Double M’s WWE SmackDown Recap – 07.15.04

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Hey there and welcome back. Glad you could join in for the “transition” recap between Yayo’s official Report and Eric S’s Short Form. It’s a dirty job, but I guess someone has to do it.

It’s really been a slow week with not a lot happening, really. Biggest thing that’s gone on was seeing my Dad, which was covered in Monday’s Music Column on 411. Speaking of which, the bits on Dave Mustaine, Elvis and The Ramones met with some interesting reaction – but I’ll get to all that in a few days. For now, we have a Rasslin’ show to cover…

(That intro couldn’t have been any more boring if it were blank, I know. But I told you it’s been a slow week, folks…not a lot to work with here…)

Mail Call

Our sole mail piece this week comes from Mark Satrang, who backs up (and adds to) Scott Rutherford’s mail from last week:

Like your new format for the SmackDown recap…yada, yada, yada. What I want to touch on is the letter from Scott Rutherford in the recap. I totally agree with what he says. The character is fine enough and it works for Bradshaw, but my point and I think of a lot others point is, that he just plain didn’t deserve the belt and the main event push he received. I would’ve bought the Title win a lot more, say in September, after he had spent the spring and summer being built up. I could see a relatively easy win over someone like Kidman at Judgment Day, then move on to RVD at Great American Bash and the big win over Undertaker at SummerSlam and finally challenging for the belt at Unforgiven in September. Think about it, no other primarily tag wrestler went from his full time tagging to main event in under a month. Look at Bret and Shawn going from tag to mid-card to I-C Title to finally World Title. Edge & Christian and Matt & Jeff are/were all on the same path as Bret and Shawn. Even in WCW Booker and Scott Steiner went from the Tag Title to the TV and US belts up to finally the World. Its natural progression, gives time for fans to buy the character, get used to them as a single. That framework just didn’t happen with JBL and that’s why people, like me, are disgruntled. Yet I continue to watch SmackDown! because I love wrestling and can always find something on the show to entertain me and Velocity is my favorite WWE show right now. I think its a net fad, something cool to do, to ditch SD and then bitch about it, even though you didn’t actually watch it to see how bad it really was.

Yeah…

Appreciate that someone can still look past all the crap to enjoy the show. And, once again, I have no counter for the “Bradhsaw got the title too soon” argument; that’s the only point I really can’t counter. I would have liked to have seen the scenario above come to fruition to build it up some, but I WILL say that the same argument can be made for Kidman & London winning the tag titles last week. It works both ways, folks.

Okay, This Is Boring – What Else Is There To Read?

First, off, they might win the World Tag Team Titles – and we won’t believe it if they do – it’s the Rhyno to my Tajiri, Stephen Randle and the News Experience.

Larry Csonka brings the always-excellent TNA PPV report – and the return of the ZONKA-STRATOR!

Eric S was unable to bring the Raw Short Form (which I hope we’ll see it back-to-back with its SmackDown counterpart), but does bring the justified Junta bashing. And out of curiosity, Eric…which “one out of two”?

Last week I’d referred to Eric as “The true workhorse of 411”, but I see that I may stand corrected. On top of reviewing The Honda Civic Tour, The Rolling Rock Town Fair AND Atreyu’s new album in Music, Aaron Conley also handles the regular TNA Xplosion Recap and even found time to step in for PK AND Gagnon to handle the 411 Raw Report. And this is all in the span of 9 days! Very impressive output, sir – my hat’s of to you.

Relax, Nute’s not going anywhere…except to moonlight on The Wrestling Blog for “Raw In 60 Seconds”. Great stuff, that – as well as his missive on Ric Flair in the same place.

Iain Burnside gives his list of top 10 Spider Man stories (which I suspect is tainted by his recent viewing of Spider Man 2, since Fearful Symmetry: Kraven’s Last Hunt didn’t make the list).

Harvard Bill is doing a fine job in Haley’s stead with “The Little Things”, but allow me to point out one that falls somewhat under my jurisdiction…

During the Jericho/Kane match, I thought Jericho going for the Walls was a bad idea since A) Kane could easily power out (and did), and B) Kane rarely taps out to anything (HOW long did it take Benoit to get him to do it?). But the setup to the move was awesome, as Kane runs at Jericho in the corner with a big boot but misses, wrenching his knee on the top rope. Kane falls, further tearing his knee, and Jericho seizes the opportunity to dropkick the other leg, thereby damaging BOTH knees en route to the Walls. Nice work, Chris.

James Chick reviews an angle I remember fondly…

…and Jon David draws some nice comparisons with two Heat regulars and the New Age Outlaws. I also hope the Ric Flair/Hurricane interaction leads to something more for Mr. Helms.

