411’s WWE Smackdown Report 11.27.03

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

R.I.P. Dick Hutton. When Lou Thesz himself handpicks you to be his successor, you know you got skills.

Here we go with YOUR Thanksgiving SmackDown Report because, here at 411, we are dedicated enough to our craft to work on the holidays – for free, no less. See what I do for you people?

Before we get to the meat and potatoes (turkey and stuffing?), some clarification is in order. I’ll let Smoove K (via e-mail) break the news:

I’m a fluent Japanese speaker, and have lived in Japan for extensive periods. “Kyodai” is not translated as “big price”. It would make as much sense as saying “wealth large” in English, and wouldn’t be used, well, ever. Blame Babelfish. The actual term is simply “Brothers”, or PERHAPS “Brotherhood” if you want to get more poetic about it.

And to be extra precise about the whole Japanese thing, “Yang” (a
Korean and Chinese name) would never be used. But although the Yakuza
would never let in someone named “Yang”, a wrestling report wouldn’t be
so horrible. 🙂

And, for more details, we turn to Richard Kim (also via e-mail):

Akio and Sakada are called “kyodai” which means “brothers” in Japanese. For obvious reasons “brothers” is also used to reference the yakuza in Japan. So you are right, it is a fairly straightforward way of referencing yakuza without using the actual word. But it doesn’t mean “big price,” at least not in this usage.

Kyodai is just one word, but it is made up of two chinese characters “kyo” which I think means “brother” or “sibling” and “dai” which I think means “order” or “number” or something like that – its a marker, basically. The result meaning is pretty straightforward. Technically it can be used to mean “siblings” in the context of yakuza it
always means “brothers” for obvious reasons. To be honest, root meanings are not a strong suit, and I don’t profess to be an expert in Japanese. But I’m pretty confident that’s basically right.

So there you have it. But this doesn’t mean I won’t revert to “Orient Express 2003” just for shits and giggles every now and again.

No sooner then opening my mouth about no news coming out of MLW, Court Bauer makes me look like a fucking retard. MLW is back up and running, but not here in Florida. Since I don’t feel like spilling my guts on the subject a second time, the whole story – as well as my feelings on it – can be found here, in case anyone gives a rat’s ass.

Looks like the News Journal may finally be biting, too, which is definitely a good thing. Of course, it may cost me my gig at BackStage Pass, but we’ll see how everything goes…

On top of everything else I have going on (including staring burn-out dead in the face and giving it the Rock’s “Just Bring It” handsign), I’m helping to manage a band. Judas Priest and Cradle Of Filth had a baby, and its name is Severed Existence. Excellent metal outfit right here in Daytona that’s working on its second CD and should have their website up the first of next month. Once it goes live, you know damn well they’re gonna get pimped.

Speaking of which, I may not be the original pimp (that would be Iceberg Slim), but I can do it with the best of them…and I have quite a bit to do…

Nute spotlights an awesome move – and it belongs to a chick!

Poffel breaks down the numbers for all the doomsayers and does it damned well.

Flea has an awesome point about the Michael Jackson controversy that, being a parent myself, really got me thinking about some hypocritical assholes in this world…

I’d love to pimp the guest edition of the Bootleg, but, as a wise man once said, “Even I can’t reach that far into the future.” So, I’ll give the nod to the source of that quote, Stephen Randle, and thank him for the kind words in his column. I also suggest you follow him to Sundays once the Big Reshuffling kicks in next week.

You know, it’s only natural that a man named Jack Daniels would have come up with something like the NWATNA Drinking Game.

Seems we’re running a week behind here. The new Necrofile isn’t up yet at Maximum Metal, but last week’s is. Again, keep your eyes peeled at Maximum Metal in the next day or 2 for the new stuff. I may have to stabilize this whole thing by going bi-weekly on an alternating with my contribution to 411Black, “Double Impact”. Consider that your warning.

