weeks ago and should have used it on Shawn last week. Vince says he doesn’t think Triple H needs sledgy and walks off with it.

Ad Break

We’re back and Spirit Squad is in the ring. They introduce Kenny with a cheer and he makes his way to the ring.

**Time to play the game……**

And making his way to the ring – weighing in at 265 pounds, Triple H.

Match 6: Spirit Jack Match: Kenny vs. Triple H

Kenny tries to attack from behind, but Triple H catches him and nails him with a right. And another. Kenny off the ropes, grabs hold, and slides to the outside. Kenny goes after him, but Kenny drops him across the top rope. Triple H reverses an irish whip and sends Kenny to the buckle and lands a vicious back elbow. Rake to the eyes by Kenny. Big right from Kenny and another. Irish whip reversed again, duck under a clothesline, and the Game lands a high knee. Boot to the midsection – pedigree coming, but Mitch breaks it up. Triple H goes to the outside and makes Mitch pay by sending him face first into the steps. Triple H back in the ring – Kenny charges in, but Triple H drops the top rope and Kenny goes to the outside. We go to an…

Ad Break (2:07)

Ad Break Ends (5:02)

We’re back and Triple H is still in control. Kenny rolls to the outside, but Triple H again chases him out and Mitch comes out of nowhere off the trampoline with a big clothesline. The entire Squad stomps away on Triple H on the outside. They roll him into the ring – cover gets a two. Irish whip by Kenny and he lands a big back elbow. Another two count. More cheapshot work from Mitch and Mikey. Kenny measures Triple H and misses on a head of steam. Triple H moves out of the way and Kenny’s shoulder went right into the ring post. The other members of SS are detaining the referee while Johnny measures Triple H for that beautiful roundhouse front kick. Kenny covers and gets another two. Kenny throws Triple H to the outside again. The other four members do their job on Triple H and stomp away on him. A Kenny Sucks chant starts to ring out. Triple H back in the ring. Kenny calls for the Sweet Chin Music! Whiffs! DDT by The Game! Triple H and Kenny exchanging rights now. Triple H backs him into the corner and Kenny reverses a whip and sends Triple H into the corner. Kenny with a head of steam and gets the boot from Triple H. Two members pull Triple H down and wrap his nuts around the ringpost. Chop block to the knee and Kenny gets another two count. Kenny working over the knee some more similar to what they did to HBK last week. Cover by Kenny and another two. More work on the left knee of the Game. The ref is distracted as one member holds Triple H’s knee and Kenny climbs the top rope. Triple H shoves Nicky into the ropes and that drops Kenny on HIS nuts!! Chioda counts both guys down and it gets up to five. Triple H fighting out of the corner. Triple H off the ropes – facebuster! Clothesline by Triple H! Triple H backs Kenny into the corner and lands several rights sending Kenny to the mat. Triple H charges in and Kenny gets the foot up. Kenny off the ropes – SPINEBUSTER by the Game! Boot – pedigree coming, but the SS members are up on the apron and Triple H fights them off. Kenny misses a clothesline – PEDIGREE! 1….2…..3!

WINNER: Triple H (13:04)

The Spirit Squad members are on the attack. They are pounding the hell out of Triple H! He’s out on the floor now. Each members take their turn with big rights. They slam Triple H into the announcer’s booth. Johnny has a steel chair now! Triple H rolls over to the timekeeper’s spot and comes up with SLEDGY!! Missed chair shot and Triple H is taking everyone out with the sledgehammer now. Triple H is left in the ring alone.

Vince on the mic: That was very impressive. Congrats Triple H on rising to the occasion. Tremendous. You rose to the occasion. You met the challenge this week – again, congratulations. Oh wait….I have another challenge for you next week, though. I see you joining a certain club. Hey, how bout next week on Raw Triple H joins the Mr. McMahon Kiss My Ass Club?

Well, that’s something to look forward to, I guess.

Final Note: Guys, it was brought to my attention by another 411 Staff Member that another website completely copied my Raw Report last week word for word. I would never do this douchebag the favor of saying which website it was, but I will say that the name on the report is Steve Carrier. I exchanged e-mails with this dude several times telling him to delete the report. He was nothing but a complete jackass. Soooo…….I set a deadline. If the report wasn’t gone from the site by this exact time trouble would ensue. Please flood this cheat’s inbox with e-mails letting him know where to find the absolute best Raw Report on the web – 411mania! Here is his e-mail: [email protected]. He answers to Steve, Mr. Carrier, and most commonly – douchebag. See ya’ll next week!