411’s WWE Raw Report 12.06.04

BACKGROUND MATERIAL

Miss Turning Point last night? Sadly, I did. Paying up for the show without knowing the context (being unable to see Impact up here – I’m waiting, TSN…) just wouldn’t feel right.

But thankfully, if you’re like me and need to be filled in, 411’s own Larry Thomas Csonka, the man of a million columns, has everything you need to know about TNA’s second monthly PPV. Check it out.

Randle has Turning Point fallout too, as well a solemn promise not to review “One Night in China.”

Damn.

Nute fantasizes and explains why you should too.

Bassel Noori makes his 411 debut with a concise, right-on-the-money missive on Mohammed Hassan. I think the way to go with Hassan, booking-wise, is to make him start out as a tweener and then have him go full-fledged face shortly thereafter by demolishing a bunch of heels who try to manipulate him. If you start him off with an obvious face push, you run the risk of the fans seeing it as forced and turning on it right away, and if that happens, the gimmick is dead in the water at best and a huge black eye for pro-wrestling at worst. If you start him as a full-fledged heel and the mainstream media catches on, there’s a real possibility of the media jumping to conclusions about the direction of the gimmick and defaming WWE. Regardless of who his first opponent is and how they book him, though, he has to be a machine in the ring. He seems so soft-spoken, and if he gets booked as a wimp, I’m worried for him. Hassan’s (the character’s) primary motivation should be to get the fans to look past his heritage, but how can that happen if the announcers have to harp on that to get him over? There are just so many ways that the booking of Hassan can go wrong that I’m not holding my breath. I guess we’ll find out where he’s headed tonight.

Wil English has arrived to break down great matches. This week, it’s Samoe Joe and CM Punk at World Title Classic.

Speaking of ROH, Garoon and Ziegler break down “Testing the Limit” from August of this year.

Alex P has Heat and the B-show plug all to himself.

Over in Sports, BL‘s big Top 10 feature culminates with the top 10 players in the NBA. Read it.

Yayo has some NBA love as well.

And speaking of Yayo, I’m spent. Let’s get this show on the road.

411’s WWE RAW REPORT – 12.06.04

We start with no pyro, but the Jeritron 5000 in the middle of the ring with Chris Jericho – “WELCOME TO RAW – IS – JERICHO!”

Pyro explodes, Jericho welcomes us, and he promises us an answer to the question of who the world champ is. (“Is it Edge, or is it Chris Benoit?”) But before that, he welcomes us to HIS show, because he’s the general manager! Y2J promises the biggest party in the history of WWE. And no great party would be complete without everybody getting laid.”

So a bunch of leis fall from the ceiling! I get it… Chris runs over the joke a lot. “It’s a free lei! You won’t get arrested! You can get laid in public and you won’t get sent to jail!”… He gets one for himself, and starts to run through the stuff on tap for tonight.

Tonight, Trish Stratus faces Lita for the women’s title. The lovely Raw divas will participate in the first-ever Jericho Rock and Roll Limbo а-Go-Go to the music of Fozzy.

Now, we cut to footage of Benoit and Edge from Raw from last week and the mystery finish from four different angles. He doesn’t know who won, and since that’s a question that not even the GM can answer. There’s only one man wise enough to make that decision for him. That man?

Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

He comes out with the belt and the stick.

“After reviewing the footage, Chris Benoit’s shoulders are clearly down for a count of three. But also, Edge tapped out. As a matter of fact, Edge tapped out at exactly the same time that Chris Benoit’s shoulders were counted down for three. So… we’d probably have ourselves a tie.” He doesn’t like ties. Vince says that traditionally speaking, when two contenders are tied, neither one is named the World Heavyweight Champion. And he gets cut off by Motorhead.

