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Ring Crew Reviews: WCW Uncensored 1996

June 19, 2013 | Posted by Jack Bramma
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Ring Crew Reviews: WCW Uncensored 1996  

Scheduled Card:
1. WCW United States Heavyweight Championship: Eddie Guerrero vs. Konnan (c).
2. Lord Steven Regal vs. Belfast Bruiser.
3. Man vs. Woman: Col. Robert Parker vs. Madusa.
4. I Quit Match: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Booty Man.
5. Loch Ness vs. The Giant.
6. Chicago Street Fight for the WCW World Tag Team Championship: Road Warriors vs. Booker T and Sting (c).
7. Doomsday Cage: MegaPowers vs. The Alliance to End Hulkamania.

• DOOMSDAY WILL BE LAST YOUR DAY, HOGAN! We start off with a comically overdone vignette forecasting tonight as the end of Hulkamania. Snippets from Flair, Sullivan, and Luger on behalf of The Alliance to End Hulkamania ™ are replete with animal roaring sound effects, Jimmy Hart maniacally laughing, onerously melodramatic music, and black-and-white tinting for that nightmare touch, only if your nightmares involved mid 90’s WCW. All of the best and worst of professional wrestling are in this two minute clip.

• Our hosts are Tony, Brain, and Dust as usual. Tonight is a special night in WCW lore – it’s the one night a year where the explanation for every illogical action is no explanation. Since time began, man has struggled to understand life and find meaning in his very existence. Jaws IV: The Revenge once attempted to answer this question.

• No less distinguished is WCW’s answer to the age-old query: Why?. All night, Tony (sincerely) and Brain (sardonically) both will emphatically and repeatedly yell the line, “IT’S UNCENSORED!” as a retort to any lingering questions as if this PPV is a place where logic, reason, space, and time cease to exist.

• We start off early as Tony wants to know why Brain is wearing leather instead of his usual attire and Brain picks up the narrative thread and spins a yarn: “YOU NEVER KNOW! I’M PREPARED FOR ANYTHING! I don’t want my $225,000 Armani suit to be ripped off. I’m wearing leather, so I can wash stuff off, know what I mean?”

• Instead, Dust hypes the main event thematically: “This Doomsday match, when you take a cold, hard look at this situation, it goes back to that word I been using all night, and that is DANGER! THERE. IS. A. DANGER SURROUNDING THIS PLACE! HULKAMANIA NEEDS TO SURVIVE THIS THING TO CARRY ON INTO THE 90’S!” Brain: “Danger is one cage. What is danger going to be with three cages? Four tiers? 20 some men? WHO KNOWS WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?!”

WCW United States Heavyweight Championship: Eddie Guerrero vs. Konnan (c). To explain the feud, I’ll let Tony take over: “Eddie Guerrero… the fans certainly love him and they love him because he’s a young man who really typifies the youth of America – hard work, the determination of young people around this country, and the young man has certainly put a lot of effort into his wrestling skill.” So, he’s young and works hard. Got it. That’s a bit hokey but Brain and Dust pick up the pieces and really give this the hard sell as Eddie’s night and Dusty even adds that his entire life has led to this moment. Good stuff. By the way, Konnan is still lucha heavy in attire and work.

• Tony immediately notes this is the only title match tonight. Lockup goes nowhere but gets a clean break. Konnan gets the advantage on the ground and armdrags Eddie over and goes to the wristlock. Eddie rolls through and goes to the knucklelock to step-up armdrag Konnan off the top. Eddie torques the ankle while Brain offers some strategy: “They’re very good friends, right? Now, I would take advantage of that point. I would back into the corner. I would tell Konnan, ‘Hey, what are we fighting for? Let’s relax, take it easy. I mean, you know what we’re going to do here. You’re the champion, I wanna be the champion.’” Tony: “Oh my goodness.” Brain: “And then, when he’s not looking, you nail him right in the chops.” Tony: “I knew that was coming!” Brain: “Right in the chops. You get him to falsely think you’re his friend, you take advantage of him, and WIN THE TITLE! THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT!”

• ANYWAY, Eddie handstands his way into a few balanced dropkicks on Konnan while holding the legs down. Now, he switches to a Figure Four to an audible reaction. Konnan sells before grabbing the ropes. They trade reversals into pinning combinations before a rope break results in a stalemate. After more touch ‘n’ go, Eddie goes to a chinlock then an anchor hold. Konnan gets to his feet and sweeps Eddie into a leg grapevine and switches to a heel hook. That was slick. Konnan now rides Eddie into a reverse surfboard before abandoning that for a regular Boston crab, though it’s pretty ugly. Crowd is mostly silent through this mat wrestling display. Rope break gets us back to even. Konnan lands on his feet out of a hiptoss and then armdrags Eddie down in a cool spot. Now, we’re back to the phantom lateral presses and IT’S THE ECW STANDOFF! And the crowd is digging it now. Konnan promptly smacks Eddie who smacks him back and they go head to head.

• Shoving contest ensues and surprisingly DOESN’T devolve into pugilism. They posture to the crowd and an EDDIEEDDIEEDDIE chant gets going. Konnan wants one for himself and the crowd OBLIGES! KONNANKONNANKONNAN! Back to offense as Eddie hits a dropkick and then ranas Konnan off the top. To the Camel Clutch. Konnan fights it and makes the ropes. Eddie takes a breather and before they lock up, the crowd halts them with more dueling chants though clearly louder for Eddie. Konnan grabs a headlock and Eddie tries a back suplex but Konnan hangs on and armdrags him under. Another armdrag and after avoiding a leapfrog, Konnan stays ahead with ANOTHER ARMDRAG! That may read like the usual armdrag party that breaks out when two lucha guys are hanging out in the ring, but because they didn’t start there, there’s a story behind it because Konnan is staying a step ahead. ARMDRAGS WITH MEANING! Eddie bails out again for another breather. KONNANKONNANKONNAN! Er…. EDDIEEDDIEEDDIE! Back in, Eddie goes to the headlock as we’re just getting started apparently. 10 minutes in and we’re still on headlocks and armdrags but it’s working. Konnan counters to a stepover anchor hold.

• Dusty: “Yeah, ya know, Tony, I already spotted somethin’. You know, when ya sitting here and ya taking a look at two great athletes and ya looking at which one will maybe… uhhh… uhhh… come out and show his colors, if you will – there were situations that already happened if you noticed them. But we all looked at, where the crowd SPONTANEOUSLY was talking about Eddie, uhh, SPONTANEOUSLY were talking about Eddie and Konnan was—uhh—a sarcastic way about him. And all I’m saying is, as we watch this thing, read into it a little bit, see where Konnan’s at, and see if that, uh, uh, sarcasm is really part of his inner working, because I know what kind of guy Eddie Guerrero is. He’s a good man. HOMIEEEE! … [Stunned silence]… HELLO? Did I shock y’all with that?” Brain: “NO NO! …” Tony: “I was thinking… trying to digest what you just said there.” Brain: “He said Eddie Guerrero’s a good man, Konnan’s too cocky, and Dusty wants a bowl of Mrs. Guerrero’s chili, it’s that simple.” Tony: “OHHH! WOULD YOU STOP IT!” Dusty: “Exactly, bring it up here now!”