Damn, but that took forever. On with the Rasslin’!

SmackDown! – 112703

Once again, for the loyal (obsessed?) Florida Lottery players…
Cash 3:
Play 4:

Paul E opens our Thanksgiving edition by calling everyone out to the ring – except for Brock. Tonight, it’ll be a 20-man battle royal to determine who meets Brock for the championship. Paul then calls out Brock, who wishes us a Happy Thanksgiving (you too, ya big lug) and says that he’s not afraid of anybody – not “someone quick and agile” (singling out Rey Mysterio – of course not, Brock – he’s too small!), not “someone 7 feet tall and weighing 500 lbs.” (singling out Big Show – of course not, Brock – he’s your buddy!), not someone “who’s never been champion” (singling out John Cena – of course not, Brock – he ain’t been around that long!), or “someone who will never be champion” (singling out Benoit – you sure about that, Brock?). Brock then pulls Heyman aside, and Heyman says Brock has a great idea – let Cena and Benoit qualify for the battle royal! Cena will qualify against A-Train, and Benoit will find out who his opponent is – next! – as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Chris Benoit vs. Matt Morgan
Okay, I have to be honest. My son’s arrived, so I missed a good chunk of this one. Joined In Progress, Morgan is stomping away at Benoit. Vertical suplex and a legdrop gets 2 on Benoit. Morgan chokes him with his boot, then picks him up by said throat (!) and tosses him in the corner like a rag doll before whipping him to the opposite corner and catching Benoit with a side slam on the way out. Another foot choke turns into a punmpahdle gutbreaker. Benoit finally gets Morgan down and goes for the Diving Headbutt – way too early, as Morgan moves out of the way. Morgan goes for the Sitout Powerbomb and gets suckered – Benoit, in mid-air, turns it into the Crippler Crossface~! and Morgan taps out.

In the back, Noble and Nidia (in a ugly-ass top) discuss last week. Noble is making sure Nidia can’t see and this isn’t one big ploy for attention (don’t laugh – I’ve had girlfriends do that). Nidia makes him feel stupid, then offers a compromise: she’ll sit with Cole and Tazz and not move. Noble accepts this as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Jamie Noble vs. Akio
Noble starts off whipping Akio into a corner or 2 before sending him outside. Noble gets a suicide dive before bringing Akio back in. In the ring, Akio scores a spinning kick for 2. Sleeper by Akio is reversed by Noble, but Akio gets a chinbreaker and covers for another 2. Both men, and it’s near-fall comborama~! as both men work in nearly every pin attempt you can name, ending in a double clothesline. Both men back up and laying the leather to each other. Noble gets a clothesline and Akio goes for a Rude Awakening, but it’s reversed (because no one can do it like the Ravashing One – R.I.P., Rick) into a spinning neckbreaker by Noble for 2. Corner whip and a charge, but Akio gets a triangle leg choke over the ropes. Noble ultimately gets in a superplex as Tajiri is at the commentator’s table now to taunt blind Nidia. Nidia finds her bearings and scores a low blow on Tajiri. Noble sees all this, but gets schoolboyed by Akio for the 3. Afterward, Noble checks on Nidia before walking her to the back.

In the back, Heyman is promising to make Shannon Moore (taped ribs and all) a star again – this time against Nathan Jones. Hoo boy.

Rey Mysterio Jr. tells what he’s thankful for – the fans kickin’ it 619 style and the chance to represent La Raza – as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Shannon Moore vs. Nathan Jones.
Jones starts out tossing Moore over the top rope. On the way back in, Moore is caught in a chokehold (while standing on the top rope – nice visual, that) before getting sent out again. Jones brings Moore back in for a whip to the corner and a clothesline. Another corner whip, and—you know the equation: corner whip + blind charge = boot to the face. Jones responds by throwing Moore 2/3 across the ring, rib-first. Owch. Jones then beels Moore over the top and sends him back in for 2 before picking him up. Jones hits the gut-wrench suplex before ending this one in short order.

