411’s WWE Raw Report 08.22.05

BACKGROUND MATERIAL

Csonka! and MSD! (and Bill Simmons!!) have your Summerslam wrap, and JD says there’s going to be a Breakdown coming soon. I’m sort of disappointed I missed it; sounds like a show I would’ve liked. Well, except for Hogan going over Shawn, but even that made sense as a send-the-fans-home-happy ending.

Randle has the Experience and is remarkably reserved in his analysis of Randy Orton being the first guy to beat the Undertaker cleanishly.

Sarnecky has the enormous results of the Ultimate Wrestling Survey.

Furious has some Colt Cabana love.

Professor Newton Gimmick has Hulkamania and nudity in the always-awesome Saturday Sentinel.

Sforcina plays Cook in the Sunday news.

Csonka has some feedback from acclaimed wrestling minds to his “It’s Not OK” article.

Fried has the end of the bWo. Csonka has Hogan Knows Best. JT has another wild and wacky Byte This.

Over in Sports, Yayo has a huge football primer to kick off Football Preview Week. Tomorrow, Ryan Smith will preview one of the North divisions (forget which one), and some time this week, I’ll have overly long write-ups on the Wests. If you put them together they might add up to one Csonka column.

And if you’ve been living under a rock, Rant Wars is back!

Only two more left? Time flies. Let’s do this.

411’s WWE RAW REPORT 08.22.05

Shawn Michaels is here to a thunderous ovation as we’re live and cold from Hampton, Virginia! [“HBK!”] “Here I am. And as much as it hurts me to have to admit this, last night, Hulk Hogan was the better man.” [Mixed reaction!] “But you — you had to be there to — to appreciate it. It was amazaing, it wasi ncredible, he was — he was catlike, he was agile, he was nimble, he had a, he had a, a catch-as-catch-can style that even yours truly, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels, quite honestly, couldn’t figure out. I mean, his cunning prowess was in so many ways and on so many levels superior to mine that I simply could not compete, and when it was over, even I, the evil Shawn Michaels, found myself falling victim like so many before me to the vicious legdrop, one, two, three.” Clique hand sign. Heh.

“Now, back to our regularly-scheduled programming, and back to reality. And the reality is this: Hulk Hogan is now on a jet back to Florida, until you, the WWE fan, can give him what he wants. And I, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels, am here tonight to give you exactly what you want. The showstopper, and with that said –“

Chris Masters is here! He makes his full entrance in his ring gear. “Shawn Michaels, you know something, Shawn? I’ve always admired you, seriously. I mean, I’ve watched you ever since I was a kid, and I mean, little kid. And come to think of it, how old does that makes you, Shawn? Huh? Let’s face it, you’re not exactly the sexy boy anymore. When do you finally gonna give it up, huh? See that’s the problem nowadays, is guys like you and guys like Hulk Hogan don’t know when it’s time to step down and pass the torch.”

“WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Now, hey, I was feeling you there for a minute until you put me in a class with Hulk Hogan. Now that is hitting below the belt, brother.” Pop. “Now look. Hey – you’re talking to the showstopper, kid. Nobody appreciates what you’re trying to do more than me, aight? You’re coming out here and trying to steal the spotlight — I’m cool with that, you see, but I need you to understand, you might – you might just be biting off a little more than you’re ready to chew. All I’m saying.”

“Hey, HBK! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not trying to steal the spotlight, I’ve taken it.” Boos!

Shawn mocks Masters’ pose. “Heh. You’re gonna — as we go along this, I’m gonna give you some lessons, greenhorn, and it’s gonna take a little more than standing around like that to steal the spotlight, but I digress. The problem with you kids today is you don’t even know enough to know that you don’t know. You know? Look, you’ll get that one tomorrow. You see, there’s a pecking order. A ladder. A ladder, if you will. There’s HBK at the top of the ladder, and then, and then there’s you know, there’s Chris Masters, not, not at the top of the ladder. You want to get to the top, you figure the best way is to push off HBK. I’m digging it, kid. You got the cojones to come out here, I’m all over that. The think you have to understand is, up here at the top, it gets a little hard to breathe. When you’re way up on top, the air’s a little thin.”

“Hey Shawn, y’know, that’s kind of funny ’cause it seems like the air’s a little thin up there” — points to his head

“OH! OH! OH MY GOODNESS!” Shawn mavels at the brilliance, and once again agrees “I know what you want. Let’s do this thing.”

They slug it out in the middle. Masters with a kneelift. Whip… Shawn with a flying forearm! Masters bails out of the ring and decides not to get back in. [“HBK!”]

Carlito’s guest on the Cabana is Ric Flair!

