Cook’s WWE Elimination Chamber 2018 Report Card

Hi, hello & welcome to the WWE Elimination Chamber 2018 Report Card! I’m Steve Cook, and I came to an important realization in the process of writing this. I just can’t do these things the day of the show as long as my schedule at my job is what it is.

Trying to sit through these marathon shows while half asleep isn’t fun for me, and it isn’t going to give WWE Superstars the proper praise or criticism they deserve. I started writing this on Sunday night, and decided to go to bed after the first Chamber match because I was too tired & in a really bad mood & it wasn’t going to end well. Then I opened the file on Monday and was like “Jesus, I better start this one over.” If I had posted some of that stuff, so many people would be asking for my firing.

So it would have been like most of my columns. But I decided to start over anyway. We’re leaving off the Kickoff Show match this month, as WWE themselves were more interested in Big E & Xavier Woods talking backstage than in the Cruiserweight Championship match. Shame, since Buddy Murphy & Akira Tozawa were out there chopping ringposts for no reason. Oh well, we’ll try again next month.

WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Elimination Chamber Match: Nia Jax & Tamina vs. Liv Morgan & Sarah Logan vs. Mandy Rose & Sonya DeVille vs. The Iiconics vs. Bayley & Sasha Banks vs. Naomi & Carmella

Lots of firsts in this match. First women’s tag team Elimination Chamber match. First Women’s Tag Team Championship match since the days of the Jumping Bomb Angels. First Corey Graves-called match since all the news broke over the weekend. Mandy & Sonya vs. Bayley & Sasha is the first pairing. Mandy has a couple of rough moments early, but other than that things go fairly smoothly. Fire & Desire get the advantage eventually, but Boss & Hug won’t go down without a fight. Sonya kicks the chain link and Mandy gets her foot caught in it, leading to a neckbreaker. Here comes the next team…the Riott Squad! Sasha & Bayley go right after them while Mandy & Sonya recover. Sasha goes shoulder-first into the pod, which isn’t great since it’s already taped up. Riott Squad & Fire & Desire go at it in the ring. Liv drops Sonya with a slap, and is holding her own in a battle. Fairly impressive. Poor Bayley takes the brunt of a Tower of Doom spot, and everybody go boom. The Iiconics are in and trying to cover people, but it’s not working out for them. They sure are loud about it. Some nice double team moves on Deville & Rose. Sasha makes the save on a pin attempt on Bayley, much to the delight of the crowd wondering where she went. Billie & Peyton target the shoulder, don’t get the pinfall, and screech like banshees. Yeah, that’s already getting old. Peyton flips on top of Bayley while Sasha lies right next to her. Another two count. Naomi & Carmella, or Fabulous Glow as Cole calls them, are in. Eh, not a fan of the name myself. They hit some moves & some moonwalks. Awkward rana by Carmella on Billie, then some kicks. Split-legged moonsault pin attempt on Logan broken up by Morgan. Everybody hitting some moves now, with the end result of everybody being down. Carmella’s submission attempt on Deville gets broken up by Rose, and now she & Naomi are going at it. Rear View to Rose, but the Iiconics sneak in & roll up Naomi to eliminate the Fabulous Glow. Not a banner showing for those two. Nia & Tamina come in and lay waste to everybody except the Iiconics, who hide in their pod. Not the worst strategy, but it won’t work forever. Billie & Peyton get slung against the steel repeatedly & tossed into the ring. Double Samoan drop sends the Iiconics packing. Assisted Diamonddust to Tamina by Riott Squad gets a nearfall. Mandy & Sonya next in to target the Samoans. Boss & Hug back in there to do things to people. They nearly eliminate Mandy & Sonya, but Nia & Tamina return. Riott Squad has climbed on top of the pod for fun. And for diving onto people. It doesn’t end well for them, as Nia hits the second rope Samoan drop and Tamina splashes both Sarah & Liv to finish them off. Nia setting Bayley up for something, but ends up putting herself through the pod. That didn’t look fun. Tamina is all alone now, and smartly, the other four team up on her. Sasha’s Meteora & Bayley’s Macho Man elbow finish Tamina off. The first two teams are the last two teams. Backstabber & Bayley to Belly nearly finish Sonya, but Mandy makes the save. Mandy climbs on top of a pod & Bayley & Sasha join her. Shades of last year, except this time they’re working together instead of against each other. Sonya tries to join them but is unsuccessful. Bayley gets knocked down and speared into a support beam by Sonya. Sasha driven into a pod, and Mandy hits the Moneymaker for two! Sasha ducks a spear attempt and Sonya takes Mandy down instead. Sasha goes for the Bank Statement on Sonya, and after some difficulty using her shoulder, she manages to lock it in with her foot! Sonya taps out and we got champions! Really fun Chamber match here. With the exception of Carmella & Naomi, everybody got a good chance to shine & made the most of it. Give the Fabulous Glow a C, the Iiconics & Nia & Tamina Bs, and the other three teams As.

