The SmarK Retro Repost – Heat Wave 1999

– Live from Dayton, OH.

– Your hosts are Joey Styles and Cyrus.

– Once again, we’re back (for the last time) at the fine Jox Sports Bar here in Edmonton, but ECW makes it long awaited debut on Viewer’s Choice Canada in September so we can watch it in peace without having to deal with stupid, bitchy waitresses who don’t know the fucking meaning of CUSTOMER SERVICE. Not that I’m bitter or anything, but we made sure to give the tip to the other waitress.

– The pre-game has one of the funniest bits I’ve seen in a long time, as Corino plays straight-man to Taz. I’m paraphrasing here:

Corino: “You’re just afraid of being choked out by me!”

Taz: “The only thing you’re capable of choking is Jack Victory’s tiny [bleep]!”

Corino: “Oh, yeah, real good, why don’t you just keep cursing to get over with his stupid Queens crowd?”

Taz: “Fine, I’m gonna [minute-long bleep]”

Too funny.

– We open with a series of Pulp Fiction interviews. May I just say to Taz: I have, like 10 towels I don’t use, I’d be happy to give you a new one. Most of them follow the Netcop Formula ™: Motivation, Intent, Hype. Glad to see SOMEONE in the biz is paying attention.

– Opening match: Danny Doring & Roadkill v. Nova & Chris Chetti. It’s just not hip to make chicken-fucker jokes about Roadkill now that it’s part of the gimmick. Doring gets an overly long mic session before the match, proposing to the ho he brings with him. She says yes, so he uses a condom as a ring. Nice to see romanticism is still alive and well in ECW. Nova has the Greatest American Hero symbol on his tights. I don’t know if makes him a bigger geek for doing that, or me for knowing that. Doring and Roadkill dominate Nova with some decent stuff at a good pace. They’re kind of a new age Hart Foundation — Doring has the tights, Roadkill has the beard. Chetti gets the hot tag and a brawl erupts. Great move from Nova as he Stone Cold stuns Roadkill at the same time as he DDTs Doring. Chetti hits his double-jump moonsault…and then stops to live la vida loca. Okay, that’s just stupid. Nova (now the serious one of the team…) smacks some sense into him and they finish it with their double legdrop thing on Roadkill for the pin. Not bad. **1/2

– Jason v. Jazz. Was this REALLY necessary? I’d rather see that Corino kid wrestle, personally. Jason basically squashes Jazz (as in using only basic moves), but Jazz finds a chair and hits him in the nuts. Jason tries to powerbomb her on it, but she does a sort-of Kidman reversal for the pin. Waste of five minutes. *

– Little Guido v. Super Crazy. Stall-a-rama to start. Nice move as Crazy springboards off the top rope and caught on the way down with a waji…wakij…uh, armbar. Wow, Guido the submissions specialist. Who’d have thunk it? Crazy powerbombs Guido out of the corner and dumps him over the top, and they wander into the crowd. I *wish* they wouldn’t do that. Crazy hits a contrived moonsault off the railing onto both guys. Back to the ring we go, and *another* contrived spot as Crazy sets Guido up in a position for which the ONLY possible move is to get kicked in the face on the way down from the top rope. And indeed that’s what happened. Big Sal beats on Crazy, giving Guido a few two counts. Sal gets a fat-asser on Crazy, giving Guido another two. Crazy comes back and messes up the triple moonsault. Guido gets the Tomikaze for two. Crazy comes back with a weak straightjacket powerbomb for the pin. Good but too many blown spots. I’m liking Guido now that the other idiots in the FBI are gone. ***

