wrestling / TV Reports

The Smackdown Breakdown 08.26.04

August 26, 2004 | Posted by J.D. Dunn


Coach: For a long time it gave me nightmares… witnessing an injustice like that… it’s a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be… I can still hear them taunting him…”silly rabbit, tricks are for kids”… I mean, WHY COULDN’T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL?

• WWE Smackdown — 8/26/04

• From Fresno, Cali.

• Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

• Eddy Guerrero is out first (sans low-rider) as Cole laments Angle’s actions as if he’d drowned a newborn kitten. Eddy calls out Kurt but gets Susan Powter instead…oh, that’s Luther Reigns. Angle calls Eddy out to the parking lot and then runs. Angle tells him to do whatever he wants to him but leave the car alone. Eddy, of course, trashes the car, letting Angle escape. The car turns out to be Teddy Long’s. We know this because Long repeats it three times, very…slowly. Security escorts Eddy away from the arena.

• WWE Slam of the Week is Suzuki blindsiding RVD. I’m sure if Gorilla Monsoon were still around he’d call it a “Pearl Harbor Job.”

• Rob Van Dam vs. Kenzo Suzuki (w/Hiroko). Suzuki gives a pro-U.S. promo to get heel heat, because only WHITE people can love this country! RVD jumps Suzuki early but takes a shoulderblock. Suzuki: WHO IS THE MASTAH?! SHO’NUFF! Suzuki kills time with an abdominal stretch, but RVD gets a kick to his face. RVD nails him with a flying thrust kick for two. SPLIT-LEG MOONSAULT! ONE, TWO, THR–NOOO!!! RVD goes up for the Five Star Frogsplash, but Rene Dupree interferes. Suzuki tries to capitalize, but RVD rolls him up for the win. Well, that was kind of silly. Why didn’t they put over Suzuki? Ð…* Dupree and Suzuki doubleteam RVD after the match. I’ll go ahead and predict that they are your next WWE Tag Team Champions, which shows you just how thin the ranks really are.

• Long mourns the loss of his car. Bradshaw pulls up and threatens to sue Teddy Long. Long says that Bradshaw must defend the WWE Title tonight. JBL says he’s injured (and ribs Long in an insider way). Long declares that Orlando Jordan must defend on JBL’s behalf.

• Smack of the Night, not to be confused with Slam of the Week, is Chavo and Noble conspiring to defeat Kidman and London.

• Chavo Guerrero (w/Jamie Noble) vs. Billy Kidman (w/Paul London). Kidman snapmares out of a hammerlock and delivers a huracanrana. Chavo pushes him to the corner and turns the tide. Kidman goes to the apron and comes back in with a headscissors takeover. Chavo targets Billy’s shoulder, but Kidman armdrags out of it. Kidman delivers a pair of clotheslines for two, but Chavo comes back with an armbar DDT. Kidman backflips out of a backdrop suplex, but can’t do the BK Bomb because of the shoulder. He settles for a dropkick. Kidman goes for the SSP, but Noble crotches him. London takes out Noble, so Kidman is able to hit a sloppy Chavo-Killer SSP for the win. *

• Carlito Caribbean promo. He talks about how cool he is and spits in the face of an old man. Well, it worked for Randy Orton. I guess this could be counted as the third time they ripped off Scarface, if you include Eddy’s shirt.

• Long confronts Kurt Angle and reminds us that “THIS CAR BELONGS TO LONG!” Next week, it’s Angle vs. Eddy 2/3 Falls. Tonight, in this very ring, it’s Angle vs. Rey Mysterio. He makes Luther clean up the shattered remains of the car…WHICH BELONGS TO TEDDY LONG!

• Match #2 (Best of Five): John Cena vs. Booker T Cena leads 1-0, in case you forgot. I think there’s a guy named Dave in the audience. HI, DAVE! HI, DAVE! HEY, DAVE…hi. Oooh, there’s an Alex too. HI, ALEX! Cena gets a schoolboy early, but Booker goes all Mesozoic on his ass. A vertical suplex gets two. Cena gets two off a hiptoss slam. Booker rakes the eyes to get out of an armbar. The jumping thrust kick gets two, and Booker chinlocks him. Cena hits a pair of shoulderblocks, but Booker avoids a third one and tosses Cena out of the ring. Booker delivers a missile dropkick. ONE, TWO, THR–NOOO!! Booker gets two more with a spin kick. A second one misses, but he catches Cena with a third attempt off the ropes. ONE, TWO, THR–NOOO!! Back to the chinlock. It segues to a surfboard, but Cena powers out of it. Booker catches him with a spinebuster into a jackknife for two. Back to the chinlock. Good God, bring on the Diva Search. Something, ANYTHING! Cena elbows out and delivers a flying shoulderblock. Cena elbows out of the bookend and delivers a bulldog. “You can’t see me!” FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Booker slides out of the FU, though. Booker backslides him and puts his feet on the ropes for the win. This match was even worse than their Summerslam match. Ñ•* I have no idea what’s going on with these two. Even in their worst matches, you saw some semblance of effort. Here there was nothing.

