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RAWR

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Oh, thank god! So my stream wasn’t working, and I was worried I’d be missing something important. Thankfully, it comes to life, and I’ve missed Lana trying to cut a promo.

Unfortunately, it’s not completely over, and Lana is in the ring talking about loving Rusev when no one else did. She says that our chants got to his head. Rusev tells her to calm down, and Lana stumbles through her words, claming that he will violate the restraining order if he steps forward even though they are about two feet away. Rusev claims he needs protection. He made a nice video of last week when Lashley and Lana were arrested.

Lana calls him a selfish monster. She then pimps herself up. No one will ever love Rusev like she used to. He will never find someone like her agaaaaaaiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

Throughout all of this, King looks like he’s fighting back severe diarrhea without realizing it’s happening before his eyes.

Rusev wants them to sign divorce papers, and Rusev wants to sign first. Lana wants to sign it first, but wants the dog. They do some improv, and it’s horrible. Lana signs. Rusev wants something before he signs, though. Lana wonders if it’s sex he wants. Ruse says no, he wants a match with Lashley.

Rusev tells him to run away with her and get married. She’s just bad. He wants to live happily on Rusev Day!

Rusev signs and Lashley sends Rusev’s head into the table. They fight to the outside. Lashley sends Rusev into the barricade. Lashley sends him into it back first again. Lashley rolls Rusev into the ring. Rusev with a superkick. Rusev with a belly to belly toss into the table.

Charley speaks of last week, and piecing together the riveting mystery we were left with. Owens coms in to help he figure out why he was attacked last week. He says Rollins told them to, and he can deny it all he wants. He would guess that when Rollins was out there everyday, no one followed him and he was the only one to tell him he was full of crap. He’s lucky he got away.

He walks away and runs into Rey Mysterio, who offers his pipe.

The next match features Matt Hardy and Drew McIntyre. Drew comes down after Matt to talk shit bout his kids, calling them HARDLYs. Hahaha

Match 1: Drew McIntyre vs Matt Hardy
We come to the match already going down. Matt looks for a Twist of Fate on the outside, but Drew sends Matt into the steps instead. Drew rolls him back in and kicks him then mounts for a stomp. Drew rushes the corner, Matt dodges and hits the post. Side Effect. Cover for 1…NO! Drew with a freakin Future Shock DDT outta nowhere, lookin all kinds of bad ass.

Drew hits the corner. He is calling for it. He waits. Matt stands. CLAYMORE! Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Drew McIntyre
hahaha. HARDLYs.
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *

Earlier today, Charlotte interrupts Becky’s journal entry to tell her that she doesn’t like Becky, but she doesn’t like The Kabuki Warriors even more. She offers a team. Becky ain’t down, and says she’d rather take them on by herself, and that’s what’s going to happen.

Backstage, Owens is looking for the AOP. He asks Paige’s mom and ends up running into MOJOBBER Rowley. He messes with Owens a bit until Owens slaps the scarecrow mimickry right out his face.

The tag team champs are here, and it’s probably to squash another team we don’t care about. I’ve learned that wrestling fans either love these or hate them, and I’m part of the latter.

Lol Joe: “You gotta wonder if it’ll be any different tonight.”

They get some promo time sayin all they’ve encountered are victims, so tonight is an open challenge to any team who thinks they can take their gold.

Match 2: The Viking Raiders vs The Street Profits
Bell rings and Erik goes for some knees, but it doesn’t work out. We get some double team with Ford flying over the top rope. In the ring, Erik gets a spinebuster. Tag to Ford. He flies off the top with a frogsplash. Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! Ibar is there to stop the pin. He gets tossed out. Dawkins lifts Erik up, sits him on top of his shoulders. Ford to the top, flies eith a stomp, Erik sends Dawkins off, dodges the stomp, Dawkins runs into the tagged in Ibar, then he and Ford cartwheel off. Ford shakes the ropes an gets a swinging kick to the face for his troubles. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Tag to Erik. He hits a right to the face. Another. Dawkins literally just suplexed Ibar. Wow. Sick. Anyway, tag to Ford, and we get a double hip toss.

Winner:

Match Quality:
Personal Enjoyment:
Total Rating:

Seth Rollins comes out before the teams can even leave. He welcomes them to stay if necessary, but there’s something he needs to handle. SP and VR leave Seth in the middle of the ring, being sure to stare him down hard before they bounce.

Seth says he has some unfinished business with the AOP. He wants to fight them here and now.

Instead of AOP, Owens comes out with his pipe. He enters the ring as Seth tells ihm this doesn’t concern him. Owens says don’t worry about the pipe. It’s not for Seth, yet, it’s for the AOP. They’re not here, though. If they were, Owens would have found them – they’re not that smart. Owens wants to know when they will get here to beat his ass.