Charly Caruso is out to talk with Boss & Hug. The fans chime in that they deserve it. Sasha says they do it for themselves, the fans & everybody in the back. An emotional moment that the written word can’t do justice to. I just hope these two never break up, as a world without the Boss & Hug Connection would be a cruel, dark place.

The Miz & Shane McMahon vs. The Usos

Miz wanted to reach for all the cheap heat, congratulating Sasha & Bayley & dedicating the match to everybody in his family, but here’s Maryse to announce that she & Miz are having another baby! Damn! Miz still has it! He & Jimmy start the match, and they both avoid trademark moves. The Uso chants are loud tonight. It’s a fun chant. Shane sets up the Coast to Coast a little earlier than one might think, and sure enough it doesn’t happen yet. PUNCHES! I don’t know why I see #SaveTagTeamWrestling on my timeline when Miz & Shane are obviously the best in the world. Tag Team Wrestling has never been stronger. It Kicks in the corner by Miz. Funny moment when Graves asks “Remember when you guys used to yell at me for saying that when it was true?” & Phillips & Saxton respond with “Yeah” & “That was fun”. Stun gun off the top rope & the Usos now have the advantage. Miz’s jersey is torn off and thrown in the face of Shane, then Jimmy hits Miz’s trademark clothesline in the corner. The second one doesn’t go as well, and Shane gets the lukewarm tag. Coast to Coast! He tries another one and that ends in a Superkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick. Splash gets a two count thanks to Miz. Miz tags in and hits a springboard double axe handle. He gets Samoan dropped thirty seconds later. DDT gets a 2 for Miz. He clears the announce table, Usos fly outside and it’s time for Shane to kill himself if he isn’t already dead. The elbow through the announce table kills Shane & Jey Uso. Series of rollups leads to Miz getting superkicked & splashed…well not quite, Miz gets the knees up. Skull Crushing Finale gets two, Jey crucifixes Miz for the three count! Pretty decent action, but it didn’t hit that extra gear that the Usos’ PPV matches typically hit. Some fun spots though.

Grades
Shane/Miz: C
Usos: C

Paige introduces a clip from her movie. I miss her.

Dasha Fuentes asks Lio Rush if he’s the weak link of the team. Bobby Lashley is there too, as he’s the steak to Lio’s sizzle.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Handicap Match: Bobby Lashley & Lio Rush vs. Finn Balor

You know who loves handicap matches? Larry Csonka! Hopefully he enjoyed the heck out of this one. I always enjoy the run through of the international announce teams. The Frenchies went on a little bit longer than Cole was expecting. Apparently some people were convinced that the Demon King Finn Balor should have appeared for this show. Not sure why you’d waste something like that on this show against these guys, but it was a thing people were saying. Christ, Lashley’s veins are bigger than Rush. Lashley beats up Balor for awhile, Balor does some cool stuff for a minute, Rush distracts, Lashley regains the advantage. Rinse, repeat. Rush is a quick little fella, you gotta give him credit for that. Lio’s stomping a mudhole in Balor and walking it dry, brother. Lashley hits the chinlock & gets a nearfall before tagging Lio in. ABDOMINAL STRETCH! You just don’t see enough of those anymore, I tells ya. Not sure I’d pick Balor to use that move on though. Cole says Lashley loves being Intercontinental Champion. I think anybody except Triple H would feel the same way. Lio does an ill-advised tag before Lashley hits the spear, and ends up splashing the mat. Finn makes the CLASSIC COMEBACK! Complete with a…dive! Big drop kick in the corner and the coup de grace to Lio wins Balor the Intercontinental Championsip! Decent little match while Balor was on offense. The Lashley bit was what it was, and Lio was kinda fun in his role.

Grades
Lashley: C+
Lio: B-
Balor: B

Bobby is not happy, and takes out his frustrations on the dude that lost the title for him. That’s fine and all, but who the heck is going to talk on Lashley’s behalf now? I know I wouldn’t take on a client that’s known for beating up his hypemen.

The 2020 Royal Rumble will be in Houston at Minute Maid Park. I liked the look of Arizona’s ballpark that I can’t remember the name of right now, so this should be pretty cool. Probably easier to draw a crowd in Houston, too.