– ECW World tag title match: The DUD-Ley Boyz v. Spike Dudley & Ballz Mahoney. We just saw this at the last PPV, no? Is the tag team situation so weak that Ballz and Spike are considered a driving force? Loooooooooooong gab session from the champs (about 15 minutes) as Buh-Buh essentially insults everyone in the audience, nearly starts a riot in the front row, and everyone else gets their catchphrases off. It’s time to reel this crap in, Paul E. The less said about this “match”, the better. A weak brawl as everyone blades quickly, we fight into the crowd (the old “I have your hair so you have to walk with me” type of fighting) and Spike does a balcony dive, which we can’t see the results of due to shitty camera work. A cheese grater gets involved (hey, guys, what if some sick fuck infected that with something first?) They all walk back to the ring, the DUDs powerbomb both faces and go for 3D, but the faces come back with a small package and a cradle to reverse for the pin(s) and the titles. Hey, a cheap ending to go with the crappy wrestling, that’s great. Absolute junk, even by the admittedly low standards set by both teams. 1/4* The Dudleys then set up two (not one, but TWO) flaming tables, nearly kill Ballz trying to put him through one (and MISSING IT) and then put Spike through the other. So now everyone stands around waiting for a cue, and New Jack finally runs in with a “Not Guilty” sign and a shopping cart full of goodies to clean house. Yay. Why not just use him in the damn match next time?

– Tommy Dreamer comes out for more time-filler. Paul E. REALLY needs to sign some more talent, if only to flesh out an entire three hour show for once. He runs down the other two companies’ PPVs (one of which had a buyrate roughly 6 times what this one will get), and announces the TNN deal. Crowd boos Canada. Yeah, FUCK YOU TOO, Dayton. Tommy looks ready to announce his retirement (he’s crying, you see) when Corino and his crew come out to interrupt. He pulls a Bob Ryder and ruins Tommy’s announcement by making it himself, in a VERY long speech, and then demanding that Tommy lay down and put him over. Tommy tells him off and a fight breaks out, with Tommy handing him off to Francine for a Bronobuster and DDT for the pin. Must be ladies’ night or something. Tajiri attacks, Taz makes the save, and we segue into…

– ECW World title match: Taz v. Yoshihiro Tajiri. Can’t say as it held my attention too closely. I like the Mutoh look that Tajiri is going with these days, though. Tajiri kicks a bunch, Taz comes back with suplexes, and then it gets weird as they fight on the ramp. Taz takes out Corino’s group of thugs, then suplexes Tajiri through a table. Then he chases Corino back to the dressing room and when he emerges Joey starts yelling at the camera to go wide because whatever is happening will get them kicked off PPV. Taz appears to choke Tajiri out with something, but I can’t see what exactly it is. Taz retains. Weird ending. *1/2

– Lance Storm & Justin Credible v. Jerry Lynn & Rob Van Dam. What is with the babyface act from Van Dam? Faces control with some nice stuff to start before Lynn gets cheapshotted into the Ricky Morton role. Good series of pinfall reversals from he and Storm. Cyrus gets a shot at Jericho in. He works well with Joey. Justin does his Scott Hall inpersonation, doing a Razor’s Edge for two. Pretty dull match thus far. Really overblown flippity-floppity chair spot from Van Dam, and Storm gets tossed out and legdropped on the railing by Van Dam. A-Brawling we will go. The usual ECW chaos results, and when things settle down it’s Storm and RVD in the ring again. Totally ridiculous bit as Credible oversells a corner whip and ends up on the floor, where Fonzie puts him on a table…and he lays there forever. Van Dam sets up a chair for the DROP TOEHOLD OF DOOM (which looks terrible), and wouldn’t you know the ring is now set up for a Sabu run-in, as he jumps onto the chair and puts Credible through the table. Would’ve looked better if it hadn’t taken 5 minutes to set up. RVD accidentally frog splashes Lynn, but recovers with a VanDaminator, leading into a Lynn piledriver for the pin. Solid tag match, but not really a main event. ***

– Sabu, RVD and Lynn all turn on each other after the match, setting up a three-way, I’d imagine.

The Bottom Line: There was almost an HOUR of interviews and promos, by my count, which is ridiculous. Other than that, a better than average ECW show, if a totally unremarkable one. It lacked the killer match-stealing show from last year, but then ECW is lacking Tanaka and Awesome right now anyway.

Thumbs up, but I doubt people will be able to remember the card two months from now.