The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 07.13.10

The Decision

Last Thursday, I witnessed the second most devastating heel turn of the century. With my large bowl of popcorn in hand, I watched Lebron James go from one of the most popular men on the planet to one of the most despised in the span of fifteen minutes. Instead of selecting the hometown team (Cleveland), the storied franchise (New York), or even the Russian Billionaire (New Jersey), Lebron selected the hometown of Darren Young and Percy Watson (he’s going to Miami, bitch).

Granted, his decision was not that surprising except for the fact that he needed a television program to give the ultimate fuck you to Cleveland and the aforementioned teams. Instead of holding a quick press conference or even announcing his decision on Twitter, Lebron’s use of the special casted himself as Public Enemy #1 and it was glorious. Even Stuart Scott’s eyes could not believe what they were seeing.

(On a sidenote: whoever’s bright idea it was to schedule a one-hour special chronicling Lebron’s decision needs to work for VH1 (I’d give him the second season rights to Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch).)

So how does this relate to wrestling? Well watching Lebron’s heel turn was eerily reminiscent of the greatest turn ever – Hulk Hogan turning on WCW at Bash of the Beach. Even the commentary works (just change Lebron for Hogan). It’s great and sadly also the first time that professional wrestling has been in the mainstream media since the Benoit family tragedy.

Alas, Lebron’s decision got me thinking about my own contract status. On August 13th, my 411Mania writer’s contract ends. Originally, I was planning on renewing for a sixth year, but now, I am not so sure. For everything good about 411Mania (the writers, the countless links about Lady Gaga’s ass and Katy Perry’s breasts), there are a few things I am not a fan of (the writers, the countless links about the Iron Sheik in a bikini). So I have decided to do the right thing – I will spend the next month listening to other websites’ offers. Over the next four news reports, I will continue to keep my Smallophiles informed as to the ongoing negotiations. Finally, on August 11th, I will announce my decision, not on television, but right here on the Small-For-All!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Summertime and the living’s easy…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that was drunk off of America last week, the Small-For-All News Report. First off, thanks to Mr. Massive Q, Mathew Sforcina for filling in last week. In addition to being a super heavyweight wrestler in Australia, Mathew does a shitload for the website including Ask411, which in itself is quite the task. Ask411 has seen a rather large writer turnover in its time which is why Sforcina should get massive props for sticking with it through all of these years. Second, we have tons to speak about this week including chops, Triple H’s surprise surgery, a NXT injury, Pictionary with Jeff Jarrett, and Dixie Carter’s latest TNA meeting.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Chop Chop

Okay I am really getting sick of this story but considering Randle had no idea what he was speaking about yesterday (shocking, I know), I guess it leaves me to clear the air. For the last time – per former referee Jimmy Korderas, the WWE banned chops year ago with only special permission given to Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels. And no, the Big Show did not receive special permission to do his overhead chop as he still does it to this day. Why did they get rid of the move? Not for the “Whoooo’s.” Rather, knife edge chops were banned for two reasons: a) it is tough to fake a knife edged chop, b) it is an easy move for kids to emulate and c) the WWE clearly does not want Roderick Strong to work for them.

So let’s stop the belief that Vince is worried that a knife edge chop will send his audience to watch TNA. Kurt Angle did not grow TNA’s audience. Hulk Hogan did not grow TNA’s audience. Really, only one thing did – the TNA Knockout Lock Box Challenge. Which of course means that Darrell Hammond’s Al Gore character is now BANNED from the WWE.

Banned from the WWE

Thank God, that’s all cleared up now. Next on my list – who drove the white hummer!

Operation!

This segment is also known as the news that the WWE never wanted you to know! Last week, Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Dick Hayhurst tweeted that he saw Triple H at the same rehab center that he currently is at. This tweet sent the IWC into a tailspin as the following questions arose – Will Triple H be ready to compete at Summerslam against Sheamus? Why did Triple H need surgery? Did he hurt himself playing touch football? Was it the Nexus? Who is Dick Hayhurst?

While Hayhurst’s original tweets have been deleted, according to Figure 4 Wrestling, Triple H needed surgery to repair a torn muscle tendon in his arm. This surgery was not planned as Triple H originally took time off to film a couple WWE films. In fact, he was scheduled to return at Summerslam. But now, all bets are off. Except for the one regarding how Triple H hurt his arm. My money’s on internet porn.