Backstage, Chris Jericho tells Eric Bischoff that he had Cena beat last night. Cena got lucky. Bischoff agrees. “But tonight, John Cena’s luck runs out.” Bischoff gives Cena a rematch: a “You’re Fired” match. Bischoff fires the loser, John Cena. Jericho: “Mr Bischoff, you are a genius. Tonight is going to be our night.” Bischoff will be ringside during the match just to observe and to crown the new WWE Champion, Chris Jericho. They laugh and hug. And they hug again.

Ad Break.

Match #1: Kurt Angle vs Shelton Benjamin

NICE! They lock up. Angle gets a wristlock. Chain wrestling to start. Shelton gets a waistlock. Angle reverses to a headlock, but Shelton gets a back suplex to break it. Angle: “The fuck is that?” Our hosts put over that the next Kurt Angle is an evil, vicious Kurt Angle. I approve. Shelton gets a takedown, to a waistlock and a waistlock takedown. Angle gets up and reverses to an armwringer. Angle goes for Regal’s neckbreaker, but Shelton blocks it and takes him down again. They go to the ropes to break. Referee Chad Patton is back from his one-week vacation. They line each other up, and then Angle gets a kick and the Fujiwara armbar. Shelton gets up to his knees, to his feet, and Angle decides to go to the wristlock again. Shelton springboards off the top rope with a backflip to reverse, and then gets an armdrag! WOW. Another armdrag, and Shelton gets the no-modifiers armbar. Angle gets to his feet, and slugs Shelton with a right. Armdrag by Angle, and Angle taunts Benjamin. Ducks a clothesline and tries the German, but Benjamin lands on his feet! Shelton taunts Angle. Angle is pissed and charges… but Shelton casually dumps him and talks trash as Angle recovers on the outside. This match is kicking ass so far… Ad Break. (3:19)

Ad Break ends (5:52)

During the break, Angle also got a belly-to-belly suplex to the outside. Ouch. We’re back with Shelton kicking out, and now Angle locks in a rear chinlock while grapevining the left leg. Shelton releases his leg and gets to his feet to elbow out. Shelton gets a whip into the corner, but nobody’s home on the charge. German suplex! It gets two. And TWO. Angle is annoyed, so he goes to a series of stomps and a blatant choke. Angle gets the uppercut forearm. He stomps the head and gets an overhead bellyto-belly for two. And TWO. Angle gets a bodyscissors and just tries to squeeze as much as possible. Crowd is red-hot. Shelton has to kick out once, and he’s fading as Patton asks the question. Shelton tries to elbow out. He gets to his feet and elbows out, but Angle comes back with a forearm. [“Let’s go Angle! / Let’s go Shelton!”] Hard whip into the corner, but Shelton dodges the blind charge, and Angle runs straight into a big spinebuster! Double-KO time. Patton starts the 10-count as the crowd is with him every step of the way. Both men get up at 7, and Shelton blocks a right and gets four rights of his own. Angle reverses a whip, but Shelton gets a forearm and a clothesline, and another clothesline. Shelton gets a whip into th ecorner, but Angle elbows him to block the Stinger splash. Angle runs nito the Samoan drop, though, and Shelton gets a near fall. Shelton gets a whip but dropkicks air as Angle stops himself, and now Angle tries the ankle lock. Shelton kicks Angle off before it can get locked in, though. Angle blocks the superkick… SPINNING LEG LARIAT! It gets two. Shelton heads up a bit slowishly… POP-UP SUPERPLEX! That gets two. Angle is up, and DOWN… COME… THE STRAPS. OLYMPIC SL-NO! Shelton hangs up in the air forEVER… DDT! Great spot. One… two… NO! Shelton lines up Mister Exploder… BLOCKED! Single-leg takedown! ANKLE LOCK! With the grapevine! Shelton realizes he’s sunk and taps.

Winner: Kurt Angle via submission (12:55)

Awesome free-TV match. Hopefully this kickstarts the next chapter in the Shelton push.

Angle heads outside and gets his chair, and heads back in. And he stands on it for Patton to put his medals on, with the lights dimmed and red, white and blue. Heh. He walks backstage as the announcers put over just how dangerous and sadistic Angle is.

Ad Break.

JR thanks YOU for watching Summerslam last night.

