wrestling / Columns

The Wrestling 5 & 1 05.23.10: The Hangover Edition

May 23, 2010 | Posted by Ryan Merholz

BEFORE WE BEGIN…
Hello everyone and welcome to the Wrestling 5 & 1!!!

I am your host Ryan Merholz and I am on vacation in beautiful (and hot as balls) Las Vegas! Because I love all of you so damned much, I still sat down and hammered out a column (hammered, heh), so let that be a lesson to that sissy Small. I can say that because he probably doesn’t read this column.

But before we get into the thick of things, I’d like to take a few moments of your valuable time to give a select one of you a big middle finger! One particularly enthusiastic reader posted the following rant in the comments for last weeks column…

So if you “shit” on TNA why are you wasting my time?

It is fine that you like WWE better. I have gone on tirades as to why WWE blows at this point in time.

I will reiterate because I know everyone loves to read my well thought out, highly educated posts.

Cena v. Batista-terrible booking, cannot deny it, like gravity it is a fact.

Jericho and Miz-should be singles wrestlers, but they need tag-teams because the WWE destroyed that program the last few years.

UT and HHH rarely if ever losing; I understand why UT wins more often than not, but everyone knew he was leaving for awhile so the WWE had him bury the IC champ and beat Swagger, great booking WWE, HHH needs no explanation.

John Morrison equals zero charisma.

Hornswoggle

Edge has been a disaster in his return, that is fact just like the USSR collapsed.

I applaud the WWE for trying to creat new stars lately but how long will that last due to the abysmal ratings?

I have a lot more to say-the dead crowds and piped in sound. The sticking up for Cena when everyone knows that guy is played out like Vanilla Ice. But I will end on the “D” List celebrities that take away valuable wrestling time while Ryan and 411 and WWE sheep salivate over, I mean I love seeing Jerry Springer, Bob Barker, Flavor Flav-God it is so freaking “Sweet!!”

Oh and the 20 minutes of time taken up by video packages advertising the SAME SHIT every show-Superstars is 30 minutes of that, and so is NXT, I feel like I am watching a walking, talking advertisement-it is bullshit.

Oh and 411 and everyone else bitched that Douglas Williams lost his title and yet the same type of thing is occurred with McIntyre, where is the outrage? Especially seeing as Williams is a far better personality and wrestler than that douche.

So Ryan, if you want real analysis I will gladly write this column, I will keep sticking up for the underdog, warts and all, while you lemmings keep dry humping the Evil Empire.

Posted By: JudeLuke (Guest) on May 16, 2010 at 12:48 AM

First off JudeLuke, thanks very much for reading the column. I really appreciate your feedback!

That said, I really don’t understand this whole thing, seeing as it seems to go completely against what I said last week. I specifically stated that my current dislike for TNA really had NOTHING to do with being a WWE fan. I really do appreciate the fact that something in my column compelled you to voice an opinion on the site, I just wish it fit the context of my writing, yknow? Try doing that next time…

Still though, I guess we found something I can do next time there’s no Worth Your Wealth, and that’s explaining to JudeLuke exactly why I don’t worship the ground TNA walks on. I’d even like to invite you to email me something to post in opposition.

So if you’re reading again this week JudeLuke, please shoot me an email at [email protected] and give me some exposition on why you’re a fan of TNA, what you like about their product, etc, and I will use it in the column a few weeks from now.

For the rest of you, sorry for the tangent – back to business…

If you think I’m as swell as I do, you should follow me on Twitter!

www.twitter.com/411RyanMerholz

Learn cool things about me maybe, and at the very least, stock up on real life wrestlers to follow yourself!

Probably follow the rest of the fine 411 Twitter feeds as well…

http://www.twitter.com/411mania
http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma

Alright, let’s get this show on the road!

WHO SAID WHAT?

Last week the Ultimate Warrior (Warrior) went bat shit crazy all over “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase due to DiBiases’ comment that Warrior did not belong in the WWE Hall of Fame.

