The RAWtopsy 05.15.06

WWE Raw — 05.15.06

Live from Texas Tech.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

WWE Heavyweight Title & Intercontinental Title Handicap Texas Tornado Tag Match’o’rama: John Cena & Rob Van Dam vs. Triple H, Chris Masters & Shelton Benjamin.
This was supposed to be Cena vs. Triple H, but Vince McMahon comes out and changes the match beforehand. I guess if Van Dam or Cena are pinned, they lose their title. Lots of brawling, of course, because there are no tags required. Van Dam hits a rolling plancha as we go to our first break. When we come back, we get Cena (w/WHITE ARMBANDS!) taking a spinebuster from Triple H. Shelton hits a legwhip, sending Cena into the crowd. The heels isolate Van Dam and give him a working over. Of course, they all start arguing over who gets the pin and the title. Actually, Hunter should be bringing up the point that the IC Title is beneath him and he wants to get Cena in there. Van Dam makes his comeback, but HHH cuts off the Five-Star Frogsplash. Cena finally recovers and cleans house, putting Benjamin in the STFU. Masters breaks it up but takes the Five-Star Frogsplash. HHH waits for Cena to take Masters out with the FU and then Pedigrees him. He rolls Cena over…oh, but Shelton is covering Van Dam. The ref counts Van Dam down, giving Shelton the IC Title at 12:57! Sucks to be Triple H. He Pedigrees the ref and storms off. THAT’S AGAINST THE MANLAWS! **1/4

Trish Stratus comes out to address Mickie James. She wants a piece of Mickie, and she doesn’t even care about the title. Someone in the audience has a sign that says “Mickie James is bipolar.” I’m not sure that’s quite the right diagnosis. Dr. Drew Pinsky, what do you say?

Dr. Drew: Well, bipolar is a possibility, but it’s more likely that she has a persistent mania brought on by childhood trauma. I’m hearing a lot of sexual abuse in her voice. It’s really important that she get this treated. There are a number of anti-psychotics that can help with this, and she needs a lot of long-term therapy. Plus, I think she has a butthole the size of a mason jar.

Thanks, Drew. Beth Phoenix runs in and spears Mickie. Apparently, Mickie ruined her life. But we won’t find out why for several weeks.

In the locker room, Hunter is throwing a tantrum when Shane McMahon comes in. “Hey big guy, need some cheerin’ up? Wanna bang my sister again?” Actually, Shane just wants to cash in a favor. He wants Hunter to “take care of” Shawn Michaels tonight. “Take care of?” **points finger gun to head**. Nah, man. He just wants him to take him out to dinner and show him a good time. You know, like keeping an eye on you best friend’s wife. Just make sure he doesn’t get lonely.

You know, sometimes I can go on until I annoy even myself.

Wait. “The Dead Zone” is still on? Wait. Anthony Michael Hall is still alive?

WWE Tag Team Titles: Johnny & Nickey vs. Golddust & Snitsky.
Hopefully, we get the Johnnykick tonight. Snitsky overpowers Johnny early. The SS doesn’t have much luck early as Goldie dominates Nickey too. Mitch trips him up from the outside, giving the SS the advantage. They work in the tried-and-true spot where Goldie powers out of a front facelock, but Mikey pulls Snitsky off the apron so there’s no one there to tag. Goldie comes back with a powerslam. HOT TAG TO SNITSKY! Big Gene cleans house on the SS, but Mikey springboards in from the outside and bulldogs Snitsky. He pulls Nickey on top for the win at 7:43. Average match, really cool ending. All tag matches should involve a trampoline. **