Kerwin White: “That’s Kerwin W-H-I-T-E White! You know, I represent middle-class America, which means that I represent all of you. In fact, I’m the official spokesman of middle-class America. I’m just here to say what all of you are thinking but are too scared to say yourselves. But seriously, let’s take tonight. Shelton Benjamin erstled Kurt Angle, our Olympic hero, and all of you gave Shelton exactly what he deserved: a polite applause. Yay Shelton! Because let’s face it. Racism and prejudice run rampant in America, and especially right here in the Tidewater area. But come on! I’m just saying what all of you are thinking, and you know I’m right. But don’t get me wrong. Shelton Benjamin’s an incredible athlete. He’s one of the best athletes I’ve ever seen. But Shelton Benjamin is not one of us, and he never, ever will be. And why? Because Shelton Benjamin is not — WHITE! And America, don’t forget, if it’s not White, it’s not right.” K-dub snaps his fingers and whistles as he heads off in his golf cart.

Maria walks around backstage humming until Gene Snitsky remarks her wonderful foot, which just got a pedicure. Snitsky wants to tell a story. Maria wants to go, but Snitsky requests her presence for a story involving the foot. “This little piggy went to market…” “You know, Maria, I betcha these toes are very tasty. I think –“

Big Show puts his foot in the way to intercept him. Show slaps him and calls him for a weirdo for trying to suck Maria’s feet. Snitsky heads off. Show tells Maria to avoid toe-sucking perverts whenever possible. Maria asks what a pervert is. Show pledges to tell her as they walk off into the sunset.

Matt Hardy is not dead, and he’s in action next!

Ad Break.

Match #2: Matt Hardy vs Rob Conway

Oh shit! He’s jobbing already? Actually, I guess you could say that about either guy. The bell rings, and Edge‘s music hits, so he and Lita watch from the announce table as Conway beats on Matt in the corner with the element of surprise. Referee Chris Kay tries to get them to break it up in the corner. Edge and Lita sit on the announce desk as Edge brags about having performed legalized assault, as promised. Hardy blocks a right and wins the slugfest. But Conway ducks a third and gets a sleeper. Matt backs him into the corner. He gets a back suplex, but Conway hangs on. Matt can’t escape until he gets a jawbreaker to finally make his way out. Matt’s abandage is coming off. Conway runs into a series of rights. Matt clotheslines Conway in the corner. Conway reverses, but Matt reverses too and gets a series of forearms to the back of the head as Kay tries to get him to stop. Matt is selling the concussion pretty well. He runs into a dropkick from Conway, though, and Conway heads up. JR says “high-risk district” as Coach is rolling over in his grave. Matt intercepts him and they slug it out. Conway punches Matt off! FLYING ELBOW! One… two… THREE?!

Winner: Rob Conway via pinfall (3:53)

Continuity, I guess. The hosts insist Matt should’ve taken the night off. Is this Matt’s ‘punishment?’ If this was all a work, they’re doing a great job with the booking of the actual confrontations themselves. Edge runs down to the ring to pick up the bones and beat on Matt. He slugs it out in the ring with him, then drapes his head over the apron, jams it between the steel steps and the ring in the corner… and then hits the steps with a running boot. OUCH! Edge and Lita pose at the top of the ramp to taunt Matt, who gets attended to by the medics.

Promised for tonight:
– Big Show vs Gene Snitsky
– Ric Flair on Carlito’s Cabana – NEXT!

Ad Break.

Carlito is here! “Back by popular demand: Carlito’s Cabana! And it’s a big one tonight – Carlito needs an apple for this one. Ladies and gentlemen, Carlito’s excited because he has a very special guest tonight.” [“WOO!”] “He quite possibly is the greatest guest in the history of my Cabana. Apparently you guys know who he is. Ladies and gentlemen — the Nature Boy, Ric Flair!”

Ric Flair is back! “Ladies and gentlemen, Ric Flair!” [“Woo!”] “And Nature Boy, welcome to Carlito’s Cabana.” [Boos]

“Carlito’s Cabana, welcome to Flair Country! Woo! Woo!”

“What’s with all that Woo stuff? Carlito’s trying to Woo. Carlito can Woo better than you. Woo! Woo!” He’s not terrible. “You know what? Woo is not cool anyway.” [“Flair!”] “OK, OK, OK, relax, relax, relax. We’re not here to talk about Wooing. We’re here to talk about you. You see, Carlito remembers the legendary matches, the legendary battles with Carlito’s own father, the great Carlos Colon. You guys battled all over the Caribbean. Carlito used to sit down in the coliseums, right about there. Not in those cheap seats up there with all those broke people. And Carlito would watch. My father said you weren’t all that great, but I think — well, actually, now that I’m standing in the ring with you, I guess he was right. OK, OK, you won the world title 16 times. Big deal. That also means you’ve lost the title 16 times. I mean, anybody can win as amny matches as he loses. Now Carlito, on the other hand — he’s a one-time Intercontinental Champion. Which — which happens to be a title that you never won. And by being a one-time Intercontinental Champion, that means that nobody’s beaten me for this title. And that? I’ll take it from here. That’s cool. Ric Flair, on the other hand, you’re not cool.”