NXT Injury

From Lords of Pain, “A source within WWE Developmental confirmed that Alex Riley did suffer a concussion last week during a match with Kaval. The match was stopped because of his excessive bleeding from the back of his head after a backwards fall into the guard rail. The source also said that Riley is expected to be out of action up to a month. Riley had visible stitches and swelling on the back of his head as worked the mic prior to the main event in this Thursday’s FCW Arena event.”

Awful timing here as Alex Riley has a great chance at winning NXT season 2. While he will never win the Universe’s vote, he easily can become the Pro’s #1 choice. Now he is going to have to rely soley on his mic skills (which are solid) to make it through a couple of eliminations. I am confident this will happen as that seven foot weirdo and Lucky Cannon are still around. If Riley is out for longer than a month, then perhaps an angle will be created for him.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Cody Rhodes was pissed at Lucky Cannon for not taking his finisher correctly last week on NXT.

Seems like Cody learned how to meltdown backstage from his old mentor, Randy Orton. No wonder he is getting pushed on Smackdown.

WWE officials are high on Husky Harris. He is considered a standout in the NXT class.

I think “on” is the wrong preposition. “With” would make more sense.

MVP will be getting new entrance music soon.

Can a heel turn come with it?

Alicia Fox’s sister, Christina Crawford, debuted in FCW last week.

Here’s hoping they change her name or else somebody will confuse her with the white chick who wrote “Mommie Dearest.”

The Rock is currently filming scenes for the new Fast & Furious movie. The Rock plays a US Marshal who heads to Brazil to find Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.

Here’s hoping he leaves Paul Walker in Brazil. But seriously, can the Rock guest host next summer to promote this “awesome” movie?

Even with last week’s tease, Steve Austin will not be the new Raw GM.

Spoiler: it’s Doug Basham. Sorry kiddos.

For the record, I just finished watching the debut episode of Ochocinco: the Ultimate Catch. I really doubt that tonight’s Raw can live up to it. But with Florence Henderson guest hosting, there is a slight possibility. If only TO shows up to get some numbers…

Oh man, it’s only 6 on 1 for tonight’s main event as the Black John Cena is too hurt to compete. That’s sad since I missed last week’s beatdown.

I hate how the majority of Cena’s promos are solid except for one awful line that makes me shutter. Today’s awful line revolved around sticking Sheamus’s butt on his face or something. I dunno Cena. The “poopy” jokes are unnecessary.

Nexus shirts! And God, who the fuck would be caught seen wearing that in public. If you aren’t watching the show, it’s the exact same as their armbands. Not impressed.

Why does the lights flicker when the GM sends an email? And why am I afraid that William Regal will shut down the show every time this happens?

The WWE is in a predicament right now. Cena vs. Nexus is the hot feud at this moment but is Cena vs. Barrett a main event title match? Or should Mr. Mayo retain his belt at MITB and feud with the MITB ladder match winner at Summerslam? I like the latter which means that the former will happen.

Why does Gail Kim receive a non-title shot at Alicia Fox? I do not seem to recall Gail winning a match since February. She’s less impressive than Cameroon in the World Cup.

Woo-hoo, another Divas championship match at the MITB PPV. It’s like Night of Champions come early!

Did You Know: It’s Jey Uso not Jay. Color me Samoan.

Oh noes, the Nexus destroyed Yoshi Tatsu. If only Yoshi had eaten a red pepper beforehand to run away from the Nexus.

Maryse and Ted DiBiase are easily the Power Couple of the Century. If this does not get DiBiase over, nothing will.

Morrison vs. DiBiase & Maryse is just not going to work out. They really need Melina’s return to further this feud.

My God, a Brady Bunch parody featuring Santino, Khali, and Doink the Clown. This should be glorious. And it was! Guest Host Segment of the Year!

There was a time when Edge vs. Randy Orton would give me a full chubby. Now, my dick’s been asleep since Florence Henderson left our screen.

Oh man, heels are attacking heels. Faces are attacking heels. Faces are attacking faces. Who will join the Alliance next?