Rollins says he has nothing to do with them. There’s no association.

Backstage, a black SUV rolls up, and it’s the boyz. They’re heading to the ring. Or to catering. I’m unsure.

We return from the break, and Rollins is still claiming that he has nothing to do with the ass-kicking that they’re going to give Owens.

Owens says how about instead of waiting for it to be a 3-on-1, he could just beat Seth’s ass with the pipe before they even get here.

Seth says he is going to leave now. There’s no association between he and the AOP. He wishes Owens good luck and good night to the crowd. Owens claims that this won’t save him, because when Owens is done with AOP, he’ll come to find Rollins. He tells AOP that he’s not hard to find; he’s the loud one with the steel pipe.

On the tron, AOP opt to continue to speak in their native tongue.

Owens says they make strong points and he cannot argue with any of them. He prefers them to come down to the ring one at a time, but whatever.

Instead of AOP, Sami Zayn’s here!!!

Well, Sami and…Mojo Rawley? Lol. Ok.

Sami says he knows Owens is shocked. Yes, he’s a Smackdown dude who isn’t supposed to be here. But, he’s around the rules by applying and being accepted for a Managerial License. He is a liberator, Kevin. He sets people free. He tells Owens he is a prisoner in his own head. He has a lot on his plate. He tells Mojo to get in the ring alongside him. He doesn’t judge. He gets what’s on Owen’s plate, but what he did to MOJO was way out of line. Slapping him in the face was humiliating. Sami knows better than anyone how dangerous Kevin can be without guidance, and he would love to help, but he can’t even begin to help if he doesn’t start atl east by admitting that he was wrong. What he wants now is for Owens to apologize.

Mojo tells owens to look at Sami when he is talking. Sami tells him to calm down. He tells mojo to trust him and not to take that tone with Owens when he has a pipe in his hands, okay? Mojo says he’s not afraid. Why would he be afraid? Everybody is tough with a steel pipe in their hands.

Owens wants to test this. He tosses the pipe. Mojo catches it. STUNNER!

Sami don’t want none, so he leaves. Owens proceeds to beat Mojo down with the pipe. Cuz that’s what faces do.

Match 3: Aleister Black vs Akira Tozawa
Akira is ready to go. Black is…calm. Lockup. Side headlock from Black. Akira escapes, but Black locks the wrist. Snapmare from Akira who locks up from behind, only for Black to shake him off and work the wrist again. Akira blocks it, another snapmare but Black cartwheels out of it. Akira is shocked. Shocked, I say! He trips Akira. Akira up, locks up from behind. He shoves, Black rolls over the back, Akira hops over, gets arm dragged, again. Black tweaks the arm, Akira misses a right, He goes for ak ick, misses, Black misses, too .They both sit down and back up. Akira rushes, gets kicked, another right, Akira holds the ropes, uppercut to Black, he hits the ropes. Headscissors sends Black to the outside. Akira hits the ropes.

SUICIDE DIVE, but a JUMPING KNEE KILLS AKIRA!!! Black rolls Akira in the ring. Waits. BLACK MASS. Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Aleister Black
I don’t care what anyone says, that was a five star match. Holy shit…
Match Quality: *****
Personal Enjoyment: *****
Total Rating: *****

We take a quick channel change to Telemundo and watch as Humberto and Andrade go in on each other in Spanish.

Match 4: Humberto Carrillo vs Andrade
Dropkick from Andrade to start, followed by a bunch of stomps. Andrade is pissed. He chops Humberto in the corner, who tries to fight out. Whip, wheelbarrow into an arm drag, hits the ropes. Back body drop by Andrade. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Andrade drops Humberto, keeping him grounded. Carrillo stands into the hold, but eats an elbow from Andrade. Andrade sends Humberto into the corner. Chop from Andrade. Dropkick from Andrade. Cover for 1…2…NO! Andrade whips from the corner into the opposite, is blocked, but hits a right. Chop to the chest. He grabs the hair and sends Carrillo into the ropes. Kick from Humberto. He runs, gets lifted to the top, turns, flying crossbody. Humberto on his feet. Hits the ropes, uses the ropes for an arm drag. Andrade to the outside. Humberto hits the corner, onto the post, waits, moonsault to Andrade! Back and Humberto with a springboard crossbody. Kick to the face of Andrade. Humberto with a rolling standing moonsault. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Humberto up first. He waits, running clothesline in the corner. Chop to Andrade. He sits Andrade on the top rope, spreads the legs, climbs up top. Andrade shoots the legs. STOMP TO THE CHEST! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Andrade stomps Humberto in the corner. Andrade hit the corner, goes for the knees, Humberto moves!!! He flies to the otp rope and comes off with a missile dropkick! Humberto wants the Aztec Press, doesn’t get all of it, covers for 1..2..NO!!!! hubmerto locks up from behind. Reverses. Elbow from Humberto. He misses a dropkick. Back elbow from Andrade! Andrade drags Humberto, preparing for the top rope. Andrade to the top. Waits. MOONSAULT, lands on his feet. KNEES TO THE FACE!!!!! Andrade hits the corner. HUMBERTO UP! DROPKICK INTO THE CORNER!!! Zelina on the apron. Andrade shoves Humberto. He stops, moves.