Reading Huckaby’s stories of embarrassment, I feel for the man. I really do.

Christopher Carlyle confirms what I’d already suspected about the new Cure album (haven’t been able to use THAT line in a while)….

…and Tom D’Errico made it to the opening day of the OzzFest tour. More about that to come on Monday.

Honestly Manes, this is just getting pathetic. I can tell you’re headed for the loony bin because now you’ve gone after not only Cameron for actually doing news (which is hilariously sad since I seem to be the focus of all of your columns anymore), but also Yayo simply because you’re an unbelievable asshole. I’ll take back everything I said to Yayo about standing down – now he has a reason to verbally humiliate you just like I did simply because you just don’t know when to shut the fuck up.

Since I’m already well over this whole thing – and the dumb bastard perpetrating most of it – I’ll handle the two claims made by His Skinny Stupid Drunken Fucking Blowhardedness, easily refute them since they’re the stuff of a mind gone to total shit, and then go about my business…

· First, I didn’t say that you were leaving at all. In fact, since you’re so fond of quoting yourself to make your point, allow me to do the same:

Faced with fact, he has decided to possibly “pursue other ventures” and accept the fact that his ego overrode his ass. Hence, he may be leaving us for browner pastures.
– ME, in last week’s Double M’s WWE SmackDown Recap

At no point did I state that it was certainty – just that it looked like you were leaving yourself a convenient out rather than continue to look like a fucking retard that even Eugene could whoop blindfolded in a game of chess. If you’re staying, then so be it. You’ve ducked the XM challenge like an absolute bitch (which I guess was the entire point behind stating that you might leave) apparently to give yourself some breathing room and continue spouting your bullshit. That being the case, I’m forced to continue being the voice of reason to an egotistical imbecile – which just pleases me to no fucking end, since I’d rather put this horseshit – and the horse’s ass it comes from – behind me. This delusion that you’ve “owned” anyone or anything in your life (much less ME) is laughable at best and pitiful at worst.

· Speaking of “delusional”, let’s get to the remarks I made about Manes’s “bride-to-be”…

Would it help you any to know that the woman he’s talking about is Ashley Olsen?? And yes, I played along with the mental disorder because I didn’t have the heart to tell him that neither of the Olsen twins would be bothered with his psychotic ass. However, I made the mistake of jokingly telling him to be careful that her hip bones don’t slash him to ribbons when he’s banging her from behind on their honeymoon. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why he’s so upset at me that he’s badgered me with a steady stream of hot air and outright ludicrousness for all these weeks.

Seriously…Ashley Olsen??

The defense rests, your honor.

Finally, since I’m nothing if not a self-promotional whore, let’s get to TWO other pieces I have available, shall we? First, if you like the Double M SmackDown Recaps, be sure to see the Raw Recap over on The Wrestling Fan. And over at Maximum Metal, there’s a solo review of the new Ministry album available for your perusal – one that I don’t have to share with a brainless fuckwit.

SmackDown – 07.15.04

Show opens with video of last week’s stripping of the US Title off of Cena by Angle after Cena accidentally nailed him. PLEASE tell me we get to find out how the championship will be decided tonight…

Credits and pyro from Providence, RI where TONIGHT: Bradshaw defends the WWE Title against Eddie Gurrero inside a steel cage…and the IWC prays harder than they ever have before.

Booker T is out to stake his claim to the US Title, based on the fact that he didn’t lose to Cena last week (although technically Booker DID lose by disqualification). Rene Dupree is out to stake his claim to the US Title, based on the fact that no American has enough class and culture to be US Champion (although that statement makes almost no sense whatsoever – this is the US Title we’re talking about). Kenzo Suzuki is out (with Hiroko) to stake HIS claim to the US Title, based on the fact that (translated by Hiroko) he loves the United States of America (although his reasoning is very simplistic). Booker asks Kenzo to say something, and Suzuki asks Booker if he can dig it, SUCCKKAAAA! Booker retorts with another catchphrase and the 3 get to arguing when Cena makes his appearance to denigrate all of them. Cena compares the foursome to The Wizard Of Oz with Hiroko as Dorothy (the token female), Booker as Scarecrow (who has no brains), Kenzo as the Tin Man (because he has no heart balls), Michael Cole as one of the Lollipop Kids (Hah!) and Dupree as The Cowardly Frenchman. Cena is there to see the wonderful wizard of SmackDown – Kurt Angle – and get his title back. Since Angle didn’t show himself, Cena promises to walk his a[censored]s down the yellow brick road to Angle’s office and demand his belt back. In The Ring, the others argue. In The Back, Cena barges into Angle’s office and demands his belt. Angle says he brought it on himself, cueing Luther to attack and get thrown through the wall (!). Angle has security eject Cena, calls for Luther (who’s out cold), and sends us to:

Commercial.

