The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 06.15.10

So Long and Thanks For All the Fish

That’s it, kids, I’m done. The WWE has gone too far this time. They fired my hero, Daniel Bryan. They fired the greatest technical wrestler since Chris Benoit. They took wrestling’s savior away from us. I can’t do this anymore… I just can’t…

Ah fuck it, as long as Percy Watson is still around, I ain’t going anywhere. He’s like a mixture between Ernest “the Cat” Miller, Norman Smiley, and Urkel. If he’s not going to draw, only then shall I hang up my boots. In the meanwhile, I have a malebag to clean out. Now where did I leave Swayze?

There he is!

Christian’s Inferno

Lots of Christian love over the last four weeks thanks to a few good performances on Raw.

From guest#4761, “Christian having that awesome match against Edge last night will help him get noticed by Vince.. i see Christian getting a push on Smackdown for the World title soon.. i also see a Future program with Edge vs Christian..”

From mrfish, “This really is the time to give Christian the push. He’s feuded with Swagger before on ECW, he could keep up with Punk and he could bounce around for the Big Show. And I’d rather see Christian in the PPV and know there’s a 1% chance of him winning than see an injured Rey and no there’s no chance at of him winning.”

It’s unfortunate but Christian’s on a 2002-2003 Chris Jericho level where the WWE uses him for quality matches and to make his opponents look good. Unlike a jobber to the stars, Christian will still win a good amount of matches to keep up his credibility. But like a jobber to the stars, I would not bet the farm on Christian receiving a main event push. Christian received a year reign as ECW Champion as a thank you for his hard work and years of loyalty (TNA jump not withstanding). That’s going to be the pinnacle of his career unless he strikes gold in a feud (ala Jericho/Shawn Michaels).

Television

From my buddy Kegger, “Community is good, but I’ll take Modern Family over it any day. Hot wife, hot daughter-in-law…Al Bundy has it made!”

Granted, the wife on Modern Family is hot (and I do enjoy the show), but Community has Alison fucking Brie. Take a look below at what she can do with a load of clay. And yes, they showed this during the 8PM family hour.

From Cody, “I know this is a wrestling column but I gotta say that 24 video really made me want to go back and re-watch some of the earlier seasons.”

Same here. Thanks to Netflix’s instant streaming disc, perhaps I’ll start with the Behrooz year or skip ahead to Season 5, truly the best season of the show. And sure the last season was not all that great until Jack Baurer’s pseudo heel turn but I still enjoyed the show, warts and all.

I Am A Patriot

In regards to my American pictures from my Memorial Day column, from commenter Bobby the Brain, “No Patroit picture? COME ON!”

Wait until the 4th of July news report. It’s always there, every year.

So keep waiting…

Yes, yes…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that wants to be chocolate wasted, the Small-For-All News Report. In today’s news report, we speak on all the hot topics including the Kat’s marriage to another former wrestler, WrestleMania’s disappointing DVD numbers, and some little incident involving Daniel Bryan. All this and Dixie Carter’s surprise!

NEWS FORM TITAN TOWERS

Fired Up!

Clearly the biggest news of last week is the apparent firing of Daniel Bryan and Bryan Danielson. News of Bryan’s release hit the internetwaves late Friday night to the horror of the majority of the IWC. Clearly, the WWE knew that news would spread because what else would the IWC be doing on a Friday night? Clearly, Dave Scherer was not on a date.

Now a few days later, with the dust settled, let’s take a look once more at what happened here. According to most sources, Bryan was released because someone with a good amount of power decided that they were offended by his use of a tie to choke out helpless announcer Justin Roberts. While many cannot believe that Bryan was released over that, I can see why the WWE was unhappy with that maneuver. While talking to my buddy Keag over the weekend, he told me that after watching Raw, his unborn son broke his mother’s water before trying to choke him out with his umbilical cord. Thankfully, Keag was able to withstand the heinous attack. But in all seriousness, kids without a curfew were able to see a move that could easily be replicated at home with dire consequences.

