New Year’s Revolution Breakdown

WWE New Year’s Revolution — 1/9/05

Live from San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

WWE Tag Team Championship: William Regal & Eugene vs. Christian & Tyson Tomko.

Tomko is starting to look more and more like Ming the Merciless. Eugene has some new Hulk Hogan-inspired threads. Regal stars with Christian and shoulderblocks him down for two. Christian forces Regal into the corner and drives the shoulder. Eugene tags in and gives Christian a wedgie. Eugene gets all Junk Yard Dog on his ass with headbutts and pretends to pee on him. Tomko and Christian try to doubleteam him, but Eugene ducks out of the ring to say hello to the fans. He ducks under the ring to hide and then reverse rolls Christian for two. Tomko runs in and hits him with a side slam to give the challengers the advantage. Eugene hulks up and makes the tag. Regal cleans house until Tomko takes him down with a clothesline. Christian busts Regal’s nose open. Tomkoand Christian take turns punching Regal in the nose. Regal powers to his corner, but Christian yanks Eugene off the apron to cut off the tag. Regal and Tomko knock heads for a double KO. Regal crawls to the wrong corner to build drama. Tomko misses a charge, enabling Regal to make the tag. He cleans house but a injures himself on a dropkick. Tomko and Christian improvise, working together to clothesline Regal out. Eugene sneaks in and does an Austin-ish schoolboy on Tomko for the win at 12:21. Not very good, even before the injury. Eugene is carried to the back. **

Christy Hemme arrives at poolside (to the Girls Gone Wild music).

Christian and Tomko march through the back, pouting about the loss. They stumble upon Edge, who tells them he has a plan. Hmm. I’m interested.

Recap of the Lita-Trish saga.

Women’s Championship: Lita vs. Trish Stratus.

Jockeying to start. Lita trips her down. Trish tries a reverse roll, but Lita spins her around and tosses her out of the ring. Lita heads to the apron and Thesz presses her. Lita screws up her knee! Trish throws her in and goes to work on the knee. They try to work a match, but Lita just can’t make it through. Trish buys some time with an Anglelock. Finally, the ref just tells them to go home. Lita goes for a Twist of Fate, but Trish kicks her in the injured knee to counter and finishes with the Chick Kick at 3:46. Unfortunate turn of events. Replays show that Lita nearly did a Sid Vicious on the outside. She’s actually quite lucky there. 1/2*

Chris Jericho warms up in the back. But we don’t have time for him because…

Maria is sitting at poolside. Seriously, they cut away just to show her sipping from a coconut.

Edge begs to be taken out of the Elimination chamber. He doesn’t think he should put his body on the line when Shawn Michaels won’t let him win the title. Eric Bischoff refuses. I guess Bisch thinks Edge’s name sells tickets. Edge walks out and runs into Shawn, who promises to call a fair match.

Intercontinental Championship: Shelton Benjamin vs. Maven.

Maven shows what a great heel he is, wearing powder blue. Maven stalls to start. Great. All the heels he could emulate and it’s Larry Zbysko. Crowd gets on him for that with a chant I can’t make out. Sounds like “Maven Tomko,” which would be a REAL insult! Maven gets on the house mic and tells them he has no idea what they’re saying. Gee, how long were the earlier matches supposed to run. Maven’s burning beaucoup de temps …oh, uh mucho tiempo. How did he not get counted out here? Finally, he says he’s not going to wrestle in front of these people and leaves. He changes his mind at the last second and runs back in. Maven misses a wild swing, and Benjamin schoolboys him for the win at 6:08. Eight of those seconds are actually wrestling. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “What…the…fuck?” O

Maven grabs the mic again says that didn’t count. He wants a rematch and call’s Shelton “the other women’s champion.”

Intercontinental Championship: Shelton Benjamin vs. Maven.

Shelton runs back in and T-Bones Maven for the win at :07. I guess Maven is your new Buddy Landell who can talk a great game but not back it up. O

Christy gets her naked back oiled up.

Recap of the Arab-American Debate from Raw.

Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari say that the footage was biased to make them look bad. He says they didn’t show the part where King called him a “jackass.” They didn’t show where Jim Ross told him to leave his own country. Man makes some good points. He says Puerto Ricans treat them no differently than Americans do.

Muhammed Hassan (w/Khosrow Daivari) vs. Jerry Lawler (w/Jim Ross).

