The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 09.14.10

INSERT WITTY TEASER HERE

I honestly have nothing of note to write for my opening this week. Good thing, I stole Meehan’s Monday Night Football idea or else, I’d really be up a creek without a paddle.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Who’s ready for some football?

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news reports that toasts for the douchebags, the Small-For-All News Report! In today’s news report, we speak on escort services, meat lovers, and anything goes situations – sounds eerily similar to my Friday night! In addition, we take a look at the potential ratings downfall for Monday Night Raw as it goes up against the juggernaut known as Monday Night Football.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

KNEE

From Dot.net, “The word in early 2010 was that WWE star Rey Mysterio was putting off knee surgery to work through the WrestleMania 26 pay-per-view event. When that event came and went and he was still wrestling, the assumption was that he was going to hold off surgery by working through SummerSlam.

However, Dot Net has learned that there are currently no plans for Mysterio to undergo surgery. Rather, he received cartilage injection a while back, which has alleviated the pain he was experiencing.”

Mysterio is either the toughest son of a bitch for working through knee pain since God knows when or the dumbest son of a bitch by not just taking the surgery and come back for the Royal Rumble. Mysterio has been through a ton of knee problems throughout the course of his career thanks to the pounding he takes in the ring. Even though he has curtailed his high flying throughout his WWE career, his style has caught up with him on numerous occasions. At age 35, Mysterio knows that he does not have many more years left in the business and instead of taking more time away, he’s trying to earn as much as he can before his body gives up on him. This is most likely the reason why it seems that Mysterio is in a contract dispute almost every year!

Now if I were Mysterio, I would have elected to get the surgery. Sure you lose a few PPV payouts but it’s better than doing injections and living your retired life with a cane. Then again, the cane works very well for Vinny’s Uncle Nino…

What, you expected another Jersey Shore gif? Not this week, kiddos.

Leisure Suit Vinnie

This is not a business journal. I am not JP Prag. Nor am I Jim Cramer. Rather, I am just a simple man that enjoys the simple things in life – ice cream, meteor showers, and naked Kathy Bates in About Schmidt. But every once in a while, I am asked about matters that are a tad more important than Half Baked froyo. Business matters. Sure buyrates are fun to talk about and so is TNA’s never-changing 1.1 TV rating but sometimes you have to talk about the important stuff. Like suits and countersuits.

From the Republican American, “reports that a French company, Sun City, Inc., is suing WWE for $21.6 million. The suit is over counterfeit WWE merchandise which Sun City bought from a company called J.F. Ramos. While the company is suing WWE after it was discovered that they were given counterfeit merchandise, that isn’t the end of the story.

WWE is suing J.F. Ramos, a company based out of Portugal, and had the license to distribute WWE merchandise. WWE is requesting that their licensing agreement be severed and that Ramos be responsible for any legal costs in the French lawsuit. WWE claims that Ramos misappropriated paperwork for items the company did approve to be licensed, and that they also forged new paperwork in order to move additional shirts and other apparel that WWE did not give company approval for, without WWE’s knowledge.

WWE claims in their suit that they sent a cease and desist letter to Sun City over the unlicensed material, Sun City went to Ramos for proof the items were officially licensed and claimed, “Ramos, in response, deceptively created fraudulent approval sheets (based on prior forms where WWE had, in fact, denied Ramos approval for the distribution of certain products), and provided these fraudulent approval sheets to Sun City.”

Personally, I am fucking confused about what I just read. My simple mind cannot handle this bullshit. So there is no sense in trying to make out the sides of this argument. Rather, I shall go directly to my ruling.

I hereby declare the WWE as the losers of this argument. If they were smart enough to stick with a United States company instead of the Portuguese, then they would not be in this mess. Could you really trust the Portuguese to do your bidding when their only WWE superstar was the fucking Portuguese Man o’ War? Seriously, if I were Portuguese and I grew admiring Justin fucking Credible, I would want to slit my wrists and learn to hate America. The WWE should only be so lucky that the Portuguese were dumb enough to only go after counterfeit merchandise instead of doing more nefarious deeds. Like kidnapping and broadcasting the execution of a WWE official which would allow them to steal a nuclear override to melt down powerplants which would lead to shooting down Air Force One which would lead to getting a hold of a nuclear football which will allow the Portuguese to shoot a missle at Titan Towers – all in a single day of course. OR do what I would do – hack into John Cena’s Twitter account and post dick pictures.