This week, The Sun newspaper posted a response to the meltdown that they received from DiBiase himself. Here’s the full story:

The Million Dollar Man upset his former colleague when he said he did not belong in the WWE’s Hall Of Fame.
Yesterday The Sun told how Warrior posted a 4,783 word diatribe on his website in reply, in which he repeatedly laid into Ted’s wrestling career and religious values – labelling him “Satan’s Pig”.
He said DiBiase had a “palpable hatred” towards him and was bitter because Warrior made more money and, supposedly, was a better worker.
He also accused Ted of being “a despicable hypocrite” for a former lifestyle that including cheating on his wife and for recently working for WWE, despite criticising some of the raunchier aspects of the product.
DiBiase, now a Christian Minister and devoted husband and father, has emailed his 10-point reply.
He writes: “1. I don’t hate anybody. I don’t hate Jim, I just don’t have much respect for him.
“2. I never said that Vince asked my opinion about him being inducted into the HOF. I said IF I’d been asked, I would have said no.
“3. I don’t need Jim to tell me about my lack of discipline, I wrote a whole book about it and barred my soul.
“4. I didn’t leave the WWE for any reason other that I wanted to. I left the second time because I didn’t want to be on the road anymore and to be at home with my family more. I left the third time because I’m not very ‘creative’.
“5. I have a very full life now and am not destitute or a broken down wrestler who’s bitter about the past.
“6. The WWE is well aware of my discontent with some of their former programming.
“7. Yes Jim, you disciplined your body and I’m fat. But then, I can work (in the ring) and you can’t.
“8. You NEVER led me in a match at any time and you know it.
“9. My problem with Jim is his arrogance. He’s got to have his own room to sign autographs in, won’t stay at the same hotel with the rest of the boys, demands to have people taking care of his every need at all his appearances, things like that.
“10. I’ve openly admitted my mistakes and shortcomings to the world, but I guess you still haven’t made any! I guess all of the highly successful guys on the DVD were wrong, and you are right?”

I think my favorite thing about the whole situation is that Warrior honest to God tries to claim that he’s a better in-ring worker than ANYBODY ON EARTH. Honestly, people who shit all over Scott Steiner in WWE should have watched some more Warrior shit.
You’ve also got to hand it to Ted DiBiase for really sticking it to Warrior, as pretty much all of his comments sound pretty spot on.
I know some of you might piss and moan that Ted started all this when he made the HoF comment to begin with, but can you really blame the guy for answering a question with an honest answer?
Then again, can you really blame a coke-head for going apeshit over it either?

VS.

Last week’s contest was between Zach Ryder’s Betty and Veronica, Gail Kim vs Alicia Fox. This weeks result was not as close as most, Alicia Fox defeated Gail Kim by a final count of 39 – 28!

Thanks to everybody who voted!

This week I went with a battle of the non-wrestling but still wrestling-related ladies, a couple of interviewers/valets/wtfever…

So Cal Val VS. Christy Hemme

VOTE IN YOUR COMMENT!

5 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT…CARLITO

Say sayonara to Carribean Cool, he was released Friday…here’s a few things you can take with you for your scrapbook!

1. Carlito is the eldest of four siblings, only one of which did not enter the wrestling business.

2. His decision to sign with WWE earned him harsh criticism in the Puerto Rican wrestling community, as they felt he had sold out his heritage for the flash and flair of an American company.

3. Carlito holds dual citizenship in Puerto Rico and Canada.

4. While training in OVW, WWE forbade him from wrestling a scheduled bout at a World Wrestling Council event against Abyss, due to the fact that Abyss had just signed with TNA.

5. Like Chris Masters, nobody ever told him that abusing wellness doesn’t necessarily get you pushed. Unless you have dancing manb00bs. And even then it lasts like a day.

Wah wahhhhhhhhhhh….

WRESTLING TWITTER A-GO-GO

Couple things I thought worth posting from the world o’ twitter this week, the first coming from Beth Phoenix:

“All done!! They said they used extr parts from RoboC op’s knee surgery and spare tissue from a Liger. I feel great!!”

Beth had surgery on Tuesday and is going to be on the shelf for around 6 months, here’s hoping her a speedy and full recovery (cuz lord knows I can’t take much more of Michelle McCool). Also nice to see that why anesthesia can really fuck with your ability to type on a mobile phone, it apparently gives you the ability to combine references from completely different types of movies that make nearly perfect sense!

