The SmarKdown Rant – June 6 2002

The SmarKdown Rant – June 6 2002

– Well, the fine people at Random House were kind enough to send me an advance copy of Shaun Assael’s “Sex Lies and Headlocks”, so expect a review fairly soon. Looks like an interesting read, to say the least. Shaun certainly doesn’t appear to be pulling ANY punches on the issues.

– Taped from OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma City.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Everyone on the roster joins us in the ring, and Vince announces that a battle royale will determine the #1 contender to Undertaker, which is weird because I could have SWORN that HHH challenged him last week and he already accepted. It’s the usual mess of punching and kicking. Order of elimination: Godfather, Farooq, D-Von, Kidman, Val, Christian, Orton, Snow, Storm, Chavo, Hurricane, Morrus, Albert. Angle uses his wits to get Henry to eliminate himself, and of course HHH lays him out immediately after Angle puts 3 guys in a row out. Bob Holly tosses Angle, only to get tossed in turn by Test. So we’ve got Test, Jericho, Hogan and HHH. Hogan fights off the Canadians, but both get tossed, leaving HHH & Hogan. You know why no one is jumping all over themselves to congratulate HHH for putting Test over last week? Because this was the only appearance Test made on the show, which means that it was a totally useless job, much like D-Von’s big win over HHH was completely ignored the next week, too. Anyway, he do the big stall before Hogan misses the big boot and both guys tumble out at 8:18 ala Rumble 94. Amazingly, there’s 3 camera angles from the far side of the ring, but no one was shooting the side of the ring where they both went out. No winner is declared, which is the answer to the eternal question “How hard is it to screw up a battle royale?” I don’t rate battle royales, but this was throwaway junk anyway.

– We return, and Vince announces that HHH will meet Hogan in the main event to determine the #1 contender. The rating for that is gonna be VERY interesting.

– Elsewhere, Angle is all upset because Bob Holly robbed him. It’s apparently “Screw Kurt Angle Month”. Hmm, that’s not marked anywhere on my Divas calendar, but I’ll take his word for it. Bob gets all in his face and we’re on tonight. This is such a waste of Angle.

– Elsewhere, things are not rosy in camp Chuckabilly.

– Tag title match: Rikishi & Rico The Gladiator v. The Midnight Ass Rockers. This is apparently an elimination tag match. Rico starts with Chuck and quickly taps to a wristlock, as the WWF does their part to get submission wrestling over. That’s one hell of a wristlock – he should give Pride a try. No, not THAT kind of pride. Billy & Chuck work Rikishi over, but he fights them off and hits Cheeks of Fire on Chuck. Billy stops the Stinkface, but falls victim to a Bubba Cutter at 1:55. Chuck hammers away, but Rico pulls off a turnbuckle and Rikishi gets run into it for two. Rikishi fights off the challengers, but in a shocking swerve, Rico turns on him and Chuck finishes with the Jungle Kick at 4:01 to regain the tag titles. This storyline is truly two weeks of my life I’ll never get back again. DUD I mean, first of all, there’s no actual POINT to it – Vince appoints Rico as Rikishi’s partner and they win the titles, they win a rematch, and then lose them back to the same guys when Rico costs him the match. I mean, it’s not even IRONIC or anything – Rico’s been trying to screw Rikishi over since day one. Second, the matches were uniformly horrible due to the ridiculous Idiot Plot leap of faith required for Rico to win two matches against his will. Either make the tag titles floaters like the big belt, or find some new teams to challenge.

– Elsewhere, Hurricane finds another note, about a witch.

– Elsewhere, Hurricane then finds Nidia in his dressing room. Yes, it’s yet ANOTHER patented Stephanie McMahon Love Triangle angle. Nidia gives the most absurdly unbelieveable reading of the line “It was the best sex of your life” that I’ve ever heard, and introduces her “boyfriend” Jamie Knoble with all the passion of a porno actress. Knoble then attacks Hurricane while shrieking like Brian Christopher on a sugar high. SO BAD. I mean, seriously, a month of buildup for this mess? Is there something fundamentally wrong with Knoble running out and beating the crap out of Hurricane because he JUSTS WANTS THE DAMN TITLE? Do we have to go through the faзade of pretending like they actually care about Nidia’s role in the company, too?

– KOTR Qualifier: Christian v. Val Venis. Christian attacks, but gets hotshotted. DDT gets two for Val, and he hammers away. Christian sends him to the corner and dropkicks him for two. Backbreaker gets two. Val come back with clotheslines, and the seaman’s suplex gets two. Spinebuster sets up the reverse figure-four, but Christian makes the ropes. He comes back with an inverted DDT for two. Unprettier is reversed to the Blue Thunder bomb for the pin at 3:23. Usual Jakked fodder. * And seriously, who gives a crap about Val Venis anymore? The guy was old news in 1999 and they haven’t even changed his character or attempted to give us any reason to care about him aside from being “Edge’s friend”. Hey, you know would work even better as Edge’s friend? Christian! Shit like this is what really bugs me sometimes.

