The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 07.20.10

I Just Got a Letter… I Wonder Who It’s From!

With so much to talk about today, I might as well kick off this bad boy with a malebag.

The following are real comments by real Smallophiles.

Lebron Lebron Lebron

From Cellmate #7503, “LeBron did good in going to Miami Heat. what’s so bad about going to Miami? NOTHING. now he will be partying down there with guys like MVP. Ballin!!!!!!!”

Actually, if Lebron wants a good time, he will be partying with Darren Young and Percy Watson. OH YEAH.

From KoryMcStunna, “Lebron isn’t a Heel for Leaving Cleveland..just the Douchey way he did it. I don’t blame the Guy for wanting to be in Miami over Cleveland..people r hypocrits..they say athletes r all about $..when they make it about teamwork and chemistry..people bitch that they’re cowards..”

I one-hundred percent agree on the first part – had Lebron announced his signing at a Press Conference or on Twitter, no one would hate him the way they do after his televised special. Oh and Lebron does not care about teamwork or chemistry; rather, all he cares about is the easiest way to a championship. And in Miami, Wade will be taking all of the final shots since Lebron does not seem to handle Playoff pressure well.

From WhatAboutBill?, “NWO and Lebron eh. Nice work reading Bill Simmons articles young one. Try not to rip good writters off”

OMG, Bill Simmons, myself, and tons of others had the same opinion after seeing something. Seriously, the day I do a Draft Diary, feel free to hate on me for ripping off Simmons. Plus, I’ve been ripping off Chevy Chase for almost five years now and no one seems to care about that.

Snitsovision

From HeartBurnKid, “How could you make a Snitsky reference and not mention his starring role in the coming sequel to the worst movie ever made?”

Because if I mentioned his starring role in a movie, then it would not have been a reference anymore but just a newsbite. Plus, I honestly have no interest in Manos: Deux. Sure the first one was awful which made it highly entertaining. The sequel is just going to suck… hard. I’d rather spend my Saturday night watching Spike TV’s block of Manswers and 1000 Ways to Die.

Oh and major win to commenter Baron Skinny for the following gem: “Is Snitsky gonna be in Sex and the City 3? He could push a pregnant Carrie down the stairs.”

Party Down the Drain

A few commenters were upset in learning that Party Down was cancelled. Fear not kids as the majority of the Party Down cast has projects for the Fall season – in particular, Adam Scott will be on the next season of Parks and Recreation while Ryan Hansen will be on the ground-breaking NBC comedy Friends… With Benefits. Sadly, there is nothing on the books for Lizzy Caplan.

Oh and for the commenter who has canceled Starz in retaliation for the canceling of Party Down, shame on you. Starz easily has the best lineup of movies on cable. Plus Bunnies!

The Best of 24

From Brad B, “You’re usually spot on Small, but this past season of 24 was the best, followed by Season 2.Not that season 4 was bad at all. In fact, there were only 2 bad seasons of 24 – Season 3 (started awful; ended well) and Season 6 (started OK; ended awful). But to start with Season 4 and ignore Season 1 & 2 goodness is doing yourself a disservice.”

You might want to back it up with the Season 8 love. Sure the final eight episodes were great (really, starting with President Hassan’s beheading) but the first eight were pretty meh. This season reminded me of Season 3 (for your reasons above).

The reason I will probably start with season 4 is not due to that season’s quality (it’s only middle of the road in my book) but due to its star-power. Palmer, Tony, Michelle, Curtis, Edgar Stiles, Chloe, President Logan, Mandy, Buchanan, Mike Novick, and Behrooz – all in one season. That’s like the 24 Dream Team right there!

New Deal

From Black Scorpion, “I got a contract offer for you.. listen close, it’s really a big deal – How about being the spokesperson for Cheeseburger Helper? Its like Hamburger Helper.. BUT WITH CHEESE!”

Sorry buddy, but I have already signed on as the new spokesperson of Seven Minute Abs.

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In case you need more Small love, I took part in the last night. Come join me as I channel my inner Bryan Kristopowitz and Rob McNew!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

You Forgot Your Straw!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In today’s news report, we celebrate Kane’s milestone, talk dirt on the WWE’s newest Diva, and expose the Over the Limit buyrate. Plus, Raw Thoughts, the Greatest Thing on the Internet (This Week), and an update on my 411 contract situation!

