Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

• Scheduled Card:
1. Falls Count Anywhere Match: Kane vs. Randy Orton.
2. Funkasaurus vs. Dolph Ziggler.
3. Tables Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show (c).
4. Two-Out-of-Three-Falls Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus (c).
5. Chicago Street Fight for the WWE Championship: Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk (c).
6. WWE Diva’s Championship: Beth Phoenix vs. Nikki Bella (c).
7. Extreme Rules Match: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena.

• We start with the same AWESOME video package from lead-in where Brock said he wasn’t an “entertainer” but instead an “ass-kicker” and then it crosscuts between added footage of Cena trying to one-up a guy on video replay and still coming up short.

• Falls Count Anywhere Match: Kane vs. Randy Orton. This rematch was set-up by Kane beating up Bob Orton Jr. though no word on whether or not that was payback for him not telling UT about his medical history. Orton tried getting payback by kidnapping Paul Bearer but no one including Kane cared.

• Kane overpowers to start but runs into a boot and several CLUBBINGBLOWS from Orton. Kane no sells and uppercuts him off the top rope. Kane follows out and covers on the floor for a 2 count. Kane gets a lead pipe but Orton cuts him off with the Euro uppercuts. Orton steals the pipe and waffles Kane a few times. Being a master of subtlety and transitions, Kane walks himself over to the top rope and hooks it preparing for the Zombie shitcan. Meanwhile, Orton no sells an uppercut to slug it out. They brawl into the crowd and Kane gets the advantage with a headbutt. They fight over some facesmashes into a barricade on the lower level. The crowd chants “Randy” for this pedestrian display as Orton gets a testicular charge and then covers for 2. Kane comes back with a bodyslam and covers for another 2. Kane with a BASEMENT DROPKICK ON THE FLOOR! Alright, what can I say? That was the move of the match so far. More generic brawling as Orton backs up a stairway. Book: “Orton trying to create some space, but HE’S GOING THE WRONG WAY!” They make their way over near the set as Orton slides out of a Snake Eyes and hits a dropkick for 2. Orton goes for the RKO but falls victim to the FOOT TO THE FACE. Kane covers for 1, 2, still 2. Kane carries Orton backstage and throws him into a roadie trunk. Orton reverses a whip and sends Kane into the catered viewing area in the lockerroom. BUT WAIT! Zack Ryder attacks Kane from behind. Kane, like a bastard, no sells everything Ryder has and goozles him. Orton with the neck/backbreaker from behind for 1, 2, only 2. Kane with a few more haymakers and the cameraman takes a tumble. Cole: “NO ONE IS SAFE IN FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE!” Kane throws a shelved cart at Orton and Book as usual is amazed: “OH MY GOODNESS!” They make their way back out to the arena and to the ring. Orton with a series of right hands and a clothesline. Kane tries no selling but Orton hits him with a powerslam. The crowd is behind Orton as he gets a chair. Orton waffles Kane with a few chairshots. Kane bails out so Orton throws him into the announce table. Kane with a goozle but Orton shrugs him off and preps the apron DDT off the announce table and hits it. That was nifty. Orton covers for 1, 2, 2 ½. Orton goes for the RKO but Kane shoves him into the ringpost and covers for 1, 2, still 2. Kane heads up top but Orton crotches him and hits a superplex. Cover gets 1, 2, 2 ½. Orton again calls for the RKO but Kane counters to the ChokeSlam to a mild pop. Cover gets 1, 2, OHNOHEALMOSTGOT’IM. Pop for the kickout because that had some fooled. Kane with the throat slash and calls for the Tombstone. Orton slides out and hits an RKO on a chair. Cover gets 1, 2, 3 to win it at 16:45.

• Standard fare for this gimmick. The nod in the direction of continuity for Ryder is appreciated even if it still renders him moot as an ineffective henchman. The match picked up once they got back to ringside and broke out the weapons and nearfalls. ***

• Post-match, Book cuts off the rest of the crew because he has words of wisdom: “All I’ve got to say guys is… THAT MAN, RANDY ORTON….” Book then trails off having abandoned that thought at the abyss or perhaps he thinks that WAS a thought.