OFFENDED?

The big question would be: “who is this Deep Throat who narc’d out Bryan Danielson?” Could it be someone from Mattel who is afraid that this scene of violence would go against Mattel’s kid friendly image? Could it be someone from Linda McMahon’s campaign who is afraid that this would be added to the laundry list of anti-McMahon propaganda? Could it be Paul London who finally got his revenge on Vince McMahon after McMahon killed the “Smiling One’s” push? No matter who this person is, they have enough political power to get the WWE to release one of their newest stars.

Unfortunately for Bryan, he became a scapegoat in the situation. The unhappy party wanted something done immediately and Bryan had to take the fall. Heath Slater was almost caught in a similar situation when he tried to choke out Cena in the ring ropes but was stopped before doing so. Bryan was not so lucky.

That said, I do not think we should all cry over the loss of Daniel Bryan. While he is the best wrestler of the group, the NXT faction can survive without him. Wade Barrett has done a great job getting his heel character over and his moveset isn’t too shabby. Otunga is a walking heat magnet. Even Michael Tarver seems to be more interesting in the last few weeks. In three months time, when the storm has passed, there is a good chance that the WWE will look to re-sign Bryan. And hey, they can now even bring him back as a babyface against the NXT rookies.

But until that time, some of you will be upset. Some of you will take drastic measures and not watch season two of NXT. And some of you will be so angry and boycott wrestling for good. No matter your feelings, just know that one man is laughing his way to the bank –

WrestleMania Has Disappointed

Coming off of a lackluster buyrate, you would think that perhaps people were waiting to purchase the WrestleMania 26 DVD. And you’d be wrong. According to the Observer, “After its first two weeks on the market, the DVD sold only 24,810 units. WrestleMania 25 on DVD sold 106,427 in its first two weeks. Previous WrestleMania DVD’s have sold 150,000 to 200,000 units in their first two weeks out.”

I am hoping for the WWE’s sake that the 24,000 units represent the amount of Blu-Ray DVDs sold. If this is the correct amount of DVDs sold then I am shocked. WrestleMania 26, from most accounts, was fairly well received which should have made for a better selling DVD set than WrestleMania 25. Unless the Hall of Fame ceremony carried DVD sales all of these years, this number does not make much sense to me. I guess if you have to look for a positive here, it’s that Best Buy will be trying to liquidate unsold copies in a couple of months so perhaps I will find it cheap. Seriously, that’s about it.

I’m A Survivor

From the main page, “It looks as if the main reason that the Survivor Series is coming back is due to the WrestleMania buyrate. When those numbers came in, the WWE realized that the UFC PPV that was right before Survivor Series likely hurt the buyrate. Since WrestleMania’s buyrate was also hurt by a big UFC show being held right before it.”

When the WWE decided to brand its non-major PPVs based on gimmicks, one assumed that the ultimate gimmick PPV, the Survivor Series, would have made the cut. Months ago when McMahon wrote it off for dead, we were all surprised. Now Survivor Series has been resurrected and I, for one, am excited. Sure “WWE Rock, Scissors, Paper” could have been a hit, but I’d rather give the Survivor Series one last chance. Hopefully the WWE stacks the show with eight man matches as those seem to at least impress the internet crowd a lot more than random singles matches.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all of your favorite sources:

Vince McMahon showed up at Raw last week with two black eyes and a cut over one of his eyes.

First Bret Hart at WrestleMania. And now Nailz finally obtained his revenge!

The plan for Summerslam is a main event of the Undertaker vs. Jack Swagger.

Sorry all 6 of you Big Show fans.

The WWE believes that LayCool has surpassed the Beautiful People in regards to bitchy women stables.

Well, I guess co-Women’s Champions is slightly less fucking retarded than winning a championship by selecting a box.

CM Punk and Tony Chimel had a bet based on who won the Stanley Cup Finals. Since Punk’s Blackhawks won, Chimel had to announce Punk as hailing from the home of Stanley Cup Winning Chicago Blackhawks.