Time to play the game. Triple H walks out in a suit. Vince is smiling. He says to HHH that he knows he doesn’t like being interrupted, but there’s only one appropriate word right now that he can say to HHH: congratulations. “Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, because you’re looking at a bestselling author, there’s no doubt about that.” The Making of the Game drops tomorrow, if you’re interested. He offers him more congratulations and a handshake: “HHH is a certifiable movie star!” Blade: Trinity is an ass-kicking film that drops Wednesday, quoth Vince, and he congratulates HHH for being so great. HHH is in a hurry to grab the belt from Vince. Vince starts to get angry: he’s not naming anyone the world champion. He’s going to dump it right in Eric Bischoff’s lap next week.

But he does make one decision: the belt is vacant. “As of this moment, you are no longer the World Heavyweight Champion.”

VKM leaves with the belt and I’m thinking next week’s Raw is going to have one badass main event.

Ad Break.

We get another ECW video plug.

Backstage, Triple H, with Ric Flair and Dave Batista, is pissed off. He starts kicking barrels. He asks why Batista isn’t infuriated. “I just express my anger in different ways,” he says. HHH asks why Batista didn’t try harder to stay at ringside to save HHH in last week’s main event. Batista points out that he didn’t have to be out there in the first place to break Chris Benoit’s crossface. “If it wasn’t for me, there’d be no controversy. Chris Benoit would be the world champion, PERIOD. … You’re WELCOME.” Off he goes.

Flair tries to get HHH to cool it, but he knocks a table over and grunts in a manly fashion.

In the GM locker room, Chris Jericho and several divas have their party interrupted by Christian in a bad shirt, complaining about some suspicious clothes he found in his bag today and asking where his real ring gear is. Y2J hands him a lei and proclaims tonight “The Adventures of Captain Charisma” – he might get a shot at Shelton Benjamin’s IC Title tonight.

Exit Christian. Chris Benoit walks in, and Jericho makes a match: HHH and Batista vs Benoit and Jericho

We get a revealing retrospective on the Trish/Lita feud to take us to our second…

Ad Break.

Match #1: Eugene Dinsmore (w/ William Regal) vs Maven

Does Maven have a new video? His reception from the crowd is mixed and not particularly loud yet. Maven offers a handshake to Eugene. He accepts. Regal leaves the ring. They lock up. Eugene gets a go-behind and a waistlock, reversed by Maven, erversed to a wristlock by Eugene, reversed by Maven, reversed by Eugene and he gets an armdrag out of an armwringer for two. Eugene channels Jimmy Valiant’s dance, drawing a smile from Maven. They lock up. Headlock by Maven, reversed to an overhand wristlock by Eugene, to a snapmare, and he gets a bodyscissors and proceeds to roll around the ring with maven in the hold. Maven is off his game. Or maybe not. He’s smiling. Headlock by Maven. Maven blocks a blind charge from Eugene and Regal trips him while he’s running the ropes. Regal gets tripped and tossed after Maven asks our referee, Jack Doan, to toss him. This brings about a few fans trying to start a derisive rendition of “Maven in D Minor.” (It’s the same song as “Goldberg in D Minor.”) Maven gets a rollup for two. He gets a Northern Lights suplex for two. Maven congratulates him for coming that close. He offers a handshake… accepted, and he gives a hard kick to the knee. That kills Eugene. After thinking about what to do, Maven hangs Eugene’s bum knee over the second rope in the corner and stomps away on it. Viciously. He proceeds to stand on Eugene’s throat for a five-count, drawing a DQ.

Winner: Eugene Dinsmore via disqualification (4:12)

Post-match, Regal runs back in for the save, but Maven goes out, grabs one of the tag belts, and waffles Regal with it as he’s looking over Eugene. Solid “Maven sucks” chant! Mission accomplished. He poses and leaves.

Ad Break.

Chris Jericho is back in the ring with his lovely assistants and a pole. Is it limbo time? I guess it is. Out come the divas. They do their thing to Fozzy‘s live music. Christy is your winner.

Y2J heads up to the stage and they dance in the ring to “Don’t You Wish You Were Me” with Jericho on the vocals.