No commentary for this, which is a BIG mistake without JR’s hyperbole. Hassan has mastered the art of trash talk, telling Lawler the people in the audience are “going to watch you die.” They trade bodyslams. Hassan then gets five bodyslams in a row. MOVESET~! If this were 1959, Lawler would be dead. Hassan charges into a boot. Lawler clotheslines him down. Hassan rolls to the outside for counsel from Daivari. Back in, Hassan hits a reverse elbow and undoes the turnbuckle pad. Lawler schoolboys him, but the ref is busy tying the pad back on. Lawler complains to the ref, so Hassan knees him in the back, ramming him into the exposed turnbuckle. Hassan wears him down with a Camel Clutch. No, I’m shocked. I think Hassan got it backwards, Lawler is going to watch the crowd die. Hassan drops it and covers for two. Crowd has mastered the “boring” chant. A suplex gets two. Hassan locks in something vaguely resembling a Cobra Clutch. A reverse neckbreaker gets two. Daivari is getting really irritating on the outside. King makes the big comeback with a series of rights. He even busts out a dropkick! The second rope fist drop gets two. Lawler hits a nice DDT, but Daivari puts Hassan’s foot on the ropes. Lawler chases Daivari around the ring. Funny moment: Lawler is supposed to grab Daivari’s jacket, and Daivari is supposed to take it off so he can get away. Lawler doesn’t get a hold of it, so Daivari stops and takes it off anyway. Lawler chases Daivari through the ring and runs right into a Flatliner for the pin at 10:51. God awful. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hassan took some “time off” after this performance. O

This is very quickly heading towards worst WWE PPV ever.

Randy Orton interrupts a Batista interview to remind us that his name is “Dave” and to ask if he’s going to be Triple H’s stooge for the rest of his life. Batista says he will win the title if given an opportunity.

Coach replaces Lawler on commentary. He makes fun of Oklahoma University’s loss, prompting JR to threaten violence and get a choice insult on his girlfriend.

Recap of the Gene Snitsky-Kane feud.

Gene Snitsky vs. Kane.

This will raise the star count! Snitsky whips Kane to the corner. Kane fires out with a clothesline. Kane drops some elbows and a gets a legdrop across the throat. Kane blocks a big boot and stuns Gene with an uppercut. Snitsky stumbles into a powerslam for two. Kane reverses a whip and clotheslines Kane in the corner. To the outside, Gene rips back the floor mats, exposing the concrete. Snitsky goes for a piledriver, but Kane backdrops him over. Crowd generously shouts “Holy Shit!” Back in, Snitsky counters a flying clothesline with a big boot. He tries to break Kane in half against the ringpost. Snitsky with a bear hug. Kane battles out of it and calls for the chokeslam. Snitsky counters to a bodyslam. Kane brings back the zombie sit-up. Snitsky boots him in the head. To the outside again. Snitsky tosses Kane into the ring steps. Kane blocks a chairshot with a big boot. Back in, Kane blocks a charge and fires away with punches. A sidewalk slam sets up a big boot. Kane goes up again and hits the flying lariat this time. Snitsky gets a really bad Hot Shot to cut off Kane’s momentum. They do the dueling chokeslam thing. Snitsky goes low and bites Kane’s ear, Tyson-Style. Snitsky charges into another big boot and stumbles into a Tombstone at 11:37. This was like Flair-Steamboat compared to the rest of the card. **

Finally, Lawler rejoins the crew, making it a threesome.

Back to poolside. Stacy Keibler, Maria and Christy put on oil. You know, we just saw two of those shots earlier in the PPV. Simon Dean tosses some guy into pool. Stacy and Val Venis team up and call for a chicken fight. Rosey, still in costume, teams up with Christy to defeat Stacy/Val, Maria/Rob Conway, The dark-haired one/Hurricane. This was somewhere on the level of Diva Dodgeball.

Recap of the events that led to the Elimination Chamber.

Triple H approaches Batista and asks him what’s what after Batista’s words to Orton. Batista says you don’t let your opponent know what you’re thinking. Ah, but Triple H is also his opponent, so there’s a double-meaning. Batista tells Hunter if he gets eliminated first, all bets are off.

Eric “stall for time” Bischoff comes out as the EC will have to be nearly an hour just to make the PPV run 20 minutes short.

Elimination Chamber for the vacant World Title: Edge vs. Triple H (w/Ric Flair) vs. Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit.

This will have to be a MOTYC just to save the PPV. Shawn Michaels is your Special Referee. Benoit and Jericho start out, which is a good idea, especially since the booking ensured these are the two who didn’t have a chance anyway. Jericho takes him down, but Benoit reverses to a hammerlock. Jericho lays in some forearms. Benoit CHOPS him in retaliation. Benoit gets a boot up to block a charge. Jericho reverses a Sharpshooter to the Walls of Jericho attempt. Benoit kicks him away and delivers a German Suplex. Jericho rolls through a Crossface attempt into another attempt at the Walls. Jericho hits the sleeper drop and a backdrop suplex. Crowd chants for Benoit, then HBK. Benoit catches Jericho going up and superplexes him.

