Cook’s WWE Fastlane 2018 Report Card

Hi, hello & welcome to the Report Card for FastLane 2018! Or as I call it: “The Reason We Can’t Have Single-Branded PPVs Anymore”. Let’s be honest, the build for this show has been as inspired as the 2017-18 Louisville Cardinals Men’s Basketball Season. While Raw has been hitting some high notes on the Road to WrestleMania, SmackDown has been mired in irrelevance & impotency. The matches on tonight’s show should be fine, but we don’t have much reason to care going in. Let’s see if they can overcome that.

Here’s how I grade the WWE Superstars…

A – Outstanding. Great moves, selling, interaction with the fans, everything. Stands out as a top performer.
B – Above Average. Very good offensively or defensively. Plays their role well. Helps the match accomplish what it set out to do.
C – Average. The type of performance that does nothing to stand out. No outstanding moves, no great effort to sell their opponent’s offense or draw the crowd into what they’re doing, just bland, basic wrestling. Sometimes, especially in a multi-man match, a short period of time spent in the ring without a chance to do too much.
D – Below Average. Poor execution, ignoring the crowd, not doing things that make sense.
F – Failure. Not doing anything useful. Actively holding the match back from accomplishing its objective.

Renee Young, Booker T, Sam Roberts & David Otunga host the Kickoff Show. Charly Caruso’s backstage for the first time I can remember at a SmackDown show. New Day cut a good promo. Jinder Mahal came out and we found out Booker T still has heat with Bobby Roode. I assume this stems from when Roode beat Booker in a match & Traci Brooks got whipped due to a pre-match stipulation.

KickOff Show 6-Man Tag Team Match: Tye Dillinger, Fandango & Tyler Breeze vs. Mojo Rawley, Chad Gable & Shelton Benjamin

One of these days Mojo is going to injure himself during his entrance. I just have a feeling. Gable told Breeze he was a joke, so Fandango tagged in. Dilinger gives Fandango the Rick Steiner headgear so he can wrestle. It didn’t work. Gable drops to all fours & Breeze rides him like a bronco. Some quick offense from the fashionable folks before Breeze takes a front bump on a monkey flip. Breeze gets worked over during the commercial & for a bit after. Columbus feels that Mojo can’t wrestle, and he attempts to prove them right. Dillinger tags in & he’s a house afire. Gable hits a rolling kick & Dillinger fights out of their finisher. Modified Tye-Breaker on Mojo gets the three count!

Mean Mojo on the "You can't wrestle" chants. pic.twitter.com/Q48ppUsaC9

— TDE Wrestling (@totaldivaseps) March 11, 2018

This wasn’t much as a match. Mojo was the epitome of “just kinda there”, & BenjiGable didn’t seem too interested either. Dillinger & Breezango were able to get the crowd going though. Dillinger especially seems like a guy the fans would love to get behind if he ever did anything. Will he?

Grades
Fashion 10: C
MojBenjiGable: D+

Nearly everybody on the roster does cell phone selfie promos to open the show. It’s SmackDown’s thing now apparently.

Rusev vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

They’re starting out with the people I care about most. Marcelo Rodriguez is very happy about Rusev Day. Aiden Englsh laying down the vocals! Some chain wrestling to start. Rusev works over the arm with various arm wringers. Nakamura gains an upper hand, tells Rusev to COME ON & Rusev bails to the outside. After some stalling, Nakamura gets distracted by English & Rusev takes control. Nakamura locks in a heel hook, but Rusev responds with a twisting slam for two. Rusev still favoring that heel. The way he tries to get it back into place is great. Nakamura fights back. Rusev tries to fight out of a front face lock with an atomic drop, but that pesky leg isn’t helping the effort. He eventually turns Nakamura into a fall away slam. Cro Cop style kick gets a nearfall for the Bulgarian Brute. He sets up for the Machka Kick, but Nakamura fires back. They exchange shots. Rusev goes for a rollup, then tries to go into the Accolade! Nakamura fights back again, and motions for the Kinshasa…Jesus, Rusev kicked his head into the third row! Nakamura somehow survives. He fights out of the Accolade, hits a modified Kinshasa, then a regular one finishes Rusev!

Nakamura is known for dogging it sometimes, but you can’t dog it when you’re in there with Rusev. You better bring the fight or you’ll get eaten alive. Nakamura brought it tonight, but he doesn’t grade as well for me as Rusev. Dude just does all the little things right.

