The Feminine Complex: Rock Rose V Nancy

The Feminine Complex

Tape Review Number Three

Rock Rose v Nancy

Joan Wise Video – Mid 90s

(A videotape odyssey)

(With a little help from an anonymous pirate)

(That’s a pirate video maker)

(Not Captain Pugwash)

My name is Claire Flynn Boyle. Welcome to the Feminine Complex. It’s funny

how the summer fades, even though the season never changed.

First of all I would like to direct a big shout out to the Australian

public. Let’s set a scenario. You’ve got a reality TV show. It’s big. You’ve

got to vote someone off the show. Do you vote off a) a boring, slightly

pudgy virgin who does nothing? b) A psychopathic hysterical girl who cries

all the time? c) The one having sex and doing interesting things? If you

said c can you explain why? I don’t get it. Maybe the world is moving at too

fast a pace.

I’d also like to thank those of you who have written to me. I think my

e-mail is shagged up though so if you don’t get a reply, that’s why. In

answer to one question Mellow Yellow is a drink, similar to Solo (i.e.

Lemon) and not a drug. Certainly all the drugs from my local area are pretty

consistent in quality from the 80s. I think the same people sell them at the

same swing park. Should you ever be in town, I’ll give you a map. Just say

no kids. You’ll end up in a flannel shirt, prostrate on a kid’s roundabout,

telling passers by that Bardot splitting up was a terrible thing.

Regular readers (both of you) of the Feminine Complex would know this

columns constant struggle to avoid reviewing the obvious videotapes in the

wrestling canon. I mean is there a new way to review WrestleMania X? What do

you say? Bret v Owen and the ladder match rocked, the rest sucked?

REVELATIONS! I thought the match of the night was Blayze v Kai. So with that

in mind I went to my local video store, the one with Debbie Gibson LIVE!

next to Elvis in the music section. My local video store has the following

sections in order from left to right, backing on to a window…Computer Games,

Horror, Violent Horror (?), TV Classics, Anime, Animation, Children’s

Classics, Porn. Across from this is wrestling and sport. It’s a strange

video shop. A midget (not Tazz) works there and she stands right in front of

you when you try and look at the new releases. I’m sure she was in Freaks.

It also backs on to a karaoke bar (I swear this is all true) and at night

you can hear people belting out “Without You” by Girlfriend. They’ve also

been painting it for three years. The colours seem to change all the time,

from puce to beige to sky blue. I swear it’s like the Crayola fun factory in

there some days. It also sells several products of confectionary that no one

else does. It’s the last place in the whole state that I can get Cherry Coke

in.

So anyway I was hanging by the wrestling section with one hand on GRUNT the

Wrestling movie, and one hand on GLOW when my eye was drawn to a generic

electric blue video cover, one with a thick black border and the immortal

words WOMENS WRESTLING typed on in a sort of mid 90s kind of like the band

blur would use when they had the small letter in their name font. Best of

all the video box didn’t have a bar code so the midget had to kind of stick

one on. I think I was the very first person to ever get this video out. I

don’t know if anyone just put it there or what was going on. It was all very

strange. They couldn’t even work out how long I should take the video out

for. I love my local video shop.

I opened the video up the next day, after my trip to Optus Oval to see

Melbourne flog West Coast, and the joys continued. Someone had handwritten

the video sticker with an orange texta. The sticker simply said JOAN WISE

VIDEO: ROSE V NANCY. Well it did say that before the guy put a line through

that and wrote JOAN WISE VIDEO: ROCK ROSE V NANCY. Then in purple texta the

same guy had written wrestling in small letters. If you were the person who

went to all the trouble to put a pirate womens wrestling video in my local

video shop, I want to give you a hug. If you were the person who started a

pirate copy of a female wrestling video with your own home made anti piracy

warning and then let it find your way into my local video shop I want your

children. Yes folks someone went to the trouble of making an anti piracy

warning in a jagged golden font that was bright enough to make everyone

think some graffiti artists from the mid 80s had wandered in from the making

of a Malcolm McLaren video to do a bit of artistry.

There then follows a full two minutes, thirteen seconds of literally

nothing. Not nothing like a Shakira album, but nothing at all. Just black

fuzzy static. Then just as nothing ever seems likely to happen the pirates

remember to hit the record button and we cut to a suburban bedroom with bare

walls, a cane wicker Chinese symbol, nondescript sheets and still more

Chinese cane wicker symbols. It suddenly and jarringly occurs to me that

someone with a delicate sense of irony has put this video in the wrestling

section. Well they put Spiceworld in the comedy section so I guess it’s a

video shop with a well-developed sense of irony.

Let’s spell this tape out for everyone reading at home. Rose is an idiot

savant cousin of 70s B movie legend Chesty Morgan. For those of you who

don’t know the work of Chesty she starred in one or two movies in the 1970s

that basically involved her using her breasts to kill people. Rose is

similarly built. She’s basically a fat gal in underpants. Like Alicia

Silverstone. Nancy is one of those girls you call beautiful on the back of

the video box (presuming you don’t rent pirate videos) but she isn’t

remarkable by any means. I’m sure a glittering career of low budget movies

with Billy Zane awaited her, until she fell in with the nude video crowd. So

the two of them are sitting around in the suburban room with the kitsch

dйcor from the Jackie Chan collection when it becomes clear that Rose is

dating Nancy’s dad and a catfight is set to ensue! Nancy doesn’t want Rose

to date her dad and so a catfight is set to ensue! Now the really strange

thing about this tape is being a pirate video, there are times when the

soundtrack of immortal conversation (see below) drops out and the guy who

made the pirate had substituted his own chika-chika-wow-wow Shaft type of

overdubbed porn music. It’s fun to make your own soundtrack when this

happens. The Benny Hill theme perhaps, or Without You by Girlfriend.

