Dark Pegasus Video Review: The Royal Rumble 2010

Royal Rumble 2010 by J.D. Dunn Twitter.com/jddunn411 Brightkite.com/jddunn411 Facebook.com/jddunn411 Examiner.com January 31, 2010 Live from Atlanta, Ga. Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker. ECW Heavyweight Title: Christian vs. Ezekial Jackson (w/William Regal). This is part of a long feud between Regal’s mini-stable and Christian. It goes about like you’d expect with Zeke overpowering Christian at every turn and Christian using his veteran cunning. Regal gets tossed pretty early on for his double-knavery. Zeke warms my cockles… or perhaps the sub-cockle area by acting like a big, black Stan Hansen. Check out the clothesline to the back of the head off the missed back elbow. I remember when Big Stan used to do that to Kobashi. Jackson does okay, but Christian survives long enough to slip out of the Oklahoma Stampede and hit the Killswitch at 12:00. This was a little better than I thought it would be. Christian did a decent job of playing tackling dummy while still keeping things interesting. **1/4 In the back, Cryme Tyme accosts Theodore Long and woefully underutilized Tiffany to play “Let’s Make a Deal.” The Great Khali also shows up to do some shtick surrounding “Pants on the Ground.” The Miz interrupts to point out exactly what I was thinking – how irrelevant that will be… well, now really. Then again, I probably shouldn’t throw stones. Teddy puts him in a match for his insolence. Cody Rhodes tries to make nice with Randy Orton – or rather to throw Ted Dibiase under the bus. U.S. Title: The Miz vs. MVP. MVP takes it right to him early. Meh. Miz knocks him off the apron to the announce table to take over, though. Miz hits the Sydal Clothesline and a double ax-handle for two. Strikerism of the night: WrestleMania-time means you don’t need to wear a jacket outside anymore. He makes up for that nonsensical nugget by referencing Men on a Mission. MVP actually busts out the Pounce to come back, but Miz avoids the Yakuza Kick. Reversals follow, and Miz small packages MVP for the win at 7:29. Miz gets a little mouthy after the match and eats a Playmaker. This would have been better if MVP wasn’t Tito Santana ’91 right now. ** In the back, Chris Jericho tries to make nice with the Big Show after their breakup. Show promises to look out for only himself. R-Truth pops up and threatens to throw Jericho out himself. Ted Dibiase tries to make nice with Randy Orton (yes, I realize it’s the third time I’ve used that lead-off, but, well, I’m not the one booking the WWE like it’s Dr. Phil). He throws Cody under the bus. WWE Heavyweight Title: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton. Sorry. Looking back on Sheamus’s run, I’m still not sure why they picked him over anyone else (other than the obvious ‘connections’ thing). How low do you have to be to lose out to bearded Ron Weasley in marketability? The fans love Orton by default in the same way Sandra Bullock probably misses Matthew McConaughey right about now. The match is as boring as… not… being able to come up with a cogent simile. Orton avoids the Irish Carbomb and hits the rope-assisted DDT for two. Sheamus rolls to the floor to avoid the punt where Cody Rhodes attacks him in full view of the ref. The ref gets into an extended argument with Rhodes, allowing Orton to hit the RKO and make the audience think Orton is going to win the title. Nope. DQ at 12:24. After the match, Orton puts a beating on both Cody and Ted before getting booted in the face by Sheamus. The match exposed Sheamus as bland on offense and Orton as, um, let’s say “disinterested” in getting him over. * WWE Women’s Title: Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James. McCool brings out Layla in a fat suit pretending to be “Piggy James.” Oh, the hilarity. The real Mickie shows up, hits the DDT and takes back the title in :20. Post-match: Mickie kicks Layla’s head off, and the babyfaces dump a cake on the heels. Michelle sells it like Chris Hargensen finding out her prom tickets are being refused. 