• ANYWAY, Eddie recovers to armdrag Konnan out who again plays to the crowd for a modest chant. Back in, Konnan monkey flips Eddie but he lands on his feet and the crowd EATS IT UP! ARMDRAG! SPINNING HEADSCISSORS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Konnan takes the low road again but Eddie takes him off with a DIVE OFF THE TOP! Back in, slingshot senton gets 1, 2, foot on the ropes. Eddie goes to a bit of a triangle choke to slow things down. Tony: “We are absolutely seeing before our eyes, gentlemen, revolutionary moves – moves we’ve never seen before. These two men are coming up with them and trying to take each other down. This is really a classic.” High praise indeed from a man who was a good 2-2 ½ years away from tuning out. Konnan again tries to get a rally going for himself and this time the crowd is subtly turning on him as he gets a small clap, but also some boos going. Konnan flips over to escape out and German suplexes Eddie down.

• He wants another but Eddie wheelbarrow rolls through for 1, 2, only 2. Konnan now with a roll up for 1, 2, 2 ½. LARIATO! Eddie comes right back with another rana for another nearfall. Konnan sets Eddie up for SPLASH MOUNTAIN! 1, 2, 2.9. Eddie tries to cut off Konnan but Konnan dumps him out to the floor and follows with a TOPE SUICIDA! Back in, Eddie slides behind a suplex but gets elbowed down for another 2 count. Konnan heads back up but Eddie cuts him off for the TOP ROPE SUPLEX! Eddie drapes the arm for 1, 2, 2.999. Eddie works the cover again for another nearfall. Eddie calls for the Frog Splash. Konnan goes to toss him off the top but Eddie hooks the leg and rolls through with an AMAZING SMALL PACKAGE REVERSAL OFF THE TOP! 1, 2, 2.9999999! Eddie sends Konnan off for another leap frog but Konnan collides on the low bridge for a crotch spot. Tony is all over it calling it a low blow which is a bit of a stretch. Crowd groans a bit as Konnan hooks the leg for 1, 2, 3 to retain at 17:28.

• Holy shit, what a great match and a terrible, terrible ending. I think on paper it works – have Eddie appear to be a step ahead and the better man tonight, have Konnan subtly lean heel throughout the match, have a questionable ending where Konnan accidentally (on purpose?) gets a dubious win, leading into a rematch and the full heel turn for Konnan down the road. The problem is two-fold though: 1. The execution for the finish was ineffective as the “low blow” was less severe than several moves in the match, so it comes off flat. 2. Pulling that finish after a 20 minute, back-and-forth competitive match make work in terms of a larger story for the feud, but is dissatisfying after sitting through the great match. Still, awesome stuff with Konnan holding up his end with a true master. ****

• Post-match, Konnan wants to hug it out but Eddie shoves him away like a sore loser who blew a leap frog. Not the most logical thing in the world.

• Meanwhile, we’re in the back with Mean Gene who has Col. Robert Parker and Dick Slater. Colonel wants to thank Dick for all the training. He’s fighting a woman tonight, Madusa, and he’s doing it for Dick, his uncle, Mean Gene, Elvis, all the residents of Tupelo MS and everyone who loves fighting women like a pig loves slop. Dicky follows up with some generic slop:“It’s gonna be great, IT’S GONNA BE GREAT, IT’S GONNA BE WRESTLING HISTORY! AHAHAHAHA!”

Lord Steven Regal vs. Belfast Bruiser. Bruiser is Fit Finlay in some Road Warrior-lite gear, a mustache, and a mullet but is UNDEFEATED in WCW. Dusty mispronouces Regal’s second who is Jeeves as “chives.” To add injury to insult, Finlay slaps the taste of Jeeves’ mouth on the way to the ring for no reason.

• Regal moves in for some early fisticuffs, so BB gets the early advantage by waffling him with spikes on his half-leather jacket, half-football pad attire. BB shoves him into the corner for some STIFF stuff so Regal comes back with a hiptoss for 1, 2, 2 ½. TOTHEEUROUPPERCUTS! BB takes back over with a knee to the face and a BRUISING SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE! Cover gets 1, 2, only 2. BB with a kick to the back and poses to a decent reaction. Regal comes back with another Euro uppercut and now grinds a reverse front (back?) facelock. These two are just absolutely beating the shit out of each other with no remorse. Regal now switches to a half Cobra Clutch and he’s raking the forearm across Finlay’s face. Finlay is all FUCK THAT and knees Regal in the head and headbutts him in the breadbasket. Finlay shitcans Regal out like a pile of garbage and just drops him on the guardrail CHIN FIRST! Finlay drives Regal shoulder-first into the ringpost and Dusty explains the brutality on display: “And…uh… continuing to use his BODY PARTS AS PLUNDER! We’ve seen plunder before, but he’s using his body parts as plunder.” Tony: “Plunder? They’ll be a test on it tomorrow by the way.” Brain: “I speak seven, eight different languages, but I don’t speak Texan.”

• ANYWAY, Finlay continues on Regal’s arm and works variations of a kimura before Regal knees his way free. Konnan, meanwhile, has joined Pedro Morales and the boys of the Spanish announce team. BB tries an up and over but Regal anticipates it and dropkicks Finlay down in a nice spot. Awesomely, Regal works the heel cover with the grinding forearm every single time. Tony: “These two men are out to hurt each other.” Finlay takes over with a BRUTAL FOREARM! And now works the shoulder again. Dust: “I mean, uh, they went about this thing in such a FURY! FISTS OF FURY! And now, they’ve come down to just trying to break each other’s arms and controlling this thing and bringing it down on the mat, obviously proving a point: Both these guys know what they’re doing on the mat. That’s why they’re where the big boys play. And, Miguel, if anybody can get that out of Konnan, Miguel can because he speaks esspanyole, you know what I mean? And he can actually look in his eye when he’s speaking esspanyole and tell if he’s—uh–if he’s uhhh– ‘fidging’ a bit, ya know?” Tony: “I understand.”

• Regal is now back on top working variations of a half nelson and choking Finlay. The ref tries to stop it but Regal pleads ignorance and begs forgiveness, all the while choking Finlay with his legs. Niiiiiiiiice. Regal with a few headbutts, so BB pokes him in the eye to a small pop. Still though, crowd is mostly quiet. BB with a slam and a senton for a close 2 count. Brain: “HE GOT ‘IM! .. No!” Tony: “Did not… You’re 0-for-3 tonight in saying, ‘He got him.’” Brain: “I didn’t realize you were keeping score. I’m sorry. Look at this here, the Belfast Bruiser, he don’t have ‘im. 3-to-1.” BB and Regal fight over a chinlock LIKE MEN while the crowd takes a nap. BB switches to a Sleeper but Regal fights off with forearms only to run into a LARIATO from Finlay. BB pulverizes Regal with forearms to the chest while Tony hypes up a Macho-Bruiser match the next night on Nitro. Sign me up for that. Brain though speculates it may not go down because Macho may not survive the main event. BB has had it and wants to end this the old fashioned way and goes for a chair but Regal cuts him off. Brain encourages him to go for a whole row of chairs and Tony sees no problem: “This is Uncensored, am I right?” See, the PPV was originally conceived as every match was no rules, no DQ, no countout, etc. Except that whole concept went out the window halfway through the first show when a no DQ match ended in a DQ victory for Macho over Avalanche. And here, Tony’s rhetorical question is more speculation than affirmation.