If Chimel won, CM Punk would have had to join Chimel’s NAMBLA society.

Congrats to Kizarny and the Kat for their recent engagement.

Who knew the Kat really liked dirty talk?

WWE officials have started realizing that superstars like Triple H, the Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, Edge, and Big Show won’t be around forever.

I wonder who tipped them off.

RAW THOUGHTS

No Raw Thoughts this week as I missed the first hour of the show. Sure some of you were hoping to read my thoughts on Evan Bourne’s match with Chris Jericho (nothing special), Mark Feuerstein’s wrestling debut (so he beat Virgil, who hasn’t?), and the lack of Fatal 4 Way build (because hey, the PPV will sell itself), so I apologize. Don’t worry, I’ll be back next week with another round of snarky comments.

THE GREATEST THING I’VE SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)

As a huge fan of the Soup, it is only necessary for me to post something awesome I’ve stumbled upon this week. Last week, it was “There Will be Bell”, a mashup between There Will Be Blood and the oil episode of Saved by the Bell. This week, I was not impressed with any videos; rather, while researching the firing of Daniel Bryan, I stumbled across a picture so awesome; it is the greatest thing I’ve seen on the internet (this week).

Sure it’s a shitty situation for Bryan and the WWE, but man, will it give me a few weeks of material!

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Dixie and her Surprises

Last week, Dixie Carter tweeted that big changes were coming to TNA along with a nice surprise at Slammiversary.

Well, Slammiversary was this Sunday and I am guessing that the nice surprise was the TNA debut of Tommy Dreamer. Of course, when I hear nice surprise, I fully expected a bra and panties match between Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich. But I guess Dreamer’s washed up character will work too.

As for the big changes coming to TNA, one can only guess what Dixie has in store. Will it be:

a) The return of Macho Man Randy Savage
b) The new creative team consisting of Paul Heyman, Kevin Sullivan, Vince Russo, Eric Bischoff, and the corpse of Chris Kreski (the WWE’s head writer in 2000)
c) Hulk Hogan – TNA World Champion
d) All of the above

Actually, the most intriguing surprise is the rumor of TNA dropping PPVs and having live PPV-esque specials on Spike TV. That honestly wouldn’t be a bad idea as no one pays for TNA PPVs now so why not make some advertising dollars off of a live special. Plus, I’d totally watch a TNA “Clash of the Champions” type show over paying for a PPV any day of the week. Face it, if the WWE is massively struggling with their PPVs, why should TNA follow suit?

2010 WHAMMY AWARDS

We are one week away from announcing the 2nd Annual SFA WHAMMY Award Winners! If you have yet to vote, please do so in the comment section below. One rule only: in order for your votes to count, you must vote for EVERY category. Yup, it’s that easy.

Let’s take a look at the categories:

The Steve Blackman “How the Hell is this guy getting a push” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Drew McIntyre
Orlando Jordan
John Cena

The Brooke Adams “My Dancing Pecs will be on display at Scores New York in a few months” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Lacey Von Erich
Chris Masters
Awesome Kong

The Christian “I’m Going to Come Back to the WWE to become ECW Champion” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Elijah Burke
Ric Flair
Ken Kennedy

The Daniel Bryan “Even I Won’t Tap Out to a Pussy Danielson Submission” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Chris Jericho
Justin Roberts
Darren Young

The Jonathan Coachman “Heel Turn so shocking that no one really cared at all” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Kevin Nash turns on Eric Young
Michael Cole turns on the IWC
Carltio turns down rehab

The Kane “I Look Better Completely Shaved” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Serena
Angelina Love
Vickie Guerrero

The “When Jeff Small Finally Retires, I Want This Person to be his Replacement” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Mike Adamle
Justin Bieber
Jake Chambers

Remember voting ends on this coming Monday June 21st . Vote or die, bitches!!!

Next week, the winners will be announced!

Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!