The lights go out, and it’s Khosrow Daivari and Mohammed Hassan on the Titantron. “How does it feel to have your nice normal fun time, and then, in an instant, your entire world changes. The fun stops. And all there’s left to do is question why. Well Arab Americans have felt like that for three years now. Ever since 9-11, for a night, enjoy your party, because next week, live on Raw, I’ll be making my debut. And then, you will begin to see the world as I see it. The party is over.” [intense, pensive stare] Interesting.

Ad Break.

WWE Raw Sponsor Simon Dean is here to liven up the show. Here’s here to talk about the patented Simon System again, but the only way GM Chris Jericho would let that happen was if he competed in his first actual match tonight. He starts to talk about the Simon System Fitno-Powder before getting cut off by the Hurricane’s music.

Match #2: Simon Dean vs The Hurricane

Simon bends over in the ring, and Hurricane capitalizes with an OK roll for two. He gets a fireman’s carry takeover. Simon tries one of his own, reversed to a rollup for two, and Hurricane strikes the pose. Dean is confused. Dean misses a clothesline and Hurricane gets a front face lock. He breaks in the corner. He then pops Hurricane with a right and throws a forearm to the back. Simon uses a backbreaker and isolates the back with stomps. He uses a blatant choke beside the ropes. “Simon sucks!” Hurricane fires back with two rights, but Simon gets a kick and a bodyslam. He uses a modified elbowdrop to the back. He does a little dance before a third elbow for two. He follows it with a blatant choke with PUSH-UPS. OK, that was cool. Hurricane gets a cross body for two before Simon hits a clothesline and unloads kneedrops to the back. Simon gets a chinlock with a knee to the back. Hurricane gets to his knees – to his feet – uses punches to the gut, but Simon kicks him and runs the ropes… right into a lariat. Hurricane gets another one. Hurricane tries a whip, reversed, Simon tries a sidewalk slam, but hurricane hits a headscissors takedown. Hurricane tries a whip into the corner, reversed, but Simon charges into a European uppercut. Hurricane hits a whip into the corner and sets up the inverted Unprettier. It connects and here comes the Shining Wizard… but Simon ducks and rolls up Hurricane with the tights for three!

Winner: Simon Dean via pinfall (3:59)

He grabs his Fitno-Powder and heads back upstage.

Our Lita/Trish retrospective takes us back to Trish’s bridal shower for Lita after her marriage to Kane.

Ad Break.

Backstage, Jonathan Coachman interviews Randy Orton. Orton is, understandably, pleased about HHH no longer being the champ, because now he can compete for the world title. He did everything he could to make sure HHH didn’t win. So he couldn’t be happier. And now that Orton has a smile on his face, he knows why Coach has a frown on his: he can’t get laid.

Edge wastes no time to hit the ring. “I came here tonight ready to defend my World Championship. But let me get this straight – the World Title – the holy grail in our industry – is being held up. [You tapped out!] The World Title is being held up until Eric Bischoff decides what he wants to do with it next week. Well that, that, is a travesty. That is a crime against me.” And the fact that everyone here is making fun of him makes everyone here a disgrace. “Last week, I won the battle royal. Chris Benoit’s feet hit the floor first, and everyone knows it. And from there, what do I did in my first-ever World Title match? I won. Let’s get it straight. I did not tap out. I pinned Chris Benoit one, two, three in the middle of this ring. And then the World Championship, it was mine, I held it in my hands, I dropped to my knees, and I’d never felt anything so good in my life. But it was ripped away from me. I was SCREWED AGAIN. And I blame one person for that, one person, and that one person’s name is Randy Orton. See, Randy, you could’ve done the right thing. You saw the footage. You saw that I won the Battle Royal. You could’ve made it a singles match … But instead, you made it triple-threat. Well, Randy, I can’t help it if your World Title reign was a complete and utter FAILURE. But tahat doesn’t give you the right to ruin my dreams. So Randy, I suggest you get your ass out here, because I’m calling you out, and if you don’t, I’m coming back there.”

AWESOME monologue there.

