The Happy-Go-Sucky Wrestling Report: 07.29.09

So I’m feeling better, not that you even knew that I’m sick. But the influx of adrenaline and perhaps the drugs I’ve been taken have made me quite hyper. Thus, I’m thinking faster than I’m typing, so be on alert!

In fact, I have so much energy, I’m ready to go now! Forget this intro! Let’s rassle! Cue Banner!

News: Chris Masters returned to Raw Monday Night.

Happy: I had high hopes for Chris Masters when he first debuted with the WWE a few years back. That of course, until he got busted using ‘roids and his figure started shrinking almost at an alarming rate.

Regardless, he is back with the WWE and has a job. Although that might be just what he is. A job. At least it’s work right?

I do have high hopes that the WWE will bring back the Masterlock Challenge, which was actually fairly interesting to see most of the time. Chris Masters was a good, technical wrestler which the WWE lacks right now as it prepares to go into an all submission pay-per-view in the coming months. I’m hoping that it’s at that point that Chris Masters can really be involved in a GOOD program and pick up where he left off before his last suspension.

Go Sucky: Wait hold up. THAT was Chris Masters? I thought Chris Masters was this guy!

All joking and steroid comment asides, Chris Masters just looked awful last night. On top of all that, they didn’t even let him work the mic. Barely any commentary about his absence. What an awful way to bring back a guy. It just seemed…uncomfortable.

I mean, 3 years ago, this guy was being hailed as a future world champion. He was involved in a main event feud with John Cena that saw him enter the Elimination Chamber at one point. The WWE had a chance to really make an unexpected impact last night with his return. And albeit he cost MVP his chance at the WWE title, it just looked sloppy.

On top of that, does anyone really want to see a Chris Masters vs. MVP feud? Because you know this will continue. And it won’t ever end up on pay-per-view, which is bad for guys like myself who are pulling for the WWE to push MVP to stardom. MVP being in a long program with Chris Masters will pretty much kill any kind of moment he has. Look what happened when Masters feuded with Carlito. I don’t think Carlito has ever been happy since his match with Masters at Backlash 2006.

Sadly for Chris, I can see his career going by the wayside. His role will likely mirror that of guys like Goldust or Val Venis. Making the occasional jobbing appearance on TV and at live events. If the WWE doesn’t get him on the mic and using that Masterlock Challenge again soon, then it will happen sooner rather than later.

News: DX vs. Legacy is being rumored as a match at Summerslam.

Happy: So much for all those One Night Only’s huh? I think the last time there was a DX returns for One Night Only ordeal, we witnessed this great segment.

Anyway, I think we all knew this was coming and this time, it’s not really so bad. Mainly because it’s been so long since we saw Shawn Michaels. Rumors have been flying around for the last few weeks that HBK would return at Summerslam, and now with Triple H wanting his revenge against Legacy, he’s going to need a partner. So it all fits and makes sense.

I have to wonder though. Will there be some kind of swerve or deception with Triple H and Shawn Michaels, such as an HBK heel turn? Or will this be the night where Dibiase finally turns on Rhodes and Orton? It just feels like something along those lines needs to happen in order to keep this feud from becoming cheesy and reeking of 2007.

Go Sucky: Sadly, chances are, it will be cheesy and reek of 2007. I don’t feel like the WWE or Dibiase is ready for any kind of face turn just yet and doing it after losing to DX would not be the catapult he needs in order to reach the stage they want to put him on. And the fans are going to need something to cheer about and be entertained with on a Summerslam card that is starting to shape up and look mediocre at best with its main event of Orton vs. Cena Part 875.

I don’t think Michaels could be a heel either. I personally would love to see him be a heel like he was during his feud with Hogan at Summerslam a few years back. Some of his heel segments from that are ranked among some of the best heat seeking moments in wrestling history! I’d love to see Shawn go on a long, carefully orchestrated heel run and give Orton a chance to become relevant again. I think it would be fun, powerful, and a decent draw. But I just don’t see it happening. And that makes me a.…

News: Jeff Hardy won the World Heavyweight Title at Night of Champions and has told the WWE he will work through Summerslam.

Happy: I’m pretty sure this shocked a lot of us, since many of us, myself included, full expected this to be Jeff Hardy’s last match before taking his hiatus or whatever it is he’s planning on doing by not signing a new contract.

Let’s face it. The WWE needs Jeff Hardy and having put him through the main event these last few months, they really really needed him to stick around through Summerslam and continue his program with C.M. Punk.

Now many people think that this is the end of Punk’s heel turn, when in fact, I feel it’s only the beginning. The WWE, now having put the title on Hardy, has to find a way to get that belt off of him and write Hardy out of the WWE. Punk can be the guy who just goes apeshit on Hardy at Summerslam and cause an “injury that has caused Jeff Hardy to leave the WWE”. Snapping like that and putting the WWE’s biggest kid draw will truly earn him heeldom on his way to a feud with John Morrison down the road.

