The RAWtopsy 05.02.05

Haven’t checked my E-mail yet, so no feedback section this week.

Fun with Prophecy:

We all know that Nostradamus correctly predicted Hister’s Hitler’s rise to power and the 9/11 attacks.*

But did you also know that he correctly and accurately predicted the Matt Hardy/Lita/Edge affair.

Check out quatrains 2, 3, 4 of “Centuries.”

2
The wand in the hand is placed in the middle of the tripod's legs.
With water he sprinkles both the hem of his garment and his foot.
A voice, fear: he trembles in his robes.
Divine splendor; the God sits nearby.

3
When the litters are overturned by the whirlwind
and faces are covered by cloaks,
the new republic will be troubled by its people.
At this time the reds and the whites will rule wrongly.

4
In the world there will be made a king
who will have little peace and a short life.
At this time the ship of the Papacy will be lost,
governed to its greatest detriment.

“The wand in the hand” is obvious enough. Now, if a woman were to lace her fingers together and bend over and touch the floor, she would assume the form of a “tripod.” So, to place the wand in the middle of the tripod’s legs becomes a pretty clear indicator of what happened.

“With water he sprinkles both the hem of his garment and his foot.” Golden showers, natch.

“He trembles in his robes” is an obvious reference to the guilt Edge was feeling and the fact that Marriott offers plush amenities such as bathrobes. “Divine splendor” = great sex. “The God sits nearby.” Hmmm…Amy Dumas is very fond of animals. “God” probably refers to one of her dogs. (Nostradamus often did stuff like rearranging words like that).

That would also explain “the litters being overturned by a whirlwind.” They had such great sex that they knocked over a litter of puppies. Either that or Hurricane joined in for a threesome. “And faces are covered by cloaks.” Hey, maybe it was Hurricane!

“The new republic will be troubled by its people.” The rank-and-file of the WWE are upset about Matt’s release. Either that or the staff writers for “The New Republic” are upset about the 2004 elections.

“At this time the reds and the whites will rule wrongly.” Bad news for Batista (who has a reddish tone to his skin) and Cena (who could not be whiter).

“In the world there will be made a king.” Hey, Edge was king of the ring! “Who will have little peace and a short life.” Edge got himself a little piece and had a short married life.

“At this time the ship of the Papacy will be lost.” And the pope just died. Spooky how accurate this guy was.

There you have it. Incontrovertible proof that Michel de Nostradame not only foresaw the future, but foresaw things that most people don’t give a shit about. Now, that’s talent.

* – (Through the body of a grad student writing a paper debunking Nostradamus. Take that, grad school! Nostradamus wins in the end. Ha ha! Quatrain Gooched!)

WWE Raw — 5/2/05

Live from Boston, Mass.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Batista taunts Eric Bischoff with the prospects of taking him on in a match tonight. Instead, he opts to take Christy Hemme out for a little “how’s your father.” Tonight, we start a Gold Rush tournament to determine the new #1 contender.

Gold Rush Tournament: Christian (w/Tyson Tomko) vs. Kane (w/Lita).

Kane overpowers Christian to start. They head to the outside where Christian trips Kane into the ringsteps to take control. Christian counters the chokeslam to a sleeper! WORKRATE~! Well, maybe not, but it was cool. Tomko cuts off Kane’s Flying Clothesline. Kane shoves Christian into Tomko and finishes with the chokeslam. Tomko tries to attack, but Kane beats him back and knocks him out with the chokeslam. *

Christian stumbles to the back where he runs into Ric Flair. Flair busts a mad rhyme about Triple H winning the tournament.

Muhammed Hassan and Davairi to complain about being excluded from the Gold Rush tournament. He blames Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan,. Oh, and one more person who needs to be accountable. RUN DAVAIRI, RUN! Hassan turns on him and says Davairi blew it. See, I knew it once Davairi stood there and nodded like an idiot. Hassan blames him for the loss and slaps him around. I guess Davairi is headed to Smackdown and the CW division? Either that or they’re starting a new Dibiase/Virgil abuse angle.

Recap of Viscera squashing the silicone right out of Trish’s dirty pillows.

Viscera comes out to sate his appetite with a little spicy Latina like Lillian Garcia. Simon Dean comes out and says that women don’t want fat guys like Vis. YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT HIM THAT WAY! HE DRIVES A TRISH STRATUS!!!

Viscera vs. Simon Dean.

Big Vis gets pissed. He avalanches Dean in the tree-of-woe. Dean goes up, but Vis just shoves him down on his head. Ouch! That was pretty funny, though. Vis finishes with a splash. Vis tells Lillian he’s back on the market — the black market. Oh, I get it…because it should be illegal for him to have sex. Ha ha! Black market. 1/2*

Candace Michelle congratulates Stacy Kiebler on her Stuff Magazine cover.

Triple H complains to Bisch about the tournament. He thinks he should be champion, but the refs screwed him. Careful. Look what happened to Jeff Van Gundy. Bisch tells him to shut up and prove it in the ring.

Maria congratulates Shelton Benjamin on being in the Gold Rush tournament and asks if he’s nervous. Chris Jericho interrupts to give him respect. They wish each other luck in the tournament. Ah, it’s just like Riggs and Murtaugh.

Gold Rush Tournament: Shelton Benjamin vs. Shawn Michaels.