Randy Orton hits the ring. He talks faster than I can type. He says that he could’ve made it a singles match to let Evolution run the match. He came out for himself, to get the belt off HHH. He says that Edge should’ve just won the match himself. “Edge, listen to me. You’re nothing. You’re nothing, Edge. You, in this ring, you and me, you know what happens. You kicked my ass, but I beat your ass right back. If you wanna blame somebody, Edge, blame yourself.” (Huh?)

Edge mocks him, saying he’d expect to hear something like that from Randy. Randy: “Unlike you, I’ve BEEN World Champion. And if there’s a failure in this ring, if there’s a failure standing in this ring right now [looks around, exaggerating] – it is you.”

Edge: “You can say that to me when I have your number.” He ended Orton’s eight-month Intercontinental Title reign. “When it comes down to you and me, YOU’RE MY BITCH.”

Orton pops him with a forearm and it’s a slugfest! Orton gets a takedown, but Edge reverses and it’s a classic catfight. Referees and officials – hey, is that Dean Malenko? Sgt. Slaughter? Arn Anderson? – come out to break the whole thing up. They don’t do too well. The fight goes on. They finally succeed after a good minute of brawling. The crowd eats it up. “Randy! Randy!” They have a long-distance staredown as we head to commercials. Really good segment all around.

Ad Break.

Match #3: Shelton Benjamin vs Christian (w/ Tyson Tomko)
Intercontinental Championship

Solid reaction for Shelton. Christian is introduced as “Captain Charisma”, and he’s actually wearing a horned mask and a full-body red and yellow outfit with “CC” on the front. Tomko gives him a pep talk at the top of the ramp and sends him down. “Vigilant” Mike Chioda, my favorite, is your referee. King, playing Captain Obvious, blames Jericho for Christian’s outfit. He baseball slides air. He walks right into a flapjack from Shelton and a rollup for two. Tomko gets on the apron, and that doesn’t distract Chioda. Christian gets the edge back anyway and whips Shelton into the corner and hits a monkey flip, but Shelton lands on his feet. He heads to the opposite corner to the second rope. Head and shoulder fake, knocks Christian down, and he gets the flying clothesline… but Christian reverses a whip, Tomko uses an elbow to Shelton’s back, and Christian gets an inverted DDT for two! Christian goes to stomps. Shelton gets a couple of punches to the gut, but Christian uses a front suplex onto the top rope for two. Christian uses an abdominal stretch. Shelton escapes, runs the ropes, and hits a cross body for two. Christian uses a whip into the corner, but charges right into the leg lariat. Chioda counts with GUSTO and makes it all the way to four before Christian gets up on the apron and Shelton walks into a shoulder thrust. Christian heads up top and tries a double axehandle, but Shelton uses a furious forearm to the gut and a clothesline. Christian reverses a whip, but Shelton gets a forearm. Shelton reverses some sort of slam and hits a Russian leg sweep for two. Shelton goes for a running attack, but misses. He lands on the second rope and hits a flying sunset flip from there for two. Shelton uses a whip into the corner, but Christian dodges the Stinger splash. Shelton alnds on the second turnbuckle, but Christian pulls him down with a hard schoolboy for two. Tomko puts the belt in and distracts Chioda. Christian grabs the belt and tries a beltshot, dodged, but Tomko gets a boot to Shelton’s face (with Christian holding Shelton in a headlock)! I do believe “Vigilant” Mike Chioda missed it! That gets two. Tomko gets on the apron again and accidentally boots Christian. Shelton knocks him off, and hits that’s MISTER Exploder on Christian for the win.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin via pinfall (5:26)

Next week on Raw, Edge will face Randy Orton by mandate of Chris Jericho. Jericho then leads Fozzy into a live version (with a full arrangement of guitars) of the Goodbye Song for Christian and Tomko.

Smackdown Rebound: JBL and OJ lose a handicap match to the Undertaker by DQ, but lead a 4-on-1 beatdown of him.

Ad Break.