1/4* World Heavyweight Title: The Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio. Mysterio beat Batista to earn this shot, which is odd because I would have bet good money on a Undertaker vs. Batista rematch here. Rey tries to stick-and-move, but Taker casually dumps him. Rey tries to springboard back in and gets soupboned right back out. Awesome early sequence sees Rey counter the chokeslam to a huracanrana only to have the Undertaker counter the 619 to a Tombstone. Rey wiggles free to save his life, but his springboard attempt gets him booted right out of the sky. That’s so cool! Taker seems generally grumpy tonight, so Rey is probably in for a metaphorical deep-dicking. Rey avoids a boot, and Taker posts himself. Taker avoids a baseball slide and just chokeslams Rey into the barricade. Back in, Rey recovers and hits the seated dropkick. A pair of 619s sets up the West Coast Pop, but Taker just catches him and plants him with the Last Ride at 11:08. Very Vaderish performance from the Undertaker as he not only used his brute strength, but once Rey tried to use his speed and cunning to even things up, Taker was all, “Oh, by the way, I’m a good wrestler too… and pissed off, so we’re not doing that.” ***3/4 In the back, Kane gives Shawn Michaels some friendly advice – don’t get obsessed with the Undertaker. Afterwards, Triple H comes in and makes nice with Shawn. Seriously, what’s with all the segments repairing relationships on this show? It’s not like we’re going to forget that it’s all based on conflict. Hunter tells Shawn that he’ll have to find another way to face the Undertaker because Hunter is taking it home. Put it in the bank. It’s a lock. Royal Rumble: Dolph Ziggler is #1. Evan Bourne is #2. Bourne uses his wacky kicks’n’stuff offense to discombobulate Ziggler. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag and tosses Bourne, but Bourne lands on his feet and hits the Bourne Supremacy (come on, it’s a better name than “Air Bourne”). CM Punk (with Serena) is #3. He tosses Bourne into Ziggler and eliminates them both. With time to kill, Punk promises victory on the mic. JTG is #4. He unleashes a flurry of offense but mounts Punk in the corner and gets dumped. Duh. More sermon from Punk. The Great Khali is #5. Punk tries to get Khali to accept straight-edge into his life. Instead, Khali chops Punk in the head and tries to squeeze his eyeballs out like he’s Paul Kratka. Haha… movie references. Beth Phoenix is #6. Khali is surprised to see her, but he sets her down on the apron nicely. Beth returns the favor by kissing Khali and pulling him to the floor. Whatever works. Beth actually kicks Punk’s ass before falling victim to the Go2Sleep. Zach Ryder is #7. Punk offers him a spot in the straight-edge army before jumping him and eliminating him. Triple H is #8. The two go nose-to-nose, which requires Hunter to drive to Athens. Yeah, I know I’ve used it before. Punk runs right into the spinebuster. Drew McIntyre is #9 and is in no hurry. Hunter goes after him, leaving himself open for a Punkout. Hunter blocks the Go2Sleep, though, and tosses Punk to the horror of the crowd. Ted Dibiase is #10. The heels team up against Triple H. John Morrison evens things up at #11. He hits Starship Pain on McIntyre. Morrison saves Hunter who thanks him by taking his head off. Kane is #12. Striker calls him the favorite. He destroys everyone, just because that’s the one good thing he can do. Cody Rhodes is #13. Cody saves Ted and then dropkicks Morrison out of the air. Legacy goes after Kane, but Hunter saves. MVP is #14, but he gets laid out by the Miz. Kane returns the favor by saving Hunter from Legacy. See, that’s why Hunter is the Cerebral Assassin. He accurately predicted the one night in his life in which Kane would favor reciprotic altruism as a strategy. Carlito is #15. Backstabbers abound. The Miz is #16. He puts an end to Carlito with the SCF. MVP returns and eliminates both Miz and himself. Matt Hardy is #17. He actually looks rather svelte. He hits Drew with the Twist of Fate but goes up, and Kane just shoves him over. “Dude, I impregnated your girlfriend!” Hunter sneaks up and shoves Kane out. “Yeah, well, who hasn’t-ughh?!” Shawn Michaels is #18. There goes Carlito. There