“You’re right, son. I’m not cool. I am very simply the Nature Boy — WOO! Ric Flair! A limousine-riding, jet-flying, kiss-stealing, WOO, wheeling, dealing, sonofagun! That your father referred to as the King of the Caribbean. But whether it was the Caribbean or Flair Country, every woman had three words to say to the ol’ Naitch: ‘All night long.’ WOO!”

Carlito spits the apple. Flair pokes him in the eye! Flair with a right! Flair removes Carlito’s shirt and unloads punches in the corner. Chop! Chop! Chop! Whip by Flair… another chop! Shinbreaker! Carlito bails to the outside. Flair elbowdrops his own jacket. He’s back! He struts in the ring as Carlito decides he’s had enough. Play Flair’s music as he unleashes 39 Woos and Carlito heads up the ramp.

Ad Break.

Match #3: The Big Show vs Gene Snitsky

Snitsky gets a kick and a series of rights that back Show into the corner, but Show decides he’s had enough and lines Snitsky up for the big slap to the chest, which he hits in three corners. Show gets a headbutt. Show gets a hard whip into the corner. Snitsky gets up, so Show slaps him again. Show gets a hard right. They head outside, but Snitsky avoids a shot from Show and rams him into the security wall, then whips him into the ringpost. Back in. Show reverses a whip into the corner, but he runs into a drop toe hold. Snitsky had to jump to hit it. Snitsky runs the ropes and ducks a clothesline, then hits two straight running boots to the head. They get two. Snitsky tries the vertical suplex, though. No dice. Show reverses it, and down come the straps. Clothesline! Clothesline! Show gets a whip. Hiptoss! Show gets another hard slap to the chest and clotheslines Snitsky out. Referee Jack Doan starts the count, and Snitsky’s had enough. He leaves.

Winner: Big Show via countout (3:44)

Backstage, Eric Bischoff walks up on John Cena, whose head is covered in the hood of a hooded sweatshirt. Bischoff looks at the belt over Cena’s shoulder. He tells him to cherish his moments as champion. Cena turns around, sees Bischoff, and reveals that he’s been listening to his headphones and didn’t hear him.

Ad Break.

Lance (“Hey! Storm’s gone!”) Cade introduces a promo video from inside of a bar for his new tag team with Trevor Murdoch. They want to be the best team int he world. “Somebody is gon’ squeal like a pig.” “See ya soon!” They’re rednecks, in case you can’t tell.

Torrie Wilson & Candice Michelle are here. “Surprise! We’ve been traded to Raw! I can’t believe it’s been over three years for me, and I’m so excited to stir up a little trouble.”

Teddy Long called Candice too hot for network TV. Torrie promises a series of surprises that’s going to make everyone very happy. Surprise number one is diva search winner Ashley! “I have to say, it is such a huge honor for me to be in this ring with you guys right now.” She’s happy to be here. Torrie says if you can win the diva search, you must be good. They promise she’ll fit right in. Ashley takes this opportunity to thank the fans and promises to repay them for all their support. Candice suggests that she start doing so tonight. And Torrie kicks Ashley. Intrigue! It’s a diva beatdown. Stomping ensues. Candice and Torrie head up the ramp.

Ad Break.

Next week: Shawn Michaels has accepted the Masterlock Challenge!

Backstage, Chris Jericho is interviewed by Todd Grisham. “Well some people deserve to be fired, don’t they, Todd? You think I became the true multimedia superstar of the WWE and the very first undisputed champion in the history of this business by losing money matches like this, huh?” Heh. Cena is going to be in the bread line, and Bischoff is going to be hailing Jericho as the champion.

Eric Bischoff, seconded by four security personnel, hits the ring for our main event. He shoots the breeze with “Vigilant” Mike Chioda as we head to an …

Ad Break.

Match #4: Chris Jericho vs John Cena
“You’re Fired” Match for the WWE Championship

[Sign: Kane = Underrated] “Vigilant” Mike Chioda takes forever checking both guys to make sure they have no illegal aids concealed in their tights. [“Jericho!” / “CENA!”] Jericho gets a slap. Ceha gets a right, then mounts Jericho and unloads a series of rights. Cena gets a whip and his hiptoss. Cena runs the ropes, but gets tripped by Bischoff. Jericho covers with a schoolboy and a foot on the ropes for two. Jericho gets a dropkick and stomps away in the corner. Jericho gets a whip and a back elbow. Jericho covers for one. Jericho gets Cena in the corner and unloads the chops. Jericho gets a boot choke against the bottom turnbuckle. Jericho gets a whip into the corner, but Cena dodges the running cross body, and Jericho flies to the outside. Bischoff looks over Jericho as Cena stands in the ring. Then he decides to head out and put Jericho back in. Bischoff sneaks a kick to the gut on Cena, so Cena stares him down. Then Bischoff hits Cena with a hard low blow! Jericho’s in the ring, so let’s go to an Ad Break. (3:02)

Ad Break ends (5:05).