• Meanwhile, Eve and Johnny Ace admire their handiwork from the back in front of the RAW Roulette wheel. Eve says she has something for just such an occasion and brings in HELLOMYNAMEISTEDDY with the champagne. They drink to People Power and then Ace takes a call from Triple H. Man, Ace as GM was so gold as forcing Teddy to walk around with a giant nametag is easily more entertaining than anything he’s ever done as GM.

• Funkasaurus vs. Dolph Ziggler. Funk has Hornswoggle with him, even though the Funk-Santino pairing was infinitely better. Dolph is accompanied by Vickie and Jack Swagger. Crowd gets a mild chant for Funk going as he throws Dolph into the mat. That chant is quickly overpowered by a louder one for Ziggler. Swagger distracts Funk and that allows Ziggler to dropkick Funk out to the floor. Swagger plows over him with a shoulderblock on the floor while the ref holds off Ziggler. Back in, Funk no sells and hits one to the breadbasket to boos. Dolph avoids another, clips the knee, and hits the Fame-asser to loud cheers. Dolph covers for only 1. Dolph tries to hold down Funk with a front facelock. Funk escapes so Dolph dropkicks him down for 1. Dolph goes to the mounted sleeper as King and Cole argue which manager’s face is “smug.” Cutting edge commentary from the best in the biz. Funk no sells the Sleeper and throws down Dolph. It’s even more offensive because the Sleeper is one of Dolph’s specialties. Dolph preps a suplex but Funk counters to a gordbuster and some clotheslines to boos. Swagger distracts again so Dolph goes back to the Sleeper. Funk ignores him and hits the POUNCE which Dolph takes gloriously by leaping into the air and then flopping dead. Funk follows with the splash and finishes it at 4:18. Dolph deserves better but at least he can job with personality and make it look good. *1/4

• Meanwhile on the pre-show, since Hornswoggle as mystery GM was busy, the RAW Roulette wheel booked Showster and Cody in a tables match. Then everyone does the sensible thing and blames Teddy Long.

• Tables Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show (c). This was set-up by Show pulverizing Cody at WM to win the IC strap. Show then taunted him for another month deciding that a squash in a regular match wasn’t enough and he wanted one in a gimmick match as well. Show chops Cody around to start and backdrops Cody to the other side of the arena. More of the SHHHHHHH chops from Show to an admittedly loud pop. Book: “YOU DON’T WANNA FEEL THAT, DAWG!” Show preps a table but Cody slides out and clips the knee. Show no sells and throws Cody into the barricade for more chops. Show brings Cody in and sets up a table in the corner. Cody counters the shitcan with a sweet springboard gamengiri. Cody goes for a charge but Show blocks him to the floor and tosses him around some more. Cody: “PLEASE GOD! OHHH, MY HIP!” Cody retreats to the far side of the ring and Show clubs him down again. Show slowly saunters up the stairs and goes for the step over the ropes but Cody cuts him off with a Bluechipper dropkick. Show loses his balance and takes a step through a table at ringside. The ref calls for the bell at 4:35. Show’s facial reaction is great as he sells the “uh oh” moment well. Still, another squash match with a fluke ending that does nothing for either guy, even if the ending is cool in an “didn’t see that coming” way, not in a “that was incredible, do it again” way. *

• Post-match, Show and the face announcers pull the sore loser routine. Show plows over Cody to BOOOs and then ChokeSlams him through a table and THEN press slams him to the outside through a table in one of those ridiculously dangerous spots that’s completely unnecessary. However, this segment plays a whole lot better after seeing Show turn heel later, because it gives the firing some legitimate justification (due to Show’s violent and unsportsmanlike behavior) and puts over Show as a badass with a mean streak.