Mick Foley comes out to explain his actions and to give us the whereabouts of Aunt Bea’s huckleberry pie. My God, Mick. You’re on TV, do some squat thrusts or lose a few layers of clothing. Anyway, even he can’t believe what he did. He apologizes but without explanation. And since he can’t apologize to Tommy Dreamer in person, he brings out Terry Funk. Mick says he will never let a couple of second-rate hacks tarnish a WWE ring with their below-par hardcore wrestling. Huh? More on that in a bit. Anyway, Funk says Mick is like a son to him, and he knows he’s better than how he acted last week. Mick says if Funk loves him so much why did he refuse to show up when they honored Foley in 2003. The answer: money. Mick says that when the Funker dies, they won’t have to pay him to show up. He’ll cash in his Frequent-Flyer points to show up in west Texas and spit on Terry’s grave. That forces Terry to reenact their old ECW routine where Funk insults Foley’s wife and kids. Foley no-sells until Funk insults the WWE. Funk and Foley do what can politely be called brawling until Edge and Lita show up to turn the tide and leave the Funker laying. Okay, what in the hell was Foley talking about? Think about this in kayfabe terms for a second. No one outside of Styles and Van Dam have mentioned ECW. So Foley attacked a longtime friend (who he invited) and joined with an archenemy on the off chance that someone might bring back ECW based on Styles and Van Dam’s comments? Not that I care or anything, because I think bringing back ECW is an okay enough idea, but this seems like another one of those cases where they did something and then tried to go back and think up an explanation. In fact, the whole onscreen ECW revival has been like buying a poker so you have a justification for building a fireplace. Other than that, this was awesome.

Matt Striker vs. Eugene.
Eugene wears a big-ass cowboy hat to the ring. Striker hits the Facewash early. He makes the mistake of slamming Eugene’s head into the buckle. Eugene comes back with an Airplane Spin and goes for the Stunner. Striker shoves him away but falls victim to the big boot and legdrop. It only gets two. Striker counters the Rock Bottom to a reverse neckbreaker drop on his own knee. That picks up the win at 2:49. 1/4*

Maria stands by with Carlito. She wants to know why he hates Eugene. He says interfering in his matches isn’t cool. Talk turns to his new T-shirt with the slogan “Do you spit or swallow?” Poor Maria doesn’t get it. Of course she swallows…when she eats an apple.

Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Something Wellman
Estrada accidentally gets the crowd to boo local boy when he calls him the toughest guy in Texas. Umaga just brutalizes the local kid, slamming him to the ground by his neck! Back in, buttalanche, the headwash, press Samoan Spike, and it’s over at 2:01. If his opponent is willing to kill himself, Umaga can be entertaining. 1/2*

In the back, the Spirit Squad shows how much they appreciate Shane-O-Mac.

Kenny (w/Triple H) vs. Shawn Michaels.
Shane McMahon is your special referee. I know I must seem hypercritical of the WWE tonight, but if Vince and Shane want Triple H there to make sure Shawn Michaels gets “taken out,” why did they ban the Spirit Squad from ringside? It’s a pretty ham-handed way to wedge Hunter and Shawn in there together. Shawn knocks Kenny out of the ring and chases after Shane. Shawn and Hunter give each other the stinkeye, and Shawn goes up top. Shane breaks up the picture-perfect elbow and gives Kenny his belt. Kenny chokes Shawn with the belt as Shane directs traffic. Shawn comes back with the usual and whips Shane with the belt. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Shane slips back in and spears Shawn. Shane actually busts out the Kobashibreakers BECAUSE HE’S FEELIN’ IT TONIGHT, BABY! Shane holds Shawn up and demands that Hunter hit him with the sledgehammer. Well, this can’t be good. Of course, Shawn ducks, and Hunter winds up taking out Shane. Vince runs down to check on his boy as Hunter grabs the sledge and skulks off. Vince goes WAY over the top, cradling Shane’s head and wailing. **

Final Thoughts: This was one of those shows that can be highly entertaining as long as you can stab your brain with a Q-tip long enough not to think, “Hey, wait a minute…” I really like Triple H’s face turn, but I kind of wish it would just happen already. The Foley/Funk stuff was great, like a real argument where people talk over one another, not “I talk/you talk.” The second hour slagged a bit with a couple of jobber matches, though.

J.D. Dunn