411’s WWE Smackdown Report 01.09.03

WWE Smackdown for January 9, 2003, from Tucson, Arizona
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

Had me a funeral to go to this week. My great-aunt passed away. We weren’t close, but it’s still upsetting.

Something else that’s upsetting: we’re not close with that side of the family, so I see them, like, once a year. And people kept coming up to me talking about how big I’ve gotten. You know what? I’m six foot four, two hundred and sixty pounds and twenty one years old. My growing days are over. I’m no bigger than I was when they saw me last Christmas. So what the hell?

Raw… I ventured out in the snow to go to Tom’s house and watch that piece of shit. I’m not pleased. A friggin’ posedown? I mean come on.

And the six “random” guys picked to judge the thing? They should have been wearing T-shirts that read “Hi, I’m a local indy worker” it was so obvious.

On an up note, Lance Storm has a title! And didn’t he sell that axe kick like a champ?

On a down note, William Regal has a title. He of the ugly, boring offense and like forty-seven IC title reigns is now a tag team champion.

Hopefully this is meant to hotshot the titles to RVD and Kane so they can feud with Booker T and Goldust into Wrestlemania, where we’ll have the battle of the Unlikely Duos, one time, for all time.

Randy Orton returned on Monday, which was also cool for me, since he’s been one of my pet guys since his debut right here on Smackdown. He should keep the RNN Breaking News thing as his entrance video, in my opinion, and maybe do a Mattitude style “Randy Facts” kind of thing. Keep the music too, at least while he’s a heel.

Oh yeah, and this week’s Greatest Tag Team In The History Of WWE- the Dudley Boyz; next week Edge and Christian get to be the GTTITHOWWE- got beat down by Rikishi’s Fatter, Slower, Less Talented, Less Over Cousins, the American Gladiatoral Hero Cop Nancy Boy, Brock Without the Wrestling Ability and HHH’s Bitch, the Wrestling Legend Formerly Known as Ric Flair. And throughout the whole thing, JR and the King mentioned not even ONCE that Batista and D-Von used to be a package deal when they were on Smackdown. Makes me sick…

Also, during the segment, Jerry Lawler got very steamed, but nothing really came of it until the end of the show, when newly minted tag team champion William Regal was promised a match with the King next week. If this is the start of a push for the King, I seriously couldn’t be happier. He’s a funny old guy, he’s in decent shape for someone his age and his book was probably the best wrestler book since Foley’s first (which was preachier than the second, but somehow more real), even if the last fifty pages were somewhat depressing.

For those who don’t already know, I’m a New Yorker. Have been all my life. I’m not really a football fan, but on Sunday I couldn’t help but watch as the Giants got screwed in the closing minutes of their game with the 49ers. Apparently the refs messed up and Los Gigantes should have gotten themselves another play, despite the clock having run out.

So here’s what I suggest to the NFL and to the Giants: next season, the Giants get an extra play whenever they want it. Seriously. Just whenever it strikes their fancy.

Then, they come out at the 2004 Super Bowl- whether they’re in it or not- and demand their extra play in the final seconds of the game. Toss the winning team out and make their play, then walk off with the trophy. Or hell, just come out with bats and other bludgeoning weapons, beat the shit out of both teams, then the refs, then take the trophy and go on the lam.

Sorry, it’s just the comic book fan in me that wants to see a whole pro football team go rogue off a bad call and become villains.

Also, Jason Sehorn’s on the Giants, and he’s married to Angie Harmon, who I’ve been low level enamored of since her days on Law & Order. She’s in some disgustingly tripe kiddie spy movie with Malcolm in the Middle that comes out in a few months, and I’m ashamed of myself for saying this, but I fully intend to see it. Why? Angie Harmon in a typical spy chick outfit. All leather and boobs and… anyway…

According to 411’s own Movies section, Sylvester Stallone may be writing the character of Ivan Drago- the Russian monster who killed Apollo Creed and uttered some of my favorite lines in the whole Rocky franchise; “If he dies, he dies”; “I must break you”; “I fight for me!”- into Rocky VI, which has been potentially subtitled, The Movie That Shouldn’t Be Made. This of course negates my theory about Ivan Drago, that he got two in the back of the head five minutes after Rocky IV. You don’t just pick up and toss the premier of the Soviet Union, I don’t care how big you are.

Of course, if it gets Dolph Lundgren into a major motion picture, I’m all for it. I’ve always had a soft spot for the guy since Masters of the Universe. He’s like the woulda-coulda-shoulda of action stars. For whatever reason he just never got the shot the vastly inferior Van Damme or Seagal did. He was great in Rocky IV and Universal Soldier, where he handily showed up RVD’s namesake.

Okay. Time to get my report groove on.

