The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 11.02.10

Happy Halloween

Here’s hoping that your Halloween was more memorable than mine. Not that I did not do anything; rather, I blacked out around 10PM and awoke the next morning having no idea how the hell I got home. So yes, it was a typical Saturday night for me. Only this time, I was wearing my “Bed Intruder” costume. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, indeed.

Before deciding upon the Antoine Dodson costume, I contemplating going as the one and only, Punjabi Playboy, the Great Khali. However, even though it is easy to find silk panjama pants, I could not find a good enough mask. Which led me to think – how come the WWE can market Rey Mysterio masks, Nexus Santa Hats (really), and tons of John Cena merchandise but no Great Khali masks? For us giants (or wannabe giants), it’s terrible that there are no wrestlers we can relate to and mimic for Halloween. Throw in my inebriated state and I could have easily maintained a Great Khali level of communication throughout the evening. It would have been perfect. Nice job, WWE!

In fact, if you were to search for The Great Khali merchandise on WWEShop.com, all you will find is a link to WWE Volume 9 and the WrestleMania 23 DVD. That’s all. Wow – talk about no motherfucking love. Then again, Khali has taken two sabbaticals this year including one that he is currently on at the moment. Since we haven’t talked about it yet, it only makes sense to include it with the return of the Khali-For-All!

Arise KHALI Arise!

Since being taken off of WWE storylines via a Nexus attack on his shoulder, the Great Khali has headed back to India to take part in the hit reality television show, Bigg Boss – the Indian version of Big Brother. You would think that one reality show would be enough for Khali, but no, he can take on many roles at once. Then again, he has received special treatment from Bigg Boss. First, while he still cannot communicate with the outside world, he can receive WWE Mobile texts. Second, fourteen chickens are scattered throughout the house daily for the Great Khali’s consumption. Furthermore, he has his own private shower! How fucked up is that? The whole fun of watching Big Brother (sorry, Bigg Boss) is to watch the roommates interact in the communal shower. But not for Khali – he has his own personalized washroom. What a guy.

Now will Khali win Bigg Boss – probably not! He’s easily the biggest target in the house now that Bunty was taken out on day 2 for putting socks over the cameras (as if?). Khali has his own special bed, eats before other contestants, and is damn sexy – why wouldn’t you want to take him out? Through week four, Khali is safe and only needs to last ten more weeks before he can finally return to the WWE.

You have to wonder how excited the WWE will be when Khali returns. Will they give him another main event push before WrestleMania? Will he come back only for comedy skits? Or will they better utlize his talents and create different movies for him? Off the top of my head, how awesome would a Twins remake be with Khali playing Schwarzenegger and Daniel Bryan playing the role of Danny Devito? Hollywood loves remakes, ya know. Or how about this – the Great Khali is in love with some girl. But the girl is actually a golden retriever or something. And they can call it “Puppy Love.” Genius, I know. You should just call me Awesome-O.

And hey, if Knucklehead or that Cena wrestling movie I have already forgotten about could have been greenlit, I am sure there is plenty of opportunity for the Great Khali. Just hopefully not in the wrestling ring.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Like a G6…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that cannot wait for the start of college basketball, the Small-For-All News Report. But don’t worry kiddies, college bball won’t get in the way of my Raw Thoughts. In addition to those, in today’s report, we cover tomorrow’s monumental election, two big injuries to the main event scene, the return of Val Venis, icing Ric Flair, expiring TNA contracts, and which Knockout still works at Hooters!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Election Day

While traveling through Connecticut last week, I passed by tons of posters, billboards, and flyers for Linda McMahon’s Senate campaign. Now while I am not a CT registered voter, I feel it is my duty to speak on the most important matchup since Goldust vs. Ted DiBiase Jr.

Originally, Linda’s campaign did not have a major effect on WWE programming. Sure, Shane left the company to help her campaign but Shane was not on the creative side and there has been no plummet in quality since he left. Only recently has the WWE turned up the “Linda McMahon” brainwashing with their Stand Up for the WWE campaign. From minor packages about the WWE performing in front of the troops to full blown Stand Up videos to a Fan Appreciation Day event in Hartford over the weekend, the WWE has really went on the offensive here.

