The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 10.05.10

No One Nexus Should Have All This Power

I learned something important this weekend – not all football games are entertaining. Case in point – the Giants vs. Bears snoozefest. About 5 minutes into the game, I decided that I had enough of that abortion and decided to turn on the WWE’s Hell in the Cell PPV. And what a good decision that was!

I was able to see the end of the Randy Orton vs. Sheamus HITC match and decided that it was good enough to at least stay on through Cena vs. Barrett. I knew that Taker vs. Kane would suck since it sucked back in 1998, 2000, 2004 and last month so I had no interest in that one. Cena vs. Barrett was really the only reason why I wanted to tune in as I was intrigued at what would happen. And oh man, was I disappointed in the result!

How could the WWE have their best superstar side with the Nexus? Cena stands up for the kids, the tormented, and depressed – what will happen now that he’s nothing more than a follower? How could I look up to the man that values hustle, loyalty, and respect now that he’s part of the Nexus? He’s nothing more than a N in my book! You know, nagger since Cena now bothers me to no end!

WWE, this is fucked up. You have made me rescind my Chain Gang Mafia membership. My “You Can’t See Me” CD is now torn into pieces. I won’t ever buy deez nuts anymore. Fuck you Nexus and fuck you WWE (good thing Triple H is still cool).

To make matters worse, my roommate decided to videotape my reaction to Cena’s loss. And since I love you all with my entire heart, here is my reaction in all its glory.

Serves the kid right for wearing a Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick jersey!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that is one month away from its Fifth Year Anniversary, the Small-For-All! In today’s news report, we speak on Triple H going to bat (or should I say sledgehammer?) for Linda McMahon, how to make Smackdown more entertaining and whether Chris Jericho will be at WrestleMania 27! All this and Monday Night Raw thoughts!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Knock, Knock, Knockin’ on H’s Door

The big news of the week revolves around everyone’s favorite WWE office worker, Triple H. When he’s not booking the Edge vs. Computer feud, H has enough time to go politicking for his mother-in-law, Linda McMahon. Recently, H hit up Fairfield, CT to spread the word about Linda’s Senate campaign. Honestly, this is a smart idea because how could you say “No” to Triple H when he’s knocking on your door. And really, if you don’t answer your door, Trips knows how to break it down. Ha, that’s punny in many ways!

Here’s a picture of Triple H looking all menacing before asking voters to “Suck It!”

So slippery HHHs so slippery.

Entertaining Smackdown

From PWInsider, “WWE is planning to add a bit more of an ‘entertainment’ aspect to SmackDown after its move to Syfy. The company feels this will help the show get back to the “same level” as RAW.”

Absolutely. While Smackdown can claim to be the better wrestling show on most weeks, it’s clearly not as entertaining as Raw. It might have to do with the taped atmosphere and that spoilers are up for three days before the show. It might have to do with the lack of Miz on the show. Hell, it might have to do with a nonsensical Big Show push. Smackdown has the right talent on it – CM Punk, Jack Swagger, Kofi Kingston, etc – but none of them are in roles (outside of Punk) to really capitalize on it. Swagger’s rollercoaster push is the worst – he’s damn entertaining (see his recent All American-American homecoming) but he has not seen a consistent winning pattern since becoming champion.

But enough bitching. The real question here is “How can we make Smackdown more entertaining?” Well, here are my top five ways to get the show back on Raw’s level:

Number 5 – Replace Teddy Long as GM with Robosapien.

Number 4 – More accents in the main event. Raw has Sheamus and Barrett at the top. Smackdown does not. It’s time to push Kofi Kingston to the moon. Or at least rehire King Booker.

Number 3 – More realistic character development. Look as much as the kooky supernatural stuff from the Undertaker, I think his character should go catered to the common man. Seeing as he’s getting old, why not a Brett Favre character for him? Each week, he can contemplate retirement. Book it, WWE!

Number 2 – Guest hosts! I can’t believe that Smackdown does not have guest hosts. Imagine – next week on Smackdown, Sharktopus will host Friday Night Smackdown!

Number 1 – This guy.

Chris Jericho Does Not Care About Hotlanta

From the Wrestling Voice, “In terms of his future plans with World Wrestling Entertainment, Chris Jericho’s participation at WrestleMania 27 is currently in doubt due to his European tour with Fozzy. Jericho won’t be on TV around that time as he will be touring Malaysia and Japan. There are talks about a third book where he’ll likely discuss some of the angles he wants to forget, his favorite mic worker and John Cena.”

Sucks about Chris Jericho possibly missing WrestleMania. That said, there is a ton of opportunity for new wrestlers to be thrust into the spotlight at WrestleMania 27. Since this March’s show in Phoenix, the WWE has lost Jericho, Batista, HHH and HBK to hiatus/retirement. Those are some huge shoes to be filled. And really, it’s up to the WWE and those individual superstars to make us care. Guys like the Miz, Morrison, Kofi, Swagger, Barrett, etc need to step up and run with it, so WrestleMania can truly feel magical. If not, it will sadly feel like just any other PPV.

As for Jericho missing the show, let’s hope he’s back for WrestleMania 30 at MSG.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

No Tribute to the Troops show this year as the WWE has opted not to fly to Iraq. That said, the company is looking into a domestic version.

Here’s hoping the WWE still decides to do something with our troops even if it is on domestic soil. I understand that the travel is the toughest part for the WWE crew but the annual show is by far one of the best things the WWE does each year.