• Josh Matthews interviews Paul Heyman…for about two seconds. Heyman takes over and introduces his new charge. His name…is HEIDENREICH! Looks like Brigitte Nielsen and Fit Finlay had a kid. Heyman says Heidenreich will destroy anyone who gets in his way. Matthews questions whether or not Heidenreich can live up to the hype. Heidenreich decides to give a little demonstration on Josh. To his credit, Matthews bumps around like quite the enthusiastic little bumpy go-bot to get the new guy over. Heidenreich finishes Matthews with the shinni no make. HI, ALEX!

• Big Show is returning…

• …to SMACKDOWN!

• Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio These guys tore it up at Summerslam ’02 and Smackdown a few weeks later. Hopefully, this can be a showsaver. Rey tries to stay with him on the mat, but that’s kind of stupid. Kurt dominates the early portion of the match but takes an armdrag. Rey taunts him. Angle takes him down in a double leg. He tries again, but Mysterio counters to a backdrop. Angle counters a headlock to a backdrop suplex. Rey headscissors him to the floor and delivers a sliding dropkick. Angle starts to dominate when we come back from commercial. He delivers a belly-to-belly and locks in a bearhug. HI, JEFF! Rey punches out of the bearhug, but Kurt delivers the 270° German Suplex. Rey counters the Angleslam to an armdrag. Rey gets two off a split-leg moonsault. He counters a Fireman’s Carry to a dropkick for two more. Rey flusters Kurt with a tilt-o-whirl headscissors. Angle charges but gets hung up for the 619. Angle dodges, but gets wheelbarrowed right back in the same position. Rey hits the 619, but Angle counters the springboard rana to a stacked powerbomb for two. Thought that would be it. Rey counters another Angleslam attempt to a Reverse DDT for a close two. Angle goes for the Super German Suplex, but Rey elbows out of it. Rey goes for the Victory Roll, but Angle counters and puts Rey’s shoulders down for three. Not as good as their earlier work, but still the Match of the Night. ***ј

• The Smackdown Throwback (not to be confused with the Smack of the Night or the Slam of the Week) is Governor Schwarzenegger costing Triple H a match.

• Raw Rebound is Orton spitting in Triple H’s face and the Wedding from BY GAWD Hell. I’m walking on air… you know… this is a sensation which is… forget it. When I became a dentist, I thought I was happy, but this…

• Orlando promises that he’ll do his best to retain the title but admits that he sucks. JBL does his best to give Orlando a pep talk. Orlando says he’d be more confident if he could take the title with him.

• WWE Heavyweight Title: Orlando Jordan vs. The Undertaker. Jordan channels Toshiaki Kawada with his tights. If he could just do that in the ring, Undertaker would be a dead man…oh wait. Buzz Sawyer lost the North American title on behalf of Dick Slater, for those who might ask the same question Michael Cole is. Taker delivers some soup bones to start, but Jordan delivers a reverse elbow. Jordan actually looks really good for about 15 seconds. He gets a hiptoss and a pair of armdrags. Of course, Taker no-sells and hits the Old School clubbing blow. Taker delivers the Clothesline from Hell, but JBL breaks up the cover. Jordan knocks Taker out of the ring and slams him into the barrier. Jordan stays on top of him with some rather pedestrian offense. Taker comes back with a Snake Eyes and a big boot. Taker goes out after JBL, enabling Jordan to attack him from behind. Back inside, Jordan delivers the Reverse Russian Leg Sweep for two. Taker does the Zombie Sit Up and delivers a pair of clotheslines. JBL gets on the apron and takes a soupbone for his trouble. Taker chokeslams Jordan and is about to finish him after a Tombstone, but JBL pulls the referee out of the ring, drawing the DQ. Of course, the title doesn’t change hands on a DQ, so JBL is safe…for now. Good effort here, even if Taker wasn’t particularly interested in selling. I know…what else is new. ** After the match, Taker rips off JBL’s protective collar and chokeslams him.

Final Thoughts: God-awful first hour, pretty good second hour. Despite all the criticisms, JBL has busted his ass to get better as champion while net-hero John Cena seems disinterested at a time when he should be making a name for himself. Of course, JBL still sucks, but it’s the thought that counts. Overall, still a pretty bad show. It just feels like they aren’t going anywhere with any of this (especially when compared to Raw).

J.D. Dunn

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J.D. Dunn

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