The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 06.22.10

Fake Plastic Ties

I learned a valuable lesson this week – do not trust your peers! Over the weekend, I posted a picture of a Daniel Bryan/Justin Roberts toy set in response to some chatter on the super secret 411 Staff Forums (so secret, that we haven’t invited Slimmer yet). Only one person commented (Bauer) which led me to believe that it either was not as funny as I thought or people just did not have the decency to comment. What irked me even more was that the picture was used by Randle in his news report yesterday. Considering Randle barely ever posts silly pictures in his news report (hell, he barely puts enough energy in updating his lists), I found that this to be super suspect. You’d think Randle would at least be nice enough to give me credit for the picture, but no, he kept all the glory to himself (he probably would have only had 8 comments this week). Fucking diva.

Speaking of divas, if Randle has chosen to steal my images, I sure as hell need to steal something from Cook. Below you will find another reason why Maryse is my #1 Diva!

Suck on that Cook!

Then, after reading Randle’s news report, I checked out 411’s review of Eminem’s “Recovery” album. In the midst of the review (which honestly I skimmed), I saw that the author used a hilarious video that I was going to use in this week’s news report. Now this reviewer had no idea that I was going to use it so I am not upset at all. Rather, it just was a strange coincidence. And I still plan on using it in my news report this week. Why? Because I’m good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Yo Mona Lisa, can I get a date on Friday? And if you’re busy I wouldn’t mind taking Saturday.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In today’s Small-For-All, we bypass the entire Fatal Four Way PPV to speak on more important topics including Daniel Bryan’s Peta Pit, the Nexus, WrestleMania 30’s location, what happened to Shad, Maryse’s vagina, Bound For Glory matches, and the 2010 WHAMMY AWARD WINNERS!!!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWER S

PETA Pit

Yes, I am well aware that Daniel Bryan is not in the WWE anymore. But that still does not make it less fun to talk about him and his strange release. Today’s strangest news regarding Daniel Bryan revolves around the latest group that would like to see him re-instated in the WWE.

The following is a real letter from PETA Director Dan Shannon to Vince McMahon.

On behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and the WWE fans among our more than 2 million members and supporters, I’m writing to toss our name into the ring as yet another proponent of the push to bring back Daniel Bryan (Bryan Danielson). I might not personally carry the same clout as other Bryan supporters like John Cena or Shawn Michaels (although I do consider myself “The Showstopper of PETA”), but I am, along with many of my colleagues, a huge Daniel Bryan fan, not only because he humiliated the Miz and Michael Cole a few weeks back on Raw but also because he’s vegan.

Lots of athletes, including baseball slugger Prince Fielder, the NBA’s Raja Bell, MMA fighters K.J. Noons and Mac Danzig, and Olympic Legend Carl Lewis, show that vegetarians often leave meat-eaters in the dust, gnawing on their greasy chicken wings as they wonder what hit them. But Bryan represents the quintessential vegan badass. He knows that unlike WWE superstars, animals beaten to a pulp by the meat industry don’t want to be there. The worst Hell in a Cell match is nothing compared to what animals in slaughterhouses go through, such as having their throats cut and being scalded alive and dismembered, often while still conscious. Even Mick Foley couldn’t withstand that kind of abuse. Just by being vegan, Bryan saves more than 100 animals a year, a feat far more impressive than any of Jack Swagger’s “accomplishments.” Savvy athletes go vegan for the health benefits, too, as they slash their risk of heart disease, cancer, and diabetes.

So what do you say, Mr. McMahon? Bring back Bryan and let him prove that he belongs. And maybe there could even be a storyline romance between Bryan and the gorgeous vegan diva Tiffany! (Who, in your PETA fans’ opinion, deserves another shot at Layla.)

Will Vince McMahon listen to the crazy PETA cult and bring back the “Vegan Badass” Daniel Bryan? Or has Daniel Bryan officially gone away as hinted by Bryan himself after he was eliminated on NXT? If only ECW were still around, we could have seen a Sandman vs. PetaMan squash match.

Honestly, I really do not see PETA having any clout in the re-instatement of Daniel Bryan. Especially not a douchebag that calls himself the “Showstopper of PETA”. If Vince McMahon was smart, he’d send a message to this assclown by having the KFC Double Down sponsor another PPV.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all of your favorite sources:

The WWE recently trademarked the phrase “the Nexus.”

Now that’s a great name for a stable!

John Cena announced at last week’s MSG House Show that WrestleMania 30 will be held at MSG.