• ANYWAY, they jockey for a suplex on the apron before Regal just brings him over the top and DOWN TO THE FLOOR! ELBOW OFF THE APRON! This is just two brawlers destroying each other with no wasted movement. A perfect example: after the dive off the apron, Regal catches his breathe and then gives BB another sucker punch without missing a beat. Tony: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Regal like this. Regal has been very prim and very proper, but never has he wrestled or fought a match like this.” Dust: “Always full of POP AND CIRCUSTANCE! ALWAYS FULL OF POPPP AND CIRCUSSSTANCE [sic]” Tony: “Thank you.” Back in, Regal peels Finlay’s skin off with forearms and an elbow drop. Meanwhile, Dusty tries to learn Brain and Tony some European geography. Brain: “This goes back to their homeland. They don’t get along with each other over there. I think they’ve wrestled before. There’s a lot of animosity there–” Dust: “THEY DON’T LIVE IN THE SAME LAND!” Brain: “No, but they wrestled over in Europe. I imagine they wrestled each other.” Tony: “I don’t really wanna take up for Bobby, Dream, but…. ya know….” Dust: “IRELAND! WHERE IS IRELAND?! Like 5 miles from London? I DOUBT THAT!” Brain: “No, it’s seven miles by bus.”

• BB just kicks Regal’s ass around the ring and the crowd POPS! FOR FINLAY! Regal takes over with a PUNT TO THE STONES! Regal plays dumb for the ref and crowd as Tony incorrectly calls the nether regions the gluteus maximus and confuses poor Dust who after being wrong about a sense of direction is gunshy. But that doesn’t stop him from piggybacking Tony to call it a “lootamum maximum.” Regal comes back on BB with some stiff kicks of his own and again BB goes to the eyes. Regal tries a sunset flip but Finlay cuts him off with a knee curb stomp. BB tries an elbow but comes up dry and Regal goes back to a wristlock. Regal follows up with more forearms and all of them shoot hit Finlay in the nose. BB gets a second wind for a backdrop and wants a Boston Crab. They go through a pinning reversal and Regal gets a two count. Regal winds up for the LARIATO and blasts Finlay right in the face. These two are crazy. Just CRAZY stiff. Regal tries to gloat so Finlay sucker punches him in the nose… again. Finlay drags him out to the floor to throw him into the apron and just nail him with lefts and rights. These aren’t wrestler punches, pulled punches, or worked punches. These are potatoes and receipts for fifteen minutes STRAIGHT.

• Regal is DONE and can barely get to his feet. He stumbles around on the floor so Finlay gives him a double sledge and drags him back in. Regal recovers briefly for a fleeting catapult that pole vaults Finlay to the floor. Crowd is just dead as Tony and Brain are in damage control. Dust: “Boy, I tell you what, they have wore each other down. They have beat and pounded and WORE EACH OTHER DOWN!” Tony: “They’re worn this crowd down as well. They don’t know what to think of them. Crowd is stunned. They have seen one of the most vicious fights we have ever seen in our lives.” Brain: “Plus, they’re still here filing in now. They’re still looking at that triple cage. It’s gotta be six, seven stories in the air. I mean, the place is in awe. Mississippi is in awe.” ANYWAY, they continue brawling on the floor and now Regal rams Finlay all the way up the aisle and into the cage at the entrance. BUT WAIT! THE BLUEBLOODS HAVE COME OUT! They jump Finlay and the clubberin’ is on and so is the DQ at 17:34.

• Wow. I’ve seen a lot of shitty finishes, but that might be the two best matches with the two worst finishes back-to-back in wrestling history. It didn’t even make any sense as Regal had the advantage immediately before, during, and after the run-in, so their assistance wasn’t needed but I guess they were protecting Finlay’s undefeated streak. I’m probably going out on a limb here, but that might be the stiffest match on US soil I’ve ever seen, though I welcome other nominations. Just two tough bastards, professionals not afraid to bruise up a bit for our enjoyment. No story, just violence. ****

• Post-match, Regal bitch smacks Finlay and exits with the Bluebloods. Finlay comes racing after them and pummels one of them and chases the rest to the back.

• Mean Gene is in the back with Jimmy Hart and Giant who will fight Loch Ness tonight. Jimmy Hart completely ignores Giant to say that tonight will prove that Jimmy Hart is the greatest manager ever and that no one, including that “750 lb. Loch Ness” can ever put their hands on him. Then, Gene gets a scoop and says that the winner of this match faces Flair tomorrow night for the strap. Giant then composes a limerick for our pleasure: “I CAN START WITH RHYMES, I CAN START WITH RIDDLES! LOCH NESS, IN THAT RING, I’M GOING TO SMOKE YOU LIKE GRIDDLE!” Unfortunately, Giant drops the Dr. Seuss routine to then talk trash to Flair.

Man vs. Woman: Col. Robert Parker vs. Madusa. Brain: “How do you prepare for a match like this? You put down credit cards? You put down flowers? You put down candy? You put down things that’ll make her happy? Maybe go shopping tomorrow at Neiman Marcus ON ME?! Do whatever you can to win, Colonel, she’ll kick your tail in a moment’s notice. [To Tony] You know that, she’s had your charge card many days.” Tony: “Ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS UNCENSORED!” Tony sidesteps that to remind us that Madusa dumped the WWF’s Women’s title right in the trash. Big face pop for Madusa coming out.

• Parker offers a shake and Madusa offers her ass to the Colonel instead and Tony attributes that maneuver’s deception to Madusa’s martial arts background: “She’s a black belt, you know that?” Already, part of the enjoyment of this match is that the entire crew is curious as to how they will work this as well. Parker locks up and drives Madusa back into the corner and then gives a clean break to hit the front double bi. Dusty: “WHAT THE HELL?! HE LOCKED UP WITH HER! SOMEBODY BRING MY MEDICINE! UNBELIEVABLE! MY GOODNESS! HA! I’ve lost it, I’ve never seen nuttin’ like this. This is Unsensitive.Uncensored.” ANYWAY, they go through the lock up a few more times with Madusa gaining the advantage and armdragging Parker under to a big pop. Colonel bumps the HELL out of it and milks it for all it’s worth. On another go-round, he gets up Madusa for the Airplane Spin but she slides down his back for a sunset flip for 1, 2, only 2. Another pop. Parker now sells his own Airplane Spin even though Madusa no sells disorientation. Parker gets slammed down and Madusa acts like she’s world champ now. Parker bails out into Dick Slater’s arms for a strategy session. Parker goozles Madusa and tosses her across the ring. She comes back with a dropkick and another. Tony: “THIS IS THE FRIED PIE!” Parker bails out and Madusa tries a plancha. Parker catches her more in an effort to protect her rather than protect the business. Madusa comes back with some kicks and a go-behind. She German suplexes Parker for 1, 2, but Slater breaks up the bridge and the ref doesn’t see it. Dusty: “HEY! C’MON!” Parker lands on top for 1, 2, 3 to win it at 3:49. Tony: “That was exactly what Uncensored is, COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED!”