Our Trish/Lita retrospective takes us to the wedding.

Lita is cut off on her way to the ring by Gene Snitsky. “It’s a shame your husband Kane couldn’t be here for your big night tonight, but unfortunately for you, I ended his career.” Lita tries to walk off, but Snitsky blocks her. “It’s also a shame your baby won’t be here to cheer you on tonight. And we all know what happened there. It wasn’t my fault. And one more thing. Good luck tonight, Lita.” Off she goes. He raises his eyebrow…

Backstage, Triple H and Ric Flair have a cell phone. They call Eric Bischoff. HHH lobbies for his championship back because he is the Franchise Player. [Flair also mentions the Raw magazine cover, and the bestselling HHH book, and the appearance in “Blade: Trinity” as the self-proclaimed star – all of this explains that he is the MAN and still the champ, because he never lost his belt.] “Otherwise, if you decide not to, I swear…”

Dave Batista takes the phone from him and turns it off. He says he’s stopping HHH from making a huge mistake. “You’re the cerebral assassin, what – you’re gonna threaten the guy who controls your fate?” HHH asks if Dave thinks he’s really the champ. Batista says there’s only one real World Heavyweight Champion.

Batista and HHH vs Benoit and Jericho – next!

Ad Break.

Match #4: DAVE Batista (w/ Ric Flair) and Triple H vs Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho

Batista gets an ENORMOUS POP, and bows down to Flair at the top of the ramp in Flair Country. He raises Flair’s arm in the ring, and intensely proclaims that he’s the MAN. HHH follows, solo. He gets introduced as the Former World Heavyweight Champion, which pisses him off. He makes a mad dash for Lilian Garcia, who hightails it into the stands. He trips over the security wall on his way. He heads back to the ring as Batista wonders what’s going on. He pats him on the back to reassure him. Benoit gets another huge pop. Jericho’s is pretty good as well. Benoit and HHH start. They lock up. HHH gets Benoit in the corner. Benoit reverses and throws a series of rights and chops. Benoit uses a whip into the opposite corner. HHH rebounds into a chop. Benoit tags Jericho. Jericho uses kicks in the face corner, and then in a neutral corner. He uses a whip and a running dropkick in the opposite corner, and HHH flops. Sacrilege! Batista doesn’t tag himself in. “We want Flair!” HHH charges directly into a drop toe hold. Jericho throws right forearms, and goes to a vicious chop that knocks HHH off his feet. Tag Benoit. Benoit keeps the slugfest going with a chop, then hits a snap suplex. HHH begs off into a neutral corner, but Benoit stomps away anyway. HHH runs right into the Crossface, but is lucky enough to find his feet on the bottom rope. Batista pulls HHH out of harm’s way and heads back to his corner. HHH stares down Benoit and locks up as the We Want Flair chants intensify. HHH starts a slugfest in a neutral corner, but Benoit wins, and HHH staggers into the face corner, where Jericho slugs him and tags himself in. Jericho chops away in a neutral corner and uses a whip into the same corner. HHH does the Flair flip to the outside. Batista runs in and whips Jericho, but gets kicked in the head. Jericho and Benoit double-dropkick Batista to the outside, and the heels are regrouping on the outside! You know what that means… Ad Break! (3:37)

Ad Break ends at (6:50)