Your Smackdown Soundtracks for this week are the Counting Crows’ Hard Candy and the Wallflowers’ Bringing Down the Horse

We are nowhere near as live as we were last week, which is good because last week sucked. No, we are on tape, from Tucson, Arizona. Michael Cole Miner’s Daughter and Tazz the Human Announce Machine are on commentary as usual. Thank God they realized Ernest “the Cat” Miller wasn’t gonna work out and stuck him with Josh “I Wasn’t Quite Tough Enough, But They Hired Me Anyway” Matthews on Velocity, which I don’t watch because it’s on Saturday nights and I have a life. Anyway…

The Big Show (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Rikishi: Big Show slaps Rikishi around and they lock up. Rikishi grabs a sideheadlock but gets shoulder blocked, but dodges an elbow. Double Chin Music but Show counters a scoop slam with a knee and one of his own. He slaps Rikishi down. Big boot gets two. Show goes to an abdominal stretch to take a breath a miunute and a half in, and I find myself wondering which one of these two is blown up already. Show grabs the ropes for leverages and finally lets Rikishi out with a shot to the ribs after two friggin’ minutes. Rikishi fights up with punches but can’t whip the Big Show. He gets turned inside out with a clothesline, then Show hits the Goozle for the win.

Winner: The Big Show by pinfall (3:50)

Heyman gets on the mic and promises that before the night is out, they’ll teach a lesson to Brock Lesnar.

Later Tonight… we get Charlie Haas of Team Angle vs Edge, and Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Benoit.

Commercial Break… Bob Holly beats the shit out of the Tough Enough III kids later tonight.

And we’re back.

John Cena and B2 rap their way down to the ring with a very non-Latino friendly rap. So he’s a wigger and a racist? How does that… oh wait, I know like a hundred of those guys. Nevermind.

John Cena (w/B2) vs. WWE Tag Team Champion Chavo Guerrero (w/WWE Tag Team Champion Eddie Guerrero: Lockup and Chavo dominates with punches and clubs to the back. Backdrop attempt, but Cena grabs the ropes. Chavo gets it off anyway, then a headscissors after ducking some clotheslines. Chavo clotheslines Cena out, and is that a FACE POP for Chavito? Back in, Chavo gets a leg drag and floats out of a press slam, getting another backdrop for two. Cena comes back and a back elbow gets two. Chavo fights out of a backdrop superplex, but B2 knocks him off the top before he can hit a top rope move. Eddie and B2 go at it outside, and Cena joins them. Chavo with a vaulting bodypress on Cena as Eddie suplexes B2 on the ramp. Refs swarm them and send them to the back. Back in the ring, Cena goes up top but gets superplexed off for two.Mahistorl cradle gets two for Chavo and he scroes a sweet DDT for another two. Cena counters a sunset flip by sitting down and grabs the ropes to steal one from the young Guerrero.

Winner: John Cena by pinfall (4:50)

They show video of Dawn Marie and Al Wilson getting married last week, and I’m NOT recapping this shit again.

We cut to a weird, “Continental”-esque segment with Danw Marie leading us through her honeymoon suite and talking about how Al’s dynamite in the sack. Whatever. If anything convinced me that Dawn’s acting is sub-soft porn levels, this bit was it.

Commercial break… Raw Retro: Austin with the beer truck. Oh this guy is so on his way back. And so are we.

And we’re back.

(See?)

Matt Hardy “Version One” (w/Shannon Moore) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman: They fight over a wristlock to start, and Matt elbows out. Kidman ducks a clothesline and hits a headscissors and dropkick. Matt reverses a whip and Moore trips Kidman up. Matt chokes Kidman on the ropes, then Moore does when the ref calls Hardy off. Hardy with a Stone Cold-esque rope straddle. Backdrop gets two. Choke sleeper reversed by Kidman, to a side slam by Hardy for two. Matt ducks a clothesline and goes for the Side Effect, but Kidman counters to a springboard bulldog for a double KO. Back up, elbows and an enzuigiri by Kidman gets two. Matt gets rana’d off a whip and Kidman knocks Shannon Moore off the apron. Shooting Star Press onto the MFers from the middle of the top rope, and Kidman gets a faceful of ramp. Ouch. Back in, Kidman covers for two. Matt gets a modified Side Effect for tow. Scoop slam sets up the Downfall Legdrop Version One, which misses. Rydien Bomb by Kidman and Moore distracts him from the Shooting Star Press, then Matt presses him off the top. Kidman dodges the Twist of Fate, Matt runs into Shannon and Kidman rolls Hardy up for the win.

Winner: Billy Kidman by pinfall (4:30)

Matt is irate and he calls Shannon into the ring. Moore is terrified. Matt says that he knows Shannon tried, and even though he failed, it’s better than not trying at all, and he forgives him. Matt raises Shannon’s hand and hugs him.

