The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 09.21.10

Sainz of Time

Since I am using my 411 news reporting to launch me into a career in football journalism (you guys got me there!), I would be remiss if I did not speak upon the biggest football story since Ben Roethlisberger “allegedly” raped some chick in a bathroom stall – last week’s heinous treatment of Mexican news reporter Ines Sainz by the rowdy New York Jets football team. In case you were living under a rock and did not hear about this, let me recap it via pictures.

Ines Sainz = hot piece of ass

PLUS

Horny football players

EQUALS

99 Problems involving a Bitch!

The fallout from the immature behavior of the NY Jets football team towards Sainz is that the team has to pay for a mandatory proper workplace conduct program for all 32 football teams. Hilarious, I know.

Thankfully, we do not see these sort of issues in the WWE (woah, is this wrestling talk in a wrestling news report?) as the company has strict guidelines between who can interview inside of Superstars’ locker rooms. In years past, we have seen interviewers including Michael Cole and Kevin Kelly being refused admittance inside, for example, the Rock’s locker room. Instead, the Rock opted to do his interviews in front of the door.

In fact, the majority of backstage interviews now come from a dedicated interviewing area. We do not seem to get many glimpses inside of the locker rooms, allowing for the Superstars to have their privacy during the TV tapings. And when we do, it is normally inside of the men’s locker room. In fact, I can only recall a few times when the viewers really got a glimpse inside the women’s locker room – all were many years ago and all contained highly disturbing images of foul conduct.

These times include:

The First Ever Women’s Hardcore Match

Dean Malenko: Peeping Tom

Layla’s WWE Initiation at Summerslam 2006

As you can see above, thank God, the WWE does not allow access into the women’s locker room anymore! Those actions were indecent, filthy, lewd, and offensive. I am so glad that the WWE has cleaned up their act by conforming to PG standards. We can only hope that after the Ines Sainz incident in the NFL, Commissioner Roger Goodell reaches out to Vince McMahon to learn how to clean up their act. That smut would not be tolerated in any sport.

This message was paid for by the Linda McMahon for Senate Campaign.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

I sold out, bitches!!!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, yes, I know I promised a Swayze Malebag this week but honestly, outside of much bitching about my choice to watch the Monday Night Football game over Monday Night Raw, there really was not much to respond to. Regarding my viewing decision, I still stand by it. I had way more interest watching the Jets/Ravens game than last week’s Raw Roulette. So I chose to watch MNF. It’s not like I am a Raw Recapper. Hell, I only do Raw Thoughts since it made complete sense – I normally watch Raw during writing my news report so why not comment on it? All I learned last week was that you guys do enjoy my Raw Thoughts. So I am thankful for that. But I really don’t care if you are pissed that I missed “what appears to be” a largely forgettable Raw. Hell, the only dance-off I needed to see last week was the following:

Yes, Jersey Shore gifs are back. I hope you enjoy them because I do!

In today’s edition of the Small-For-All, we speak on a departing Jericho, a leaving Hardy, somas, the Pope’s heat, and the return of Raw Thoughts!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Leave

It appears that Matt Hardy’s time in the WWE is coming to a close… if he has his way. Clearly, Hardy is unhappy with being sent home from Smackdown’s recent European tour (for reasons unknown). Hardy stated immediately afterwards that he was not sent home, contrary to the WWE actually paying for his flight back home. But whatever.

Since then Hardy has become a Tweet Machine with numerous mentions of TNA, a newfound start, and business decision for his “Matt Hardy Brand.” While there have been many times when Hardy has tried to work the internet, it appears that this is not one of them. Hardy is unhappy and wants out. Only question is: “Will the WWE let him go?”

If Hardy has his way, he would have already been released from the WWE. But releases do not work that way. For Hardy is waiting for the plug to be pulled, only thing here is that the WWE can let him stay in his vegetative state until his contract does expire. Sure it’s not the most professional thing the WWE has ever done but really, the WWE has done some fucked up things in the past (released Dawn Marie when she was preggers, asked Big Daddy V to not wear a shirt, k***** **** ***t). What would stop them from being unprofessional here?

Thing is Matt Hardy is way less valuable under contract then he is as a free man. Sitting home keeps Matt away from a Hardy Boyz reunion in TNA (which would definitely happen). Sitting home keeps Matt off the road and out of the public’s eyes. Sitting home still allows the WWE to make money off of his merchandise.

Even so, I doubt the WWE is scared of Matt Hardy appearing in TNA. It did not stop them from releasing tons of other superstars over the years (including Kurt Angle, Shelton Benjamin, and Heidenreich) and it won’t stop them here. When is Hardy’s time up? We will find out soon enough.

Departure

Note: This was written before Monday Night Raw

On the other end of the spectrum is the speculation that Chris Jericho has not renewed his contract with the WWE and will be a free agent soon. PWTorch stated that Jericho’s last date was on Sunday at Night of Champions even though Jericho has gone on record (err… Twitter) to state that the Torch is wrong (shocking I know).