• Pretty damn fun. It won’t win any WON awards, but the crowd was into it and Parker went overboard old school to really sell the concept and Madusa’s offense. If he treats it like a joke, it fails, but when he treats it like a challenge in an over-the-top way, it comes off just the right amount of effort and humor. **1/4

• Meanwhile, Lee Marshal is in the back with the LOD. Animal yells at Booker T and Sting about the Chicago Street Fight later tonight. TELL ‘EM, HAWK! He talks about how they are going to remove their brain stems, and they “will depend on Depends for the rest of their lives!” Hawk, then, showing rare judicial oversight, speculates that there is no “legal” way that Book and Sting can defeat them, especially now in their match, A STREET FIGHT! AT THE NO RULES, ANYTHING GOES PPV, UNCENSORED!

• During all of this, mind you, there’s a giant schematic diagramming the heels’ master plan to take out Hogan and Savage tonight. No, really.

 photo doomsdaycage_zpsc784958c.jpg

I Quit Match: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Booty Man. Just so no one gets confused, the “I Quit” here is if DDP loses, he must quit the business. If Booty Man loses, DDP gets Kimberly and his money back. Tony plays this up as DDP’s chance to win back some self-respect. And Dust and Brain join in to put DDP’s backstory of now being a new man after losing all his money, being broke, and going to pawn shops all over the whole to hock his jewels. Holy shit! DDP has this strange Sideshow Bob/Bruiser Brody thing going on. He looks like shit.

 photo ddpbrody_zpsacbc1eda.jpg

• In case after all that sympathetic character development you thought he was face, DDP pretends to offer a shake to a fan and then outwits him with the SEEYA Dougie, hair smooth. If you missed it, he does it again. As a brief aside, Tony mentions that DDP cost Johnny B. Badd against Luger and then Badd dumped Kimberly and quit WCW (to go to WWF thus producing this odd blowoff for a feud that never existed between Dallas and Booty). Well, OK then. Booty Man is basically a disco, aerobics instructor Brutus Beefcake with assless tights. He was Mr. Ass before Mr. Ass. Brain adds another layer to his character as he buries Booty as a Hogan saboteur sent to destroy the Dungeon of Doom from within.

• DDP bails out early to talk trash with the front row and tell them to suck it and calls them all zeroes. Tony: “Now, this is a match for self-respect. Why would you start out like that?” DDP stalls some more to avoid the devastating offense of The Booty Man which includes punches, kicks, double ax hammers, and falling down for three seconds at a time. He finally slides in as they mount opposing corners to see who gets the bigger pop and Booty Man wins that one in a landslide. Look, I love DDP and feel he’s such an underrated performer, but sometimes his shtick during the mid 90’s is too much. It’s like he took the worst parts of Larry Z’s stalling and Heenan’s buffoonery and added in Rick Rude’s disdain for the crowd what you end up with is an odd anachronistic mishmash. In the 80s WWF, he would have been a demigod, but this is the 90’s WCW and we’re a few months away from the n.W.o taking over. Don’t get me wrong, even with this gimmick, DDP could still be great in the right circumstances, but he could be unbearable if not careful. And right now, he’s not being very careful. 2 minutes in and no lock up so far as Booty Man gets a cat call FROM THE LADIES! THEY BE DESPERATE IN TUPELO TONIGHT, TONY! They trade wristlocks and Booty gets the advantage. DDP responds by talking trash with the front row and inviting them into the ring. DDP then spits at them(!) and yells, “YOU ARE SCUM!” Booty with a shoulderblock and DDP dumps to the floor and shoves the camera man away. MOARJAWINGWITHTHEHUMANOIDS! Meanwhile, Brain gets into a tug of war with the rest of the crew.

• Dust: “Bobby, let me ask ya, how in the world can you look at that tape, when she won the money, when it was her ticket, and say that she ripped him off?”
Brain: “OK, I’ll tell ya exactly. He bought the ticket for her. It cost him two bucks.”
Tony: [Trying to change the subject] “SIDE headlock.”
Brain: “He bought the card. SHE WON, BUT HE BOUGHT THE CARD!”
Dusty: “GOT HIM IN A HEADLOCK RIGHT HERE!”
Brain: “NO ONE LISTENS TO ME!”
Dust: “GOOD SHOT RIGHT THERE!”
Brain: “NO ONE CARES WHAT I GOT TO SAY!”
Dust: “Booty Man got too much power.”
Brain: “I got to talk about, he asked me a question, no one will listen to my answer. I’M NOT TALKING ANYMORE THE WHOLE NIGHT! I’M NOT GOING TO SAY ANOTHER WORD!”
Dust: “…Booty Man got too much power.”
Tony: “–”
Brain: “Not another word.”
Tony: “Well I–”
Brain: “NOT TONIGHT!”
Dust: “Here you go, now.”
Tony: “… Are you finished?”
Brain: “I’m not saying another word.”
Tony: “Good.”
Brain: “It’s the Tony Schiavone, Dusty Rhodes Extravaganza. I will not say another word.”
Tony: “IT’S THE WCW–”
Dust: “It’s the WW Uncensored Extravaganza.”

• ANYWAY, we’re back to these two still fighting over lockups and clean breaks. DDP whiffs on a cheap shot and Booty lays him out. I have to admit, the crowd is clapping along with Booty Man and appear into it. Booty now grabs an arm as DDP yells that someone in the crowd is a FAT PIG. Booty sniffs out a collision and struts for the Tupelo Women’s Club and Dallas bumbles into the turnbuckle like Wile E. Coyote and flops to the floor. The crew has now shifted back onto how Booty is a spy for Hogan in the Dungeon and have been hammering home this talking point for a few minutes. This is just such a strange colloid of substances that won’t congeal. The production crew is bored with this and decides to switch to a swooping crane shot of the Doomsday cage. We come back to DDP threatening to waffle the ref and then stumbles off an invisible banana peel and flops to the floor from the apron. Now, it’s the worst of Flair too. Just to remind you, this is an I QUIT MATCH! AND DDP’S CAREER IS ON THE LINE!

• DDP says the hell with this and he’s taking a walk. WCW was ahead of it’s time because it went straight past Reality TV into Surreality TV. This is like the primordial soup of my id manifested into a Chamber of Horrors match just for me. Booty drags DDP back and Dallas begs off. Tony speculates that DDP could lose the match by countout even though he’s in the ring. Glorious. DDP suckers Booty into the turnbuckle and goes to work. Booty comes back and sends DDP into all THREE turnbuckles a dozen times. DDP fumbles out of harm’s way and tumbles to the floor. WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Not done, DDP sells a concussion (I’m guessing) by careening into the ringpost and falling over the guard rail into the front row. This is like that bizarre sociological experiment that tested the limits of good taste and crowd patience between Cat and Buff Bagwell at Road Wild 99.

