NEW USWA Championship Wrestling (8.4.1990) Review

-Originally aired August 4, 1990.

-It seems that we’re permanently in the Memphis studio now.

-Your hosts are Dave Brown & Michael St. John.

“Prime Time” BRIAN LEE & DON HARRIS vs. TIM DIXON & BRIAN STARR
-Lee and Harris stomp several mudholes in the jobbers. Commentators do a great job of talking about the heels, complaining that they take shortcuts and cheat, and geez, it’s such a shame because they’re both such talented wrestlers that there’s no need for that. Starr gets tossed to the concrete and Lee slams him down while he’s out there. Powerslam by Harris and a top rope kneedrop by Brian Lee get the win.

-Plot twist, as the Snowman comes out for the next segment, and he gets into a shoving match with Lee & Harris, and security guards step in to separate them.

SNOWMAN (Unified Champion) vs. DAN GARZA
-Weirdly trashy experiment this week: the wrestlers are ALL escorted to the ring by bikini models.

-Boots and and clotheslines by Snowman, and one big clothesline gets the three-count. Snowman pins him with his hands on the top rope for leverage, even though he’s a face now.

-Dave Brown shows us footage from Mid-South Coliseum to explain the confrontation we just saw. Snowman was battling Brian Lee one-on-one when Don Harris showed up and tripped Snowman from the floor to turn the tide. Eventually they give up all semblance of a fair fight and it just turns into a 2-on-1 altercation for the DQ until Jeff Jarrett shows up to help.

-We’re back in the studio, where Snowman admits he’s a little surprised by Jeff Jarrett coming to his aid. Snowman admits to being suspicious of everyone in the USWA when he first arrived, but he’s grateful for Jeff and declares himself a people’s champion. Harris and Lee show up and dare him to defend the USWA Title against either one of them. Of note: There’s an incredibly built, muscular guy standing next to Snowman through most of this confrontation, and I just sat here waiting and waiting for someone to explain who he was…and then security steps in and tells him to sit down. Holy crap, the heels threaten to make trouble and a fan just immediately has Snowman’s back. He’s over, you can’t deny that.

-Dave Brown observes that lately, we’re seeing baseball bats “used for things other than their intended purpose.” They had Pornhub in 1990? No, it turns out we’re going back to Mid-South Coliseum, where Jerry Lawler & Bill Dundee are battling Tony Anthony & Eddie Gilbert in a Texas Death Match, and Lawler and Dundee surprise the heels by showing up with baseball bats and just beating them to death with them to take the first fall in under a minute. And then a catfight breaks out between the valets.

-We watch more highlights from the bout, and eventually, it goes to a double-KO for Dundee and Tony Anthony, and the referee declares that the first man to stand up will be declared the winner of the match, and Dundee makes it. As a result of the victory, Tessa gets to have her way with the handcuffed Dirty White Girl, so they definitely had Pornhub in 1990. Altercation breaks out, with the heels finding those baseball bats from the start of the match and going to town with them. Thankfully, freelance superhero Jeff Jarrett is here to make the save, and the bait is successfully switched as Dirty White Girl makes her getaway without getting her clothes ripped off.

-Jerry Lawler is in the studio with a pair of baseball bats. So we have a return match signed for next week and the we get pre-taped words from Tessa and Bill Dundee pledging that THIS time, Dirty White Girl is totally for-sure getting her clothes ripped off. So we’re getting a return match and the new wrinkle, per Lawler, is that they’re going to handcuff Tessa and the Dirty White Girl to Tom Burton, who by the way will be shackled just to make super-duper sure.

-Jerry Lawler points out that the Dirty White Boys and Eddie Gilbert are standing in the curtain and refusing to come out until he’s done. Lawler says some parting words and takes off.

-At which point, Eddie Gilbert and the Dirty White Boys head out here and they demand to speak to a photographer standing nearby who was taking a bunch of pictures of Jerry Lawler during that promo. They tell the photographer that they hate Lawler so much that going forward, they want the photographer to use separate film for photographing Lawler and for photographing the heels. To show they’re serious, they confiscate the photographer’s camera to stop him from developing the film. And to show they’re REALLY serious, they throw hot coffee in his face.

-Dirty White Boys show off a boudoir photo of Dirty White Girl in her underwear and if I didn’t know better, I’d swear Vince Russo had taken over the company this week. Whoever is booking this week just needs to fire off one good missile, get it out of his system, and book like a normal person.

NON-TITLE: KOWABUNGA vs. NIGHTMARE KEN WAYNE (Jr. Heavyweight Champion)
-Wayne tries to match karate skills with Kowabunga and gives him a shot to the ribs. Kowabunga actually commends him for the suckering and throws kicks. Wayne manages to sweep the leg and they battle for an inside cradle back and forth until Kowabunga finally holds him down for a three-count. What the hell was THAT? It went two minutes, it was all Wayne, and Kowabunga’s victory was a dumb accident.

-After the match, Ken Wayne goes over and shakes the hand of Kowabunga, saying he didn’t know what to make of some weird new wrestler in a turtle suit, but Wayne wants to shake his hand to thank him, presumably for bringing more and more children to USWA shows.

-Kowabunga sticks around afterward to give us a karate demonstration, breaking boards with his hands until Jeff Gaylord, Scott Braddock, and Downtown Bruno stroll in, and they break the remaining boards over Cowabunga’s head until Ken Wayne comes to the rescue.

-And it actually cuts off in the middle of a house show plug five minutes early! What the hell are Amazon’s standards for streaming content?

5.0

The final score: review Not So Good

The 411

Just a total bullshit show with matches that didn't deliver and a weird creepy sexually frustrated vibe for 45 minutes.