Grades
Nakamura: B+
Rusev: A

US Title Match: Champion Bobby Roode vs. Randy Orton

Let’s see what these guys can do before Jinder comes out. I like how now the announcers put over Orton’s coolness & how he doesn’t get rattled. This is a guy that used to have Intermittent Explosive Disorder. The fans get behind Orton early. Both men tease their finishers & the other fights out & ducks outside. Jinder is shown backstage wearing his rasslin’ attire. It’s not often you see Randy Orton in a chinlock, but that’s where we’re at here. Roode trying to beat the Viper at his own game. Some work on the ribs by Orton earlier pays off when Roode can’t suplex Orton. Roode begins to fight back & talk about how Glorious things are, but that’s a precursor to a string of Randy Orton offense. Roode answers with a Blockbuster for a near-fall. His woos still need work but the chops are ok. Draping DDT by Orton & he starts to hear the voices while motioning at that WrestleMania sign. Not a full point, more of a gesture. Roode fights out of the DDT, he ends up clotheslining Orton outside. The outside plays to Orton’s advantage though, as Roode gets introduced to the barricade on a couple of occasions. Roode kicks out, they go up top & Roode ends up hitting a power bomb for two. Back up top, and this time it’s a superplex by Orton! Roode kicks out. Some more reversals lead to a spinebuster by Roode for two. Roode makes the cardinal mistake of jumping off the second rope & not expecting Randy Orton to hit the RKO. You can guess what happened next. New champion!

Jinder Mahal comes out afterward to attack Orton, but Roode comes to his rescue & hits the Glorious DDT! He hits it on Orton too. Triple Threat at WrestleMania confirmed?

This was a really good match that didn’t have much heat throughout. Orton & Roode are both that kind of worker, honestly. Really good, but unspectacular except for one thing. Orton has the RKO, Roode has his entrance. I’m not sure if adding Jinder to that cocktail improves the in-ring product, but it does give the fans somebody to boo.

Grades
Orton: B
Roode: B

Ronda Rousey video! This is how SmackDown gets the rub off of her being in WWE I suppose.

Sami Zayn says he will not let Kevin Owens down. I get the feeling he will.

Natalya & Carmella vs. Naomi & Becky Lynch

Becky’s gear is straight fire, as she probably said on Twitter earlier. She & Carmella start & Carmella screams like a crazy person when almost put in the Disarmer. Natalya tags in & gets kicked by both Becky & Naomi. A series of moves that kinda hit from Naomi. Sitout powerbomb from Natalya, who then asks the crowd if they like Naomi. I’m not sure what Columbus likes, to be honest. They seem high on the Buckeyes. Carmella hits a broncobuster but doesn’t really bust the bronco. Kind of defeats the purpose of the move. Carmella with the move Candice Michelle used to do. Carmella laying in the slaps now. Becky finally tags in, hits the Bexsploder & heads up top. I have no idea what she did as Carmella was in front of the camera. Not that I’m complaining. Naomi tags back in, tags back out, a leg drop by Becky gets two. Naomi bumps outside. Nattie does and lands on the briefcase. I was waiting for somebody to. Carmella with the Trish headscissors out of the corner for two. A superkick after a Natalya distraction ends it in favor of Carmella & Natalya.

Not the best of showings for anybody involved here. Sometimes you just have a bad night at the office. Carmella was trying, and she’ll get those old school moves down eventually. Not quite F material to me, but I’m feeling generous tonight.

Grades
Carmnattie: D
Beckomi: D

The New Day wants to host the Kids’ Choice Awards. They get slimed.

Smackdown Tag Team Title Match: Champions the Usos vs. The New Day

Good luck, fellas! Xavier & Kofi represent New Day tonight. Xavier gets his head kicked off, but the Usos seem in no hurry to end the match. They do a Unicorn Stampede in the corner. Kofi tags in & is full of flying kicks & strikes. Boom Drop! Kofi mocks the Usos chant & the Rikishi butt smash in the corner, and that just makes the Usos mad. There’s a Boom Drop from Jimmy to Kofi. He tries Trouble in Paradise, then the Usos hit the Midnight Hour for a two count. Now the New Day do a bunch of superkicks. Then they do the Usos splash for a two count. Basically these teams are doing each others’ moves. It’s a novel way to freshen things up. The Double Uce doesn’t happen. The Usos dive over the top rope & take out all three New Day members.

As everybody is down on the floor, we get a Bludgeon Brothers entrance? Well ok then. This will make a lot of Internet people angry. Sure enough, they attack both Usos & all the New Day members. The New Day gets wiped out, and now it’s the Usos’ turn. Harper & Rowan don’t mid slapping each other around either, or even slamming each other on top of people. The crowd wants tables, but they get mallets instead. Xavier makes the mistake of grabbing Harper’s ankle, so they take the steps & powerbomb him on them.

The match itself was interesting, I guess they found a way to entertain themselves until their inevitable destruction. It was a good way to tell the story that the Bludgeon Brothers are for real. I’m not as tied to the New Day/Usos rivalry as many are, so I imagine a lot of people recapping this will be angry.

It’s kind of jarring to go from a dead Xavier Woods to a smiling Renee Young. AJ Styles has a tough road ahead, and he doesn’t appreciate Shinsuke Nakamura.