If Jericho has indeed wrestled his last month (for the interim) with the WWE, then I hope people do not remember him from the 90 seconds he was in the Six Pack Challenge. On one hand, his early elimination totally fit the continuing storyline of Jericho putting his mouth first and being unable for his actions to match his words. On the other hand, if Jericho really is taking a break, one would have liked one final Lionsault or a “C’mon Daddy” foot pin. Jericho has been such a bright spot in the WWE since his return in 2007. Hell, the Jericho vs. Michaels saga could easily have led to its own DVD.

Speaking of which, for if this is the end of Jericho, then at least, finally, we have a DVD to celebrate his career. The match listing was posted on the newspage over the weekend and it looks to be of high quality. Here’s to you Chris Jericho!

At least we have the return of Booker T. I’m just kidding. He’s not coming back, suckas.

Stop and Go

Last week, the WWE made a substantial change to their Wellness Policy by recently prohibiting muscle relaxers including somas. Here are the full changes to the WWE Wellness Policy:

H. Muscle Relaxers (On the list of Prohibited Drugs)
The non-medical use of drugs belonging to this class, including, but not limited to, carisoprodol (Trade name Soma® and others) and meprobamate (Trade name Miltown®, Meprospan® and others) is prohibited. The “non-medical use” of drugs belonging to this class is prohibited. Regardless of whether there is a prescription, the use of muscle relaxers known under the generic name carisoprodol (Trade Name Soma ® and others) and/or meprobamate (Trade name Miltown® and others) will be considered a non-medical use for purposes of this Policy and is prohibited.

14. DISCIPLINE FOR VIOLATION OF LAW
Any WWE Talent, who is arrested, convicted or who admits to a violation of law relating to use, possession, purchase, sale or distribution of drugs will be in material breach of his/her contract with WWE and subject to immediate dismissal.

In addition to the penalties that may be imposed pursuant to his/her contract with WWE, a violation of this Section 14 may also be treated as a positive test for drugs prohibited by this Policy and therefore, subject to the penalties set forth in Section 15 of this Policy.

This is a huge step in the right direction for the WWE as muscle relaxers have done a lot of damage over the years. When mixed with alcohol and other concoctions, somas are deadly. Sure some wrestlers will not be happy with this decision but it’s something that the WWE should have done years ago. At least, better late than never.

One must wonder if the WWE’s recent change to their Wellness Policy coincides with Matt Hardy being sent home from the European Tour…

Hmm…

Note: This is purely speculation.

Biten’ Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

WrestleMania 27 tickets in Atlanta go on sale on November 13th.

Who’s coming with me? Seriously, no one wants to go to this year’s show.

Ted DiBiase debuted new theme music at Night of CHampions.

PRICELESS.

John Cena’s newest box office smash Legendary will be released on DVD exclusively in Wal-Mart stores on September 28th.

Wait for it…

No Raw Thoughts this week as I decided to watch my new favorite guilty pleasure. Introducing the first ever…

SAY YES TO THE DRESS RECAP

In tonight’s episode, Katie is self-conscious about her figure and wonders whether she can fit into her wedding dress. Will she?

And she finds a dress which she says YES to!!!

OMG, great episode.

I’m just kidding people. Let’s go ahead and recap Raw!

Of note, the hotel room I am staying in this evening does not have the USA Network. But instead of making excuses and letting down my Smallophiles for two straight weeks, I shall be streaming tonight’s Raw via nefarious means! Huzzah.

And we kick off Raw with the new WWE Champion, Randy Orton. Too bad Randy cannot get a word in before Sheamus interrupts with his rematch clause. Since there’s a PPV in two weeks, I’m fine with the quick build here. Sheamus vs. Orton at HITC.

Oh shit, Randy Orton has threatened his and Sheamus’s grandmother! Here’s hoping that they can be tied to poles inside Hell in the Cell.

Am I the only one still surprised at how over Orton is as a face? And he did it without Triple H!

Do you think that the Kennel from Hell might make a reappearance at the HITC PPV?

Yes, Dashing Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre are on Raw! My birthday wishes have been answered!

Cole’s heel persona is great here since this match has been pretty boring. The Hart Dynasty are not bad on commentary, though, and I look forward to a Hart Dynasty vs. Rhodes/McIntrye match at HITC.

Hey remember when Kozlov was a contender for the WWE Championship? Yeah, neither do I.

Chris Jericho mention. And he’s wrestling tonight!

Edge + Ryder + backstage = GOLD.

Oh noes, someone interrupted Daniel Bryan’s reading time! Someone’s gonna pay.

He’s alive. He’s alive. Chris Jericho is alive.

You know, Jericho vs. Morrison would make a nice Hell in the Cell match.

Michael Cole’s explanation of Parkour is awful. He should at least watch this video before explaining it:

Another good match, another loss for Jericho. His breakdown continues…

Excuse me, it’s time for the Miz Promo Time Goodness For All! Too short – I wish Miz could make fun of fat people for hours.