But nothing could “stand up” to the WWE’s attack against wearing wrestling t-shirts to the voter polls. Granted the whole idea is silly – WWE t-shirts would instantly cause voters to be swayed to Linda McMahon. Because nothing says “I’m Awesome” like Linda McMahon, right? So the WWE fought back and actually got their t-shirts unbanned. Now the WWE could have stopped there but they aren’t ones for subtlety. In fact, the WWE planned to hand out free merchandise to all voters before going into the polls. Granted, it’s a nice way to save $25 on overpriced merch but it seems a little much.

I am not the only one who thinks this as the evil Department of Justice (from the Obama Administration) is ready to pounce on the WWE. For it is a criminal activity for the WWE to hand out t-shirts outside of the polling station! Vince McMahon can go to jail for this heinous and potentially life threatening act. Thankfully, Vince has wised up as t-shirts will NOT be handed before voting. And we all know that without t-shirts, Linda McMahon has no chance in hell of winning the race.

Aw what the hell do I know, I can’t vote in CT. But if you can, I would and I would base my vote on the issues and not on silly t-shirts.

BOO BOO KITTIE SNUGGLE BUNNIES

Two big injuries to speak of.

From the main page, “The WWE Creative team has been told CM Punk is out of physical storylines for at least three months due to his hip issue. But that doesn’t mean he is gone from TV, because they have also been told to come up with ideas for him in a non-wrestling role. One source says that Punk may be having surgery within the next week. It is said that Punk could work through the injury, but that it will only get worse and WWE management wanted him to get this taken care of. Right now Punk is not scheduled for TV this week, although that could quickly change.”

This would explain Punk’s random commentary during Daniel Bryan’s match last week. It sucks that Punk has been injured so much this year as he has been golden both on the mic and in the ring. He carried a feud with the Big Show for three months while nursing a shoulder injury and now, without his SES, he will probably be placed in a similar feud until he recovers from his hip injury. I agree with the WWE to let Punk get this taken care of now so he can return for WrestleMania. Punk’s been THAT important to the company this year as many veterans retired, left, or have taken time off.

“The Undertaker is expected to be out for the rest of the year with a shoulder injury. It’s believed to be a torn rotator cuff and could require surgery.”

We spoke about the Undertaker’s injury last week and this just confirms it. With Taker’s burial at the hands of Kane, I’d expect the feud to be revisited around January and hopefully settled before WrestleMania. Because God knows there cannot be a Taker/Kane III at Mania.

The Rise of the Venis

With two superstars down, the WWE has turned to resigning Val Venis to give the company a much needed spark. Venis, fresh off of stint in TNA, is scheduled to play a political spoof character and work with the younger talent during the upcoming European tour. Before Venis was released by the WWE last year, he was used as talent enhancement. That role should suit Venis well as he is a solid hand in the ring and has the ability of making lesser talent look much better in the ring. Case in point – take a look at Venis making an unknown CM Punk look great. I do believe this match had a lot to do with the WWE signing Punk.

Overall, smart pickup by the WWE.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Drew McIntyre has stated that he is willing to put his hair on the line in order to take on the Undertaker at WrestleMania.

Drew’s nowhere near over this year to go after Taker. It makes more sense to go with Cena/Taker this year and possibly build up Drew or another young superstar for the following year.

The WWE is planning on releasing a Best of Nitro DVD set for 2011. Also on tap is a Goldberg DVD.

Well with WrestleMania in Atlanta, this would be the year to get all nostalgic with the WCW brand. Just as long as they keep the Invasion storyline out of it.

FCW Superstar Cable Jones has been repackaged as Dr. Cable Jones, Chiropractor with a specialty in pain.

Yes, because it worked so well for Issac Yankeem. At least, the backstabber (rename it as the backcracker) is available as a finisher.

Randy Orton starts the show by calling out the “crooked ref” John Cena. Orton would rather be screwed now and not have to wait three weeks. Cena complains about having to get Barrett coffee in the morning.

DID YOU KNOW: Wade Barrett uses three creamers and Splenda in his coffee.

The GM chimes in to make a tag team main event. Joy!