Earlier Today, the SmackDown stars are in the back for the annual Thanksgiving Feast (food fight time?). Cena interrupts the feasting—to say grace? Well, sort of – Cena cuts a rap hitting on all the ladies and working in the Gobbledy-Gooker (pointing to Spanky in a turkey suit – nice). Cena faces Q-Train later on, but next it’s Eddie Gurrero vs. Charlie Haas as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Charlie Haas vs. Eddie Gurrero
Clips of last week’s attempt to cripple Chavito. Eddie and Chavito arrive in a lime green lowrider truck. Chavito has a truck – pay attention to that, because it will become important later. Eddie fires off a set of rights before getting in a tiltawhirl slam for 2. Eddie goes after Haas’s knee and Chavito sneaks in a few shots behind the referee’s back. Irish whip is reversed into a high back body drop by Haas. Back suplex into a backbreaker gets 2. Haas gets in some kidney shots and a knee before whipping Eddie to the corner and nailing some clubbing blows. Side suplex (Move of the night? We have a winner!) for 2. Haas gets a front fallaway slam and hits the mighty armbar. Eddie fights his way out and gets a corner whip, but it’s reversed. Haas charges and misses and Eddie takes the opportunity to bounce Haas’s head off the turnbuckles. Eddie then gets a hurracanrana off the top rope and 2 clotheslines before hitting the rolling vertical suplexes. Remember, rolling suplexes are a sign of superior workrate. Eddie goes for the Frog Splash, but Benjamin is on the apron for the distraction. Eddie rolls out of the Splash and yanks Chavito’s crutch out from under him to nail Haas behind the referee’s back and get the 3 count. Afterward, Benjamin and Chavito join the party only for Chavito to get his knee attacked again so Eddie can make the save. Afterward, Chavito is upset at Eddie for jacking his crutch. You know, this heel turn would be a lot more enjoyable if it weren’t drawn out and obvious. Maybe they’ll surprise me with a different turn. Then again, maybe Michael Jackson will surprise me by a porno tape with him and Lisa Marie Presley. Doubt it, tho’…

Commercial.

Back to A-Train vs. John Cena
Cena is out and ready to rap, but A-Train puts a stop to that with a chorus of boos from the Boise crowd. Cena gets in some punches and the Youcan’tseeme taunt before going for the FU—no, A-Train drops out and bails out of the ring. Back in, A-Train charges and gets caught in the corner by Cena, who unloads with punches. Bicycle Kick~! misses, so A-Train gets punched and whipped into the corner, but the scores with the Bicycle Kick~! A-Train dishes out some abuse in the corner before getting an avalanche in the opposite corner. Scoop powerslam gets 2. Abdominal stretch by A-Train (at least it’s not another chinlock) and Cena fights out. Cena goes for the slam, but A-Train falls on him for 2. Damn, can Cena lift anybody up? Censa gets tossed over the top rope as a “Shave your back!” chant erupts for A-Train. Damn, I can only wonder how loud that would be for me. A-Train drops Cena throat-first on the top rope before coming in to a 2nd rope-assisted low blow by Cena. Whip and a reversal into a shoulder knockdown by Cena followed by a shuck-and-jive slam for 2. Backbreaker by A-Train, but Cena gets in a side suplex for 2 again. Cena attempts another FU, but A-Train gets the Derailer for 2. 2 again, and A-Train is pissed. Train tosses in a few chairs from the outside before walking back in to another FU attempt. 3rd time’s the charm as Cena scores and gets the 3-count for the win.

The Cat is coming up NEXT! as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to a recap of Hardcore Holly’s suspension from last week. We join Holly live from his home in Mobile, AL (which looks suspiciously like the WWE Studios in Stamford, CT). He says that the suspension is a coward’s way out before revealing that it is in the process of appeals and he will be back to break Brock’s neck. Have to admit, Holly’s getting some good reactions, but how much of that has to do with the fact that people hate Brock that much?