NEWS FROM THE WRESTLING WORLD

Congratulations

This week’s AWESOME JOB goes to World Heavyweight Champion Kane, who became the first man to win the WWE Championship, World Heavyweight Championship, and ECW Championship in the WWE. Many thought the Big Show did it first but he only won his World Championship in WCW which is definitely not the same. As winner of this distinction, Kane will receive a longer title reign than his first (thank God, he’s on Fridays), an X-Box 360, and a night with Lita.

In all seriousness, if anyone deserved a title reign, it’s Kane. Even at the height of his popularity, he only had a one-day reign in 1998. Since then, he’s been one of the WWE’s most consistent (and perhaps underrated) wrestlers, allowed his character to be stripped of its entire persona, and was stuck in a three month feud with Super Shane McMahon. For the last twelve years, he has been one hell of a company man and was thankfully recognized for his hard work with this title reign. While I do not expect Kane’s title reign to set the WWE on fire (ha!), he should receive a few months to shine.

WWE’s Newest Diva

According to the Torch, “WWE newcomer Alberto Del Rio has already developed a negative reputation among those in the locker room. He has complained to fellow wrestlers about the company’s decision to remove the mask he famously wore for a number of years in Mexico. Many in the locker room feel he should be thrilled with the push WWE officials have given him thus far rather than complaining about issues with creative.”

Well, clearly Del Rio is on the Rey Mysterio path for greatness. He really should not have anything to complain about as he skipped over NXT and right into vignettes on Smackdown. Considering he is well versed in the ring, he has an instant advantage over other WWE rookies. Perhaps someone will sit him aside and tell him to know his roll and shut his mouth at this moment. A bad backstage attitude will lead to nothing but a wasted opportunity in the WWE.

Furthermore, I cannot believe that he is shocked that he lost his famous mask. If the WWE would unmask Kane, a burn victim, clearly, they would have no issue with unmasking a Mexican. Hell, the only reason that Rey still has his mask on is because he looks like a twelve year old boy without it. If he had a manly mustache or bushy eyebrows, you best believe he would be unmasked by now.

Kip Drody’s #1 Fan

From a USA Today blog in reference to Facebook followers of top sports, “They noted that the NBA leads the pack with almost 3.2 million followers and UFC comes in second with around 2.3 million followers. The Vancouver 2010 Olympics comes in third with 1.2 million followers while WWE is #4 on the list with 757,845 fans on the social networking site. This puts WWE ahead of the NFL, MLB, NHL and NASCAR, among others.”

I am shocked, SHOCKED, that this has not been beaten over our heads yet with a Did You Know? Then again, with the UFC killing it 3 to 1, perhaps, this is better to be left unsaid.

This Just In…

From Lords of Pain, “WWE’s first-ever Over the Limit pay-per-view this year did around 198,000 total buys worldwide with 115,000 being in North America. This is down from 2009’s Judgment Day pay-per-view which did 228,000 buys.”

Perhaps next year, we will finally get a WWE On the Pole PPV featuring a biker chain match, a coal miner’s glove match, and most importantly, a Judy Bagwell on a forklift match!

Woah, we kick off Raw with a #1 Contender’s Match between Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and Edge. I honestly thought this would be the main event but I guess, the WWE believes that a twenty minute Mark Henry vs. Wade Barrett encounter is the way to go.

While I am hoping for a great match here, I almost want to see this match kinda suck, if only to strengthen my argument above.

I thought the biggest event of the summer was my cousin Jimmy’s Pool Party. Last year, we had Frozen Ice, WWF Ice Cream Bars, and sodomy!

Randy Orton is going to Summerslam! Definitely the best choice for a feud with Sheamus as Orton is mega-over right now. And while Sheamus has been doing a good job gaining heat as champion, he still needs to feud with main event faces right now. Unfortunately though, I do not expect a great match between the two men. It should at least be better than their Rumble encounter though.

Edge wants to finish Jericho off tonight! I guess Downfall is just not bringing in the groupies that Fozzy did.

Oh shit, Jericho played the Nexus card! Sadly, I see him getting punked too.

I love how Tarver puts up his ski mask right before a beatdown.

GOAR by Skip Sheffield! Tarver removes his mask and then puts it back on. Oh it’s on baby!

Common logic states that it will be Nexus vs. Cena, Edge, Jericho, and others at Summerslam. The longer the WWE goes before using Barrett vs. Cena, the better this storyline will be.