And here’s one I saw today from Chris Jericho:

“Tony Stark just said Assclown in Iron Man 2. So do I get a royalty…?”

Just thought it was funny. I’ve been saying “Assclown” since I first saw Jericho use it on TV circa 2000 and nobody tweets about THAT…

VIDEO A-GO-GO

This week you’re all in for a special treat, cuz I couldn’t decide if I should post the awesome video or the WTF video – so here’s both!

First, the awesome – Daniel Bryan Danielson returns to NXT to speak his peace and bitchslap Vintage Cole:

I know this is the second week I’ve pimped Bryan Danielson, but as somebody who has honestly not seen much of the guy prior to NXT, this whole thing is really helping me get into the guy. I especially love that they’re bound to be intent on actually doing something with him for allowing him to say some of the shit he said. Really excited to see what’s next!

Now for the WTF – Shelly Martinez (Ariel in WWE, Salinas in TNA) posted this video, the official debut of her new “Superhero character”, Sprinkels:

Yep.

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Tonight is WWE Over the Limit, and you know what that means! It’s time foooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Presents:

Preview
First, as always, we start off with our super-scientific formula for calculating the projected worth of each part of the show. Keep in mind I round things to the nearest nickel, so as not to piss myself off. Oh, and for the purposes of this column, I don’t have HD and neither do you.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
P = 2(A)x + 1.5(B)x + 1(C)x + 0.1(P)

Ten-percent of the PPV price accounts for non-wrestling related activities, such as in-ring promos, backstage segments, video packages, etc. Aside from that, A B and C represent the different classes of matches on the card:

Class C: Filler matches with little to no solid build behind them.
Class B: Secondary, but still significant matches that were well-promoted prior to the show.
Class A: The main event, as well as other high-profile, heavily promoted matches on the card, usually involving the major titles.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
The Breakdown (as I see it):

Class C: R-Truth vs. Ted DiBiase, Eve vs. Maryse

Class B: The Hart Dynasty vs. Chris Jericho and The Miz, Drew McIntyre vs. Kofi Kingston, Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

Class A: John Cena vs. Batista, Jack Swagger vs. The Big Show, Edge vs. Randy Orton

The Calculation (as the universe sees it):

45 = 2(3)x + 1.5(3)x + 1(2)x + 0.1(45)
45 = 6x + 4.5x + 2x + 4.5
40.5 = 12.5x
x = 3.25 (rounded to the nearest nickel)

The Result (as you will see it):

Class A: $6.50
Class B: $4.90
Class C: $3.25
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So how does the show shape up?

WWE Diva’s Championship: Eve Torres (c) vs. Maryse

The driving point of this feud thus far has been that Maryse is off her game and isn’t “trying hard enough” to compete with Eve? Doesn’t really make for a very compelling match-up. I would imagine they’ll play off that in the match and we’ll see Eve retain the title here.

Price Tag: $3.25

Ted DiBiase (w/ Fucking Virgil!) vs. R-Truth

DiBiase pretty much has to go over here if there is any hope in getting his new gimmick off the ground. He can’t very well come out with Virgil, claim he’s got money out the wazoo and can do anything – just to lose in his first serious match.

R-Truth is kind of in the place now where the loss won’t hurt him, the guy is pretty much over either way.
All things considered, I’ll say Ted DiBiase picks up the win here, probably thanks to help from Virgil.

Price Tag: $3.25

Intercontinental Championship: Drew McIntyre (c) vs. Kofi Kingston

No secret that I hate the shit out of Drew, but I have to admit that this angle has worked nicely and done exactly as intended in that it makes me hate the shit out of him even harder.

At some point the guy is going to need to get over on his own merit, from a storyline standpoint, meaning he needs to actually earn the win here. I’d really like to see Kofi pick up the title here, but I really don’t think we’ll see a title change.

Losing the title now wouldn’t do squat to get Drew over, and that seems to be what they’re intent on doing.

Looks like Drew McIntyre retains from where I’m sitting.

Price Tag: $4.90

SES Pledge vs. Hair Match: CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio

This is the rubber match in what has been an awesome feud so hopefully this will finally be the match that lives up to the hype. The build for this match has been epic so far, I hope it pays off well here.