Backstage, Brock Lesnar walks.

Commercial break

And we’e back.

Tough Enough Josh interviews Torrie Wilson about the wedding. I wash my hands of this crap, I really do. Josh says that Steph has made a match for them at the Rumble. Great. Now I have to pay for this shit?

Well, Tom has to pay for it, but there’s a principle involved.

Tajiri vs. Jamie Noble (w/Nidia): Noble ducks a kick and works a wristlock. Tajir reverses and Noble flips around out of it. Cross corner whip reversed to the Tarnatula. Noble fights out and goes to the outside, tossing Tajir onto the barricade, rolls him back in fro two.. Noble works Tajiri’s arm. Northern Lights suplex on the shoulder gets two. Hammerlock on the mat by Noble. Tajirifights back with kicks and a rolling sunset flip just because, fro two.Noble reverse but Tajiri bridges out. Double clothesline and double KO. Bridging German suplex by Tajiri gets two. Handspring elbow gets two. Rolling armbar into the Trailer Hitch. Tajiri makes the ropes. Nble works the leg on the ropes but Tajiri gets the Tarantula Kick. Buzzasaw Kick iducked, Trailer Bomb is countered to a catapult, countered to a second rope dropckik which is stopped with a kick, then the Buzzsaw Kick finishes.

Winner: Tajiri by pinfall (5:00)

Backstage, WWE Champion Kurt Angle pep talks his boys in Team Angle and they head to the ring.

Commercial Break. Nathan Jones promo. In time, mate. In time.

Charlie Haas (w/Shelton Benjamin & WWE Champion Kurt Angle) vs. Edge: The Counting Crows get to the good part right as Edge comes out.

The bell goes, Benoit’s music hits, and the Wolverine comes down to ringside to watch. Lockup in the rin to a Haas waistlock. Front facelock on the mat by Haas. Edge rolls but Haas keep the hold on. Edge reverses to a wristlock, countered to a hammerlock byy Haas. Wristlock suplex by Haas and he keeps on the arm on the mat. Edge flips out of it and goes to a waistlock, rolled out of by Haas. Shoulderblock by Haas and Edge leapfrogs him. Hiptoss by Edge to an armbar. Haas gets out with an elbow but gets faceplanted off a whip. Cross corner whip but Edge gets the boot up. Haas gets an overhead belly to belly. Snap suplex gets a pair of two counts. Surfboard by Haas. Edge fights out to a backdrop for two. Irish whip by Edge but Haas ducks under a clothesline and German suplexes him. Haas goes up top but gets booted on the way down and belly-to-bellied by Edge. Clotheslines and back body drop to Haas. Edge-O-Matic gets two. Flapjack sets up a double KO. Outside, Angle Benoit and Benjamin explode and Benjamin hits a superkick on Benoit. Edge spears Haas for two but gets pulled off by Angle. Haas whips Edge and Angle gets in a shot with the crutch. Haas hits an Exploder suplex for the win.

Winner: Charlie Haas by pinfall (6:33)

Benoit cuts a promo about time after he cleans out the heels, saying it’s a matter of time before he wins the title at the Rumble, then he calls out Benjamin for right now instead of later.

Commercial break.. impress shallow women with Just For Men gel

And we’re back.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Benoit: Benoit dominates to strat with arm draggery and wristlockery. Benoit goes for an early Crossface but Benjamin makes the ropes. Benoit chops the rookie but gets draggged out and tossed around from apron to barricade. Backdrop with stank on it gets two. Cross arm stretch by Benjamin. Shelton works the back against the turnbuckle and gets a butterfly suplex. Camel clutch by Benjamin. Benoit stands up and drops Benjamin on his back. Northern Lights suplex by Benjamin gets two. Small package gets two. Backslide gets two. Benoit chops him but gets school boyed after ducking a kick. Benjamin had his foot on the rope and the ref saw it. Corner whip but a splash by Benajmin misses to set up the three German suplexes. He signals for the Adamantium Skull Headbutt and it hits, right into the Crossface, and Angle runs- well, hobbles- down. He distracts the ref as Benjamin taps and nails Benoit with the crutch to draw the DQ.

Winner: Chris Benoit by disqualification (6:00)

Angle gets put in the Crossface but Benjamin and Haas save. Edge runs down but the heels coem out on top, Angle knocking Benoit out with the belt and grabbing the ankle lock, while Haas makes Benoit tap by raising his hand up and down.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

More Al Wilson/Dawn Marie crap. Dawn’s wearing Al out, apparently. Not to mention giving him every STD in the book.