• Remarkably, the crowd is still with them. NO! I was mistaken. The crowd was popping for something else. Dusty: “I JUST SPOTTED A BALLERINA!” The woman in question is Diamond Doll coming to the match’s rescue. Brain: “A Booty Man cheerleader is just what we need.” Why didn’t she come out with Booty at the beginning? Back in, DDP no sells to cut off Booty at the pass. They fight over a wristlock before doing a criss cross and DDP now outsmarts the cutoff and struts for the crowd. Booty hits a haymaker and DDP ties himself up in the ropes. Dusty wants them to take it home because he’s seen enough particularly of Beefcake. Dust: “He needs to try and pin him away when he can. This thing has went long enough as far as Booty Man is concerned.” They botch an armdrag or something so Booty covers for nothing. They repeat the spot and Booty whiffs on a flying shoulderblock. DDP goes to the BLATANTCHOKE as the crowd is ROCKING for the inevitable comeback.

• Back suplex and DDP wants a perfect 10 but no go from Kimberly. Cover gets 1, 2, 2 ½. CHINNNNLOCK! They go to the pass out spot but Booty gets the arm up. Booty elbows free but runs into a knee from Dallas. Kimberly looks on and says SO CUTE to the camera presumably referring to Booty Man taking a knee. DDP goes back to the chinlock but Dream has hopes for Booty. Dust: “HE IS CLOSE TO TAKING THE TIDE AND TURNING IT INTO A VICTORY!” DDP continues using the ropes for leverage for TWO MINUTES while Nick does laps marathoning in and out of position. Kimberly: “I don’t want him to get hurt. I WANT HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND!” Tony: “OHHHH! HOW BOUT THAT?!” To say this thing is glacially paced would be an insult to the erosion rate of glaciers. They finally go for the go home where DDP tries to plant THE KISS THAT DOES MISS and Kimberly waffles him back into a high knee. Booty covers to end the 30 Years War at 16:02.

• While DDP is normally the consummate tactician and performer of his brand of low brow working and that meshed remarkably well with Johnny B. Badd, Booty isn’t charismatic enough or cardiovascularly inclined enough to keep up the charade. Instead, you end up with 5 minutes of stalling, 5 minutes of chinlocks, 5 minutes of absent-minded diatribes, and an eternity of soul-crushing antipathetic anti-entertainment. ½*

• Schemin’ Gene is now with Jimmy Hart and tweener Lex Luger. Gene fingers Hart as the man who rearranged the card. After Loch Ness turned face, he moved Luger into the Doomsday Cage and out of the tag title match thus opening up Book for that spot. Jimmy says this is a sad day for him because this is the last time that he’ll walk Lex Luger to the ring. HE’S A MAN OF HIS WORD! He gives Lex some official Jimmy Hart gear with Lex’s face on it and runs away in tears. Gene tells him to blow it out his… HEY, WATCH YOUR DAMN MOUTH!

• Gene tells Luger that he should be glad to be rid of Hart’s slavery. Luger feels conflicted because he’s going through the most dangerous match in wrestling history, the Doomsday Cage. Luger, though, is so broken up over not getting to defend his tag titles that he can’t even get the words out. Gene: “YOU BAILED ON HIM, LUGER! C’MON!” Luger says that his best friend, his confidante, his mon cheri, his paramour, Sting will compete in a Chicago Street Fight without his partner. Luger then opines Sting will be at a disadvantage because those with the most experience in strategy and the vast inner workings of this type of match are none other than those from Chicago, like Lex himself. Tonight, Luger will be watching Sting’s back.

Loch Ness vs. The Giant. Tony: “This is truly a battle of titanic proportions…. in many ways.” Brain: “This is the first time in the history of Mississippi that they’ve had a Richter scale brought in…Don’t put down on pencil and paper a list of great moves because you’re not going to see them in this match.” Ness is Martin Ruane aka Giant Haystacks. He’s billed at 700 lbs and while he’s a big man, that’s a bit suspect. Nessie’s run wouldn’t last long as he was brought in to face Hogan but that went nowhere after Ruane was diagnosed with cancer. Oh yeah, the winner of this faces Flair the next night on Nitro for the world strap.

• IT’S THE GIANT FACEOFF! Giant wins the lockup with a knee and some chops in the corner. He chokes with the foot. Loch Ness comes back with a headbutt and a goozle. Ness with some ugly CLUBBINGBLOWS which Giant no sells to send him into the turnbuckle. Giant with a few boots and goes for a STINGER SPLASH! BUT WHIFFS AND EATS IT TO THE FLOOR! That was incredible even if meaningless. I’d like to see him break that one out today. Back in, Ness karate chops him down and hits an elbow drop. He calls for one more but comes up dry. Dust: “I believe that would have done it, too.” Giant takes over with a Hogan-line and a boot. A leg drop and Giant covers for 1, 2, 3 at 2:35. And that’s that. ¼*

• Post-match, Giant cuts a quick promo on Hogan and Flair.

• Meanwhile, Lee Marshal has Sting and Booker T. Marshal wants to know what Sting has to say but Book cuts him off to start. He’s got something to prove to the Road Warriors and if they come past 110th street, IT’S GON BE A HARLEM STREET FIGHT! Sting: “STRAIGHT OG, BROTHER, RIGHT?!” Sting shoves Book a few times to get him pumped up. Book: “Don’t make me knock you out right now, sucka.” Sting sidesteps to say he wants Book to instead knock out one of the Road Warriors, because his brothers in paint have turned their backs on friendship. GUESS WHAT WARRIORS! THOSE DETACHED RETINAS AND KNEECAPS THAT ARE DETACHED, FORGET IT! Book then puts over their championship pedigree and ends it with: “IT’S GON BE NOTHIN’ BUT A THING, LIKE A CHICKEN WING ON A STRING!” Sting: “ON LIKE NECKBONE, GIVE IT TO ME!”

Chicago Street Fight for the WCW World Tag Team Championship: Road Warriors vs. Booker T and Sting (c). Pinfalls count anywhere. Texas Tornado rules. Tony: “This is going to be a F-I-G-H-T, fight.” To reiterate, Luger is really ½ of the champs with Sting, but he’s in the Doomsday Cage tonight. The LOD’s music is an “Iron Man” ripoff. Brain: “Sting has everything to lose and nothing to gain. Beating the Road Warriors will not make him tag team champion; he is. But can ya trust Booker T? I don’t think so.”

• The LOD chase them down and the brawl is on in the aisle. Back in the ring, Sting and Animal and Book and Hawk have paired off. Hawk and Book are back on the floor where Book hits a Mafia kick. Animal avoids a Sting charge and gets the boot up in the corner. Animal mounts in the corner for the 10 punches while Book sends Hawk into the ringpost. Hawk comes back with a backdrop on the floor. Sting cuts him off with a block but everyone is back in the ring. Now, they switch and Book has Animal and Sting has Hawk. Book hits the Ax Kick on Animal while Hawk dumps out Sting. Book covers for 1, 2, only 2. Hawk rakes the back on the floor while Animal hits a powerslam for another 2 count. Tony then talks up how he feels there really should be two referees in these kind of matches and that’s not a bad idea. Meanwhile, Animal pulls Sting over and crotches him on the ringpost to a HUGE reaction. Tony: “This is a Stinger Splash that he did not want.” Dust: “Is that the glutimum maximum?”