Everyone seems solidly behind the idea that CM Punk is going bald tonight. I thought so too until I realized they haven’t made any mention of Rey’s mask in the stipulation of this match. If Rey loses, he joins the SES, and that’s all they’ve said. No stip that he has to take his mask off or shave his head (hell his head is already shaved).

That said, when I think of the possible outcomes of this match, see Rey chained to the SES for a month or so might be pretty damn entertaining, while shaving Punk’s head basically saws the legs off of his entire gimmick. Combine that with the fact that it’s the time of year for “Rey is pissed” rumors again, and I think there’s actually a good chance that CM Punk picks up the win here.

Price Tag: $4.90

Unified Tag Team Championship: The Hard Dynasty (c) vs. Chris Jericho and The Miz

I’m always rooting for Jericho and Miz in their respective matches, honestly. But this time around, I don’t really want to see the tandem take the titles from the Harts. A few reasons why:
1. Jericho, and especially Miz, need to get back solidly into the singles camp. Jericho is gold against anybody and can easily be used elsewhere. Miz needs to wrap up his US title situation with Bret (God help us if the title stays on him for long).
2. The Harts are the first genuine tag-team to hold the Unified titles in a while and are the WWE’s best shot right now at getting the titles back into the realm of normal tag-teams rather than all of the Two Man Power Trip tandems they’ve been putting together for the last year.
3. The Hart’s finally have received the push they’ve been waiting months for and taking the titles off them in their first defense would be a really bad move.
All those things said, survey says The Hart Dynasty retains.

Price Tag: $4.90

Randy Orton vs. Edge

I bumped this match up to class A because of the amount of time they’ve devoted to it on RAW each week…it’s essentially been built as much as Cena/Batista, but with arguably better competitors.

The problem is that, for the most part, Edge has been Orton’s bitch in the feud leading up to this match. This makes me wonder if we’re in for an Edge victory via some nefarious means.

However, I’m more inclined to think that Randy Orton picks up the victory here, despite whatever Edge has up his sleeve, paving the way for Edge to bring out the big guns and set up a gimmick match for next month.

Price Tag: $6.50

World Heavyweight Champion: Jack Swagger (c) vs. The Big Show

If you think Show is winning this match, I’ve got a lucrative business deal to pitch to you.

Swagger is riding high as champion at present, coming off an impressive (albeit not all that extreme) victory against Orton last month at Extreme Rules. I think everyone can admit to some degree that he’s been surprisingly convincing as champion since he cashed in the briefcase, from his change in demeanor to stepping up his game on the mic.

Big Show is the perfect opponent for him at this point, as it presents him with a new challenge – someone he can’t necessary out-wrestle.

I’m looking for this match to be a somewhat odd reversal of the face dominating and the heel champion eventually finding a way to squeak out a win. A victory here with cement Swagger as a legit champion before moving on to a higher-profile feud for the summer.

Price Tag: $6.50

WWE Championship “I Quit” Match: John Cena (c) vs. Batista

Thank God they didn’t make this a “loser leaves town” match as many of us feared, as the result really would not have been in doubt there. The question now becomes – what’s the deal with Batista?

As a guy who has a reputation the past few years of being a choke artist, can he really drop a third straight match to Cena here if he intends to stick around with WWE? DOES he intend to stick around? It’s a tough call.

My first instinct is that Batista must still be leaving, as they wouldn’t have booked themselves into this sort of corner otherwise. Batista cannot afford a third loss here if he’s leaving, and I really doubt Batista can do anything to Cena that Randy Orton didn’t do several months back to try and get Cena to say “I quit”.

I’m just gonna go with the logical result – John Cena retains, and maybe we see Batista pull a JBL Wrestlemania job and say “I QUIT” for real.

Price Tag: $6.50
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So will the show be worth it? Even if you’re not plunking down the cash tonight, I sure as hell am! Come back next week and check out whether or not my money was well spent!
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Alright kids, tuck in with a snack because it’s time now for the legit Wrestling 5 1, that’s 5 tasty tidbits of news from this week, & 1 smokin’ hottie to send you all home happy!

TNA Roster Cuts Imminent?