• Matt Striker is in the back with Daniel Bryan. YES! Bryan ignores Striker’s questions and says teachers like Striker are the reason our education rankings suck and then segues into a list of reasons he’s better than Sheamus: 1. He gets more chicks. 2. His beard is way manlier and cooler. 3. His belly isn’t weighed down by 5 lbs of corn beef. He tries to get some heat by calling the crowd unoriginal and overrated but they don’t really care. He says he’s smarter than Sheamus, better conditioned, and he WILL become the two-time champ. YESYESYESYESYES! As he goes to the ring, AJ watches from afar dreaming of one-day being able to leave him at the altar and book Cody and Show in tables matches like a roulette wheel.

• Two-Out-of-Three-Falls Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus (c). Sheamus blindsided DB with the pump kick at Mania in near-record time and DB blamed AJ for the kiss that didn’t miss. By the way, the video package and Dragon’s earlier interview show that this was still during a time when the Fed was trying to turn the YES chants against DB by having Sheamus and others co-opt them rather than just pound them into the ground by making them “uncool.”

• Sheamus is wearing a bright red “18 seconds” shirt just to stick it to DB about Wrestlemania. Sheamus gets a mixed reaction and crowd is split. Sheamus grabs a headlock and then plows over DB with a shoulder block to start. Sheamus grabs another headlock and goes for the takedown but Dragon head scissors out. Sheamus wastes no time in going for the pump kick but DB sniffs it out and dives back into the corner to avoid. See, that’s an awesome spot for (at least) two reasons 1. It fucks with the smarks to rile them up 2. It plays on the storytelling of the first but also expands on it by having DB counter. DB grabs a wristlock and grinds Sheamus down. Sheamus counters and drops a few knees on the arm for 1. Crowd gets the YESYESYES stuff going. DB grabs a waistlock but Sheamus counters to his own. Cole: “Sheamus showing he can stick with Daniel Bryan in the technical part.” Oh ye of little faith. Sheamus with another shoulder block and the Finlay Roll for 2. DB tries a sunset flip but Sheamus rolls through and applies the TEXAS CLOVERLEAF! It’s good thing Triple H put him on those Malenko tapes. DB gets the ropes but Sheamus tries to reapply so DB cradles him for 1, 2, only 2. Sheamus not liking this whole “wrestling” thing clubs him down and just BLATANTLYCHOKES him in the corner. DB with the backflip up and over and comes back with the flying burrito. Sheamus flops down so DB baseball slides him to the floor. DB goes for the busaiku knee but Sheamus catches him and spine busts him INTO THE BARRICADE! Brutal. Back in, Sheamus heads up top but DB crotches him. Cue the dueling chants as DB stomps a mudhole on Sheamus and NOW, WE GO TO SCHOOL, GRAYS HARBOR COUNTY STYLE!

• DB drops some knees and then grabs the hammerlock. DB holds it with his foot and then armbars the opposite arm and bridges into a cover for a fleeting 1 count. Cole: “Daniel Bryan has taken control of the World Champion.” Sheams tries elbowing his way free so DB knees him down and dropkicks his face. Sheamus continues doing his kickout at 1 shtick. DB with a few raucous Euro uppercts. DB with an O’Connor Roll for 1, 2, 2 ½. Dragon chokes him some and then tells the ref that HAS UNTIL FIVE much to the delight of his old school fans. When and if he ever busts out the Cattle Mutilation in a major match, the internet might explode. DB goes back to the arm breaker and hammerlock. Book: “Right now, Sheamus is working uphill and IT’S A LONG WAY UP, DAWG!” Sheamus again tries to elbow free and clotheslines DB down. Sheamus with a charge in the corner and a Million Dollar Kneelift.. He goes to the CLUBBINGBLOWBARRAGE on the apron and Dragon is toast. Sheamus with the Snap Ab Suplex and covers for 1, 2, only 2. Sheamus with a head of steam but DB dodges and Sheamus eats turnbuckle. DB punts the turnbuckle into Sheamus’s arm(!) and school boys him for 1, 2, 2.7. DB puts him up top and goes for the top rope rana but comes up dry. Sheamus with the shoulder block off the top and covers for 1, 2, 2 ½. Sheamus again goes for a charge but DB lowers the bridge and dumps Sheamus out. DB goes for the suicide dive but Sheamus gives him the CELTIC HAMMER to cut him off. Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge but DB sunset flips out for a near fall. DB wants the Labell Lock but Sheamus fights him off. They go through it again and this time Sheamus’s aggressiveness gets the better of him and he launches himself into the ringpost arm first. This would be a fantastic time to sell the arm. Dragon follows it up by throwing Sheamus into the ringpost arm first a few times. YESYESYESYESYES. This is a clinic on how to work the arm. DB wraps it around the ringpost now. Back in, DB boots the shit out of Sheamus’s arm and just generally detaches it from the socket but stops short of beating him with it. Sheamus gets the ropes but DB continues the onslaught past the 5 count and Chioda calls for the bell at 14:29 to grant Sheamus the first fall via DQ.