Go Sucky: Why would the WWE put a title on a guy that they know is only going to be around for a few weeks? Talk about predictable outcomes!

The whole handshake after the match between Hardy and Punk really makes me wonder if the WWE is once again finished with Punk and are sending him back to the midcard like they did last summer and are ready to try and use Hardy’s upcoming departure to give a rub to some other young up and comer.

If that happens, I feel the WWE will be missing a big opportunity to create one of the biggest heels its seen in a long time. I can only hope that the handshake can be played off as some kind of “earn your trust then stab you in the back” sort of deal for Punk. At this point, this is the only way they are going to be able to make sense out of the last couple of months. So here’s hoping they don’t drop the ball…again.

News: The WWE has been getting plenty of publicity for Shaq’s role on Raw this week.

Happy: I have to say, I really enjoyed Shaq on Raw. He was fun and entertaining and a big presence for the show. In fact, I’ll go as far as saying that whenever Shaq retires, a role in the WWE may be a good idea! The fans seemed to enjoy it and Shaq seemed to enjoy himself too. By far, the best celebrity host by a long shot.
And of course, the WWE has been getting tons of publicity from all the sporting sites and magazines. First thing when I got up on Tuesday morning, I saw Shaq on Sportcenter. And the guys had nothing but good things to say about his appearance! Vince and his boys were brilliant in getting Shaq onto the show and getting the publicity that they got, right before the start of the football season.

By the way, his segment with Chris Jericho will likely rank among one of the most memorable opening segments for me as a wrestling and basketball fan. Just hearing Jericho take a shot at him with the Kobe joke made me laugh so hard, I don’t know what happened for the 2 or 3 minutes after that. Just a well played segment by both men that I couldn’t get enough of.

Go Sucky: I had only hoped that Shaq was going to be more involved in the main event between JeriShow and Cryme Tyme. In fact, I thought the whole time that the WWE was going to let Shaq make the 3 count and award the titles to Cryme Tyme in order to make even bigger headlines on ESPN. That would have been huge.

Sadly, the end of that match totally stunk and it was like Shaq never ever needed to be an enforcer. What was the point of those giant stripes if they were never going to give him a chance to use them? That was my only disappointment for the whole night. That could have been a big pop and a big highlight on Sportscenter for the WWE and Cryme Tyme for that matter.

Rapid Fire!

News: The UK Sun is saying the October 5th issue of Playboy will feature TNA Knockout Traci Brooks.

I don’t think I need to say anything here. Do you?

News: Hulk Hogan and Linda Hogan have finalized their divorce.

So what’s next for the Hulkster?

*Sigh* I miss Billy Mays.

News: Maryse may need surgery to repair a kneecap she dislocated last winter and could be out for awhile.

If this causes another Diva Search, I will riot!

News: Raw scored a 4.0 rating.

Seth Green + ZZ Top

Wrestlers Tweet The Darnest Things!

JeremyBorash I’d like to date a woman that gets Botox. That way I will not have to deal with seeing the disappointment on her face over time. (Best…idea…ever.)

Tara (Victoria) I know it’s crazy, but I love getting my teeth cleaned. If you guys have a design idea for my mouthguard. Please let me know. (If it has anything to do with “Milkshake” I’m going to be pissed. Don’t put me through that again!)

The Miz @IAmJericho do u want some candlelight with that romantic kiss with shaq, christina. (If the WWE used Twitter as a way of getting people over, I’d say Miz would be a future Hall of Famer.)

Maria I am half Greek/half hillbilly. (*Sigh* If only she were my sister…)

Marye i broke one of my new nail last night in my match thats terrible have no words (She might have to have surgery on her knee cap and she’s worried about her nail? Psh. Women.)

Samoa Joe Watching a PBS special on Hugo Chavez, He needs a reality show alongside Flavor Flav. (Can we put the clock around his neck too?)

Bobby Lashley I’m at medevil times sitting in Ireland! Go Fit Finlay! Miss you bro! (Ireland? No Bobby Lashley is totally not standing out at all right now.)

Hurricane Helms And @KatzMoney snores louder than I can scream! It sounded like Godzilla getting raped! (Sorry, I’ll comment here once I catch my breath from laughing.)

Another From Jeremy Borash Dippin’ Dots- 30 years now and you r still runnin around claiming to be the ice cream of the future. I’m an optimist too but that’s bullshit.

I think that last one might have made more sense than just about anything I’ve ever heard. I’m totally going on a Dippin’ Dots strike for the next 30 seconds.

OK I’m finally starting to crash! Time to go. I could totally write a whole column just based on wrestlers tweets!

Until next week my friends, may your lives be Happy…or Go Sucky!