For someone who loves traditions, this is great news. It’s double great for me as I missed out on tickets to WrestleMania 20 six years ago. I’d honestly consider hanging up my WrestleMania streak if I can witness WrestleMania 30 live.

Fatal Four Way sucked.

I have a funny feeling that the WWE is purposely sabotaging all PPVs in order to make WrestleMania 26 look that much better. Then at the year’s end, they can be like, “you fuckers need to pick up this DVD since it’s way better than any of the other shit we’ve put out this year” or something like that. This will lead to WrestleMania 26 becoming the most sold DVD of all time. At least, that’s my conspiracy theory.

In case you have been wondering, Shad was recently sent back down to FCW because he was not getting over.

Yet, when Drew McIntyre is not over, they have him feud with Teddy Long, Kofi Kingston, and Matt Hardy all at once. Perhaps, Shad needs to bring back his H.N.I.C gimmick because he’s being discriminated against. Hell, bring back Rodney Mack and D’Lo Brown too.

Maryse’s vagina debuted at Fatal Four Way.

I guess her lips aren’t sealed anymore.

Within the last two months, we have had Vickie Guerrero, Bret Hart, and now a computer as General Manager of Raw. With so many storyline changes to the GM position, you have to wonder if the WWE hired an ex-24 writer.

Am I the only one who would like to see Evan Bourne play a heel?

If Jericho loses, he will retire tonight. Considering that it’s Jericho we are talking about, I expect him to suffer a roll-up loss.

Color me Canadian – Chris Jericho wins a match. I guess the WWE Comics were wrong about him (see below):

Virgil is fired! And he’s replaced with Maryse! Here’s hoping we get a Ted DiBiase Jr vs. Virgil Million Dollar Belt Championship match at Money in the Bank.

Decent promo from the Hart Dynasty. Although the line about “their harts still beating” is in poor taste as Ric Flair could die any day.

Oh shizzle, the Nexus has stopped the Natalya vs. Tamia match. And just as Wade Barrett was going to apologize, it’s too late as Tyson Kidd planchas onto them! Too bad he’s just a jobber and DH Smith is way too slow to exit the ring as both men are taken out by the group.

I honestly do not need the Nexus to apologize for their actions. Rather, I want them to destroy more people! The NWO never apologized for nothing. What kind of stable is this?

Yes, Darren Young just called himself the Black John Cena! Awesome.

When NXT started in March, I would never have believed that the NXT rookies would be the #1 heel faction on Raw a few months later. Kudos to the group for getting MUCH better in such a short time.

From Virgil to Virgin – sadly, that was taken away years ago.

John Morrison vs. Zack Ryder in a battle of NXT Pros. As much as I like the Ryder character, he really is not getting over at all. Can someone have him join Nexus?

CRZ is walking. Oh wait, that’s just John Cena.

Khali’s not the Punjabi Playboy, he’s the Poonany Playboy. I’m surprised that has not been said yet considering Vince Russo’s booking this mixed tag match.

I am glad Primo Colon has become the younger version of Chavo Guerrero.

The Viper is walking…slowly.

Randy Orton wants to take on Wade Barrett in the near future. Thankfully, the Miz interrupts to let everyone know that he wants to be the first WWE & US Champion. He even gets a few shots on Randy Orton before being powerslammed. Of course, instead of starting a new feud between the Miz and Orton, Edge has to interfere to take out Orton again. Do we really need another Orton vs. Edge PPV match?

My pick for the anonymous GM – Lebron James. I’d rather sign with the WWE than the Knicks!

Oh noes, the Nexus has ruined a perfectly acceptable main event match between Sheamus and Cena. I guess they aren’t really sorry about punking out Cena.

So the master reveal behind the Nexus attacks was Vincent Kennedy McMahon. So much for the whole “McMahon does not want to be on TV” anymore statement. Nevermind, he’s about to get shanked. Damn, that looked painful.

Overall, this was a much better edition of Raw than what we have witnessed over the last few weeks. The Nexus group took out the WWE’s top dog, we had a couple of decent/good matches thanks to Sheamus and Jericho and most importantly, Darren Young referred to himself as a black John Cena. That’s all I need to be happy.

THE GREATEST THING I HAVE SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)

As a huge fan of the Soup, it is only necessary for me to post something awesome I’ve stumbled upon this week. Last week, it was the Deadliest Warrior featuring Daniel Bryan and a tie. This week, I have a surprise for you as I have not one but TWO greatest things I’ve seen. First, a clever Shamwow parody.