John Cena wants to join the Nexus. He is SO Lebron James.

Maryse is wrestling again – thank God. There are only so many Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox matches I can watch.

John Morrison’s ponytail makes him look like a ripped Stevie Richards. That’s not a good thing at all.

Shame on the WWE for not mentioning The Miz’s MITB win until one hour into the show. Maybe he should have started the night off with a promo. Perhaps, I’m just a Mizmark.

Miz for WrestleMania 27’s main event! Donald Glover for Spiderman!

Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne! It’s not like we haven’t seen this matchup before. Kudos to the WWE for giving Bourne a solid push but I cannot see any of the top heels except for Jericho take a loss from Bourne. Just don’t see it.

Decent albeit a tad long match between the two. The Miz’s almost cash-in was way more exciting. Miz vs. Orton would also work for Summerslam as a feud started to brew a few weeks ago.

Well that explains what the Bella Twins will do in weeks without a Guest Host.

Santino and Vladimir Kozlov are on-again.

Oh noes, Mark Henry got his wig split. Damn that Nexus!

If Cena were to turn heel and align with the Nexus, it would make for great television. But there is merchandise to sell and kids to brainwash, so it will never happen.

Cena has formed a team for Summerslam. Is it the Union? No, it’s Edge! It’s John Morrison! It’s the injured R-Truth! It’s the Great Khali! It’s Chris Jericho! And the final member… Bret Hart! Oh wow, it’s on for Summerslam!

By the way, kudos to Heath Slater for shitting a brick when the Great Khali was announced.

Excellent Raw this week! This week’s show was focused on new superstars and building Summerslam, had some quality wrestling, and kept the bullshit to a minimum (not surprising with a lack of a guest host). Let’s see if the WWE can keep up this momentum over the next month! Hell, I’d be satisfied if it lasts through next week.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Biten’ Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

TNA is trying to bring in Jerry Lynn to face Rob Van Dam in the main event of Hardcore Justice: One Last Stand.

If it is only a one-time deal, then Jerry Lynn would be a suitable candidate to face RVD. If TNA wants to use this invasion to actually lead to something bigger, then this is definitely not the way to go. Then again, no one wants to watch RVD vs. Abyss anyway.

Tommy Dreamer is indeed injured as he tore his MCL at last week’s TNA Tapings.

One day, I knew fellatio would lead to an injury. I was just hoping it would happen first to Maryse.

After his recent back surgery, all of Hulk Hogan’s matches are off the books.

But who will then rid TNA of all the evil ECW members?

THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)

Kudos to the internet for truly making Lebron James into the Hollywood Hogan of the NBA. Last week, I thought it was clever to use the Bash at the Beach clip to show the eerie similarities between Lebron’s heel turn and Hogan’s turn. Turns out someone took it one step further as seen below:

Yes this was posted on the 411Mania website over the weekend. It still kicks ass a few days later.

JEFF SMALL’S DECISION – WEEK 1

Last week I mentioned how Lebron’s decision got me thinking of my own contract status at 411Mania. On August 13th, my 411Mania writer’s contract ends. On that date, I will be a free agent. Should I re-sign with the website that has brought me tons of fame and has stuck with me through some really shitty news reports? Or should I jump ship and become the man at another website?

In the last week, I have been in contact with a few other websites listening to their pitches as to why I should join their sites. Due to the respect I have for 411Mania, I will only refer to them by Website A, Website B, or Website C.

Website A used to be a highly reputable site before pop-ups turned everyone away. Originally, I had no interest in even thinking of joining this site due to a well publicized argument with the owner at the Midway sponsored TNA Impact party weekend. However, once the website told me I could go “Elite” and order a few of their pop-ups (hurray enlarged penis!), I am now interested in listening to their full pitch.

Website B is looking for a star to finally take down the 411 Juggernaut. The site has tried in the past by hiring former writers but failed to even make a dent. Now that most of the “old guard” has retired, they need a superstar to give the site a pulse. This website is throwing a ton of money at me.

Finally there’s Website C. This website has not gone public yet but the owner has convinced me that it will at some point. I am not really sure what the owner needed my credit card for but he seemed trustworthy. Since then, I have not yet heard back from the owner.

Next week, I will unveil the last two Websites that have contacted me along with my first cut. With only a few weeks to go before August 13th, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Until then…

For the Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!