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Hey kids! It’s the Season Premiere of Raw, and Tony Acero is conspicuous by his absence. I can only assume he’s celebrating the holiday of his Italian ancestors. I’m not here to judge people, I’m here to judge wrestling.

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Then! Now! Forever! Together!

Backstage, we see HHH, Shawn, DX & Road Dogg talking about if they’re ready. HHH asks them tnot to talk about genitals, and we get a lot of bleeping. We’ve got 4 rubber chickens. H tells them “No fighting.”

Corey Graves welcomes Kevin Patrick to the announce booth and they run down the card.

The Bloodline is here! They the ones! The length of this entrance gives me a chance to give a shoutout to the Iranian women that deserve a spot on the Island of Relevancy that Roman talks about. I hope they make their mark. . Paul passes the microphone to Roman. Roman asks Brooklyn to acknowledge him. Roman likes to move forward, not think about last week, but he can’t get past last Friday. His father told him that the loudest in the room is also the weakest in the room. Roman asks Jey if he’s a fool. Sami interrupts. Paul is outraged for a second but immediately apologizes. Sami would like to handle the situation with Jey. Roman grins and says that Sami really is the Honorary Uce, and says “He’s all yours”. Sami says we all love Jey. Sami & Roman had a really good talk the other night. They feel his behavior as of late hasn’t been very Ucey. Look at Jimmy, who doesn’t love Jimmy! Look at that smile! Look at Solo! Built like a brickhouse, he’s cool. They need Jey to be cool. Can he be cool? Jey asks if Roman is ribbing him. Sami is trying to make amends here, but here comes Matt Riddle. Riddle made Seth Rollins tap. He wants another show at Roman for the championship. Roman asks the crowd, and decides nahhh. Riddle needs to get to the back of the line and stay at the back of the line. The fans chant for Sami to step up to fight Riddle, and Jey eggs that on. The Bloodline say yeet! Sami lays down the challenge to Riddle for tonight. He accepts, yeet!

We got some Extreme Rules recapping to do! Go read my review on that stuff.

Austin Theory vs. Johnny Gargano: Austin evades a superkick and gets chopped a couple of times. Gargano stomps Theory in the corner. Gargano with a rana, then a kick that knocks Theory outside to the apron. Gargano goes for a DDT on the apron, but Theory reverses into a suplex onto said apron as we go to commercial.

We’re back, and Gargano is fighting back. Shoots through the ropes for a spear and gets two. Theory hits a big move for a two count of his own. Theory goes for his finish, but Gargano evades. Theory tries to lock in the Gargano Escape, Gargano gets out and locks in one of his own. Theory gets out, hits a superkick. Theory rolls into a superkick from Gargano. Gargano hits a tornado DDT on the floor. Gargano hits One Final Beat in the ring, and gets the three count!

Winner: Johnny Gargano

Solid piece of business that Jim Cornette won’t know what to do with, since he hates Gargano & loves Theory for reasons unknown to me.

Rey Mysterio vs. Chad Gable: Chad is shooshing people early and trying to get pins. Rey with a rana sending Master Gable to the outside, then Rey sends Gable into the barricade on the outside. Then we hear some Judgment Day music, and Dominik Mysterio & Rhea Ripley make their entrance as we go to commercial.

Rand Paul out here really trying to take credit for tax money coming to Kentucky. GTFO.

We’re back and Rey has the advantage over a likely Rand Paul voter. Gable hits a bridging German for two. Rey sends Chad into the ropes, hits the 619, a springboard splash and the win!

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Afterwards, Dominik enters the ring. Rhea eggs Dom on, and Dom wants Rey to hit him after shoving him. Dom slaps Rey. Finn Balor enters the ring and almost eats a 619, but Dom saves him from that. Dom says some curse words while begging to be hit. Rey doesn’t want to, which is his downfall in this situation. Dom hits a 619 while Finn holds Rey.

The Judgement Day is in the ring, and Rhea tells us that they run Monday Night Raw. Damian Priest tells us that Rhea speaks truth. He wants to talk about how Finn handled business at Extreme Rules. When you come at Finn, you best not miss. Finn ended the party and pissed on the parade, as he made Edge say “I Quit”. We see some clips from Extreme Rules, and Judgment Day enjoys them. Dom wants Rey to feel as useless as Rey has made him feel his entire life. Finn’s run out of mercy with Uncle Allen, and wants him to come down. AJ Styles doesn’t waste time and comes right down. AJ isn’t out here to argue. Finn is right. Everything AJ needed was standing in front of him. He’s been standing alone for far too long. He needs family. Is AJ not his brother’s keeper? AJ bows before the Judgment Day. Finn & AJ hug! However, AJ wasn’t talking about Finn!

He was talking about Gallows & Anderson! The OC has reunited! There’s fisticuffs! The Judgment Day is getting punched the heck out of town! They beg off! We’ve got a big multi-man match for the next big live event!

Damage Control gets interviewed by Byron Saxton. The jist of it is that Bayley will kick Candice LeRae’s ass.