• I’m OK with that because it makes DB look like a crazed general who’ll lose the battle to win the war. As we start the last fall, Sheamus is DONE. He’s a sack of potatoes as DB hits the DROPKICK SUICIDA in the corner. DB applies the Labell Lock. Sheamus just sort of lays around and gestures in the direction of the ropes. SELL, YOU BASTARD! Instead, Sheamus passes out at 16:40.

• We’re at 1-1. During the break, the ref brings in the ring doctor to examine Sheamus and make sure that he’s physiologically capable of selling instead of legitimately sandbagging the psychology. The crowd gets the dueling YES/NO chants going as Sheamus struggles to his feet. Sheamus says he’s good to go for the last fall. As DB rushes in, Sheamus hits the desperation pump kick. He’s too out of it but delayed cover gets 1, 2, 2.999! DB up first and goes to the DRFGs and then a DRFG enzuigiri. Brutal as always. DB covers for 1, 2, only 2. Dragon heads up top but Sheamus cuts him off with the good arm. Nice. Sheamus wants a superplex but DB head butts him down and goes for the flying head butt. Sheamus moves and DB eats mat. DB goes for the DROPKICK SUICIDA again but collapses on himself in the turnbuckle. Sheamus no sells all the arm work to hit some CELTIC HAMMERS and a half-nelson backbreaker. Sheamus hits another pump kick to end it clean at 22:55.

• A tremendous match that hopefully just reinforces the obvious now. DB is the new Flair or new HBK and has the best broomstick in wrestling right now. The best part of this match was Sheamus laying around and DB chaperoning him through some arm psychology for about 15 minutes. I’ll credit Sheamus and point out that he at least tried to put over the beating DB gave him inbetween falls despite the seeming blatant disregard for doing so during the match itself. Also, the kickout after the first pump kick made the match for me because it elevated Dragon to the level of getting to kick out of a face finisher. My leading contender for WWE Match of the Year right now. ****1/2

• Meanwhile, Santino and Khali are backstage making fun of the jobbers that are going to be fed to Ryback.

• Two-on-One Handicap Match: Aaron Relic and Jay Hatton vs. Ryback. The crowd boos the locals before they even get the stick. One of them cuts a promo saying that no man should be able to beat two men. TWO IS GREATHER THAN ONE! Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize he’s in Triple H’s company where one main eventer can definitely squash two nobodies or even somebodies if he’s particularly wanting to puff himself up that week. I miss the days of Ricky Morton taking Ric Flair to the limit. Only ROH similarly seemed to believe in treating full-time tag wrestlers as credible singles wrestlers and challengers (while still keeping the tag team together). Cue the Goldberg chants as Ryback no sells everything and boots the first one down and chokes him around. Ryback with a powerslam and then points to his head as if to indicate that he outsmarted the poor fellow with the higher education-level powerslam. Scott Steiner would be proud. Ryback finishes the first with a backpack chinbreaker and the second with a pseudo musclebuster at 1:50. DUD.

