The Cult Of Personality Heat Report 12.01.07

The one thing I usually dislike about writing columns for 411 is having to come up with some kind of witty banter to put up here before I actually get to the subject matter. I really don’t know what to say here except that I feel like crap, I’ve got a headache and a sore throat, my apartment must be about 20 below, and I didn’tget a good night’s sleep. On top of all that, this week’s episode is looking to be sucktastic, so let’s get it over with and hope that Haas and London can save it.

Paul London vs Charlie Haas

Charlie Haas has new entrance music and has apparently raided AJ Styles’ closet. Lillian is still announcing him as one half of the World’s Greatest Tag Team. Lockup and Haas backs Londond to the corner and talks trash until London shoves him out of the corner. Another lockup and London takes a side headlock. Haas backs him to the corner again, but London turns him around…and a clean break. Haas is looking way too smug for a guy who just hit the Jobber Trail. London goes to the side headlock takeover, Haas back to his feet and shoves London off into the ropes. London slides between the ropes and gets another, much uglier, side headlock takeover. London runs up the corner and comes off with the flying headlock takeover. Haas gets out with a belly to back suplex, but sits around recovering too long and London gets a headscissors. Haas works his way out and goes to a headlock, but London reverses to a front facelock. Haas picks him up and dumps him on the apron and tries a cheapshot, but London returns fire, but he misses the Mushroom Stomp, but still catches Haas with the headlock. Haas takes him to the corner again and now he’s pissed because he goes to the midsection with a knee and a stomp. Haas whips him across the ring, but London leapfrogs him and goes back to the headlock. Haas sends him off to the ropes again and London slides through the legs, but Haas takes him down with a shoulderblock, stops short of another leapfrog, and nails London. Haas talks shit to him, but London comes back with a series of kicks and whips Haas across the ring for the Austin Aries corner dropkick. Haas punches him in the face and stomps on the hand, then goes to a headlock. Haas whips London into the ropes, but London reverses a hiptoss to a hiptoss of his own ,then gets a couple of armdrags and a leg lariat sends Haas to the outside. London catches Haas coming back in the ring with a slingshot dropkick, Haas reverses a corner whip but eats elbow on the charge. London comes off the ropes with a crossbody, but Haas catches him with a sick armbar, but doesn’t get the submission. Haas sits there with London in an armbar and London tries to fight out, but Haas catches him with a hammerlock slam for two. Haas pounds away and goes back to the armbar. I guess he’s been watching Ole Anderson tapes because he’s really cranking on that arm. London tries to fight his way out, but Haas sends him shoulderfirst into the top turnbuckle and then does it again before hitting a single arm DDT for two. Back to the armbar for about eight years before turning it into a top wristlock. London tries to fight out again, but Haas gets a legdrop to the arm and goes to a really nasty, over the shoulder armbar and turns it to a wristlock. Coach says he is running out of adjectives for the match, and it’s probably because Haas has been using one move for the last ten minutes. Finally London escapes by Hotshotting Haas on the top rope and then starts the comeback with an inverted atomic drop and a flying headscissors. London with a series of running forearms to the head and a dropkick, then gets a nasty running shooting star press for two. Haas reverses a whip, but London gets a boot to the head, Haas tries a German Suplex, but London lands on his feet and gets a victory roll for a very close two. Haas tries a corner charge, but London catches him with a headscissors and tries a slingshot move, but slips and falls off the top rope, and Haas just covers him for the three count. That was a weird ending, though I don’t know if it was a legit injury or not. Anyway, Haas is now 1-0 as a singles guy.

Winner: Charlie Haas

They spend a couple of minutes after the match showing the trainers checking out London’s shoulder. If this was a real show I’d think they’d be doing some kind of injury angle, but this is Heat, so London will probably be back next week as good as new.

Commercial: Go buy stuff at WWESHOP.COM!!

Carlito vs Christian York

Christian York, for those who don’t know, was Joey “Mercury” Matthews’ longtime tag partner on the indy scene, but I thought he got out of the business years ago. Guess I was wrong. Lockup to start, Carlito takes him to the corner and they exchange shoves before Carlito gets a kick to the gut and pounds away on York. Carlito goes nuts beating the shit out of York, but York gets a kick off the ropes and ducks a clothesline, but Carlito catches him with an elbow coming off to the ropes and they go to the outside. Carlito slams him facefirst into the apron and sends him back into the ring where he gets a springboard dropkick for two. Neck vice by Carlito and York tries to fight out, but Carlito gets a snapping neckbreaker, then a slam and legdrop and then sits there looking mean. Carlito whips York to the corner, but eats elbow on the charge. York whips Carlito into the corner and gets the Austin Aries dropkick and the Dan Maff cannonball for two. York goes for a shoulderbreaker, but Carlito slips out and gets the lungblower for three. I guess it’s back to the beach for Christian York.

Winner: Carlito

Commercial for the Monday Night Raw 15 Year Special. I hope it doesn’t suck as much as the ten year show did.

Jillian vs Maria

This is our main event? There’s like four minutes left in the show, so at least it’ll be short. Maria’s song sucks, by the way. Maria does the “look at my butt” entrance into the ring with three minutes left in the show. Jillian takes a wristlock and yanks Maria down, but Maria kicks back to her feet and reverses to a wristlock of her own. Maria ducks a clothesline and gets a flying headscissors. Jillian goes for a backdrop, but Maria fucks up the counter so Jillian gets a side backbreaker for one. Jillian with the catfight head slam as Coach calls her a very accomplished in ring performer. Yeah. Jillian shows those skills by yanking Maria across the ring by her hair and kicking her. They trade forearms before Jillian takes her down with another hair yank and goes to a surfboard. Maria gets to her feet, so Jillian kicks her in the gut, but Maria blocks a shot into the corner turnbuckle and rams Jillian in instead. Jillian no-sells it, so Maria comes back with a couple of clotheslines and gets what I think was supposed to be a monkey flip. Maria gets the Bronco Buster in the corner for two and goes for a bulldog, but Jillian reverses to a…thing where Jillian gets a full nelson, picks her up, and almost slams her facefirst on the mat, except that Maria put her knees down and kind of blocked the move. Anyway, the Botched Spot is good enough for three, and good enough for me.

Winner: Jillian

Except for the surprise appearance of Christian York, really boring episode this week. Time to get outta here. But before I do, don’t forget to listen to Larry’s latest podcast…RIGHT HERE:

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