Back to the arena as Lamont is in the ring to introduce The Hardest Working Man In Sports Entertainment…The Cat! It’s about time! The Cat comes in and tells Boise he’s here to turn it out before getting in some James Brown moves. But wait – he can’t do it alone – he needs a partner. And who better than Boise’s own Torrie Wilson? Torrie is out now and cuts a little rug – excuse me, mat, before going to leave. The Cat brings her back in for more, and Torrie busts out the stripper moves before pulling a lollipop out of her cleavage. She puts the lollipop in the Cat’s mouth, and The Cat almost has a heart attack. I could think of better ways to bring out Ernest Miller, but, to hell with it – The Cat is here! And the battle royal is next!

John Cena gives thanks to his friends and most of his family (including his dad, who apparently has a propensity to consume mass quantities of alcohol) as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to the Battle Royal.
Okay, calling this thing blow-by-blow would be an exercise in futility, and since my name ain’t Scott Keith, we’re going to do this by order of elimination and highlights. First, the list of participants: Chris Benoit, John Cena, Bradshaw, Eddy Guerrero, Orlando Jordan, Ultimo Dragon, A-Train, Chuck Palumbo, Johnny the Bull, Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, Rey Mysterio, Doug (without mask) and Danny (with mask) Basham, Rhyno, Rikishi, Scotty Go Potty, Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan, and The Big Show.

And we are underway! First 3 out are Ultimo Dragon, Orlando Jordan, and Danny Basham – ALL by The Big Show. Big Show is out next, after 3 (!!) separate gang-up attempts by everyone else in the battle royal.

And we go to Commercial. Can’t someone do something about the sudden commercial breaks near the end of the show?

Back to During The Break: Nathan Jones and Johnny The Bull were eliminated. Rey and Edie pair off (ahh, memories) before Scotty gets dumped by A-Train. Eddie dropkicks A-Train out of the fray before Rhyno gets dumped by Matt Morgan. So, if Rhyno went out after Scotty, does this mean Rhyno is in line for a rematch for the Velocity title? See Scott Fried’s Veocity Report for details. Mysterio gets the 619 on Benjamin as several men try to put Rikishi out. They succeed, but Rikishi takes Palumbo, Haas, and Morgan with him. Deeamn! Mysterio tries a high cross body on Cena and Benoit, but they both dump him out, leaving us with Benoit, Cena, Benjamin, and Eddie. Benjamin and Cena pair off, as do Benoit and Eddie (aah, more memories). Benjamin goes at it with Eddie after a bit, then with Benoit. Benoit makes him regret it with a sick chop that sends Benjamin to the mat, crying for his momma. Snap suplex by Benoit as Cena and Edie are going at it in the corner. Eddie with the rolling verticals on Cena and Benoit with the Rolling Germans on Benjamin (what was I saying about workrate earlier?). Eddie and Benjamin hit the showers as we are down to Cena and Benoit. Both men go over at the same time and we have the 1994 Royal Rumble Revisited as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Paul Heyan trying to straighten this mess out. First he says Brock will have to defend in a triple threat, but Paul then reverses course, offering up Cena vs. Benoit with the winner to face Brock Lesnar next week. I think. I’m confused here. Brock lays out Cena with the belt as a HUGE “bullshit!” breaks out and I’m inclined to agree. Soon the rest of Team Sasquatch is out to watch Lesnar lay out both Cena and Lesnar. He finishes by taunting the crowd and wishing us all a Happy Thanksgiving as the show ends.

Pretty damn good show, right up until the end. Seeing yet another re-hashed angle play out was bad enough, but then totally confusing everyone and having the typical heel beatdown afterward got the wrong kind of heat. I’m pretty sure Cena vs. Benoit is next week, but is the title match then, or another time? Helps to detail this stuff, guys.

L8.

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