Back to Replay of Moments Ago: Cena destroys Angle’s office with Luther Reigns’s carcass.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio & Spike Dudley vs. Chavo Gurrero & Jamie Noble

Side note: Noble’s “Dukes Of Hazard” tights are just awesome.

Spike is driven to avenge his loss last week by using his superior speed and ability to outwrestle both heels (especially Jamie Noble). Once Rey joins in, he adopts the same strategy, utilizing his deadly aerial attack as a compliment to Spike’s mat work. Chavito and Noble, meanwhile, use illegal means (they are the heels, after all) to gain the advantage and isolate either man (preferably Spike, the smallest in the match) and wear down the back to prevent movement. Rey and Spike are quicker, however, and keep control of most of the match. It doesn’t hurt that they have unexpected help…

Finish comes when Noble lands the Tiger Driver and “Outside Interference Night” officially begins as D-Von appears to distract the referee and Buh Buh Ray lands a low blow on Noble. Unaware of his brothers’ help, Spike pins Noble for the victory. Excellent TV match, but…again… the whole situation with The Dudleys and Spike…haven’t we seen this before? And shouldn’t Buh Buh Ray D-Von be more concerned with Paul Heyman, who sold them down the river last week to The Undertaker?

Raw Rebound airs, taking us to:

Commercial.

Back to video recap of Bradshaw’s title win at the Great American Bash and the REVENGE of El Gran Luchadore to hype up tonight’s main event.

In The Back, Angle makes sure that Luther is okay and makes Cena pay for what happened, booking Cena in a 3-on-1 match against Booker, Dupree, AND Suzuki in an elimination rules handicap match NEXT as we head to:

Commercial.

Back to

Booker T, Rene Dupree, and Kenzo Suzuki (with Hiroko) vs. John Cena

With elimination rules, the strategies on both sides becomes very simple. For the advantaged team, the goal is to beat down Cena – Booker with the torso attack, Dupree with the finesse, and Suzuki with the powerful martial arts – and gain the victory. For Cena, his goal is simply to survive the onslaught of all 3 men. Once we return from

Commercial,

we see that Cena relies on his toughness and roughneck ability to confound Dupree (pinning him after sending the Frenchman head-first to the steel ringpost) and outwrestle Suzuki (causing him to lose his temper and get disqualified), but remember – it’s “Outside Interference Night”!

Finish comes when Booker T sends Cena outside and Luther Reigns is out to send Cena into the ringpost. In the ring, Booker takes advantage and hits the Scissor Kick for the pin. Decent match, but I’d REALLY like to know what they plan on doing with the US Title. I understand that the story between Angle and Cena is at the forefront, but must you neglect a major championship to spotlight that? If you couldn’t tell, ignoring a title for the sake of an angle always bugs me. I didn’t like it when it happened with Austin and McMahon, and I don’t like it now.

Commercial.

Back to video hyping the return of John Heidenreich (sp?), who says that no one wanted to give him a chance – until he met Paul Heyman, who’s bringing him to SmackDown. If Heyman thinks HE’S gonna stop The Undertaker, he’s lost his mind worse than Manes has.

In The Back, Eddie Gurrero praises El Gran Luchadore and says that he patterned his style after El Gran (HA!), then says that Bradshaw will have nowhere to run tonight when Eddie comes off the top with the massive Frog Splash from the top of the cage. I’m really looking forward to this match – for a couple reasons, really. The outcome should let us know how serious WWE is about having Bradshaw as WWE Champion, and the match itself should be great despite the IWC consensus that Eddie will have to “carry” Bradshaw.

Commercial, including one for Van Halen’s Best Of Both Worlds greatest-hits collection, which claims to be the only one that covers Van Halen’s entire career. Right – like The Best Of Van Halen, Vol. 1 didn’t do that already. Sorry, but I’m not buying a cheap excuse to welcome the return of the far-inferior Van Hagar – especially since “Me Wise Magic” kicked 8 shades of ass. And THAT has been YOUR Musical Interlude (and moment of excessive self-promotional whoring) of the week.

Back to video of Kidman & London defeating The Dudley Boyz last week for the WWE Tag Team Championships, leading straight to:

D-Von Dudley (with Buh Buh Ray Dudley) vs. Paul London (with Billy Kidman)

Holy shit – a Paul London singles match on SmackDown!