Last night in Alexandria, Louisiana, Becky Lynch showed up & attacked Charlotte Flair while Flair was wrestling some no-name with blue & pink hair. Haven’t seen her on TV so I’m not sure who it was. Anyway, Flair got the upper hand and attacked Becky’s knee with a chair, forcing Becky to leave the arena on crutches.

Charlotte comes out before the Raw Women’s Championship match. Charly tries to get some information out of her, but doesn’t get much of use. Becky needs the approval of the people, Charlotte’s reflection in the mirror gives her all the approval she needs. She’s the best on Raw, SmackDown & WWE, and she’ll sit at ringside tonight to see who will main event WrestleMania against the Queen Woooooooo. New nickname, I guess.

WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match: Ronda Rousey vs. Ruby Riott

Renee says Ruby could be a made woman with “a good showing tonight”. Well, I figured that wasn’t happening even before I read the results. Ronda sponsors her MK 11 appearance by dressing like the character she provides the voice for, Sonya Blade. Ruby gets some punches early, but Ronda fights right back & Ruby goes outside the ring. Charlotte stares from ringside while Ruby’s showing her Larry Zbyszko tape-watching knowledge. She gets back in the ring, Ronda hits Piper’s Pit & the armbar. No grades here, this reminded me of those Superstars episodes I’ve been watching lately on the Network.

Charlotte gets in the ring and stares Ronda down, but there’s some commotion in the crowd and here’s Becky Lynch crutching her way down to ringside in her Kill Bill attire. She attacks Charlotte with one of her own crutches like a crazy person. Ronda looks on and doesn’t seem displeased. But she grabs the other crutch & contemplates what to do. Hitting Charlotte seems like the choice, but Becky hits her from behind and wears her out. Right in the face too, that’s not good. Pretty good gash up by Ronda’s hairline. Becky smiles while security escorts her out of the building.

Nice angle to set up the WrestleMania main event, but goshdarn. Remind me not to let Becky hit me with a crutch. Or anything else, for that matter. I tend to ignore the anti-Becky crowd on Twitter because from what I can tell it’s just one of many horrible takes most of them have on everything in life…but they were right in pointing out that the people going on about Becky would call for Nia Jax’s firing if Nia hit Ronda in the face with a crutch.

No Disqualification Match: Braun Strowman vs. Baron Corbin

We don’t even get Ronda & Charlotte out of here before Buzz Killington makes his way down to ringside. Or “Boring Corbin” as the accurate sign at ringside states. Corbin throws his vest at Braun but that’s not as effective as the kendo stick. I think we need to have a kendo stick swinging competition between Corbin, Charlotte Flair & The Sandman. Am I forgetting anybody? Braun breaks the stick over his knee, saying he doesn’t need a kendo stick to kick Baron’s ass. Probably not. Braun running around the ring and hitting people is Renee’s favorite part of WWE. Nice catch of the office chair by Braun, but Baron introduces Braun to the stairs. These guys should have a stairs match at Fastlane. On second thought, why am I making Baron Corbin booking suggestions? Forget I said anything. Corbin goes on offense for awhile because that’s what we all need in our lives. Braun comes back & Renee is happy now because Braun is going to use a table. I mean, it is no disqualification so there’s no real reason not to use a table. Unless you want to be hip & trendy and use a door since that’s the indy thing now. Baron gets powerslammed through the table, but Braun is distracted by Drew McIntyre, a steel chair & his music. Bobby Lashley sneaks into the ring with his own steel chair, and they hit Strowman a good number of times. It’s hard to buy into a trio where Corbin is the brains of the operation, but McIntyre & Lashley manage to set up some stairs in the ring. See, this is why we need a stairs match. Not really. Tables must be less expensive in Houston, they’ve got a bunch of them under the ring. Ah, ok. The stairs are in the ring so they can stand on them while triple powerbombing Strowman through two tables. Corbin gets the win so this feud can continue. Yay?

I mean, it wasn’t all bad. Tables & weapons are always fun and can only help matches with these types of participants.

Grades
Corbin: C-
Strowman: C-

Miz is very sorry & very upset about losing. Shane tells him to go home & he’ll see him Tuesday.

Lacey Evanswalks the runway & leaves. This is apparently the beginning of a SUPER BIG push for her. I’m a fan so I hope it happens, but I’m going to have to see some more before I drink that Kool-Aid.