goes Cody. There goes Ted. The Tidal Wave misses, and there goes Morrison. McIntyre gets ping-ponged between DX, and they eliminate him. John Cena is #19, so we get a replay of The Survivor Series showdown. Cena dominates both guys. Really?! Really? Big “ouch” spot as he drops Hunter right on Shawn’s head. Hunter saves Shawn from going out and Pedigrees Cena. Oops, that leaves him open for the Sweet Chin Music. There goes Hunter. Big “shock” pop for that. Shelton Benjamin is #20. He hits Paydirt on both guys but gets tossed by Cena. Yoshi Tatsu is #21 and does okay for a Japanese schoolgirl. He looks like Ricky Steamboat, circa 1991. Cena dumps him pretty quickly, though. The Big Show is #22. Cena and Shawn team up against him, but they’re not exactly Ax and Smash, so Show is able to fight them off. Shawn gets dumped twice but hangs on twice. Mark Henry is #23. OH YEAH! Show and Henry go face-to-face. Cena and Henry team up to take on Show. That turns into a trainwreck. Chris Masters is #24. King refuses to pick a winner. Masters, like an idiot, tries to put Show in the Masterlock and gets dumped. Back to flexing your man-tits. R-Truth is #25. He eliminates both Henry and the Big Show. Hang on. Let me rewind that. Yes. That did happen. Huh. I’m shocked that TNA didn’t find some way to try and capitalize on that. This week on Impact, Dixie Carter has an astounding announcement that you won’t wanna miss involving a former TNA Champion! Jack Swagger is #26. “Sup Dawg, we heard you like Americans, so we put an All-American in your American so you can be American while you drive!” Swagger pump-splashes Shawn and clotheslines him out, but Shawn holds on again. Kofi Kingston is #27. CONTROLLED FRENZY! Striker calls him the statistical favorite because #27 yields more winners than any other number. Speaking of announcers who say stupid things, does anyone else wish that the car Joe Buck picks out in that National Car Rental commercial is wired to blow? Kofi gets rid of future champion Jack Swagger. Truth goes after Kofi and gets tossed too. Chris Jericho is #28. He goes after Shawn but takes an elbow to the heart. Shawn tunes up the band but gets nailed with Trouble in Paradise. Cena grabs Kofi and tosses him. Big boos for that. Cena turns around into the Codebreaker. Only Jericho is left standing, which is perfect when Edge returns at #29! SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! There goes Jericho! Shawn goes after Edge but gets an Edge-o-Matic. Cena tries the AA and gets Edgecuted. Batista is #30. So your final four are Shawn, Cena, Batista and Edge. Batista busts everyone’s spine before turning around into a spear from Edge. Cena adjusts Edge’s attitude. Striker says Edge doesn’t have the same vigor because he came back too soon. King rightly points out how stupid that statement is given that he was killing it just moments before. Striker, why can’t you be more like Cole? Shawn superkicks Cena before getting dumped to the apron. It looks like he’ll survive, but Batista knocks him out to the horror of the crowd. Shawn won’t accept defeat and gives Charles Robinson the opportunity to bust out the greatest selljob in superkick history. Way to go, Lil Naitch! Finally, Shawn walks back to the locker room talking to himself. Batista charges Cena and gets dumped. Edge readies for the spear, but Cena punts him in the chest. Edge spins him around and tosses him at 49:24. Well, that was anticlimactic. Not Edge’s win, just the sequence. Loved most of the Rumble, especially given that they just threw out the interval rules and had guys come in whenever it was convenient. If it makes it better, I’m all for it. Lack of star power at certain times and some questionable decisions kept this one from being an all-time classic, but it was still highly entertaining. Punk’s performance and Shawn’s long-running thread are major highlights. ****1/4

The 411: Fun show with a fantastic Rumble and title match. Could have done without the first-hour filler, but let's face it – we all come for the Rumble. The Rumble delivered in a big way, so thumbs up here. Recommended.
Final Score:  8.0   [ Very Good ]