• Hawk hangs Book out to dry on the ringpost. Sting has now reversed to an even BIGGER reaction and crotches Animal on the same ringpost. Hawk comes to the rescue but gets overcome by CLUBBINGBLOWS. Brain: “He may be an Animal but he’s going to sound like a gerbil in the morning.” Sting slams down Animal while Book hits a PILEDRIVER ON THE FLOOR! Sting with a splash and the crowd is feeling it. Hawk COMPLETELY no sells a fuckin’ piledriver on the floor to clothesline Book down. Asshole. Book comes back with a few kicks while Animal hits the LARIATO on Sting. He covers for 1, 2, only 2 while Brain talks over strategy of mugging your opponent of all money, rings, and credit cards after getting him down for the count. Sting hits the big facesmash on Animal but Hawk cuts him off. Animal no sells to BLATANTLYLOWBLOW Book. Dust: “That was—uh—was—I ain’t even goin’ to say what that was.” Brain: “Reflex action.” Tony: “Reflex action?” Brain: “IT’S UNCENSORED! Say anything you want, they can do whatever they want and they know it. That’s what WCW is all about, that’s what this PPV is all about. They can do whatever they want and not get in trouble, not get fined. They can get away with MURDER!”

• ANYWAY, Book sends Animal into the guardrail while Hawk works over Sting. Book covers on the floor for 1, 2, 2 ½. Brain: “Let me ask you somethin’, how do you think this match would have been goin’ right now had Luger been in there as Sting’s partner?” Dust: “I believe Luger would have already hit the high road. I believe he would have hit the bricks.” Brain: “EXCUSE ME?! You mean he would put his tail between his legs and go over that railing and run?” Dust: “Luger’s out for one person and that’s Lex Luger and that’s nobody else. I will stand on that statement, my friend.” Good stuff. ANYWAY, Book heads up top for nothing and jumps off into a shot to the breadbasket and a dropkick. Hawk dropkicks Sting down in the aisle and goes to the BLATANTCHOKE. Hawk and Animal switch off again. Sting takes a walk to the back while the LOD double team Book. Book applies an armbar on Hawk while Animal wonders to the back to find Sting only to eat a STINGER CHAIRSHOT.

• Sting waffles him again with another pitiful piece of work. Book releases the armbar so Sting can waffle Hawk too. Dust: “THEY JACKIN’ JAWS NOW! THEY JACKIN’ JAWS!” Another chairshot to Hawk and he goes down in a heap. Animal comes back and steals the chair to waffle Book and Sting down to BOOOOOOS! Animal covers Book for 1, 2, Sting breaks it up. All four guys selling exhaustion or are blown up. Book hits the Harlem Sidekick on Animal. Sting hits a piledriver on Hawk and he again no sells it. Hawk comes back to fold up Sting with a WildBomb. Animal and Book brawl out to the floor again with some choking. Looks like blown up since we’ve got a pair of rest holds going and Book cuts off Animal by choking him with a camera cable. Hawk dumps out Sting to throw him into the front row. Tony: “What has been a brutal, high impact, unexpected night of ACTIONNN! Sting is in the stands.” Dust: “In the streets, brotha.” Tony: “And so is Road Warrior Hawk. This is Uncensored. This is anything goes. LOOK AT ‘EM!” That goes nowhere as Sting is tossed back to ringside.

• Thing have REALLY slowed down since they gassed a few minutes ago. Hawk waffles Sting with an odd chairshot as Brain talks winners and losers. Brain: “They’ll feel this match for the next couple of days. Maybe couple weeks. You don’t get over a thing like this. There are no winners in a thing like this. There are no winners in the cage match later.” Tony: “Actually, I think the winners would be Harlem Heat because if Sting and Booker T prevail, Harlem Heat gets a shot against Sting and Luger.” More good stuff on commentary. Sting backdrops out of a Hawk piledriver on the floor and Book comes flying with a GIANT BACKRAKE on Animal off the apron. Book and Animal escort each other to the cage near the entrance. Sting hits a SCORPION HAMMER on Hawk that he no sells.

• Sting whiffs on a Stinger Splash and Hawk takes him down. Animal and Book take their sweet time walking back. LOD set up the Doomsday Device but Book crotches Animal. Dust: “ONCE AGAIN, ET CAME HOME!” Book goes up top for a crossbody for 1, 2, foot on the ropes. Sting goes to the dizzy low blow spot for a pop. Hawk suplexes Book and everyone is done. Sting gets kicked low to the stones again and Animal chokes away. Book hits the sideslam but whiffs on an elbow. SPINAROONIE! NO! BROKEN UP BY ANIMAL! Sting heads up for a big splash but comes up dry. Hawk flies off but Book catches him with a Bluechipper dropkick. Nice reaction on that. Hawk now applies an Indian Deathlock on Sting or some shit as he’s completely gassed. More choking from Animal as Nick Patrick wants to stop the match.

• Book low blows Animal to escape. Book flies out with a plancha but Animal moves and I’d say this has gone about 5 minutes too long. Seriously, Sting is the only guy equipped to wrestle this long in this kind of setting and even he has to “sell” as not to expose the rest for minutemen. Animal tosses Book around into the guardrail as Hawk collapses on top of Sting for another “nearfall.” Sting and Hawk collide in an awful spot and Sting then clubs him down from the side and Hawk is glad to take a dive and lay around. Double shoulderblock puts down Animal. Sting crotches Hawk on the top rope much to the fan’s delight. Animal and Book trade suplexes. Animal waffles Sting breaking up a Boston Crab but Sting won’t release, so the whole thing breaks down into a donnybrook.

• Book misses another sidekick and crotches himself. Animal takes Sting up the aisle as Hawk hits the top rope clothesline. Sting cuts off Animal for more of the same. Book hits a double pump roundhouse and Dust doesn’t even care and neither does the crowd. Book covers for nothing. I think the match stopped having a story a decade ago when it turned into a war of attrition. Book applies a Camel Clutch but Hawk reclines back and dumps him off. Hawk covers for another 2 count. Hawk clotheslines Book over the top and Sting slams down Animal. Sting sparks up but flies off into a powerslam in a cool spot. Animal covers Sting for the 1! 2! 3! KICKOUT! Book hits a DDT on the floor while Animal lays on Sting a few times and Sting can’t even muster up enough energy to get his shoulder off the mat. Animal releases to lackadaisically miss a few sledges and collide on a double clothesline. Book karate chops Hawk in the throat and Hawk comes back with chops. Man, these four guys are just trashed beyond belief. It’s just heavy labored brawling on the floor and in the ring and then switch places for the last 10+ minutes. Back in, Hawk hits a shoulderblock but whiffs on a fist drop. Book finally gets the SPINAROONIE for a sidekick.

• Animal waffles Sting again with a chairshot. He goes for a clothesline but Sting moves and Animal eats ringpost. Sting now hits him with a few chairshots. Hawk and Sting fight over the chair and Book comes flying out to of course eat a chairshot. Brain: “THIS IS UNCENSORED! THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT!” Tolstoy has written shorter novels than this. Sting abandons Book to again take a walk. Powerslam on Book as Sting comes running back in with two brooms. He waffles everyone until Animal steals the broom for some clubberin’ with plunder of his own. Animal breaks a broom over his knee and chokes Sting as Book crotches Hawk for the 27th crotch spot and low blow of the match. Even Book has had enough as he throws up his hands and says he’s outta here and FOR ONCE, that’s not a completely ridiculous reaction.