• Matt Striker wants a word with CM Punk. Striker says that Jericho has “besmirched” the name of Punk’s family and wants to know what Punk thinks. I don’t know about Punk but Regal enjoyed the vocabulary there. Punk says tonight is special because of the Chicago Street Fight but thinks Jericho has taken his eye off the ball to try and get in Punk’s head. Punk says it hasn’t worked and he exorcises his “genetic demons” of addiction by getting in the ring everyday because his only addiction is working out. Punk says the only one waking up with a hangover will be Jericho from being put to sleep.

• Chicago Street Fight for the WWE Championship: Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk (c). This was set up by a challenge over who was the real best in the world shifting into Jericho trolling Punk’s over his family’s substance abuse problems. This led to such riveting TV as Punk pretending to be drunk and then retaining the belt via walking a straight line and saying the alphabet backwards correctly (almost). The same thing basically happened in that classic feud where Flair flanked by 20 women accused Steamboat of doing the dishes with the missus but then Steamboat one-upped Flair by pretending to get marriage counseling. Awesomely, the pre-match video package is brought to us by Jericholics Anonymous. BOTTOMS UP PUNK! Cole with a nice segue says that Jericho “hasn’t been able to get the taste out of his mouth for months” after losing the RR and his attempts to gain the WWE strap. We get a close-up of Punk’s sister in the front row thus assuring her involvement and a number of gratuitous cutaways. Raucous CM Punk chants since we’re in Chicago.

• They slug it out to start and Punk wins that with a series of forearms and then just boots Jericho to the floor. Punk shitcans him over the barricade and then starts rearranging the furniture by throwing some chairs in the ring. Back in, Punk breaks out the Singapore cane and waffles Jericho a couple times as the crowd chants for ECW. Punk goes for the baseball swing but Jericho takes a breather. Jericho tries to cut him off at the pass but Punk dropkicks him down and waffles him again with the cane. We have the first cutaway to Punk’s sister as Jericho senses the production crew getting bored and tremendously says THE HELL WITH THIS and tries to beg for mercy behind the ref’s back. Jericho is such a method heel that it’s a shame he’s not more appreciated and respected as one of the last true artists to pay his dues in the pre-Tough Enough, pre-WCW power plant, pre-WWE monopoly days. Jericho then uses the ref as a distraction to poke Punk in the eyes. Awesome, only a true bastard would use the ref and try to hide some chicanery in a street fight. Jericho waffles Punk with the cane now as Book declares him the new “dirtiest player in the game.” Jericho with the springboard dropkick and poses to boos. Jericho throws Punk into the barricade and Punk takes it like a man by leaping over the top and eating it to the floor in the front row. They jockey for position and Jericho headbutts Punk. Back in, Jericho removes the pad on the top turnbuckle and tries to rub Punk’s face in it. Punk with some chops and goes for the step-up knee in the corner but Jericho slides out of the way and Punk dumps out. On the floor, Jericho tries tearing apart the barricade near Punk’s sister and then taunts her by crossfacing Punk and berating both of them. Jericho is all I USED TO FUCK GUYS LIKE YOUR BROTHER IN PRISON! Being no fan of anal rap, Punk’s sister smacks Jericho and that allows Punk to take over. Punk loses his mind tearing apart the announce table and slamming Jericho through the awning and snapping it in half. Punk preps a powerbomb through the SAT but Jericho counters with a backdrop. Jericho waffles Punk with the monitor and then smashes the half awning across Punk’s back. Jericho covers for the first pinfall attempt of the match for a 2 count. Jericho goes to the chinlock as the crowd chants for Punk. Punk counters out with a back suplex called a side suplex by Cole. Punk tries flying off the top but Jericho catches him napping by waffling him with the cane about a dozen times. Jericho then talks trash and eyes his sister again. Punk with a small package for 1, 2, only 2. Jericho with a step-up enzuigiri to take back over for another 2 count. Jericho goes looking under the ring for his trusty brewskis which would explain some of the mystery GM’s questionable booking choices over the months. HERE’S TO YA, PUNK!