Roman has decided that Sami will go wherever Jey goes. Solo is with him. As is the Wise Man. Jey doesn’t seem happy about this.

Bayley vs. Candice LeRae: >: I feel like these two have wanted a piece of each other for awhile, so this should be fun. Candice with some arm drags, then hits the Mr. Perfect neck snap for two. Candice hits a dropkick off the top rope. Bayley goes outside as we go to commercial.

We’re back and Candice is on the offensive. Snap mare, but Bayley goes to the knee. That’s what Bayley targeted during the commercial. Bayley with the KneeDT, she goes for a leglock but Candice rolls her up for the three count!

Winner: Candice LeRae

Iyo Sky & Dakota Kai attack Candice immediately afterward. Bianca Belair comes down! That doesn’t help much, as Bayley knocks Candice out with a knee. A triple team move puts Bianca down.

Miz & Maryse are backstage! Maryse gave Miz a baseball bat for his birthday present, so the next segment should run smoothly.

Maryse introduces the Miz for his birthday celebration. Miz is out here making Cleveland Guardians references like he’s watched a game all year. Then another present opening involves Dexter Lumis’s head. Dexter sneaks up on the Miz, and Miz runs away. Maryse is still there, and she gets away. Dexter deflates the balls in the ring. He eats a banana and the crowd pops. I have no idea. Tony would get this better than I.

DX pumps two guys up for the next match, then the Miz & Maryse come by to complain about what happened to them. Road Dogg books a match between Miz & Dexter Lumis for next week. Shawn asks if Miz has the balls to take him up on it.

Omos (w/MVP) vs. Two unnamed opponents: Snake Eyes to one, and a shoulderblock down. Slam. Smashes in the corner. Double chokeslam and that’s it.

Winner: Omos

More punishment for the jabronis after.

Let’s see the Bray Wyatt return again.

WWE United States Championship Match: Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Seth Rollins: Bobby runs down the list of people that he’s beaten. He calls out Seth, and gets Brock Lesnar’s theme music! There’s the beast! Brock enters the ring and squares off with the All Mighty. Brock lifts Lashley up and delivers an F-5! Then he takes Bobby to Suplex City! He locks in a Kimura Lock, and even if Bobby tapped it wouldn’t matter. The hell’s going on here? I’m not here every week, I don’t know how this format works!

Lashley was tended to during the commercial break, and now we’ll play Seth Rollins’ music so the fans can sing along. Rollins is rocking the DDP ribtape, but he’s still gotta be in better shape than Bobby right now. Rollins grabs the microphone and tells us that Bobby said he was supposed to be a fighting champion. A soldier! But Bobby’s a disgrace to the US title and his country! Bobby walks up towards the ring & enters. He wants the bell rung, there’s a Pedigree and a two count for Rollins. A frog splash from Rollins gets two! Rollins misses a stomp and Lashley lands a spear. Lashley goes for the Hurt Lock, but Rollin evades. Hits some strikes. Kicks the arm. Time for a stomp! Rollins conducts the audience. Hits another stomp and that’s the three count.

Winner: Seth Rollins

Lashley challenges Brock to show up next week. Of all the people that could possibly challenge Brock to show up next week, Lashley is among the most believable.

Matt Riddle vs. Sami Zayn: We got some weird tease before Riddle came out, which will probably pay off at some point. Elias will be back next week! Here’s Sami! Jimmy & Jey Uso are out with him, Jimmy looking a bit happier than Jey. Sami with a shoulderblock, then a headlock. Riddle kicks Sami down. Gets a two count, works a chinlock. Sami works out, hits a clothesline for two. Sami works Riddle on the ropes. Sami & Jey with some words, mostly Sami with words. Asai Moonsault on the floor by Sami as we go to commerical.

Sami working Matt over as we return. He ghoes up to the middle rope, Riddle evades, hits a Pele kick. Sami hits a Michinoku Driver for twooo. Riddle meets Sami up top, Sami blocks, but he dives into Riddle’s knee for two. Sami blocks Jey from interfering, then gets rolled up for two. Riddle with a splash onto the floor as we go to commerical.

Riddle runs into a boot. Zayn sets up in the corner, then suplexes Riddle into the corner. Riddle evades the Helluva kick, hits a suplex. Jey holds Jimmy back while Riddle kicks away at Sami on the outside! Back in the ring, Sami goes for Blue Thunder, Riddle hits the RKO as a reversal and gets three!

Winner: Matt Riddle

It’s DX time! Triple H, X-Pac, Road Dogg & Shawn Michaels out here to celebrate 25 years! This is Triple H’s home arena if nowhere else is. X-Pac gives a shoutout to Chyna, then Road Dogg does his customary entrance, letting the crowd fill in the Billy Gunn part. They’d be smart not to disrespect Daddy Ass too much. Triple H wants to know if the fans are ready. For the thousands in attendance, the millions at home, and for 25 years, thank you, we love you all, HHH needs to catch his breath first….let’s get ready to SUCK IT! HBK makes us promise that if they’re out there 25 years later, we need to put them out of their misery. Samesies with me, 411 commenters.