• Hawk hits a big splash on Sting for 1, 2, nearfall. Animal powerwalks Book down in the back and happens to run into Luger who gives him tips on how to collect six figures without hour long street fights. Luger is also in front of a mirror primping his hair up for tonight and of course Animal bumps into him. Luger jumps Animal and Stevie Ray appears out of nowhere to help. Hawk hits another flying clothesline for another nearfall. They start choking Animal in between some pipes and steel beams and handcuff him. Luger: “HE RUINED MY SHOES!” Sting whiffs on the Splash spot and eats guardrail. BUT WAIT! BOOK HAS COME BACK OUT! Book throws Hawk into the ring steps. Sideslam and he goes for the Harlem Hangover but Hawk moves. HERE COMES STEVIE RAY! He waffles Hawk with a chairshot. Book covers for 1, 2, 3 at 29:37.

• Insanely long for what all the guys were capable of in this format. You’ve got an aging LOD whose specialty was always squashes going against two guys who’ve never tagged before in a 30 minute street fight with barely any story or violence worthy of the gimmick or the length. Plus, everyone had basically ran through their stuff and blew their gas in the first 10 minutes. For the next TWENTY minutes, you’ve just got repeats of everything with a more crotch spots, no sells, and weapons spots with chairs and brooms. Rarely does a match go from entertaining as hell to mind-numbingly boring all the way back around to entertaining for the go-home, but once Book brawls to the back and the story unpauses for the ending it picks up again. Just FF through the middle 15 minutes and you’ve got a much better match. **1/2

Doomsday Cage: MegaPowers vs. The Alliance to End Hulkamania. The alliance consists of Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Taskmaster, Lex Luger, Meng, Barbarian, The Ultimate Solution, and Z-Gangsta. Ultimate Solution is Jeep Sweenson, better known as Bane from Batman and Robin and arguably the most muscular wrestler ever, but Ted Arcidi might have something to say about that. Z-Gangsta is Zeus from No Holds Barred aka Debo from Friday aka Tiny Lister. Tony wants to know about where Brian Pillman is, but he’s nowhere to be found. Disappointingly, everyone comes out to the Dungeon music. Instead of even attempting to explain what’s going on here, I’ll let the crew take over.

• Tony: “Rules, I understand, are very simple. Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage will start at the top as like a gauntlet. Once they get through a cage, if they win in that particular cage, then those men would be eliminated til they work their way down to the bottom. They can pin Hulk Hogan or beat Macho Man Randy Savage at any time. But Hogan and Savage must go through every man to win their match.”

• Brain: “Tony, YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT RULES! THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT RULES! THERE IS NOT GOING TO BE ANY RULES! THEY’RE GOING TO GET IN THAT CAGE AND GO AFTER THE BIG WHITE TIGER, HULK HOGAN! AND TEAR THE YELLOW AND RED OFF HIS CARCASS, YOU KNOW IT?!”

• Dust: “Don’t bet on that. MegaPowers gonna be ready for this situation. They’ve had time to think about it. The importance to WCW where the big boys play. The importance of this match right here on this PPV is mega-important than anything than anything EVER in wrestling history. BOTTOM LINE! The man that lead us into the 80’s, the man that LEADING us into the 90’s, the man HULK HOGAN that stands for so much of what it’s all about at WCW, is now faced with this opportunity right now… HE CAN RID THEM!”

• Arn and Flair are in the top cage and they start with Hogan and Macho. Arn is in some black jogging sweatsuit. By the way, not only is Pillman out of sight, but so are Ultimate Solution and Z-Gangsta. Flair and Macho peel off for the usual while walking around gingerly on a soft chain-link roof. Brain: “WHAT A GREAT THING FOR TELEVISION! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE! ONLY HERE AT WCW!” Lots of punching follows before Arn gouges Hogan’s eye. Flair throws Macho into a support beam but Macho no sells to tackle Arn from behind. Arn works over Macho while Hogan practices his favorite pasttime since the early 90’s, screwing over Flair. Tony: “Gentleman, we are as high up as a wrestling match has EVER BEEN BEFORE!”

• We switch to a crane shot that dazzles the boys but unfortunately, reveals just the second cage full of Barbarian and Meng just standing there hanging out like video game characters that have nothing better to do than to wait for you to kick their ass. Flair chops Hogan but he no sells and Hulks up. Macho chokes Arn with a shirt as Tony tries to work out the blueprints: “Now, I believe, I’m not sure, that there is a trap door for them to get down to the next level. But I believe for the final level they will have to walk right out the door because that’s a BIG drop.” Hogan bumps Flair into the support beam and then chokes him, more using Flair to balance on than trying to inflict harm since they’re a few stories up.” Brain: “THIS IS GREAT TELEVISION HISTORY! THIS SURPASSES A SUPER BOWL, A WORLD SERIES, ANYTHING YOU WANT TO NAME! THIS IS TREMENDOUS!”

• Another wide shot and Meng and Barbarian are just hanging out. At least Luger is trying to work as he and Sullivan grab Macho’s feet through their ceiling and that allows Flair to pound him down. Dust: “OK, Bobby. Now, you been manager of the year so many times. What is the snake-in-the-grass Jimmy Hart thinking about here? And Woman and Elizabeth standing out there, ya know, I mean, the two devilish women, what kind of strategy is he yelling at them? What can you say when they are 45 feet up in the air?” Brain: “When I managed people that were involved in a cage, there’s not much you can do once the cage door is shut. All you can do is provide support. But you can pick out a lot of things when you’re at eye level. But when you’re THIRTY! FORTY! FIFTY! SEVENTY FEET IN THE AIR! THREE DIFFERENT CAGES! The only thing a manager can do is just stand back, watch, and hope you have a client in the morning.”

• Flair chokes Macho while Arn applies a Figure Four on Hogan. Flair now applies a F4 as well to no reaction. Dust: “I TELL YA WHAT! If you got a chain link fence at home, TEAR IT DOWN! And lay it on the ground, and just go lay out on it, just lay on it with ya back.” Brain: “AND PULL YA NEIGHBOR OVER AND SLAP THE FIGURE FOUR ON HIM!” Dust: “I didn’t say that. I’m saying go out and lay on it and see what kind of pain, bruising, and agony…” Brain: “Put the figure eight on your doberman or do whatever you want to do out there.” Tony: “Figure Eight on your doberman!” Brain: “Well, they have four legs.” ANYWAY, the MegaPowers turn the F4s over. BUT WAIT! FLAIR PASSES SOME BOLT CUTTERS TO THE SECOND LEVEL! BUT WAIT AGAIN! HOGAN AND SAVAGE HAVE CHALK! They blind everyone and some even gets on the goons in the second level. Hogan and Macho escape down to the second floor at 6:35.