This has possibilities. Lots of amateur wrestling to start, which Shelton dominates. Crowd is solidly behind Michaels despite his heeling it up. Michaels surprises him with a side rolling cradle for two. Shelton clotheslines them both to the floor as we go to commercial. We come back to Shelton countering a super backdrop suplex by shifting his weight and landing on Shawn. Shawn starts to battle back, but Shelton cuts that off with a Samoan Drop. Shelton gets two off his 3/4-Nelson backbreaker. Shawn hits the flying forearm and kips up. But Shelton kips up too! They run through the sunset flip series that finished Jericho last night. Michaels ends that with a chop. Shelton gets the Stinger Splash, but Michaels counters the T-Bone with a backdrop. Sweet Chin Music! NO! Shelton ducks and goes for his own kick. Shawn catches his foot, but Shelton hits the leg whip. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Shelton puts Michaels on the top rope, but Shawn shoves him off and delivers the elbow drop! He’s tuning up the band! SWEET CHIN–NO! Shelton catches it and kicks Shawn Muay Thai-like in the face. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Shelton bounds to the top rope and delivers a flying cross chop to Michaels’ head. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Michaels tosses Shelton to the apron to catch a breather. Shelton measures him and springboards towards him. Shawn sees him coming! SWEET CHIN MUSIC IN MIDAIR! ONE, TWO, THREE! Shelton’s offense looked incredibly awesome here with Shawn bouncing all around the ring to sell it. The ending made perfect sense too as Shawn is the veteran who outsmarted the impetuous youth. Maybe Shelton’s best singles match to date. ****

Todd Grisham asks the same question I was thinking. Why would Edge enter the Gold Rush when he already has a guaranteed title shot? Edge explains in his usual low-key manner. Does this man’s teeth ever part during a promo? He spies Victoria and Lita gossiping off to the side and menaces them. I think that’s the first time that Edge & Lita have been onscreen together since the story broke.

World Tag Titles: Rosey & Hurricane vs. La Resistance.

Rosey squashes Grenier early, but La Res low-bridges the ropes, spilling him to the outside. They bust out the Hart Attack Clothesline. Rosey fights back and makes the tag to Hurricane. Hurricane brings back the top rope rana, and the champs finish with a sideslam/Eye of the Hurricane doubleteam maneuver. 3/4*

Smackdown Breakdown is Eddy turning on Rey Rey.

Gold Rush Tournament: Edge vs. Chris Jericho.

Winner evidently meets Shawn Michaels. Edge uses a handful of hair to win an overhand wristlock battle, so Jericho slaps him right in the face. Jericho tries to springboard off the second rope, but Edge shoves him over the ropes. Back in, Edge gets two off a backbreaker. He mocks Jericho’s splash against the ropes, but Jericho gives him a hotshot to turn things around. He gets two off a huracanrana. An enzuigiri gets two more. The sleeper drop gets the third consecutive nearfall. Edge counters the bulldog to a big boot and grabs the briefcase. Jericho dropkicks him off the apron, though, and pescados out onto him. Back in, Edge avoids a missile dropkick and gets two off his chinlock drop. Jericho turns him over in the Walls, but Edge pulls himself out of the ring. Jericho goes after him, so Edge blasts him with the briefcase. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Jericho kicks out, but it only buys a little time as Edge finishes with the spear a few moments later. **3/4

They make a big deal about not knowing who Triple H will face. Well, there’s only one logical World Title contender left — Chris Benoit. Of course, they pointed out that it was the Rock’s birthday, so maybe he’ll make a surprise appearance for old time’s sake. My third choice is…uh, Ric Flair.

Chris Masters is out for the usual. There are quite a few signs in the audience from people wanting to try the Masterlock challenge. Maybe it is working. Of course, on guy looked like he was wearing a Spongebob T-shirt, so I don’t know how serious any of these challengers would be. Tonight, he’s upping the reward to $4,000, a Curt Schilling jersey, and a Tom Brady autographed football. Some Boston guy tries it, but has no luck, so Masters gives him a Dave Schilling jersey and Greg Brady autographed football — the one he hit Marcia in the nose with. Hey, you know who Masters looks like? A roided up Jay Mohr!

Gold Rush Tournament: Triple H vs. Chris Benoit.

Benoit chops Triple H’s nipple off. He goes for the Sharpshooter, but Hunter makes the ropes. Benoit yanks him back in. Triple H reverses a corner whip and nails Benoit with a clothesline to the back of the head. Benoit falls to the outside with a glazed look. We come back to Triple H dominating. JR makes a big deal about the concussion, so Benoit may have inherited Orton’s angle from a few months ago. Benoit chops his way back but gets caught in a sleeper. Benoit rams him into the turnbuckle to counter. Triple H goes for the Pedigree, but Benoit counters to the Rolling Germans. Benoit goes up for the headbutt and hits! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Flair jumps on the apron, so Benoit pulls him in and chops away. The ref tries to pull him off, so Triple H jumps him from behind, bumping the ref. Flair and Hunter doubleteam Benoit, but here comes Batista! He destroys both guys and gives Hunter a spinebuster. Benoit recovers and slaps on the Sharpshooter. Triple H reaches for the bottom rope, but Batista pulls it away. Triple H has no choice but to tap out. Benoit moves on! Batista taunts Hunter as we go off the air. I was expecting someone to overturn it, but apparently it will stick. ***1/4

Final Thoughts: Oddly enough, this Raw had a greater sense of urgency and importance than last night’s PPV, and the wrestling was almost as good. It’s sad when Raw does the exact same tournament angle as Smackdown and can put on main event caliber matches in the first round while Smackdown eliminates its two most talented wrestlers (and only its two most talented). Very good start to the march toward the next PPV.

J.D. Dunn