During the break, Bischoff slapped Cena repeatedly from outside of the ring, as JR mocks the heel hosts announcing that Bischoff was merely acting out of self-defense when he low blowed Cena. Jericho gets a drop toe hold. Jericho gets a hard roundhouse kick to the ribs and starts the 10-punch combo in the corner, but only gets to four. Jericho keeps the edge, though. [“Let’s go Cena!”] They slug it out, and Cena wins with a series of rights. He runs the ropes straight into a leg lariat for two, though. Jericho creatively chokes Cena with his leg on the throat of Cena as he argues with Chioda for no apparent reason. He breaks it… and walks straight into an inside cradle for two. Jericho gets a clothesline for two. Jericho gets a whip into the corner and a clothesline. He sets up Cena on the second turnbuckle and joins him up there. Superplex attempt… is blocked, and Cena shoves Jericho off. Cena waits for Jericho to get up. Flying cross body attempt… Jericho dodges! Crash and burn! Jericho is up, and he goes to the elbowdrop. He tries to cover with his foot on the ropes. Chioda tells him that’s no good. [“LET’S GO CENA!” / “Let’s go Jericho!”] This is awesome! The kids are dying for Cena, but there’s a VERY vocal Jericho contingent in the crowd. The crowd is absolutely electric. They slug it out. Cena ducks a punch… shoulderblock! Two clotheslines! Wait for it… wait for it… no, not yet. Whip into the corner… running back elbbow! Whip into the corner, but Jericho boots him. Cena lowers his head to beg for the bulldog, which Jericho attempts. Reversal to a fireman’s carry… but Jericho ESCAPES THE FU! Continuity! Double leg takedown! THE WALLS OF JERICHO! Chioda looks at Cena as Bischoff pulls the ropes away, and Jericho pulls Cena back in. I’m slapping myself for not paying attention to how long Cena’s been stuck in Jericho’s finisher. Cena fights his way back to the ropes… and makes it. Well, of course. It’s 10:58. Jericho argues with Chioda. He charges… fireman’s carry from Cena! Tries the FU… his back gives out. But he lifts Jericho back up before he can get down. Cena’s running around trying to put Jericho in motion… FU! One… and Bischoff puts Jericho’s foot on the bottom rope. While Chioda vigilantly attends to Cena, Bischoff puts brass knuckles on Jericho’s right hand! Cena is up. Jericho slowly starts to get to his feet. Bischoff argues with Chioda as Jericho lines it up… POWER OF THE PUNCH! Jericho removes the knux. One… two… NO! Another attempt gets two. Chioda tries to stop Bischoff, who’s on the apron, from putting the belt in the ring. Cena smartly gets a double-leg takedown and catapults Jericho into Chioda into Bischoff. Cena goes to the fireman’s carry again… FU! One… two… three!

Winner: John Cena via pinfall (15:50)

Bischoff gets in the ring. “Chris. Forget about all that, because YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU’RE FIRED!” Jericho stares into space. “You had a job to do, dammit, and you didn’t get it done.”

Jericho pleads with Bischoff. They’re buddies. He wants another chance. He thought it was Cena who’d get fired. “YOU’RE FIRED! You hear me? Get out of my ring. Out of my ring.” Jericho’s begging. “I don’t care about you, your wife, or your damn kid.” “You can’t fire me!” “I just did. Security, get him out of here.” Jericho does an awesomely over-the-top begging job. “You’re done. Finished. Get him out of my ring.” Jericho humps the leg, but security removes him.

But wait! KURT ANGLE is here! German to Cena! Right hand! Uppercut forearm in the corner! Series of intense rights! Another forearm! Angle stomps a mudhole in Cena in the corner. Another German! Mounted punches. Clothesline! OLYMPIC SLAM!

“Hey Cena. Say hello to the number-one contender to your WWE Title… Kurt Angle!”

Angle poses with his belt, but stops short of putting the ankle lock on. He poses with a smug grin on his face as Cena slowly comes to.

And we’re out! Next week, it’s the last Raw report before I go to school. Only an idiot would miss that, right?

See you then.