Shannon Moore (w/Matt Hardy “Version One”) vs. Bill DeMott: Matt;s on commentary. Apparently it was Moore’s idea to fight DeMott.

DeMott works a headlock. Scintillating. Matt talks about getting beat up at the beginning of his career. Swinging neckbreaker by DeMott. Neck twisting camel clutch by DeMott. Figure four to the head by DeMott. Heel kick by Moore from the second rope. DeMott kills him with a sitout. gutwrench powerbomb.

Winner: Bill DeMott by pinfall (2:42)

Matt gets in the ring, tells Shannon he did his best, hugs him, then hits the Twist of Fate. Matt’s the greatest.

Commercial break… Another Darksiide Undertaker package. I hope they’re not just highlighting the phases of his character only to do an American Badass package next week and bring him back as Underbiker. I mean, I like him anyway but I want the Deadman back.

B2 vs. Eddie Guerrero: Los Guerreros attack mid-Cena’s rap promo down the ramp.

Eddie starts with the slingshot swanton and slugs away, but gets press slammed and legdropped for two. Eddie slugs hack but B2 overpowers him. Choking on the mat and B2 stomps a mudhole. B2 reverses a whip and hits a clothesline. Eddie floats out of a backdrop but B2 gets a springboard clothesline. Falcon Arrow gets two. Eddie gets a tilt a whirl backbreaker after a back body drop by B2.Backdrop and Eddie’s feeling froggy. Frog Splash hits to end this.

Winner: Eddie Guerrero by pinfall (4:06)

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Al Wilson is too tired (or too dead) to bang Dawn again. Also, it burns when he pees now.

A-Train tells Heyman and Show to leave Brock alone till he’s done with him. Across the world, people who think A-Train sucks because he can’t do a hurricanrana or a T-bone suplex have a collective heart attack because- horror of horrors-they’re letting large man talk as well as wrestle. Those fools in WWE.

Commercial break… apparently Nathan Jones spent ten years in prison in Australia.

And we’re back.

A-Train vs. Brock Lesnar: A-Train’s backbreaker is apparently called the Train Wreck.

Lockup to start and A-Train tosses Brock across the ring. Lesnar stomps amudhole.. Cross Corenr whip but A-Train gets the boot up. Brock ducks the bicycle kick but gets Baldo Bombed for two. A-Train keeps Brock down with clubs to the back and a high knee. Hotshot, but Brock ducks a clothesline and hits a powerslam.A-Train no sells a clothesline but gets a trio of belly to belly suplexes for his trouble. A-Train headbutts out of a fourth, but Brock reverses a whip to the F5, and that’s all she wrote.

Winner: Brock Lesnar by pinfall (3:03)

Brock on the mic, calls out Show and Heyman. He says it’s time for his lesson, so they should come to the ring. Show and Heyman walk until they get to a T-junction leading to either the ring or the parking lot. Heyman looks at the camera, and says that he has a strategy for beating Brock at the Rumble, because just when Brock thinks they’re going left, they go right. Show and Heyman leave to the parking lot, only pausing so Heyman can hit his “Gotcha!” into the camera.

We cut to Dawn and Al’s hotel room, where paramedics are shocking Al with defibrillator paddles, and we fade on that. Oh, he’s dead? Darn. (The character, I mean. I’m not completely heartless.)

End of show.

Match Breakdown

Big Show (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Rikishi: As defensive I am of power wrestlers, these guys suck. And a two minute abdominal stretch is virtually inexcusable.
John Cena vs. Chavo Guerrero: The rap gimmick is a necessary evil, I guess, because Cena really is quite decent in the ring. Buchannan, however, is one of those more common unnecessary evils.
Matt Hardy vs. Billy Kidman: Nice work from both here. Though they didn’t say as much, I have to assume it was non-title, even though Hardy would make a decent cruiser champ.
Tajiri vs. Jamie Noble: I don’t know why but I didn’t give a crap about this. It was good and all, but what was the point?
Charlie Haas vs. Edge: Now this is more like it. Edge had his working boots on tonight, and Haas is pretty impressive.
Shelton Benjamin vs, Chris Benoit: So, how long till they start a program with Brock and Shelton? Nice little match, and I liked Benjamin’s desperate pinning maneuver series.
Shannon Moore vs. Bill DeMott: I love the Mattitude stuff, but why are thy feeding the whole cruiser division to Hugh Morrus of all people?
Eddie Guerrero vs. B2: Not as bad as I’d expected, actually. Though that’s not saying much.
A-Train vs. Brock Lesnar: I wonder why they didn’t stick A-Train with Cena instead of Buchannan. He’s better in the ring, and A-Train sounds more hip hop. Also, both are from Boston. Not bad, but I know I’m the only one who’ll think so.

Thanks for reading. See you next week.