HOLY SHIT – that RKO counter to the Shooting Star Press was a thing of beauty. Sure Evan Bourne might be dead but that was totally worth it.

The Cornfed Meathead totally makes a great muscle man for the Nexus.

Isn’t it ironic that the Miz would rather have his actions speak louder than words?

Mark Henry in the MITB Ladder Match. Normally, I would complain about another big man in the MITB but Henry had a few memorable moments at WrestleMania 25.

Okay, perhaps Mark Henry won’t be competing at MITB on Sunday.

I must admit, Florence Henderson did a great job as a ring announcer. Can we hire her for NXT?

I am glad that Evil Doink has returned. Perhaps it is Eugene under the mask.

The Poonany Prince has returned to the WWE! It’s crazy to think that Khali has kissed more women in the WWE than a stud like Rico ever did.

Edge with a solid interview hyping Money in the Bank. I must say that the WWE is doing a great job this week with hyping the PPV.

Run white boy run!

Solid handicap match with the right outcome (Nexus winning). I am surprised that Sheamus did not turn on Cena to end Raw but I guess, the WWE wants to keep up the whole “WWE vs. Nexus” storyline going.

I mentioned at the beginning of this breakdown that it would take a good show to best Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. And I must say, that this week’s Raw did. The WWE did a great job with promoting this Sunday’s PPV as not only did every match receive some hype, but the WWE did a good job at getting all the individual MITB participants some face time. Throw in a couple funny and harmless segments with Carol Brady and I was quite impressed with this week’s edition. Here’s hoping MITB goes over well and the WWE can ride some momentum into Summerslam.

The Greatest Thing I Have Seen on the Internet (This Week)

Last week, Starz canceled one of the better comedies on television – Party Down. For those who have never seen the show (which judging by its ratings is everyone), Party Down revolved around an eccentric catering staff with every episode taking place at one of their catered events. From birthday parties, to orgies, to a day at Steve Guttenberg’s home, the Party Down catering crew created laughs no matter their location.

In the following clip, Kyle’s band Karma Rocket performs the song “My Struggle” at Constance Carmell’s wedding. Enjoy.

Season 1 of Party Down can be found at all local retailers for under $15.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

TNA’s Next Top Superstar

On his Twitter page, Jeff Jarrett has been giving photo hints as to upcoming “Huge News” in TNA. Let’s see if we, the Smallophile Universe, can decipher Jarrett’s hints.

First picture hint…

Yes a picture of a beach with an island in the background.

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The second picture is of a spotlight that can be seen in a movie set. Perhaps this person is a movie star.

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The third picture is of an airplane’s wing. While I cannot make out the tip of the wing, it appears that the plane is either United or American Airlines. Clearly, this American must like to fly.

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The fourth picture is of a rollercoaster. It appears to be an older style like a Wild Mouse. So perhaps this mystery person likes coasters.

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The last picture is of a radio with the station 96.5 on the dial. By Googling WHTQ, it brings us to an Orlando classic rock station.

So there are out clues – island, spotlight, flying, rollercoaster, and classic rock. While most signs lead to Kenzo Suzuki, I believe that the mystery person is Mick Foley. He is from Staten Island, always steals the spotlight (and has been in a few movies), has flown off a Hell in the Cell, loves rollercoasters and classic rock. But I could definitely be wrong. Smallophiles, who do you believe that Jeff Jarrett is speaking of?

Staff Meetings Rule!

From the main page, “Dixie Carter held a company meeting today before the Impact tapings, but it was just to tell everyone to tighten up their ring work.”

You tell’em Dixie how to rassle! Perhaps Dixie is correct with her viewpoint, but wouldn’t it make more sense to have an agent or an established veteran lead the meeting? That way, people cannot complain how a non-wrestler is telling wrestlers how to work. But maybe that’s just me.

Next TNA Champion

Rumor has it that everyone’s favorite babykiller with a foot fetish, Gene Snitsky, has been trying to get into TNA. Woo-hoo. Perhaps he can interfere in the main event picture and cost someone like Ken Anderson the TNA Title. Because then he can say… (everybody with me)…

IT WASN’T MY FAULT!!!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, I will list my expectations for prospective wrestling websites along with busting out the Swayze Malebag. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!