• Visibility is obliterated by all the chalk flying around. It’s like they set off a fire extinguisher. ANYWAY, now Arn and Flair should be eliminated and it’s Macho/Hogan against Luger/Sullivan/Meng/Barbarian in the second floor. Jimmy Hart slips a chain to Sullivan. Brain: “IT’S OK! IT’S UNCENSORED!” Hogan, of course, steals the chain and uses it on Sullivan. Luger jumps him from behind and now he’s got the chain. Meng and Barbarian collide on a clothesline and Macho fights them off for the coconut. Hogan sends Luger into the cage. Luger: “OOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!” Out of nowhere, Dusty reveals there are actually TWO cages within the second floor and now Hogan mysteriously traps Meng and Barbarian to isolate them. Macho works over Luger and Sullivan while Hogan takes a breather. Arn despite being eliminated (he has nowhere to go, mind you) jumps down to the second floor and tries to help Meng and Barbarian bust out of the trap (because there’s no other way out of the cage). Hogan and Sullivan escape out of the cage (but still on the second floor) onto some adjacent scaffolding and Sullivan teases a dive into the crowd. Tony: “WHOAAA! LOOK OUT! YOU’VE GOT A COMBINATION DOOMSDAY SCAFFOLD MATCH!” Sullivan comes back with a low blow and then he and Hogan walk, arm in arm, down to the first floor. Macho and Luger are doing whatever, while Arn, Flair, Meng, and Barbarian plan a prison break. Luger and Macho barrel out of the second floor cage so that all the legal men are on the bottom floor at 11:20.

• Keep in mind, according to the rules in this no rules, Doomsday cage match, on the no rules, Uncensored PPV, all of the heels in the top two cages are supposed to be out of the match now, leaving just the MegaPowers against Z and Ultimate Solution. Obviously, that’s not happening as Z and Jeep are AWOL as is Brian Pillman. Also, all of this is supposed to be going down in the ground floor cage near the entrance, but Hogan is all I PRESS SLAMMED ANDRE AT WM3, BROTHER and decides he’s taking this show over to the regular ring. Sullivan, like a good improv man, doesn’t question that decision and just chases him down. Hogan steals Buffer’s mic and waffles him down. Hogan follows up with a few pitiful shots as they finally get into the wrong ring. Dust: “I don’t know where Luger and Savage are.” Tony: “I don’t know where Z-Gangsta and–” Dust cuts him off to reveal that the Horsemen and the Faces of Fear have broken out of the cage as well. Macho chokes Luger while Hogan shitcans Sullivan out and decides to get back to the correct ring. Hogan cuts off Luger with a blind clothesline and Luger sells it like getting hit by a car. Tony: “THIS IS WHAT IT’S ALL COME TO IN WCW, FANS!” Hogan waffles Luger with a spotlight. Sullivan sends Savage into the cage while Luger bounces himeslf into the guardrail while Hogan stands behind him pretending to care. This is pure insanity.

• Hogan and Luger decide to parlay down in the regular, incorrect ring as well while Sullivan gets a wooden plank. Macho steals the piece of wood and runs down Luger at ringside. Hogan mounts Luger for some GnP. Sullivan sneaks him from behind with a low blow. Luger takes down Macho with a running punt. Hogan no sells the low blow to pull Luger to the floor for whatever. Hogan runs into Luger with a chair and again Luger gets stampeded by a pack of wild elephants. Hogan waffles Luger with a chair but it’s completely meaningless as Luger gets the chair and clubs down Macho and another for Hogan. Sullivan crotches Macho on the guardrail and clotheslines him down. Dust: “I’ll tell ya what, there’s no seat assignment here. EVERYONE IS STANDING!” Sullivan and Luger are whipped into each other as Luger searches for new sounds and grimaces to express unspeakable horrors. BUT WAIT! HERE COME ULTIMATE SOLUTION AND Z-GANGSTA! THE PARTY HAS BEEN CRASHED, TONY! Brain: “NOW WE HAVE FUN!” Dust: “I see no fun in this.” Brain: “Well, our definition of fun is different.” Fun indeed as the heels walk the MegaPowers over to the bottom tier cage finally to REALLY begin the third section at 18:48.

• HOGANHOGANHOGAN! It’s a four way posedown! DOUBLE LOCKUP! LOOK AT THE POWER! Jeep tosses Hogan down a few times. Of note, the ring is lit by some purple mood lighting like this is Lilith Fair. Z Zeuses up and pounds down Macho. Sullivan has taken the broken broom from earlier and is trying to stab Mach from outside the cage. Brain: “LOOK AT SULLIVAN, HE’S HARPOONING PEOPLE!” Macho no sells to hit the double sledge on Z. Dust: “HE’S GOT HIM WOBBLY!” Jeep hits an atomic drop that Hogan no sells just because. Macho with a few clotheslines but runs into a bearhug from Z. Hogan breaks it up but it’s NO HOLDS BARRED II, TONY! HOGANHOGANHOGAN! Z goes to the goozle and Hogan conveniently enough decides to sit then lay down for it. Jeep press slams Macho down to no reaction.

• Hogan breaks up the choke with an eye poke. He sends Z into the turnbuckle for some of the worst wrestling this side of Booty Man going 20 minutes in 1996. Macho tries a splash but Jeep catches him in the bearhug. TWO BEARHUGS FOR MACHO! Hogan breaks that up too. BUT WAIT! ARN AND FLAIR ARE BACK IN! Flair struts to arguably the biggest reaction of the match. The MegaPowers are getting beat down while Jimmy Hart laughs on in ecstasy. BUT WAIT! MY GOODNESS, IT’S BOOTY MAN! He slides more chalk and frying pans to Hogan and Savage. Dust: “GO FOR IT, BABY! GO FOR IT! WALK TALL! WALK TALLLLL!” Hogan and Macho waffle everyone with skillets. HERE COMES LEX LUGER! Luger puts on a loaded glove or some shit. He turns on Flair and blasts him down to a pop. Hogan doesn’t care though and lays out Luger anyway. Hogan and Macho waltz out, but not before Hogan reminds Savage to, oh yeah, WIN THE FUCKING MATCH! Macho pins Flair for 1, 2, 3 to end Doomsday at 25:15 and protect Arn, Z, Jeep, Luger, and the FOF.

• This match is a testament to the genius of Hulk Hogan. If it were directed by Quentin Taratino, it would sweep the Oscars and be hailed as a masterpiece of post-genre, amoral, non-linear storytelling rife with excessive violence and gore that simultaneously champions and makes us questions the paradox of violence – its power and its destruction. Can a band of brothers, heroes so gifted in the guise of violence truly be heroes anymore? If this match were in Chikara, it would win all the WON awards and take its rightful place next to the Flair-Steamboat series of 1989 as the greatest that professional wrestling has to offer. Like a true visionary, Hogan realized that Hulkamania was on its last legs and that in order to win the war, he had to lose the war. Unlike others, Hogan wasn’t going to put pushed out or shoved out; he was going to go out on his own terms simultaneously crushing every heel in the promotion on his way to pole vaulting them all at the head of a new stable and turning heel two months later. The Alliance to End Hulkamania didn’t screw Hulkamania; Hulk Hogan screwed Hulkamania.Hulk Hogan, my hats off to you.

The 411: You've got two very good matches to open up the show but even they aren't slam dunks. The lucha match is heavy with standoffs and bail outs. The Regal-Finlay match is sheer brutality but almost no holds or heat. The middle hour is mostly worthless. But the last hour is performance art at its finest. The half hour street fight and the Doomsday cage are simultaneously so strange and meadering they almost deserve to be seen for that alone. Almost.
 
Final Score:  5.5   [ Not So Good ]  legend

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Jack Bramma
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