– Elsewhere, Vince meets Linda & Jackie, from Tough Enough. Ivory reems them out, so Vince makes a match for Velocity. Hold me back.

– Kurt Angle v. Bob Holly. Angle walks into a dropkick, and Holly pounds away. Hotshot gets two. Angle suplexes him and gets a clothesline for two. German suplex kills Holly dead, and he grabs a sleeper, but Holly reverses. Angle quickly suplexes out. He charges and hits the post, however. Holly comes back with a powerslam for two. He goes up, but the Pop-Up Superplex gets two for Angle. Angle Slam is blocked and Holly reverses to a terrible belly to belly for two. Powerbomb gets two. Angle grabs the anklelock, but Bob makes the ropes. Angle rolls him up for the pin at 6:58. That chugged along okay. ** The thing is, though, that they already jobbed Bob Holly to Randy Orton a few times, which pretty much renders his value in the midcard nil, and then try to make us buy that he has a chance to beat Kurt Angle, who really shouldn’t be farting around down here with guys like Holly in the first place. And like Val Venis, Holly is a character who hasn’t gone through any kind of significant growth or change since 1999, and a few half-hearted midcard pushes aren’t suddenly going to change that. They need to get rid of dead weight like Holly and Venis and replace them with fresh faces from the farm system who are younger and at least still have a shot of getting over. Re-pushing the same tired faces isn’t going to help anything, no matter how loyal they’ve been.

– Elsewhere, Bad Acting Theatre hits new lows, as Torrie visits Maven in the hospital and very subtly suggests giving him a blowjob via a banana, and then starts stripping in case anyone missed the point. Tajiri arrives at the head desk and annoys the nurses.

– Back at the hospital, Tajiri is suddenly dressed like a doctor, but gets hustled away for a medical emergency. Sides…splitting…

– Back in the ring, Edge (with arm in a sling) comes out to announce his impending surgery. He’s mad because they handed him the ball and now he can’t carry it. So he forfeits his qualifying match to Chris Jericho, who of course interrupts. He mocks Edge’s pain, and Edge is dumb enough to attack, so Jericho kicks his ass. Serves him right. Jericho beats on the shoulder until Val Venis makes the save.

– Elsewhere, Dawn Marie & Stacy get all up in each other’s area in a completely pointless segment. It makes my head hurt to think that they’re actually wasting time with valets fighting over who wants to fuck 53-year old Vince McMahon more and they don’t get why the ratings are dropping.

– Elsewhere, Storm tells Kidman he’s too dull.

– Back at the hospital, Tajiri’s fiendish plan comes to fruition as he attacks the lovebirds. I’m not sure if Maven is screaming in pain or laughing, actually. For those keeping track, that’s two love triangle angles on the same show.

– Lance Storm v. Kidman. Storm attacks, but gets rana’d. Kidman goes up, but gets dropkicked off. Storm hits a flying clothesline for two. Kidman rollup is reversed, but a Rydien Bomb gets two. Storm DDTs him for two. Kidman gets a bulldog, but Storm hooks the half-crab. Kidman makes the ropes and gets an enzuigiri. He goes up, but Storm crotches him, but Kidman in turn powerbombs him off the top for two. Stormkick finishes at 2:43, however. Just a bunch of spots crammed into 3 minutes to use up some TV time. *

– HHH v. Hulk Hogan. HHH pounds away in the corner, but Hogan uses the power of the punch to send HHH flying out. They “brawl” and head into the crowd, but Hogan meets the post. Back in, HHH chokes away. Elbow gets two, and they do the same tired sleeper/reverse/suplex spot from the Angle-Holly match earlier tonight. Hulk up, big boot, but the legdrop misses. Pedigree is reversed, legdrop gets two. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes at 6:43. Yes, that was the whole match. -* Both guys looked lethargic and completely uninterested in being out there. I felt lethargic and uninterested in seeing this match, so I guess it’s apropos. They do the big steroid posedown, but Angle & Undertaker come out and finish the show with a beatdown. See, we all thought UT was at home, but he wasn’t. They SWERVED us.

The Bottom Line: Strangely enough, I think RAW has been a lot more interesting to watch over the past few weeks. It might swing between hideous and awesome, but at least it’s not a half-hearted snoozefest like Smackdown has been lately.

This show has been completely lacking in direction for months now and the stop-and-go midcard pushes are just another symptom of that. Putting HHH v. Undertaker on top again two months after dumping it because it wouldn’t draw isn’t anything that’s gonna change that, either. You may hate the nWo push on RAW, but at least you know they’re gonna stick with it for more than a week.

Later.