Both men are out as Triple H enters. Crowd counts down in Spanish, which is pretty cool. Benoit takes a hard bump off a corner whip. Triple H delivers the high knee to Jericho. Benoit takes a “Bret bump” to the corner for two. Jericho jumps Triple H but gets tossed aside. Triple H throws Benoit into the cage, splitting him open. Benoit takes another ride into the mesh for two. Jericho breaks up a Pedigree attempt. Triple H goes for a Pedigree, but Jericho backdrops him over to the steel. Jericho suplexes him back in for two. Jericho forgets about Triple H and goes after Benoit. Benoit hits him with a neckbreaker for two.

Edge is next. He spears Jericho in the corner, then Triple H. Edge hits the Edgecution on Triple H, but it only gets two. Well, there goes that finisher. Belly-to-belly on Benoit. Jericho kicks Edge from behind and gets two on Triple H. Jericho springboards into a dropkick on Edge. Edge catapults Jericho into the mesh as payback. Triple H tries to Pedigree Edge on the steel, but Edge counters to another catapult. Jerihco is busted open now. Edge delivers a flying clothesline to Benoit. It gets two. Edge shimmies away from the Crossface but falls victim to Jericho’s enzuigiri. Triple H comes back in with a spinebuster on Jericho. It gets two. Benoit with a Northern Lights on Edge for two. Jericho misses a swipe at Triple H and gets Pedigreed. No one pins him though.

We know Randy Orton is next, but they still do the light show. He comes in with a crossbody on Triple H. He tosses Hunter to the steel and throws him into the mesh. Batista looks frustrated. Orton powerslams Hunter. Jericho staggers in, so Orton RKO’s him. He gets greedy and goes after Benoit. Benoit counters to a Crossface. Triple H starts slapping Orton and yelling for him to tap. Benoit drops the Crossface and grabs Triple H in the Sharpshooter. Randy recovers and RKO’s Benoit, breaking up the hold. Edge goes for the spear, but Orton ducks out of the way. Edge spears Shawn by mistake. Edge spears Orton, but the ref is out. Edge picks Shawn up and slaps him around. Shawn responds with a superkick. Jericho jumps in with the Lionsault, and Edge is eliminated at 19:20 Benoit goes up to the top of the chamber and delivers a flying headbutt to Triple H. Jericho scoops Triple H into the Walls of Jericho. Benoit ups the ante with the Crippler Crossface.

Batista comes in just in time to save Triple H. He takes everyone on and comes face-to-face with Triple H. The other guys break it up. He press slams Jericho into a cameraman, necessitating that the staff open the cage door. Batista choke lifts Orton, but Benoit clips his leg. Jericho schoolboys Orton as they open the door to get the cameraman out. Jericho bulldogs Triple H onto the steel. Benoit slips off Batista’s shoulder and pushes him into the mesh. Triple H collapses in the middle of the ring. Benoit chops away at Batista but runs into a spinebuster. Jericho charges too, but Batista spinebusters him ON TOP OF BENOIT! Batista tosses Jericho aside and pins Benoit at 26:16.

Batista catches Jericho on a crossbody attempt and front powerslams him. The Demonbomb finishes Jericho at 27:38.

Orton backdrops Triple H on the steel, but it’s now two-on-one. Triple H slingshots Orton into the mesh and clotheslines him back into the ring. Batista holds Orton while Triple H slaps him around. Batista powerslams him. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! A Triple H spinebuster gets two more. A stiff lariat gets two more. Triple H is getting frustrated. Lawler ponders why they both just don’t lay on Orton to pin him. Orton fights back, but they swarm him. Orton counters a Demonbomb with a lowblow and eliminates Batista with the RKO at 32:32. Big heel heat for that. It looks like Triple H had a chance to make the save but didn’t.

Orton hits Triple H with the RKO, but Michael is busy trying to get Batista out of the chamber. Flair distracts Michaels while Batista levels Orton with a clothesline. Triple H picks Orton up and finishes him with the Pedigree at 34:55. Batista hoists Triple H up on his shoulders as Evolution celebrates reclaiming the title. I know what you’re thinking, but it doesn’t happen. Good match to end the show on, but not a show-saver. ***3/4

Final Thoughts: I don’t think any sane person would defend this show. Injuries I can handle. I don’t blame them for the first two matches. But Maven vs. Benjamin, which could have been decent ended up as a double squash that could have just as easily been done on Raw. Hassan/Lawler was just plain bad to the point where both guys looked incompetent. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I thought they could have at least three good matches in there somewhere and another two interesting matches. Total one match show.

Thumbs down here.

J.D. Dunn