Back to Black

Tyler Black recently did an interview with the UK Sun about his decision to sign with the WWE. In it he states, “To be honest, and no disrespect meant, but it wasn’t a hard decision to make. You have to want to test yourself against the best and WWE is the pinnacle of our industry. They were actually the last to make me an offer. I was renegotiating with ROH and TNA had made an offer, but when WWE came in it was no contest.”

I honestly do not know much about Tyler Black as I’d rather watch Tosh.O or really anything than ROH television but the reviews of his matches seem pretty positive. That said, does he have a character that the fans can relate to? Because all the snowflakes in the world will not help Tyler Black in the WWE. I can only count on one hand the really awesome WWE CM Punk matches (vs. John Morrison on ECW (title win), vs. Rey Mysterio at Armageddon 08, and vs. Jeff Hardy at Summerslam 09). But man, can CM Punk work the mic and make any storyline convincing! Even recent NXT breakout superstars like Daniel Bryan and Kaval have shown enough mic skills to get the crowds to care for them – something that Paul London was unable to do.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all of your favorite sources:

Matt Hardy is disputing the internet claim that he was sent home during the recent WWE European Tour.

I’d comment but I think the entire WWE Universe is tired hearing about Matt Hardy. Hey, remember when people wanted him to return in 2005? Yeah, such a long time ago.

A No Holds Barred stipulation is expected to be added to the Undertaker vs. Kane match at Night of Champions.

Smart move as I doubt many people would be interested in a straight-up Taker vs. Kane match. The last quality singles match between the two men was at WrestleMania 14, many moons ago. A No DQ stipulation will allow both men to work in some weapons shot and will also allow the WWE to book a funny ending (say, Jack Swagger interference) to let Kane escape with the championship belt.

Beth Phoenix visited Dr. James Andrews yesterday for a progress report on her knee. She hopes to be back in the ring soon.

With the Women’s and the Diva’s titles about to merge at Night of Champions, it would be a smart time to inject the Glamazon back into the Women’s picture. Hell, bring her back as a heel to work with Melina one more time. I doubt anyone would object to that.

The reason why Aloisia, the 6’9″ Diva, was pulled from NXT was not due to provocative pictures but rather that there are pictures that can link to her to an escort service.

I must say that I have seen enough Cathouse and I definitely think that there is a market for sex with a giant lady. If midgets can do work getting it in, then so can giant ladies. Power to the people!

No Raw Thoughts this week as I am too busy watching the first week of Monday Night Football. Judging from the Raw comments, it appears that I am not the only one. To which I say, how much of an effect will this year’s Monday Night Football schedule have on Monday Night Raw? Last year, my retired cohort John Meehan decided to test out his hypothesis and found out that it was pretty easy to tell that the better NFL matchups did cause a reduction in the Raw rating. With Meehan retired, I decided to try my luck at it this year. Here are my predictions for the Monday Night War!!!

Week 1 – Raw Roulette vs. Jets vs. Ravens & Chiefs vs. Chargers

Small’s Prediction – Expect Raw to take a bit of a hit as the Jets vs. Ravens is a highly anticipated matchup between two of last year’s Wild Card Teams. The latter game should not effect Raw’s rating as not many people outside of KC really care about the Chiefs. Last week’s Raw Rating (not Labor Day) – 3.5. This week’s Raw rating – 3.2

Week 2 – New Orleans at San Francisco

Small’s Prediction – Perhaps if the 49ers did not look like chumps against the lowly Seattle Seahawks would make this matchup a bit more exciting. As it stands, the Saints should easily wallop on the undermanned 49ers. Sure people love the Saints but only against good competition. In addition, it is the Raw after Night of Champions, one of the better selling B-shows, so I’d expect a bump here. Raw rating – 3.4

Week 3 – Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears

Small’s Prediction – Another matchup of a quality football team against a mediocre team. I’d predict another 3.4 rating for Raw.