Probably the biggest rumor I’ve been hearing about all week is that TNA is going to take an axe into the locker room and lay a bunch of folks on the chopping block soon. TNA’s sources apparently have confirmed this to be true, though no final decisions have been made regarding who will be wished best.

Just for fun, let’s try and guess some!

Homicide seems like a lock. The guy has been vocal about wanting out of his contract anyhow. Not like he’s done anything at all since taking 5 minutes to not climb out of that stupid red dome on Hogan’s first show with the company.

Also pretty likely to be out the door is Hamada, whose contract expires soon and is not expected to be renewed. This is really a shame, as Hamada is kind of a badass. They never really did anything with her after her impressive debut against Daffney, and her last shot at TV time seemingly died when Awesome Kong walked out. Hamada is somebody, like Kong, who would really add some awesome (pun intended) to WWE. But sadly I doubt it will happen.

Also fair game for release? Pretty much anybody you haven’t seen for more than 5 minutes since Hogan set foot in the building. This includes, but is not limited to:

Dr. Stevie
Raven
Kiyoshi
Rhino
Shark Boy
Tomko

Maybe there are other’s that I forgot. I even checked the TNA roster to double-check but I don’t feel like I can trust it since Daniels is still on there…

On the bright side, all the potentially freed-up roster space should make room for TNA’s newest main-event talent – Carlito!

Yep, that’s right, in case you needed further evidence that some people just don’t belong on Twitter, Shannon Moore posted his two centers on the release:

“For the people saying bad things about Carlito GFY. I think he is a great talent that was not put in the position that he should have been in. And one of the few talents that’s humble and down to earth. I would love to see him in a main event spot in TNA”

Right Shannon. Cuz his release obviously had anything to do with him not getting a proper push or not having enough talent. Pretty sure wellness violation means your pee has some funny stuff in it and you aren’t down with going to rehab. But hey, Jeff Hardy is getting a main-event push despite an imminent court case and possible jail time – so maybe Shannon is just basing those statements off the example being set by TNA management!

Mickie James is Whistlin’ (at) Dixie!

Fanboys all over the internet this weekend have been in a frenzy at the news that Mickie James met with Dixie Carter on Thursday evening, though Dixie claims it wasn’t anything you’re probably thinking it was…

“At my first music showcase in a while right now. Wanna guess the artist? Mickie James. Thanks for the invite girl.”

Cue the speculation that Mickie is on her way to TNA. Actually, you’re all probably right.

I think we can all agree at this point that Dixie Carter uses Twitter as an excuse to act like a 15 year old girl and post little quips to keep people talking. What’s the point of saying “Hey I met with Mickie at her dumb concert tonight to talk about her coming to work for me in 2 months” when she could just say “I saw Mickie’s show and she did super!” and leave it at that?

Just like that “firing the first shot” business a few months ago, though we all saw how that turned out.

That said, James going to TNA does make a lot of sense. She’s certainly passable in the ring compared to some of their other talents, and I honestly do think she’s still hot despite all the haters. And maybe Dixie is willing to go the Bobby Lashley route with her and lend a hand to the music career while she works under the TNA banner.

I mean, it’s not like Mickie’s country music career is going to gain the same traction as Lashley with MMA, right? Yeah…

Canadians Hate Commercials Too, Eh?

Many fans up north where Stanley Cup hopes are quickly evaporating got a little added kick in the jumblies this past Monday when The Score had the audacity to air commercials on what was supposed to be a commercial-free RAW.

For those of you from Canada, here’s what you missed…

Nice mullet, asshole.

Anyhoo, jokes aside I can’t say I blame the Canadian fans. I’d have probably been a little pissed off at the interruptions, particularly because some of them included abrupt cuts from matches in progress.

I can also understand, though, that The Score was kind of in a tough spot. They’d already sold the air-time and advertising might just be part of where TV stations actually make their money. They seemed pretty bummed out about it, to be fair. They even went so far as to respond to some guys angry letter:

“Thanks for your email, we appreciate your feedback. The Score has aired Raw commercial-free in the past but there were many paid sponsors already in place long before USA Network decided to make the show commercial free.

The Score worked closely with the WWE to make sure key moments were not missed in the show. You’ll notice that Raw ended about eight minutes later than usual because we wanted to show as much of the show as possible.