Even though I am a white boy fakin’ da funk, I have been anxiously awaiting Eminem’s newest album. Best believe, by the time you read this, I will have the album on my IPOD. Yeah, boy!

But since this was already used once on 411 this week, here’s my second (and possibly greater) thing I have seen this week.

Messy indeed.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Let’s Spoil Bound For Glory

Even though Bound For Glory does not even have a location announced (rumored to be Charlotte, NC), a few matches have leaked out including Hulk Hogan vs. Abyss, Ric Flair vs. AJ Styles, and Kurt Angle vs. the TNA Champion.

If these matches are true, it appears that Sting’s four year reign in the main event is over unless he’s TNA Champion at that time. I don’t see that happening as why would TNA want three cripples in their top three matches? That said, I give TNA credit for at least having its three top matches a result from long term booking. Ever since Hogan gave Abyss his magical ring, you knew that at some point he’d like it back. Flair and Styles were set to collide ever since Styles lost his championship. And the Kurt Angle storyline is one of the best things going for Angle at this moment. If TNA is smart and takes its time with these matches, they could have a damn good show. I don’t expect it, but I always like to be surprised. (Oh and my pick for TNA Champion – Jeff Hardy).

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Idea

According to the Observer, “The reason TNA is bringing in several former ECW stars is because a focus group showed that many fans responded that ECW was their favorite period in wrestling when asked. The result from this research is what started the idea of bringing in Paul Heyman to lead a group of former ECW stars.”

So instead of creating a new golden period in wrestling with a focus on a new class of characters, TNA would rather try to re-do something that the WWE failed at recreating a few years ago. Now I know that remakes are all the rage in Hollywood, but seriously, after each remake is announced, more and more of the public stops giving a fuck. By the time, ECW version 3.0 comes out, will there be more than a 1.1 household rating that cares?

Hogan’s New Job

According to PWInsider, “Hulk Hogan has signed on to be the new face of 1-800-LoanMart. Beginning in July, Hogan will appear in TV and radio commercials for the company. WWE Hall of Famer Jimmy Hart will be making special appearances with Hogan in the ads. 1-800-LoanMart, as described in a press release, is a “direct financer title loan company that enables car owners to achieve their financial objectives by supplying them with a car loan through financing methods that are secured by the value of the car, and not by the customer’s credit.”

Even with Hogan, 1-800-LoanMart will never beat Eastern Motors. Right, Melo?

2010 WHAMMY AWARDS

It’s with great honor for me to announce the winners of the 2010 WHAMMY AWARDS! Remember that all the winners were voted by you, my Smallophiles.

The Steve Blackman “How the Hell is this guy getting a push” WHAMMY

And the winner is… Orlando Jordan!

Even a late push for Drew McIntyre could not overtake the Orlando Jordan suckfest.

The Brooke Adams “My Dancing Pecs will be on display at Scores New York in a few months” WHAMMY

And the winner is… Chris Masters!

Masters defeated Lacey Von Erich by one vote. You sick fucks.

The Christian “I’m Going to Come Back to the WWE to become ECW Champion” WHAMMY

And the winner is… Elijah Burke !

Hey remember when The Black Pope was main eventing? Neither does TNA.

The Daniel Bryan “Even I Won’t Tap Out to a Pussy Danielson Submission” WHAMMY

And the winner is… Justin Roberts!

Chris Jericho was winning this one in a landslide until last week when all the shit went down with Daniel Bryan. How ironic.

The Jonathan Coachman “Heel Turn so shocking that no one really cared at all” WHAMMY

And the winner is… a tie between Kevin Nash turns on Eric Young and Carlito turns down rehab! Due to a tie, the winner goes to the loser of this group – Michael Cole turns on the IWC !

Laugh it up, Michael. Laugh it up.

The Kane “I Look Better Completely Shaved” WHAMMY

And the winner is… Serena!

Serena was the runaway winner as only eight people thought Angelina Love looks good shaved (I guess I don’t need to post any more of her pics) and only four people voted for Vickie Guerrero.

The “When Jeff Small Finally Retires, I Want This Person to be his Replacement” WHAMMY

And the winner is… Mike Adamle!

I guess Justin Bieber’s Hillary Swank-esque look does not work for the Small-For-All Universe. Now I guess I have a few calls to make before November.

Thank you all for voting.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, the Small-For-All celebrates fireworks. If you thought the Memorial Day edition was super patriotic, you will love next week’s edition. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!