• Jericho pours some beer on Punk and boots him around. Jericho: “YOU PIECE OF TRASH!” Punk no sells Miller Time and waffles Jericho with the cane and then hits a leg lariat with the cane. Punk with the swinging neckbreaker and the step up knee in the corner. Punk with the bulldog. Rather than go for the G2S, he first low blows Jericho with the cane and then calls for the finisher. Jericho slides out but Punk counters the WoJ as well. Punk with a snap powerslam for 1, 2, only 2. Punk heads up top but Jericho crotches him. Jericho wants a superplex but Punk headbutts him off. Punk with the Macho elbow. He covers for 1, 2, 2.7. Crowd chants for Randy Savage in a nice moment. Jericho again counters out of the G2S and hits a bulldog of his own. Jericho wants the Lionsault but Punk gets him on his shoulders in a nice counter and then transitions to a G2S attempt. Jericho AGAIN slides out and shitcans Punk into a chair wedged between the turnbuckles. Jericho with a school boy and a handful of dungarees for 1, 2, 2.99. More slimy cheating from Jericho. Jericho hits the “partial Codebreaker” according to Lawler. Jericho like a boss now locks in the traditional LIONTAMER and then deep seats it. Punk struggles, almost taps, and then FINALLY grabs the ropes. But in an awesome moment that got everyone in the building including me, Cole informs us that’s meaningless because it’s a street fight and ANYTHING GOES! NO ROPE BREAKS! Punk scrambles under the ring from the apron using only his arms and comes up with a fire extinguisher. Crowd chants for Punk as he waffles Jericho with the C02 and the can itself. Punk hits the DR FG enzuigiri and Jericho collapses onto the SAT perfectly setting up a Macho elbow off the top THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! And the fine Spanish announcers lose yet another table. Big chants for Punk. Back in, Punk covers for the academic 1, 2, THREEOHNOHEALMOSTGOT’IM! Punk transitions into the Anaconda Vice. Jericho is now the one scrambling and he comes up with the cane and BLASTS Punk across the face. YES! Nice callback to Punk doing the same with the fire extinguisher. Jericho goes for another waffle but Punk cuts him off with a chairshot. Jericho recovers with a Codebreaker ON THE CHAIR! Cover gets 1, 2, 2.9999. Jericho mocks the crowd’s taunt and then tells them to shove it. Jericho: “WHAT IS IT?!” Since he has two finishers stored, Jericho goes for the ultimate insult and wants the steal Punk’s G2S. Punk hits R1 at just the right time and counters by catapulting Jericho into the exposed turnbuckle. Nice payoff on that. Punk with the G2S and covers for the 1, 2, 3 to retain at 25:13.

• It took me a few viewings but this match has grown on me more and more each time, especially Jericho’s storytelling and the perfectly set-up and timed weapon grabs out of the submissions. ****

• Meanwhile, Eve is stalking around the back and runs into Beth Phoenix and the Bellas. Eve tells Beth that she isn’t medically cleared to compete. Instead, the Bellas have a surprise opponent. IT’S KHARMA! No, it’s not as they worked the sheets again. Instead, it’s…

• WWE Diva’s Championship: Layla vs. Nikki Bella (c). Layla is face here. She starts with a sloppy La Magistral for 2. She kicks Nikka back into the corner. Layla heads up top but Brie knocks her off on the SURGICALLYREPAIREDKNEE. Nikki goes to the spinning toe hold but Layla rolls her up for 2. They slug it out until Nikki drives Layla into the corner. Layla comes back with a clothesline and the crowd is dead. Layla with a crossbody but it’s broken up by Brie. Layla boots her off the apron and rolls up Nikki for another 2 count. Layla with a dropkick on Nikka but the Bellas pull the doublemint twins gimmick. Brie showing she’s not the brains or the brawn of the operation eats a neckbreaker and promptly gets pinned at 2:30. Everyone involved has had worse and better matches but this at least had a cohesive story and goal for its duration. *

• Striker runs down Johnny Ace in the back. He wants to know what all the scuttlebutt was earlier between he and Trips on the phone. Ace says it’s none of his business and all will be made clear on RAW. LONG LIVE PEOPLE POWER!