During the break, Flair distracted the referee, allowing Batista to demolish Jericho with a spinebuster. Batista and Jericho are legal. HHH tags in. HHH uses a blatant choke on the bottom rope. This gets our referee’s attention, allowing Flair to blatantly choke out Benoit with his suit behind the ref’s back. HHH gets a neckbreaker on Y2J for two. Benoit breaks up the count. Batista tags in. He uses a boot choke in the corner. Jericho fights back after the ref breaks it up, though, using chops, but Batista reverses a whip and sends Jericho right into the corner again, then kills him with a clothesline for two. Batista uses a whip into the corner, but he charges into a low dropkick from Jericho and stumbles face-first into the second turnbuckle! Jericho starts to crawl over to Benoit. Batista makes the tag to HHH… but Benoit gets in too! He forearms Batista out, knocks down Flair (big boos), and kicks HHH. Benoit uses a clothesline on HHH. Jericho hits a springboard dropkick on Batista. Benoit baseball slides Flair (boos). The same to Batista, pop. Germans to HHH and the crowd is about to explode. Jericho hits the Lionsault! Benoit hits the diving headbutt! Jericho locks HHH in the walls and sweet Jeebus, Benoit locks in the Crossface! It’s been a while… Batista breaks it up with the huge spinebuster to Benoit, and beats on Jericho in the corner. He uses a blatant choke to really drive the point home. HHH gets a chair and heads in, and waffles Benoit in the back of the head. DQ.

Winners: Chris Benoit & Chris Jericho via disqualification (11:44)

Then he waffles our ref! Then he aims for Jericho… but Jericho ducks and HHH DRILLS BATISTA. Oh… no. He takes out Jericho as a formality before Flair comes in to look over Batista and HHH delivers a forced, desperate apology. HHH heads out alone. Flair tries to help Batista heal up in the ring as HHH heads back.

Backstage, Lita confronts Trish Stratus, sans mask. “Lita. The walking kiss of death. Whose career are you ending tonight?” “Yours.” And she kisses Trish before heading to the ring. Here we go…

Ad Break.

Eric Bischoff is going to be back next week…

Match #5: Trish Stratus vs Lita
Women’s Championship

Trish suddenly has her mask back. Lita is introduced as “North Carolina’s own.” So that’s why this is your main event of the evening. They lock up. Lita pushes Trish out of the ring and they collapse to the floor. They head back in. Trish uses a kick to the gut and a forearm. Trish tries to send Lita into the corner, reversed but Trish stops herself by kickint the second turnbuckle, and she get sLita in the corner and hits a chop. Trish uses a whip but lowers her head and gets kicked. Trish ducks a clothesline with the backward bridge, but Lita just kicks her for two. Lita uses a Russian leg sweep for two. Trish comes back with a right. Lita chant inspires her to block a charge from Trish with a backdrop to the outside. Then Lita comes up with a tope suicida between the second and third ropes into what looks like a clothesline, seemingly snapping her head backwards on impact with the floor. OUCH. That looked really painful. Lita heads into the ring, and Trish removes her mask… and drills Lita with it! Trish comes with the stomping and such. She heads to the second turnbuckle and grabs the dreaded corner sleeper. And another. But Lita pulls Trish down with a snapmare from there and locks in the Sleeper of Intense Discomfort. Trish backs Lita into the corner to break and locks in a full nelson! Moveset! Lita breaks and heads up. Lita intercepts her and hits a superplex! Massive double-KO! Lita reaches over and covers… for two. Lita gets up first, but Trish ducks a clothesline and hits the roundhouse kick to the head for two. Trish continues the assault with forearms in the corner, going to the second rope for extra power, but Lita reverses with a powerbomb and heads up top. She’s thinking moonsault, but Trish goes for an electric chair. Lita reverses to a rollup for two.! Lita tries the DDT, but Trish grabs the top rope to break and Lita just falls down. Trish tries Stratusfaction – Lita lands on her feet! Lita busts out the Twist of Fate and heads up with the moonsault for the win!

Winner: Lita via pinfall (7:12)

That was one brilliantly-booked match. The ending was really good and the crowd was HOT at the finish. Thumbs up.

All things considered I think the experiment of having rotating face GMs for four weeks has been a reasonably good success, even though we still didn’t find out who the champ is. I’m just about ready for a return to a tweener/heel authority figure when Bischoff comes back next week. I wonder if they’re going to blow Elimination Chamber III on the New Year’s PPV to put the belt on someone heading into WM21.

Who’s the champ? “Watch Raw next week and find out!”

Next week’s my birthday, and I expect nothing less than an end to this uncertainty and a killer main event as a present.

See you then.