So the match begins, and Rose is very quickly in control. It hasn’t taken me

long to figure out this is a squash wrestling/fetish video in which a fat

girl squashes a thin girl. I don’t get guys. Can anything be a fetish to you

people? The tape lurches from clear quality to sort of Channel 9 showing

football into Sydney quality (ie. Non-existent. God I hope at least one

Australian reads this column. Most of my jokes are lost on people). Now

remember that immortal dialogue I promised? Well most of the tape revolves

around no doubt one hundred percent realistic dialogue like this.

Rose: How do you like that bitch?

Nancy: Get off me you fat bitch!

Rose: Come on bitch, you know you love it!

Yep, that’s how I talk to people I’m fighting. Australian fights wouldn’t

last this long. Someone called Shazza would be saying some slag started it

and spitting. It’s actually superior dialogue to 90% of the Scorpion King.

So this video ploughs on at a pace. Rose gives Nancy a big old wedgie and

probably abuses her by calling her a bitch, at least I presume so because

the guy decides is time to put in some more Shaft-esque funky bits. Who’s

the sex machine who gives all the girls a wedgie? Rose? Damn right. Sorry,

Isaac Hayes, what a guy. There’s basically no rhyme or reason to this tape.

The poor editing quality reduces it to a whole bunch of random clips. So

this is from my notes (I made notes!) and I hope it helps should you ever be

in my video shop.

8:03 pm: Tape begins with aforementioned Lost Cities of Gold piracy warning.

Nothing happens. I place a dime on Debbie Gibson’s sound (obscure reference

to Electric Youth).

8:06 pm: Tape begins after fears that I had broken my video. Shots of Jackie

Chan or Mr Miyagi style dйcor. Bedroom setting established. Porn warning

afoot. I lose the dime I’ve placed on Debbie Gibson’s sound.

8:07 pm: First appearance of Chesty/Rose, Nancy and the chika-chika-wow-wow

porn overdub. First appearance of skateboarding next door neighbour. Dog

begins to bark really loudly. Rose and Nancy begin arguing about Rose dating

Nancy’s dad. Tape blacks out. Tape comes back on. Nancy is getting a wedgie.

First appearance of realistic girls really talk like that dialogue. Nancy

looks genuinely pained. First thoughts of actual concern for Nancy’s well

being.

8:11 pm: First actual wrestling move. A full nelson. Nancy again appears

genuinely pained. Rose seems genuinely scary. Both girls are topless.

8:13 pm: Both girls now have bras on again. In the background of the tape,

someone pushes a record button. You can hear the click. Rose is now sitting

on Nancy’s face. It’s the stinkface! Nancy again appears genuinely pained. I

don’t blame her. First thoughts of how the hell did Nancy get this job pass

through my brain.

Interviewer: So Nancy, you are beautiful.

Nancy: But of course!

Interviewer: Did you once work with Billy Zane?

Nancy: Yes, I was in the Phantom!

Interviewer: How would you feel about having a fat girl sit on your face and

give you a wedgie?

Nancy: Great! Sign me up!

8:14 pm: Pizza delivery boy decides I’m a pervert.

8:15 pm: Pizza delivery boy offers opinions on the tape. He asks where I got

it.

8:17 pm: PULP! PULP! Yes the pirate guy has decided to play some Pulp music

over the tape. Rose is now topless again and has Nancy smothered in her

cleavage, a move she learnt from Frank Gotch in the Sudan. Pizza delivery

boy leaves. Skating next-door neighbour runs in to a parked car and possibly

breaks his ankle.

8:22 Rose is now digging her nails in Nancy’s breasts. It looks painful. I’m

guessing no one wants to be a wrestling jobber on career day do they?

Realistic dialogue goes on a pace. The squeals are a little too realistic.

It’s like when Alicia Silverstone has to act Clueless. It’s just too

realistic.

8:26 First appearance of a spanking. Spanking violently cuts to a shot of

Nancy in a body scissors, then back to the spanking, then violent edit into

a hair pull. The tape is now actively disintegrating. It’s making really

strange chewing noises. My skateboarding next-door neighbour is still in

pain.

8:31 The tape self repairs itself for the final few minutes. Rose basically

makes Nancy cry and say she’ll leave the happy couple alone. Tape ends…no

wait…A CARTOON COMES ON! Yes folks like a hidden track on a video, we end a

wrestling tape with some weird Chuck Jones gear. It’s the only way it could

end really.

So what did I end up with? A strange video from an obscure wrestling company

in which a fat girl sat on a small girl and then a cartoon came on. I’m very

well aware it’s a pirate video and I’m sure that a proper version of the

tape exists, but this is almost Dali-esque in it’s surreal quality. One

minute it’s a respectable wrestling domination video, the next it’s lurching

around to some soul music while the tape dies. I know I’m taking tape review

to a ludicrous extreme by reviewing a highly individualistic singular

videotape but everyone should see this. As for ending with a cartoon, I

salute you sir. Someone has proved themselves in the fine art of weird film

making, so if you are the person who deposited this cut and paste

masterpiece, come forth and claim your glory. You livened up a very dull

evening.

Oh and my neighbour broke three bones in his ankle. And the pizza delivery

boy and I are very happy. He’s bringing round his 300-pound sister to

re-create the magic of this video we watched together.

Should that ever end up on a suburban video shelf, I’ll be sure to review it

just for you all.

Totally recommended, especially if you are drunk, stoned or just plain mental.