D-Von, still angered by last week’s loss, wants to beat London senseless with the trademark Dudley brawling style and surprising speed. London, meanwhile, looks to defeat D-Von with his aerial style and superior agility. And don’t forget that we have both partners outside the ring…

Finish comes when Buh Buh drills London on the outside, then sends him back in, staying on the apron. London runs D-Von into Buh Buh on a rollup attempt, then Kidman dispatches of Buh Buh as London roll sup D-Von for the pin. Short and sweet, as we have a cage match to get to…

In The Back, Angle promises payback for Luther by booking Reigns vs. John Cena next week and promises that tonight will be a night that no one will forget (uh oh)…

Introductions are made for the steel cage match and the ring announcer states that the ways to win are to pin your opponent, make him submit, or climb up and over the cage to escape (as the door will be locked). Between Angle’s promises and the fact that it’s “Outside Interference Night”, I smell a screwjob waiting to happen here as we head to:

Commercial.

Back to

John Bradshaw Layfield © vs. Eddie Gurrero – WWE Championship Steel Cage Match

Where are “Tazz’s Keys To Victory” when you need them? Obviously, the objective of a cage match is to disable your opponent bad enough to be able to escape without being impeded (with this set of rules, anyway). And since Tazz won’t discuss the obvious, I guess I’ll have to…

Why did Eddie choose a steel cage match? It may seem to put him at a disadvantage, but consider all of these factors:

· Eddie has Bradshaw trapped with nowhere to go and uses his speed and superior wrestling ability to utilize the confined space to its best effect (such as smartly trying to take out the hamstring of Bradshaw) and diffuse Bradshaw’s power advantage (with a brilliant counter to the Last Call with a tornado DDT).

· Gurrero also has a point in his favor in that he can cheat with the best of them, and there are NO RULES inside the cage.

· In addition to all of this (as Eddie himself has alluded to), Gurrero also has a much higher perch to launch his aerial attacks from.

Bradshaw, being the bigger and stronger of the two, uses the unforgiving cage – as well as his power – to put more force behind his brawling tactics and leverage moves (such as a well-timed superplex from the top rope) in an attempt to destroy Eddie. Bradshaw employs those tactics in small doses as he’s more concerned with keeping his title with all the cowardice he can muster.

Side note one: The commercials should have all been during the earlier portions of the show, as three of them during a match of this magnitude is just plain inexcusable.

Side note two: In traditional WWE fashion, both men pass up great opportunities to escape the cage and win the match in favor of dishing out more punishment – particularly Gurrero with his vow to hit the Frog Splash off the top of the cage (when climbing over after beating Bradshaw down that badly would be a much smarter move).

Finish comes when Gurrero lives up to his word and hits the Frog Splash from the top of the cage – but is too weak to make the cover (see what I mean?). Eddie finally covers, but Bradshaw kicks out at 2 after a long delay. Bradshaw scores a DDT and climbs the cage, and Eddie climbs up to meet him. El Gran Luchadore (?!) is out to climb the cage to the inside of the ring in record time and hold Eddie’s leg, allowing Bradshaw to reach the floor and retain the WWE Championship. An excellent match out of BOTH men, right up until the ending. I’d rather have seen a clean victory out of either one, but can I smell a screwjob a mile away or what?

Post-match, El Gran Luchadore climbs out (MUCH slower than he came in) and gets caught by Eddie Gurrero. Eddie yanks of the mask as El Gran escapes, revealing that it was Kurt Angle (?!!?) who screwed Eddie out of the WWE Title as the show ends.

…I don’t get it. Just when I get on a good roll in SmackDown’s defense, they book a MAJOR show that makes absolutely no sense whatsofuckingever.

Why are the Dudleys more concerned with their little brother Spike than with a man who sold them down the river (Paul Heyman) and a seemingly indestructible member of the roster (The Undertaker) out for revenge? What the hell is being done about the US Title? And, most perplexing of all, why build up a month or 2 of Angle hassling Cena, THEN suddenly switch his focus to Eddie Gurrero? I know the 2 have a prior history, but wouldn’t Angle helping put over a less-established star that he’s been harassing for so long – and enough that it almost became the focal point of the show – make just a little more sense?

There had better be some good answers next week. Otherwise, SmackDown has given its detractors plenty of ammunition to use in the debate that it’s considered a far inferior brand to Raw. And the howls will probably get that much louder now that Bradshaw has become more than just a “transitional champion”, but the show’s problem isn’t the man holding the belt. Rather, SmackDown’s biggest shortcoming is what Creative is doing to the rest of the roster.

L8. Thanks again for reading.

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