Smackdown Women’s Title Match: Champion Charlotte Flair vs. Ruby Riott

Both women attempt their finishes early with no luck. The Riott Squad didn’t accompany Ruby to the ring during her entrance, but they appear early on anyway to distract. A Riott Kick gets a two count. Charlotte gets rolled outside, but Naomi & Becky Lynch come down to prevent Liv Morgan & Sarah Logan from interfering. Ruby goes for the 3 Amigos, but Charlotte reverses into the slingshot suplex. Ruby’s reverse senton gets two. She locks in a straitjacket hold for quite a long period of time. Another reverse senton gets knees in the back, & it’s time for Charlotte to fight back. Not for long though, as she goes up top for a moonsault & Ruby pushes her off. Ruby dives outside, but gets caught by Charlotte & slammed into the barricade. She then hits the moonsault off the barricade. She goes up top, but Ruby follows her up & hits a rana for two. Charlotte hits some kind of move that knocks Ruby into the ropes. Ruby knocks Charlotte into the corner, then the Riott Squad acts like they’re getting into the ring. Becky & Naomi get into the ring to respond, then they get kicked out! Logan & Morgan follow them out soon after. Charlotte fights back. Ruby with an inside cradle off the figure 4 attempt for two. She goes for a reverse rana but gets whipped into the turnbuckle instead. Charlotte hits the spear, and then the figure 8! Charlotte retains.

Pretty solid match here, with a great showing from Riott to prove she belongs on this level. I could have lived without the drama from the ringside seconds, but it furthered along the story & gives Naomi & Becky some sense of purpose.

Grades
Flair: B
Riott: B

ASUKA emerges after the match! Looks like she’s decided which champion she wants to face at WrestleMania. She stares at Charlotte & points at the sign! I figured this was the direction things were going in, but that doesn’t make it any less exciting.

WWE Title Match: Champion AJ Styles vs. John Cena vs. Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens

Shane McMahon comes down & sits at ringside for reasons. He notably applauds during Sami’s entrance, probably because it interrupted Kevin’s. Cena delivers AAs to everybody except AJ, and they face off for a minute & get the fans excited. These guys are pretty good. The other four guys get back in the ring & it’s 5 vs. Cena! That’s what happens when you AA everybody. They gang up on him for a bit, toss him out of the ring, then turn on each other. AJ takes turns with everybody. Phenomenon DDT on Sami gets two. Styles & Owens exchange shots up top. Styles gets knocked off, then everybody comes in. Owens hits a big splash on Ziggler for two. Cena takes center stage & hits the five knuckle shuffle on Ziggler & Zayn. Ziggler reverses the AA into the Rocker Dropper for two. No superkick, instead it’s Cena locking in the STF. Styles breaks it up. Styles Clash on Cena gets a two count thanks to Sami. Corbin takes Owens’ head off with a clothesline, and delivers a Deep 6 to Styles. He tosses Ziggler into the rafters, then into the front row. He checks Ziggler through the hockey boards! The Blue Jackets would probably take him on their defense. Owens tries to do something to Styles on the table, but takes too much time yapping. Styles clotheslines Sami into the timekeeper’s position. Cena joins Owens on the table, sets up the AA but nah. It’s Styles that runs into an AA through the English announce table! Sami knocks Cena out of the ring, and it’s him & Kevin in the ring! Kevin’s all about it, but Sami won’t fight. He lies down! Kevin seems reluctant to cover. He grabs Sami, then Sami tries a rollup, and they start fighting! Sami tried to do the right thing! KO goes for a powerbomb on the apron, but Sami reverses with a backdrop! Sami starts talking trash to Shane! KO sneaks up on Sami & tries a superkick, but catches Shane instead! Sami with the tornado DDT! He sets up the Helluva kick, but KO with the superkick! Ziggler’s back, and he eats a pop-up powerbomb…Shane yanks the referee out! He thinks Kevin superkicked him on purpose! Sami with the Helluva Kick, and Shane breaks that up too! Ziggler tries to cover, then Sami breaks it up! Meanwhile Corbin re-emerges after whacking Cena with the steps, and he gives Sami & Ziggler the same treatment. Cena back in, and he gets those steps. Whacks the man like it’s WWF No Mercy. AA on the steps! Ziggler breaks it up. Cena takes Ziggler out! Owens takes Cena out! Styles with the Phenomenal Forearm to Owens! And still.

I never felt like AJ wouldn’t win the match, but it was a fun ride getting there. It would appear that Shane has to be involved with Kevin & Sami in some fashion at WrestleMania, I think the Ziggler rumors were a smokescreen. The Cena mystery continues. Maybe Corbin will go for the Andre battle royal title again. Fun piece of business.

Grades
Styles: A-
Cena: B+
Corbin: B
Ziggler: B
Zayn: A-
Owens: B+

Final Thought

Not too many surprises this evening, but some solid wrestling that set things up for WrestleMania. As flawed a brand as SmackDown’s been over the past several months, they can still deliver some good things. There were some down notes on the evening, but nothing really worth complaining about. Now I gotta get ready for twelve hours of WrestleMania.

For more of Steve Cook’s thoughts on pro wrestling, along with his thoughts on Nashville Predators hockey, follow him on Twitter!