Tyler Black’s new name is Seth Rollins.

If you are curious to know what Black’s new character will be all about, leave it to me to uncover it for you!

And you’re new NXT superstar is…

We start Raw off with the real winners from yesterday night – and no, I don’t mean anyone that wanted a rehash of the end of the Boiler Room Brawl at Summerslam 96. I am talking about the NEXUS!

BIG SHOCKER – Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty were the mystery assailants! I wonder if Percy Watson drove the hummer. Oh yeah!

Okay so how was Wade Barrett never a FCW Champion? He is great on the mic, can work passable matches, and oozes charisma like woah. Kudos to him for running with the ball with the biggest push of his young career.

At least the “N” armband matches Cena’s purple and yellow shirt.

Oh man, all these kids look like they just found out that Santa Claus is not real. Or that they just watched Two Girls and One Cup.

Mark Henry & Evan Bourne vs. John Cena & Michael Tarver in an interracial tag team match is up next!

At least the WWE is smart enough to go to commercial while Tarver is in the ring. I love his intensity but his in-ring skills are subpar.

Man, John Cena is an awful tag partner. But hey this counts as a Cena loss in my Fantasy Wrestling League.

Cena’s now the Ultimate Non-Conformist? Somehow I think Stone Cold did it better. It must be the jorts.

Oh man, Cena is stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been there before and trust me, you need a lot of lube to get out.

Wow, the entire first two segments were dedicated to Cena vs. Nexus. This better draw ratings for the WWE. If not, we need Hornswoggle back.

Kudos to Melina for rushing back from injury only to be used in a Jackass backstage skit. But damn, was it a good one!

More Cena/Nexus intrigue! Let’s watch the WWE blow through three months of storylines in three weeks!

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus! Now there’s a great matchup. Too bad, Sheamus is showing no signs of ill since his HITC battle. Just a ton of ruthless aggression! Sucks there was no match.

Didn’t 50 Cent warn us about evil technology a few years ago?

So this Edge vs. Stupid feud is only being done to turn Edge face again? Because that’s what the fans were really clamoring? Oh, it’s just to bring Edge to Smackdown! Good call in my book.

Question – who did Raw receive for Edge? My guess is Vance Archer, Tyler Recks, and JTG.

Yes, the Miz has finally made an appearance! And he tells Edge who is boss! And something about a Bragging Rights tag team match. But I didn’t pick it up that quickly.

Yes, Laycool got their own mics! And yes, they are doing commentary during the match! I loved when Cade and Murdoch did this gimmick for a few matches on Sunday Night Heat! What, Laycool lost! What the fuck are the WWE writers smoking? Laycool is the best thing in the Divas Division. How dare they?

Maryse falling on Ted DiBiase wasn’t very PG. I’m not sure if this is new music for DiBiase but it totally does not fit his character. It is damn catchy though.

Johnny Knoxville is really trying to make a fast exit. I bet he still has nightmares from Umaga killed him years ago.

OMG, it’s Goldust! And surprisingly, he does not want DiBiase. Nor does he want Maryse. Rather, he wants the GOLD.

OMG, Triple H is still alive! Even Sheamus’s attack can’t keep Triple H away from the kids.

Poor Sheamus has to do double duty tonight. I wonder if he’s okay since his last match. Or the fact that he was in a fucking Hell in the Cell match the night before!

I don’t rate or comment on Battle Royals. Unless people actually die. Those are much cooler. Except for in the Condemned. That movie sucked.

While I love the Cena as a bodyguard storyline for the battle royal, it really made things very anti-climatic.

Kudos to the crowd tonight for really being into all of the “action.” Sure it was a storyline driven episode with not much action until the main event, but I enjoyed it largely because the crowd did. The crowd being so Pro Cena really helped sell the Cena/Nexus storyline that carried the show. Elsewhere, the fans were electric for Edge’s face turn and even cared slightly for Goldust. Really, the only thing that fell flat tonight was Laycool’s match but what do you expect?

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Biten Newsbites

Sadly, I could not find any “juicy” TNA storylines though it would not surprise me if I missed a Dixie Carter “huge surprise” tweet at some point over the weekend. Obviously with the live Impact on Thursday, the company is keeping most of their news close to their chests in anticipation for a big ratings increase. So we are left with these “nuggets.”

Kurt Angle was said to be upset over Abyss dropping him on his head during a recent iMPACT! match. It was considered a botched maneuver on Abyss’ part.

Considering all of Kurt’s neck issues in the past, I would not fault him for being angry. At least, he did not go all Randy Orton on Abyss and jettison him to the WWE.

In other Angle news, he knocked up his current fiancé (take that Karen Jarrett) and signed a one-year extension with TNA! Not a bad week for the Bald Eagle.

Ed Leslie as on a Miami radio show and stated that he is on his way to TNA to team with Hulk Hogan.

Yes the return of the Bootyman! Wasn’t I just talking about him last week? (I was.)

TNA Wrestling officials are hopeful that the disclosure of “They” at Bound for Glory will hook a number of fans to purchase the pay-per-view event. The widespread assumption amongst the TNA locker room is that “They” will be revealed as a combination of Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and possibly Jeff Jarrett.

Yawn.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, does Small watch Monday Night Raw or will he follow his team and watch the New York Jets take on the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football? Either way, someone will be pissed! Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!