The ECW on Sci-Fi Breakdown – 08.15.06

ECW on Sci-Fi by J.D. Dunn August 15, 2006 Live from Washington, D.C.. Your hosts are Joey Styles and Taz. Paul Heyman opens the show with his charge, The Big Show. Unfortunately, Kurt Angle tore his groin, so Heyman removes him from tonight’s match for his own protection. Mick Foley comes out to refute Ric Flair’s claim that he was a nobody until he was thrown off the cage. He says he fully expects to be mutilated at Summerslam, but he’ll still be able to look at himself in the mirror on Monday morning. He welcomes his guests, Kelly Kelly and Melina. I can only say that Melina looks very, very good. What’s the point, you ask? Well, Foley wants to have a Three-Way Dance. This would be kind of hot if we didn’t have to look at Mick in his sweats doing the Charleston. Thankfully, Ric Flair runs down and breaks it up. BALLSHOT! Foley gets whipped over the ringsteps, and Ric STRANGLES HIM WITH HIS BELT! Yeah, Heyman’s booking tonight. Flair tells some kid in the audience to kiss his ass and then tells Foley that he *will* say, “I Quit.” In order to promote his marketability, Shannon Moore stands in the corner like the guy from “The Blair Witch Project.” He tells us to question authority or something. Hey, the guy with the Mohawk and eye make up is giving me advice. Better listen. CM Punk vs. Justin Credible. Justin gets a little interview insert to say that his loss to Punk was a fluke. Credible slaps him in the face, so Punk goes straight-edge on his ass and busts out the Facewash! Credible catches him coming off the top with a gutbuster and then works his ribs with an abdominal stretch. Justin plants him with a sloppy Tornado DDT for two. Punk finally gets tired of selling and hits a wicked Shining Wizard-style knee in the corner and then knocks Justin silly with a Roundhouse Kick. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That leads to the Anaconda Vice for the win at 2:43. *1/4 Rob Van Dam reminisces about his last ladder match — the Money in the Bank match at WrestleMania. A very extreme-looking Rene Dupree proclaims to be the most hardcore wrestler to step into an ECW ring. Well, if it’s gay porn maybe. I’m guessing that’s where they’re going. Test & Mike Knox (w/Kelly) vs. The FBI. Where’s Trinity? Wasn’t she with the FBI before? Guido fires away at Knox but gets caught with a swinging backbreaker. Test tags in and gives Guido a pair of backbreakers and a side slam. Mamaluke gets the hot tag, but Test boots Guido in the face and finishes Mamaluke with the TesTKO at 2:09. Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman run down and chase the heels off. Now get us some ECW Tag Titles. This is the only brand with a decent tag feud going. 1/4* Sabu delivers one of the most non-descript promos you’ll ever see. “First, I’m going to beat RVD in the ladder match, and then I’m going to beat the Big Show for the ECW Title.” And then he’s going to Oregon, and Washington, and California, HEEYAHHHHHHH! Kurt Angle interrupts a Heyman/Show strategy meeting with EXTREME OLYMPIC VIOLENCE~! The cops have to drag him off. #1 Contender’s Ladder Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu. Back and forth stuff to start until Van Dam cuts off a springboard with his own springboard sidekick. That looked awkward, but it was a good idea. Sabu crotches Van Dam on the top and tries to springboard off the chair. Van Dam crotches him and tries to leap to the contract from the top rope. He has about as much luck as George Costanza trying to reach Jerry’s awning. Sabu makes him pay with a springboard clothesline that sends Van Dam over the top. Sabu gets a ladder from under the ring, but Van Dam pescados onto him for a car wreck spot as we go to break. This is already better than any free TV match in the last month. We come back to Van Dam hitting the spinning legdrop off the apron. Back in, Van Dam picks up the ladder, but Sabu dropkicks his knee out from under him, causing him to plant his face on the ladder. Sabu then one-ups himself with an Arabian Facebuster to Van Dam on the ladder. Sick. Sabut goes up, but Van Dam tips him over. Sabu tries a Triple Jump Moonault involving the ladder, but the ladder flips over. Well, honestly, it was stupid to even try that one. Sabu goes facefirst into the ladder and avoids a monkeflip, but Van Dam monkeyflips the ladder into Sabu’s face. Ha ha! Sabu avoids Rolling Thunder and hits the Triple Jump Moonsault with the chair. Van Dam avoids the Atomic Arabian Facebuster, and Sabu nearly breaks his own tailbone. FIVE STAR FROGSPLASH! Sabu rolls out of the ring (Joey explains out of instinct to avoid getting pinned, but pinfalls don’t count in this match. Nice psychology there). Van Dam goes up the ladder, but The Big Show runs in and slams him through a table. Show calls for the contract to be lowered to him so no one else can get it. Sabu goes up and tries to come off with a huracanrana (zuh?). Show holds him up and staggers around long enough for Sabu to capture the contract for the win at 14:45. Show chokeslams both men after the match. I don’t have a problem with the sloppiness because it actually added to the match, and this was shaping up to be a classic before the mind-numbingly stupid finish. Why couldn’t they have just had Show do the run in after the match? Do they think they have to protect Van Dam that much? ***1/2 Final Thoughts: See, *this* is more like it. Even the Knox/Test versus Dreamer/Sandman “We’re WWE-style so we suck and can’t wrestle vs. we’re ECW and we suck and can’t wrestle but at least we give some effort” feud is growing on me. Almost overnight, this brand has gone from the weakest in the WWE to the most interesting.