Fresh off of their thrilling championship victory last week, the Nexus team of Slater and Gabriel are taking on the Hart Dynasty. Considering the WWE has already broken up their only other tag team on Smackdown, will this be the last time we see the Hart Dynasty together?

Where’s Natayla?

After their loss, the Hart Dynasty argues. My God, this is going to be the Hornswoggle/Chavo of tag team breakups.

R-Truth wants Cena to get buck tonight! With Cena now married, I bet he declines.

As much as I hate Santino’s win over Sheamus, it is funny to see a confident Santino promo in a while.

I am pretty sure Santino said he was going to make it rain before handing some singles over to Sheamus.

So why is Morrison beefing with Sheamus? Wouldn’t Sheamus have issues with Morrison since Morrison’s got that great tan? And will this lead to a Survivor Series tag team match?

R-Truth is starting shit between Cena and Orton. Now why can’t Pretty Ricky come back?

Mark Henry, of all people, is appearing in Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

LITA makes an appearance on Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Take that, Matt Hardy!

Woo woo woo, jobbed.

Tonight’s secret word is “ring.” I guess I can’t look at those leaked Kanye West pictures anymore.

My buddy Kegger (who just became a father) was looking forward to Pee Wee’s Playhouse. I think he needs some sleep.

So the Miz vs. Rey Mysterio matchup is replaced with Miz vs. Big Show. Lucky us.

I must admit that the match was definitely better than I expected. Though why is the Big Show always protected in singles matches? If you want him over a big face, dressing him up as Pee Wee’s family relative won’t help.

Maryse thinks Daniel Bryan is a nerd. Ha.

DiBiase with a Sky High. Oh you betta recognize!

Natalya with a dominant victory over Michelle McCool to force a third consecutive matchup against Laycool. You’d assume that the Divas Championship will finally change hands at Survivor Series.

Dr. Freddie Prinze Jr. is checking in on patient Vince McMahon. What the fuck?

Okay, so I really do not get the point of that entire skit. McMahon wakes up from his coma (from the Nexus attack months ago?) since he freaks out over Linda spending $50 on her campaign and the recent storyline developments. Then he decides he needs to shit. And then Steph wakes up from her dream only to be reminded that Vince is still in a coma. Wouldn’t there be a better way to promote Linda’s campaign or possibly not at all?

Man, Cena is as bad as a referee as Mike Chioda! You’d think he wouldn’t fall for heel tomfloolery.

Even with the odds stacked against Randy Orton, he still picks up the victory tonight.

Eh, this Raw was quite a letdown from last week’s good show. I guess Miz vs. Show was our match of the night which should tell you the quality of wrestling this week. Also, outside of the Cena/Nexus/Orton storyline, nothing else is being progressed fast enough with Survivor Series only three weeks away. Sure we can assume that Morrison vs. Sheamus will be addressed, but what else is going on in the midcard? C’mon Raw, we’ve seen better. Do better, next week.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Contract updates – Eric Young’s deal is up soon and he has been asked to take a paycut. Hernandez’s contract is up soon but he’s expected to stay around. Kiyoshi’s contract is also up but no one knows or cares about him.

I can understand if Young is upset with a pay cut (not saying he is) since he’s been involved in many superstars and is a frequent wrestler on most TNA PPVs. That said, Young would be smart to stay with TNA as he would be nothing more than a jobber in the WWE. As for Hernandez, he is also a talent TNA should hold on to. After meeting him a couple years ago, I can definitely say that he won’t be taking a pay cut.

The deal where Ric Flair keeps getting “iced” on iMPACT by his Fortune friends is based on the idea that TNA thinks someone being iced is cool and connects with the young male demographic that they’re trying to connect with.

I have been “iced” in the past and it’s definitely not cool. Sure it’s funny to see Flair get “iced” but will it be in a couple weeks?

TNA Knockout Miss Tessmacher, also known as Brooke Adams, reportedly works part-time as a waitress at a Hooters restaurant near her hometown of Houston, Texas.

That’s quite the dedication to her craft! I wonder why she doesn’t just work at one of the many Hooters in Florida near the Impact Zone but I am just a lowly internet reporter.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Tune in next week for the FINAL Small-For-All News Report! It’s my five year anniversary and I have decided to hang up my stilettos. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!