Week 4 – New England at Miami

Small’s Prediction – Good matchup here as the Dolphins usually give the Patriots problems. Both teams should be fighting for the top spot in the AFC East and pose a small threat to the WWE Universe (coming off of the HITC PPV). Raw Rating – 3.3

Week 5 – Minnesota at New York Jets

Small’s Prediction – Another good matchup featuring Brett Favre and the NY Jets. Expect Raw to have some issues here. Raw Rating – 3.1

Week 6 – Tennessee at Jacksonville

Small’s Prediction – Not the best matchup for Tennessee, which might be in the Playoff picture. Raw rating – 3.4

Week 7 – NY Giants at Dallas

Small’s Prediction – Now here’s a great MNF matchup. I expect Raw to have some issues here. Raw rating – 3.0

Week 8 – Houston Texans at Indy

Small’s Prediction – Yikes, back to back tough weeks for Monday Night Raw. With Houston knocking off Indy already this year, it should only fuel fire to this return match. I’d expect Raw to hit its MNF low this week. Raw rating – 2.7

Week 9 – Pittsburgh at Cincinnati

Small’s Prediction – A grudge match featuring two small market teams. I’d expect Raw to have a modest gain here. Raw rating – 3.0

Week 10 – Philadelphia at Washington

Small’s Prediction – Another hot NFC East matchup with a built-in storyline of Vick vs. McNabb. I’m there. Raw rating – 2.8

Week 11 – Denver at San Diego

Small’s Prediction – I don’t expect much from Denver this year. So this matchup might not look as appealing as it did before the season began. Raw needs a tad bit of love here coming out of Survivor Series. Raw rating – 3.1

Week 12 – San Francisco vs. Arizona

Small’s Prediction – Finally, Raw wins! Raw wins! Raw wins! Actually, it will just hit its MNF ratings high. Raw rating – 3.4

Week 13 – New York Jets at New England

Small’s Prediction – If the Jets can get their offense on track, then this will be a great matchup. If not and the Jets are struggling, then I don’t expect much out of this one. Raw rating – 3.2

Week 14 – Baltimore at Houston

Small’s Prediction – I like this matchup. I don’t think America will so much. Raw rating – 3.4

Week 15 – Chicago at Minnesota

Small’s Prediction – I hope it snows. If not, epic fail. Raw rating – 3.4

Week 16 – New Orleans at Atlanta

Small’s Prediction – Eh, not the Christmas gift I was hoping for here. Raw rating – 3.3

Overall, I’d expect Raw to end up right where it started after the season ends. It’s a good thing that their most important season is from January – March, away from Monday Night Football. While only the top MNF matchups will pose issues for Raw, here’s hoping that the quality of their shows are newsworthy to attract fans that might be teetering between MNR and MNF.

And for that Wall of Text, you are will now receive…

And if that was not good enough, it’s time for…

THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)

I must admit that outside of Monday Night Raw, South Park, and the NBC Thursday Night Lineup, there are few programs that I look forward to weekly. That said, one of my favorite shows is the Amazing Race. While I have always preferred Celebreality to Reality TV, the Amazing Race has consistently been of a high quality season after season. Over the weekend, I got to witness one of the teaser commercials for the upcoming season and let me just say, one part of it hurts so good. BEHOLD – when watermelon launchers go bad!

Shit, it’s not even better in slow motion.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Biten’ Newsbites

Because it’s tough to have “newsworthy” stories when three shows were taped last week.

Team 3D has not re-signed with TNA but rather will work some Northeast dates in NYC, Philly, and NJ this month. There is a good chance that the team will be taking a break from wrestling.

Make no mistake about it – Team 3D is stale. This is no surprise considering Team 3D is one of a few teams that have spent their entire career together. Sure there was the disastrous 2002 singles run for both men, but that did not last long. I’d like for Team 3D to take some time off and make amends with the WWE so they can be inducted into a future Hall of Fame. They definitely deserve it.

Dixie Carter is promising change and not a big surprise on the upcoming Live TNA Impact on October 7th.

Shall I make a new Obamicon for this occasion? Honestly, I’m tired of TNA’s surprises and changes – just go out there and be an alternative to the WWE.

Kevin Nash went crazy on Twitter and has apparently decided to move on from TNA.

This all started with RVD’s comments about how he and Jeff Hardy are rock stars and are there to save TNA. Nash took offense to this since he is bigger than both men (which is true since he’s seven feet tall). Nash also was Super Shredder and tore his quad walking in the ring. That alone makes him way more interesting than RVD and Jeff Hardy.

If Hyatte was still around, he’d probably be mourning the loss of Kevin Nash. But thankfully I am not him.

Cue the hating below!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

It’s been a while since we had a Swayze Malebag so that should return next week. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!