Humberto shoves Andrade! He hits Zelina! Zelina flies off. Humberto hops atop the shoulders. Rollup for 1..2…..3!!!

Winner: Humberto Carrillo
Nicely done, fellas.
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

After the match, Andrade yells at Zelina that this is her problem. They argue, pointing at each other back and forth.

Backstage, Rey is standing without his pipe! He has the honor of defending his title against AJ Styles. This title means everything to him. His son has reminded him of how important his name is. He will win to prove to him, his family, and the Universe that he is proud to be called Rey Mysterio and the US Champ.

Match 5: Buddy Murphy vs Zack Ryder
Stomps from Murphy in the corner as soon as the match starts. He gets blocked but just pulls Ryder out form under his feet, then kicks his back hard. Cover for 1..2.NO!!! Knees to the back followed by a hard kick. Cover again. Ryder is able to escape, then drops Murphy face first. He rushes the corner, gets kicked. Dropkick from Ryder. He hits a splash/fist in the corner. Goes for the Broski Boot and gets it. Murphy to the outside. Hawkins stands by, promising not to hit, so Murphy punches the shit out of him.

Ryder sends him into the ring, checks on Hawkins, runs back in, gets a knee then Murphy’s Law and it’s over at 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Buddy Murphy
Squishy
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: ½*

Backstage, Owens saunters over to the truck that AOP came in. Considering there’s only two of them, they should really consider an alternate transportation.

Owens, for some reason, decides to smash in some windows with the pipe. He then scratches up the truck a bit, followed by opening the back door. There is someone seated in a chair looking forward. AOP come from behind and beatdown Kevin Owens.

Pipes fall so you know it’s real. They head over to their truck, grab the door, and send it into the side of the face of Kevin Owens.

The dude in the car turns around in the swivel chair that was seemingly set up for this specific purpose and removes his hoodie. It’s Seth. It’s come to this. He says it’s a shame, then apologizes before stomping his head into the cement. Seth looks over to both members of the AOP then walks off, and they follow…

Seth is back to give his part. He is upset. He sticks his neck out for us. He gives it his all night in and night out. He gets spat on, disrespected, and he’s sick of it. He came out last week and told Owens that he had nothing to do with the AOP, and that was the truth. But the truth isn’t good enough for us. We called him a liar because some blithering idiot and flavor of the month – who couldn’t lace his boots – called him a liar, and we jumped on that bandwagon. He did what he does, he let it slide. He comes out this week, tries to tell him that he’s got nothing to do with the AOP, and that was the truth. Once again, the trugh is not good enough. Tell him, in 2019, what is good enough for us? What? What does he have to do? Does he have to kill himself? He beat Brock twice, brought the title home, what’s good enough?

He’s tired of us pushing him. It’s time for him to push back. Our negativitiy has turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It has turned our fiction into fact. Turned him to stand side by side with two men who understand and stand side by side with the AOP.

Their music hits and out comes the AOP.

Backstage, Owens is getting the stretcher job.

Match 6: Becky Lynch vs The Kabuki Warriors
The match starts stressful for Becky as she gets distracted far more htan she’d like to, allowing Asuka to stomp her into hell. She gives her the boot in the corner till the ref hits four. Becky drags herself up, and Asuka hits a booty bump in the corner. Asuka fights Becky into the center with a snapmare. Kick to the back and a cover for 1..2…NO! We get a break.