Next time, with enough advance warning, we hope to air a commercial-free episode of Monday Night Raw on The Score.

We care about WWE fans and take your feedback seriously.”

Comcast could take a lesson from these guys…more on that below.

And really, aside from the match cut-aways, what did they really miss?

* The WWE Commercial spoofs.

* The segment with Maryse in the makeup chair talking about Trish Stratus and the subsequent brawl with Eve in the back.

* The backstage segment with Buzz Aldrin, his wife, Vickie Guerrero, and the Bellas.

* Miz in the back blowing off Josh Mathews and the promo before his match withBret Hart.

Golly gee shucks, that all sure does sound like compelling TV. In other words, Canadian fans really were just watching commercials while us fine folks in America were up taking a leak anyhow.

Bubba the Love Sponge has GOT to have Brain Damage. Like, Really.

Continuing to take it all in stride, Bubba the Love Sponge took a call on his radio show on Tuesday from somebody claiming to work for Spike TV.

The yahoo claimed that Spike executives were so pissed off about Dixie firing Bubba that they were actually considering cancelling Impact.

Really? REALLY.

And proving there is some semblance of justice in the world and God hates jizzbags, Spike TV’s VP of Communications actually issued a statement in response to this nonsense:

“I can assure you the caller was a fake and TNA iMPACT is not only among the highest rated shows with young men on Spike, but on Thursday nights as well. This past Thursday, Among Basic Cable Networks between 9p-11p, TNA ranked #3 in M18-49 behind ESPN (NBA Conf Semis CAVALIERS/CELTICS) and TBS (Disturbia, Family Guy) And our relationship with Dixie and TNA has never been stronger.”

How many times is this guy going to try to stir up shit following his firing before he realizes that simply nobody gives a flying fornication about him? Honestly the only thing I ever even remotely enjoyed about the guy in his TNA tenure to begin with was watching him get elbowed in the face by Mick Foley.

Bahahahahahahahahaha!

Good all Hogan. Kinda sad when Scott Hall isn’t the worst hire you can say you’ve made in 2010.

Comcast Has Stupid Policies Regarding Pay-Per-View Purchases

Last week, there were a few comments asking why the hell I don’t do Worth Your Wealth for TNA if I’m going to talk about it on the show. Someone even suggested that the only reason I mention TNA at all is because it gets hits.

Ok, well first of all, sorry to those of you whom I may have offended by including subject matter in my column that might appeal to your interests. Maybe instead of TNA I should write about origami and falcons?

For those of you who remember my first go-around with 411 when I wrote just Worth Your Wealth on its own, you might remember that I did do both TNA and WWE pay-per-views back then. I’d still like to, because I always received interesting feedback on the concept and it’s a really fun way to piss some of you off to the point that you rage in the comments. But I can’t!

Honestly, I can’t do both WWE and TNA because of Comcast. Yes, that’s right, Comcast. Xfinity. Whatever. They suck.

Comcast has this zany little idea where they don’t want people spending money on Pay-Per-View, I guess, because they’re not in the business of making money. Basically their policy is this:

If you miss a payment because your automatic bill pay fails and you don’t receive a notification about it, you aren’t allowed more than $60 a month in PPV purchases for a period of one year.

Yeah, pretty shitty. I can’t order TNA PPV’s because WWE takes up $45 of that $60 allotment, and honestly given the choice of one over the other, I’d rather choose the one I enjoy more. Sue me…

I count on these people take my money, no questions asked, and they don’t even bother to shoot me an email and be like “um, excuse me sir, we couldn’t take the money this month…” Srsly?

I get email notifications when somebody posts on someone elses stauts that I Liked but don’t really want to hear about for the rest of the day, but I can’t get a notification if an automatic bill payment doesn’t go through? No wonder these fuckers were rated so poorly for customer service…

Yep, that’s right. Comcast was rated #2 in the USA for worst customer service, right behind AOL (who I honestly can’t believe is still in business, so I’m not surprised they don’t try). Just goes to show that being a gigantic television company with no legit competition in a lot of markets leads to not giving a shit. This is why capitalism thrives on competition people!

And yes, technically this was news because of the worst customer service ratings bit. Stick it, brother.