• Extreme Rules Match: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena. This all started the night after WM 28 where Lesnar returned to fill Rock’s void and F5ed Cena in his re-debut and kicked his hat into the dirt. Lesnar was brought in by Ace to “bring some legitimacy” to the WWE. Then WWE showed an awesome promo about 50 times that had kids everywhere including my friend’s son asking, “Dad, why is Brock Lesnar an ass-kicker and not an entertainer?” Because he causes other pro wrestlers to piss their pants and then forces them to carry his bags and gets his own Jimmy John’s-themed gear and a special title credit in the RAW intro. Meanwhile, John Cena was doubting himself after losing to Rock, Tensai, AND getting beat up by Lesnar. At the 11th hour, Edge dropped in and told Cena, in no uncertain terms, to WAKE UP. Cena responded by embracing his ground ‘n pound, thuganomics, Mean Street Posse roots and prepared for war with the MasterLock chain. Storyline-wise, Bling Bling Buchanan should have been the messenger from Cena’s past to remind him about his petty larceny character history, but not enough starpower.

• Cena charges in and Brock with a quick TD and some STIFF elbows to the face. Cena is already busted open and Lesnar BRINGS THE PAIN with a LESNAR-LINE. Cena tries a takedown but Brock counters and goes back to the GnP. Cena is TOAST and Charles Robinson calls for a break so the doctor can check on Cena’s hardway cut. Lesnar laughs at his carnage and points to his elbow for the denizens in the crowd. This is perfect already and while the doctor stoppage is so weak traditionally in wrestling, it works here because it reinforces Lesnar’s legitimacy angle and makes Cena seem like paper mache in comparison who needs doctors and refs to protect him. Cena charges again showing he’s not too bright and again Lesnar goes back to the GnP and pounds him into a pulp. Lesnar with a brutal knee and kicks Cena’s carcass to the floor. This is surreal considering how protected Cena is year-round and how stiff this is compared to most of what you see on WWE TV. Cena recovers and sneaks Lesnar and goes for the FU, but Lesnar easily reverses to a German suplex and one more. Cena fights back with forearms and then flies into Lesnar and they bump the ref. Cena tries another shoulderblock but Lesnar no sells and bulldozes him down. Crowd starts in with the LESNAR’S GOING TO KILL YOU chants. Lesnar with a few hammerfists and repeats his blood wipe gimmick from a decade earlier. Lesnar hooks in the Kimura and then just throws Cena into the turnbuckle. Most of this is fairly standard beatdown territory, but it just looks and feels real/legit in a way that only Vader could approach in his prime. Lesnar throws Cena to the floor and then casually smashes him into the barricade. Lesnar now steals Cena’s MasterLock chain and then reconsiders and tosses the chain away figuring that he doesn’t need it. Instead, Lesnar handcuffs Cena’s legs and ties him up with the chain. Lesnar with another devastating LESNAR-LINE and then hooks Cena in a Tree of Woe using the chain. Cena now legit looks like he’s hanging at the whims of a madman. This is incredible.