Daniel Bryan has new theme music and it’s “Ride of the Valkryies.” Interesting. You’d think royalities would have killed this one dead but I guess dead people don’t charge much for their songs… unless their 2Pac.

Good match between Bryan and Edge. The Miz’s interference was predictable and his beatdown went on for about three minutes too long. I understand there’s tons of hate between the two but Miz should have really put him down earlier.

Yes, Laycool on Monday Night Raw! Now my dreams are fulfilled.

Woah, not only am I shocked that Layla picked up a clean victory over Melina but she finished Melina off with Diamond Dust.

Chris Jericho is back to plug his new DVD (good thing I already did that above). Jericho also mentions that he has the GM’s IP address and is ready to blackmail him for title shots. Uh Jericho, I wouldn’t go announcing that aloud. Orton interjects and offers Jericho a match for next week – if Jericho wins, he gets a title shot but if he loses, well I’m not sure. Orton wasn’t really clear with the stips.

Fighting time for me and GET CRUNK!

And R-Truth has new entrance music too.

And there’s DiBiase’s new music. God, it’s an epidemic tonight.

It appears that R-Truth fucked up DiBiase once again. And in the ring, Eve hit a nice spinning neckbreaker to defeat the lovely and talented Maryse.

Who wrote the “I will have you” TitanTron message? Val Venis? Viscera? Mae Young? Tune into Raw to find out.

For the record, John Cena does not have new theme music.

Didn’t Cena already run the Nexus gauntlet weeks earlier? Or am I getting confused with the various Nexus vs. Cena matches that have headlined Raw over the last couple of months?

Slater succumbs to a FU. Otunga was small packaged. Tarver tapped to the STF. Shockingly Gabriel was able to not lose to Cena’s dropkick. Gabriel and Cena wrestle a solid match until Nexus interferes and the whole thing is thrown out. I don’t get it. Shouldn’t Cena vs. Barrett happen now? Or is this just the set up for HITC? Let’s find out…

If Cena loses to Wade Barrett at HITC, then Cena joins Nexus. But if Cena wins, Nexus is disbanded forever! Now that’s a quality stipulation for their HITC match. Too bad, the match quality will probably nothing better than average to good.

Overall, this week’s Raw was okay. It did a good job building up feuds (Orton vs. Sheamus, Cena vs. Barrett, Bryan vs. Miz, Tag Team Feud) for the Hell in the Cell PPV in two weeks but outside of that, not much happened. Sure Morrison vs. Jericho was a good match and I liked the short Edge vs. Bryan match but three of the four men have nothing going for them heading into Hell in the Cell. We’ll see what happens next week.

THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)

Introducing an alternative birthday song by “The League’s” Jon Lajoie. Yes, it was used in an episode last season and yes, this song is a year old, but hey, it’s new to me. And it might be new to you. Enjoy!

Oh yeah, I probably would not listen to it at work. But that’s just me.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

The Pope Has Heat

From the Torch, “According to sources within WWE, one of the reasons he was let go from the company two years ago was because many felt he let his push on the ECW brand get to his head. He was known to refer to himself in third person as “The Black Pope” once he achieved notoriety and it rubbed some people the wrong way. He has been exhibiting similar behavior in TNA as of late, which has some of his colleagues complaining. He didn’t do himself any favors by veering off script and cutting a 15 minute promo at a recent live event. Producer D-Lo Brown scolded him afterwards, with a number of wrestlers rolling their eyes at Dinero. “The Pope” has also developed a reputation for making himself look good at the expense of his opponents.

The Pope responded on his Twitter that his persona was not created until his TNA debut, which is technically wrong (as stated above). Look, I like the Pope but if he’s a diva then he should be reprimanded for it. That’s obviously up to the TNA producers to do so, which happened a couple weeks ago. Here’s hoping that Pope fixes his backstage character as his on-screen character is a winner and something that TNA can use to put over ex-WWE superstars in the future!

Biten Newsbites

Because TNA cannot have more than one major story per week.

TNA’s Jersey Shore characters debut at the live Oct 7th Impact!

And you people complain about my love for Jersey Shore! At least, they only appear sporadically in my news report. Y’all will be stuck with a 10 minute wrestling segment in a couple weeks.

Jeff Hardy will debut new music at Bound For Glory.

I hate when wrestlers change their theme music right before winning a championship match (see John Cena before WrestleMania 21). All it does is reduce their pop since the crowd will be stunned at the new sounds. At least, wait a few weeks until after winning the title! Gosh.

Dixie Carter has discussed bringing Scott Hall back once he completes rehab.

Man, Kevin Nash leaves and then Hall returns. Can’t they all just stay away? I just don’t see any value in Scott Hall in the year 2010. Unless he will be booked for a “Scared Straight” presentation at the next TNA Company Retreat.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Well, I lied last week about bringing back the Swayze Malebag. Let’s see if there’s enough goodness to respond to next week! Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!