Come back to Becky hitting a Becksploder to Sane out of the corner. Asuka walks up. Kick to Asuka. She hits a neckbreaker DDT combo on both girls. Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! Asuka gets the tag. She shoves a dropkick away from Sane then dodges a dropkick from the top rope. She goes for a leg drop, but Asuka moes. ASUKA LOCK! Lynch is near the rope. Asuka is on her back. Becky stands. She breaks the holds. Becky from behind. ASUKA LOCK ON ASUKA! Sane is there to pull Asuka out of the ring to break the hold. Sane attacks Becky then checks on her girl. Sane sends Asuka back in the ring. Sane sends Becky—nooooNecky sends Sane into the barricade. Asuka goes for a kick, but Becky swings Asuka, sending her face first into the apron. She dives off the apron into a knee! Ref is still counting. He gets to 9 as Sane holes onto Becky’s leg. Becky kciks her away. She rolls in! She makes it! Asuka is there to hit a Shining Wizard and pin for 1..2..NO!!! They trade blows. Becky kicks. Tag from Sane. Becky doesn’t see it. Whip to Asuka, reverse, go behind, ASuka shoves and Becky is in the corner. Sane rushes the corner. Another tag from Asuka, as the ref maybe didn’t see it. Asuka grabs Becky atop her shoulders. Sane to the top rope. She flies with a fist and Asuka drops Becky at the same time. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Sane is insane. She heads to the top rope. ELBOW OFF THE TOP! Becky tries for the disarmer out of it! Asuka in. She is sent right out. Becky with the submission! Asuka pulls Sane out of the ring. Becky is pissed. She heads to the outside. Right to Asuka. She goes for Sane.

Asuka attacks from behind. Asuka with a chair! That’s enough for the DQ.

Winner: Becky Lynch
Solid outing by the ladies, although they didn’t really need to protect Becky all that much, did they?
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **1/2

Asuka smacks Becky again, then grabs a table from under the ring. Asuka sets Becky up on the table. Sane to the top rope. SHE HITS AN ELBOW OFF THE TOP ROPE!!!!

Damn, Becky just stood up. Lol. Ok.

Backstage, The Oc tell The Viking Raiders tht sooner or later, The OC is comin for the titles, and they will celebrate with the US Champ, AJ Styles. AJ also calls out Orton.

Backstage, Becky is upset. Charlotte comes to check on her. Becky says, fine, if it means her getting her shot at Asuka. Charlotte says thanks, leaves, then out come The Kabuki Warriors with a chair to attack Charlotte. Lol.

After the break, Asuka and Sane challenge the girls for their titles.

Backstage, Charlotte is sitting next to Becky to talk about facing them in a match. Charlotte wants to up the ante. Becky says Tables, Ladders, Chairs.

Just when you thought the WWE couldn’t get any unfunnier, we get The Street Profits cutting a Weekend Update type show. Complete with a fake laugh track.

Match 7: United States Championship Match
They go with a lockup then turn it into a pinning position for 1..2..NO!!! Ahgain for 1..2…NO!! Rollup from Rey who gets 1..2..NO!!! Reversed for 1..2..NO!!!! AJ calls for the test of strength, but sends Rey int othe corner shoulder first instead. Slingshot into the corner. AJ grabs the leg and hits another slingshot chest first. Rey rushes, hops over AJ onto the corner, hops on the sholders, rolls through for 1..2..NO!!! Rey hits the ropes, but AJ shoots him down hard with a push. AJ calls him a punk and lifts Rey by the head. He cinches the chin and we get a chinlock from behind. Rey hits the ropes with AJ attached. This breaks the hold, and AJ shoots to the outside. Dropkick from Rey to the outside. On the apron, Rey hits a springboard moonsault onto AJ! Both on the apron, and AJ sends him into the post!

We come back to AJ dropkicking Rey up out the sky! Shiiiit. AJ slides Rey through the bottom of the ropes onto the outside mat. Rey gets back into the ring at 9. Rey dodges and sends Styles to the corner. Styles with a right, but he misses and Rey hits a swinging kick. Rey dives through the ropes and rolls through sending AJ into the barricade back first. Rey and AJ meet in the middle .back and forth. Rey gets the best, whips, reversed, head scissors and AJ on the ropes . He sends Rey up and over. Rey springboardseated senton! Leg drop. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Rey hits the ropes. Springboard, AJ catches, reversed and Rey hits a DDT! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Whip to the corner. Rey kicks. He rolls forward, and AJ just plants him on the face! Rey with a surprise step-up enziguri. AJ on the ropes. Rey looks for the 619. Gallows runs to block the hit. Rey hits It anyway, and Gallows takes it. Anderson on the apron. Rey knocks him off. He flies in, onto Styles shoulders. Head to the knee! Cover for 1..2….NO!!!!! AJ to the top rope. Rey clips the foot. He hits a right. Rey climbs the corner. Rey locks the head, goes for a move, but AJ falls with him! Looks like a botch, as it should have been a Styles Clash. He grabs Rey, goes for a powerbomb. Locks it.

Styles Clash. Goes for a pin, but ORTON IS HERE!!!! He slithers in the ring. AJ turns. Orton winks. Rollup from Rey. Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Rey Mysterio
Welp…if that doesn’t sum up RAW…
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **3/4

End Show