• Lesnar just randomly picks a bodypart and decides to attack the arm some more. Cole wants them to bring out the “meatwagon” for Cena. Cena tries no-selling death but Lesnar again shrugs off his stuff and heaves Cena like a discus into the steel stairs. Lesnar has decided he’s had enough fun and picks up Charles Robinson with one hand and carries him back into the ring. Lesnar: “Get your ass up.” Cena reaches for the chain and again Lesnar catches him with his hand in the cookie jar and tosses it away and wants to teach Cena a lesson. Cena goes for a desparation FU but Lesnar counters to the F555555! Unfortunately, Charles eats another bump and wipes out. Another ref comes out and counts 1, 2, only 2. Lesnar then shitcans him and starts destroying ringside. Other refs come out to try and contain the madman but Cole nicely puts over how Lesnar will not be fined for attacking refs. Book: “If I was an official, I’D STAY THE HELL OUTTA HERE!” Lesnar totes the stairs into the ring and then stands on them like a Viking king taking pleasure at his spree of violence over his new dominion. Cena tries fighting back and Lesnar applies the Kimura. Cena no sells and Hulks up and spinebusts Lesnar down on the stairs. Cena gets out to the apron and heads up top. Cena wants the top rope Fame-asser but Lesnar moves and Cena comes up dry. Lesnar recovers first and starts mocking Cena. Lesnar with a head of steam and pole vaults off the stairs INTO Cena and HOLY SHIT! He clips the top rope and both bomb out to the floor though we can’t see the impact. Lesnar is immediately clutching his knee and I fear the worst while watching this the first time when it happened. Luckily, Brock’s a Neanderthal and no sells a torn ACL. Lesnar Hulks up and seems even more energized at not ending his own career on the botch. Most normal humans would be scared at almost dying but in Lesnar’s mind it reinforces his near-invincibility. ANYWAY, back in, and I could be crazy, but it damn sure looks like they repeat the spot except with Cena cutting off Lesnar with a chainshot to get it right this time. Maybe Lesnar overshot the landing; maybe Cena missed his cue; who knows. Now, the Passion of the Cena is reignited and he Cenas up. He gets Lesnar up and hits the FU on the stairs. NONONONONO! The ref recovers to count 1, 2, 3 at 17:43.

• The finish has been discussed and dissected ad naseum and I could add in my 2 million cents or 2000 words but I’ll just say that I think the WWE landscape would have been infinitely more interesting with Lesnar still undefeated and Cena on a losing streak going into June. Now, come August, rather than having feuds over contract disputes and imaginary insults about someone’s children, Lesnar would be riding high, gloating about how he destroyed the WWE’s top dog and fears no one they have left to offer. FWIW, I’d still have Cena get his win back down the road, but not in the first match.

• Outside of the booking and the colossal botch, this is a perfect match. After all the video package hype and heraldry surrounding the signing, I wasn’t sure if Lesnar would be able to back it up – if he still had “it.” But they (he and the WWE) came through in spades. They allowed the match layout to be Lesnar pulverizing Cena like no one else ever for 20 solid minutes. For my money, this might be the best comeback match ever after a years-long layoff, other than HBK-Triple H.

• And to his credit, Cena himself was game to be made to look inferior physically in every way for the majority of the match. Comparatively in big matches against monster heels, Hogan made Vader and Giant both look like shit and the matches sucked and Hogan won, so be glad that Cena is giving in a way that Hogan wasn’t at times in his career as the top babyface.

• However, the most ripe comparison for me is Cena-Umaga at NYR 2007. Umaga is built up as a monster and dominates the match. Cena gets a fluke win via roll-up that still keeps Umaga strong. Unfortunately, the conclusion to that story is that Cena also wins the gimmick rematch at RR in relatively strong fashion. So for those of you hoping for a rematch where Lesnar wins, I wouldn’t count on it.

• I take back what I said about Sheamus/Dragon. This is my WWE Match of the Year, even with the ending, botch on the collision, and questionable booking. ****3/4

The 411: Let's face it: while there's a lot of complaining that can be done about the direction of the company (and I've done plenty of it), it's hard to find fault with the in-ring product on WWE PPVs in 2012. Both this PPV and WM 28 had THREE ****+ matches. During certain years, we were lucky to get one above ***. Easy thumbs up and contender for PPV of the year.
Final Score:  8.5   [ Very Good ]