WWE Championship Elimination Chamber Match: The New Daniel Bryan vs. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton vs. Samoa Joe vs. Kofi Kingston

It’s Joe & Bryan starting off the match, two men very familiar with each other. I’d say most of these guys are pretty familiar with each other by now. Bryan is not happy about starting the match, and he’s also not happy that Rowan has to go to the back. Poor guy. He wants no part of Joe early, which is common sense. Eventually Joe gets his hands on Bryan and locks in a kneebar. Bryan chops Joe, which just pisses the big guy off. Joe answers with chops of his own, hits the powerbomb into Boston crab into STF into Crossface into Rings of Saturn combo. He’s added a couple of moves to that. Why does Bryan keep chopping Joe? The man must have a death wish. Bryan’s chest isn’t going to like this. Kofi is the first man out of the pods, and he’s going ham on Bryan & Joe. Frog splash version of Shadows Over Hell gets two. Bryan retreats to the top of a pod & takes a seat while Kofi & Joe go at it. Kofi jumps up onto Bryan’s pod, and the sit-in is over. They’re trading kicks on the chain link, Joe yanks Bryan down & Kofi drops onto them! Kofi with a nearfall on Bryan & Joe with a running senton onto Bryan’s back. Free trip to the chiropractor. More chops. AJ Styles is in now & he’s kicking & punching people. 2 DDTs for the price of 1, and each get a nearfall. Bryan tries climbing the cage again, and Styles forearms him off. Joe tosses AJ around for a little bit. He locks Kofi in the choke, but Kofi finds a way out of it, AJ hits the Phenomenal Forearm & Joe’s gone. Jeff Hardy’s in shortly after & goes right after Styles. Modified Poetry in Motion with the unwitting assistance of Kofi. PELE! Styles takes a rough fall off the corner while Hardy manages to land on his feet like he’s a cat. Swanton Bomb off the pod onto Styles laid on the turnbuckle? Sure why not. Bryan hits the running knee & Hardy’s outta here pretty quick. He did manage to make an impact. Randy Orton is the last man in after some Bryan offense. Nice STO backbreaker by Styles on Kingston. Styles sets up the forearm, but Orton hits the RKO OUTTA NOWHERE to eliminate Styles and continue that budding issue. Orton & Kofi go back & forth. Draping DDT using the top rope, and now it’s time to head to that place. Bryan breaks it up and gets powerslammed for his trouble, but Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise and sends Orton packing.

This leaves us with Kofi & Bryan in the final two, and Houston is all about some Kofi Kingston. They exchange kicks. Kofi wants more kicks. Bryan hits some No Kicks, Kofi recovers and hits the
SOS for two! Misses the Stinger Splash in the corner. More No Kicks in the corner, and Bryan hits the repeated kicks. Kofi runs out with a double stomp and gets another two count! Bryan crawls onto the platform & Kofi follows him there. An attempted bulldog into the pod goes poorly for Kofi. Bryan sets up the running knee…hits it! It gets two & Bryan is stupified. Time for the repeated stomps to the head! Two count…Bryan runs into Trouble in Paradise! Bryan gets a small package, and eventually locks in a variation of the LeBell Lock! Bryan goes up top, which seems like a bad idea, and sure enough, Kofi follows him up. Now to the top of the pod, an even worse idea. Bryan’s head gets rammed into the plexiglass, and Kofi sets up a superplex. That doesn’t happen. Bryan sets one up, which doesn’t happen either. They finally start climbing down, and Bryan takes the fall off the top rope. Kofi from the top of the pod…misses the splash! Bryan hits one more running knee and that ends it. Pretty good throughout, but that final two segment took it to a new level. For many of us, it wasn’t a question of if Kofi Kingston deserved a shot at a major singles championship, the question was if he would ever get one. Circumstance & hard work has led to a moment where it could very well happen. I’m not going to say it should have been tonight, because you can’t take the title off Bryan so soon after he created a new belt, but there’s no doubt that Kingston opened some eyes. WrestleMania? They could do a lot worse.

Grades
Bryan: A
Kingston: A
Joe: B
Styles: B
Orton: B
Hardy: N/A

Xavier Woods & Big E join Kofi in the ring to boost his positivity while the fans thank Kofi for his performance. WWE loves to talk about moments, sometimes they happen when you least expect them, and this was one of those moments.

Final Thought

Yeah, I’m glad I waited on this one. I would have pooped all over Kofi’s big moment and everybody would have rightfully been outraged. The show was utterly forgettable except for the Chamber matches, but every Chamber PPV is like that. Now we’re on the fastlane on the road to WrestleMania!